Childhood trauma that's funny now

[Skip Intro]

That wild animal thread brought this to mind.

As a child, I had to walk near this pond on the way to/from school. On the way home one day, my sis and I took the long way, by the pond, and spied a few turkeys there. We were kids, and I'd never hurt another living thing now, but for some reason we started throwing rocks at these turkeys. They got very upset, and came after us. My sis ran in one direction and they all came after me. I threw my bookbag at them and ran, screaming at the top of my lungs. I turned back and one was on the ground, keeping right up with me, and another was in the air just behind me, claws stretched toward me, as I remember. I was a fat kid in a Catholic school uniform running for my life. A really emabarrasing picture and you can thank miller lite for my sharing this.

I finally reached an apartment building where I managed to put a tree between myself and these crazed birds, screaming bloody murder the whole time. Somebody came out from one of the apartments to my rescue and the birds left. Oh thank GOD! I was shaken to say the least.

Man, that was so many years ago, but I can still sense the terror even now as I tell that story. Brrrr. Supercedes all the doctors office visits and vaccinations and the nuns' authoritarian ways, well, the nuns are a close second.

Cracks me up now, tho.

Anybody else have childhood traumas they can now laugh at?

[toddzilla]

1. LOL

that's a friggin hilarious story!!

[newyawker99]

7. Congrats toddzilla!! 300 posts

:toast:

[BlueJazz]

2. Maybe they were the same turkeys......

....that got thrown out of the helicopter on WKRP and
They just said to themselves "Damn-it!, We're not gonna take it any more" !

[Oilwellian]

3. I have one

In first grade, I was in a Catholic school that sat in the middle of a small town in Texas. Sister Mary Colette was the sweetest nun anyone could want in first grade but her assistant, Miss Hartman, was downright scary. I won't go into how she appeared to a teeny tiny first grader, but I will say she had a very dominating, aggressive personality and had no tolerance for children.

Anyway, the school allowed the students to walk across the street for lunch and buy sandwiches or chili to take back to the classroom. (that's where we ate lunch) Miss Hartman escorted us across the street one day and I decided to try the chili. I brought it back to the classroom and sat down to eat it, only to realize it was hot! Chili pepper red hot! Now remember, the Catholic faith is very strict about eating everything on your plate, and according to them, you go to at least purgatory if you waste food.

Well there I was, with a container of chili I couldn't possibly eat and was absolutely petrified of going to hell if I threw it away. I also instinctively knew Miss Hartman would pack my bags for me on my way to hell if I even THOUGHT of throwing the chili away. Well, there was just no eating it. So I put the cover back on the chili container, crumpled a piece of paper around it, and proceeded towards the trash can to be rid of it once and for all. Unfortunately, when I placed it in the can, the top came off and chili splattered all over the place. I was sooooo busted.

When Miss Hartman saw it, something within her snapped. I believe all of her pent up frustrations in life were suddenly unleashed on lil ole me. I was so totally traumatized by her, I think I blocked out the majority of events that followed, as a means of self protection. I do remember going home sobbing after the entire episode and to this day, I've never had a normal relationship with chili like most people do.

The End. :D

[Skittles]

4. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH DU_ER

I had a terrible, TERRIBLE stessful day - your story made me laugh out loud. Thank you so much! :7

[lpbk2713]

5. Reminds me of my childhood.

A neighbor had geese that roamed free in their back yard. They always seemed to be in "attack" mode whenever I went over there.

[Pithlet]

6. Llama trauma

I was six years old at the time. I was at a petting zoo, and was eating a cookie. A llama was following me around diligently trying to get my cookie. I wouldn't let him have it, so he spit on my face. It was gloppy and full of grass, and it stung when it hit my face. I dropped the cookie and ran, blinded by llama spit, screaming my head off. I couldn't find my parents anywhere. I don't know if I can laugh about it now, but I'll definitely never forget it.

[GOPisEvil]

15. More llama trauma

I was at a petting zoo in Germany, and a llama bit me - hard - on the arm. That still brings a giggle to my parents 30+ years later. :D

Oh, then there was the time my dad was holding my hand while I was walking. Apparently, I wasn't too good at walking , and I lost my balance and started falling. My dad yanked me up by my arm, pulling the elbow slightly out of socket. I wore a sling and told everyone that my dad broke my arm. He might have been arrested in this day and age. :D

[Pithlet]

21. More evidence that llamas are pure evil

Although now I think they're kind of cute. I still probably wouldn't go near one, though. :)

[MissMillie]

8. My brother "coming out"

I was very young and had led a very sheltered life in a very small town. I just didn't "get it".

