Giving a Cat a bath or - Democratic Underground

moof

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Wed Oct-15-03 02:35 AM
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Giving a Cat a bath or

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They
say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved
Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to
discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage
and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the
face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a
port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might
consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for
human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by
selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you
to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body.
Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of
steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a
cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty
shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if
you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to
his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no
interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid
motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut,
dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has
soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is --
for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the
most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting
really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If
this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to
just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have
nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply
plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide
to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.