Silly, eh?

[corarose]

9. When my Uncle took my baby bottle away from me

I think that I was around 3 years old and I use to carry my baby bottle (baba) in my mouth by the nipple. One day my Uncle grabbed it out of my mouth when my mother wasn't around and he threw it in the Chicago river.
It scared my ass for life but now it is funny.

[trof]

12. similar story

The Blanket-Snatcher

My 8 year old nephew was still dragging his worn out, threadbare blankey around everywhere. His mom had tried to wean him several times, but he raised so much hell she gave up. She figured he'd dump it by the senior prom anyway. ;-)

They were in the supermarket one day. Andy was riding in the grocery basket and had a firm grip on his blankey. A total stranger walked up, grabbed the blanket away and said "Where did you get my little doggie's blanket. He's been SO cold without it. I have to take it to him right now." She disappeared around the corner of the aisle. Andy was dumbfounded (so was his mom). Just sat there with his eyes wide open. Didn't even whimper.

A few minutes later, the woman caught my sister-in-law's eye and beckoned her around the corner where Andy couldn't see them. She apologized and said she hoped she hadn't scared them. A stranger had done the same thing recently for her and her little girl. It had worked, so she thought she'd return the favor when she saw an opportunity.

My s-i-l thanked her. Andy never mentioned his blankey again.

[bleedingheart]

17. Where can I find that woman...I am trying to wean my daughter

off of her blankey!

That was a pretty funny story..

[scarlet_owl]

10. My parents were evil.

They would get me and my sister into the car when we were young and tell us that we were going to the orphanage. They would tell us that it is just not working out. My sister and I would be crying in the backseat until we found out where we were going. They took us for ice cream instead. After that, my sister and I would ask to go to the "orphanage" when we wanted to get ice cream. No wonder I have lots of therapy bills.

[bleedingheart]

18. my dad used to threaten us with the home for delinquents...

[trof]

11. Broken milk bottle

And yes, I'm old enough to remember when the milkman brought milk to your doorstep in thick glass bottles.

We lived in an apartment and some thoughtless jerk had broken a milk bottle on the front walk and left the pieces there. I was around 4 or 5 and it was summer so (naturally) I was barefoot. Like a kid, I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going and I stepped on a huge chunk of jagged glass. There wasn't a sharp pain at first. It felt more like I'd just stepped on a rock. When the pain didn't go away after a minute I looked back to see what I had stepped on. Here's what's funny to me now.

I was mesmerized to see one set of perfect bright red footprints (right only) following me up the walk. It took several beats for me to connect the footprints to what had just happened.

Then I sat down and squalled until someone (mom?) came and got me. It was my first trip to the ER and my first stitches. Still have the scar over 50 years later.

[VOX]

13. Bat "attack"

I was in a barn hayloft and somehow stirred up a bunch of sleeping bats. As a kid, I associated bats with Dracula, vampires, etc., so I was in mortal terror. I ran around in circles waving my arms above my head, screaming my lungs out. I stopped on the ledge of a window (the hay-bale hoist thingy; sorry, I was a city boy), and was seriously ready to jump down to the ground below. My older brother saw me poised there, and screamed for me to stop where I was. I did.

Good thing, or I would be walking around like Tolouse Lautrec today!

[Zero Gravitas]

14. Ripped jeans

I was 10 or 11 and took a short cut that invloved climbing over a barbed wire fence. Well my jeans got caught on one of he barbs and ripped open at the back. That would have been bad enough except that I wasn't wearing underwear, so my arse was literaly hanging out of my trousers. I was so embaressed. I walked the rest of the way home with both hands behind my back trying to hold the tear closed.

[Corgigal]

16. Parents sense of humor

I was around 4 or 5 and my mother told me it was bath time. My dad and mom were both sitting in the kitchen. So I went into the bathroom and when I pulled backed the shower curtain I saw a giant white goose. Damn thing was as big as me. Was hissing and making all these evil noises at me. I went back into the kitchen and tried to explain myself but my dad was telling me to stop telling stories and go take a bath. They did that to me once more after that.

Probaby were pissing in their pants.


However I have passed on this "trait" to my kiddies. We had a goldfish that died in the tank and when it was lunch time I asked them if they wanted a fish sandwich. Gave my youngest son the fish sandwiched and we still laugh over that. So we have a twisted little family.

[MUAD_DIB]

19. Dachshund attack age 5.

Those little bastards can really be mean when they want to.

Funny thing: it was the dog catchers dog that did it to me. It had been abused by kids as a pup and had been rescued by the dog catcher.

As I see it now it was getting even on them through me.

I am over it, but to this day I hate little dogs: especially Dachshunds.

[Blue-Jay]

20. My brother scared me so bad, I crapped my pants.

To be fair, I was only five years old at the time. He hid in my closet one night and jumped out wearing a scary mask. I was on my way to the john anyway.

To get even, I dropped a dead fish in the heating vent that was in his room. Mom wasn't pleased about that one, oh no.

[geniph]

22. When I was in about second grade,

I was up in the "big girls" bathroom in the other half of the school (they had the K-3 kids and the grade 4-6 kids in separate parts of the building, but I was up in the big kids' half for some reason), I came out of the toilet with my skirt tucked into the top of my tights and my little butt hanging out. All the "big kids" laughed at me. I was humiliated and crushed. They made fun of me for days.

In 3rd grade, I was passing love notes more or less constantly to a little boy that I had a blazing crush on. The teacher was out, and the monitor, a "big kid" (6th grader) named Theresa who was REALLY MEAN intercepted one of the notes and read it aloud to the entire class. I was mortified. The boy was too. He and some of his friends attacked me at recess. In order to protect my reputation, I had to beat the living shit out of them (I was the youngest of 13, and could whip kids my own age, no problem - I was used to fighting much bigger, older kids). I got sent to the vice principal for fighting, and had to fast-talk my way out of a spanking (they used to spank you for hitting other kids, go figure).

One time when I was probably about six or seven, we were at a picnic for my mom's work. It was a hot day, and it was at a lake. I really wanted to go swimming, but didn't have a swimsuit. My mom simply stripped me down to panties and told me to go swim. I refused to go where anyone could see me in my underpants. Mom spanked me and made me go swim anyway. I guess I didn't want anyone seeing my flat little-girl chest.

When I was about five or so, I was playing on the grass at my dad's house, and their old funky dog came over and started pestering me. I had no idea what the dog was doing, but my f***ing brothers and stepbrothers and their friends all fell over laughing their asses off at me. The dog was trying to hump me, and he was bigger than I was, so I couldn't get him off me. I didn't understand what he was doing, but I started to get scared, and freaked because they were all laughing so hard and egging the damn dog on. Damn dog stunk, too.

[Cat Atomic]

23. The toilet shot everything out on me inside the bathroom stall

in high school one time. It was DURING class time, and I just ran all the way home with the bathroom pass.

:P

[Papa]

24. I got one too

I was in kindergarten and my brother was in 6th grade. I was in the morning kindergarten class and my older brother would walk me home at lunch hour.

Well, at lunch hour I'm waiting for my brother to get me. I'm standing by the door with my hand on the Fire Alarm. My brother walks up and says, "Hey, get your hand off of that". In the brattiest 6 year old voice I could muster I told him "You're not the boss of me, I can do a n y t h i n g I want" and pulled the fire alarm.

Bang, Instant pandemonium! I had no idea what a fire alarm was, they didn't teach us that in kindergaten then. Kids were running in all different directions with their lunch bags in their hands,lining up out on the playground. I wanted to get out of there right away, but my brother felt we had to find my teacher and tell her what happened. We found her and she was really upset. As we walked home, my brother told me that i was going to have to sit in a corner durning schooltime for the next 7 years as punishment. I was terrified.

Next day at school, we had a lesson on what a fire alarm is and what it does.

[Southpaw Bookworm]

25. Panic attack spurred by fundies

I attended a fundamentalist baptist church growing up, and have a genetic predisposition toward anxiety problems. When I was about 12, I couldn't find my mom or my grandmother one evening, and became convinced that the Rapture had happened and I'd been left behind. After not being able to reach anyone by phone and not seeing any of the neighbors from church, I ran to my grandmother's house, about a mile, sobbing the entire way because I knew I was going to hell. Got to Grammy's and there's stood my mother and grandmother, looking at me as if I'd grown a third head. Even then, I was too embarrassed to tell them why I had been so upset and so happy to see them.

[arwalden]

26. At Church And Hearing The Preacher Tell Us We Were Going To HELL Unless...

... unless we were SAVED and BORN AGAIN. "This may be your last train to heaven. Tonight if you die in your sleep you'll wake up in the FLAMES OF HELL. The devil will wake you up and you'll burn in pain forever. Your skin will burn off your bones and you'll scream in agony for eternity."

I was so afraid I started crying.

But what's a 6 year old to do?

This is child abuse if you ask me. Psychological cruelty. Mental torture. Evangelical TERRORISM!!!

Yes it is! Don't start with me You-Know-Who.

-- Allen