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What constitutes abuse and violation of boundaries?
For me another person hurting me physically without my consent is a violation of my boundaries..
Lets make it more subtle..How about a hypothetical situation of leering..
For me,when I am walking down the street and minding my own business,to be subjected to overt sexual leering and undressing me with eyes is a violation of my personal boundaries. It offends me because it is disrespectful of me personally and I am not consenting to being objectified and used as a sex toy..It's a violation of my boundaries that leaves no visible evidence like verbal abuse can, So because leering is being forced upon me by rude people without clear self control or respect of me It's wrong because I say it is,first because it's a non consenting invasion of my self sovereignty by objectification..and intentions can be spoken by the body just as clearly as words.Leering can appear as the intention to rape which is a criminal abuse of power.
Leering (for ME) is alot like unwanted sarcasm or verbal humiliation, because it is dehumanizing.It communicates to ME certain hostile intentions. This disrespect of my person hood is implied by leering. And since I am subjected to the intended effects of the leering it is I alone who has the right to say if it is disrespectful To ME or not.And it is I who must enforce my boundary of respect for my person hood's sake.
I know alot of people(leerers mostly) who may disagree out of their self interests and want to make excuses to keep doing it.But their wants do not matter here because these are MY boundaries being crossed,not theirs. So it is for me to enforce my boundaries by letting the offender know their intent is unwanted.. I say this for MY sake. My boundaries are not anyone else's to define,make or maintain. .Likewise for others.I cannot tell another person I punch what force I hit them with hurts them because I am NOT feeling the effects of the punch as the puncher,An abuser cannot decide for the victim what types of abuse can't hurt them..
Other people who are NOT interacting with me who are different than me existing in a common space can only offend me ONLY if I have a confused sense of what my own BOUNDARIES are. Having a bad sense of what ones own boundaries are can make a person desire (sometimes with authoritarian,neurotic intensity) to force or manipulate their own kind of cultural ,aesthetics,own ways,or chosen interpersonal limits they themselves prefer onto others who are not interacting with them,in the vicinity to make them be as the person with confused boundaries wants. With the leering it's different situation than people minding their own business around me.. the leerer was interacting with me communicating a predatory intention. Existing and being different is not communicating a predatory intention to me until a message verbal or non verbal is communicated to me to deliberately exploit or control me or to violate my boundaries.
The other side of the predatory boundary crosser is created when a person with confused boundaries who is conditioned to tolerate others invading others or their own boundaries enforces their lax boundaries on you.(by devaluing,denying or redefining another persons consent for them denying them the self sovereign freedom to choose) and gets offended when someone says NO or YES about what kind of intention,attention,culture or behavior I will tolerate in MY life.
A person has a right to say no and to say yes to most anything that they want to that does not involve a violation of someones consent.. If a person disrespects another's consent,it is up to the person who's boundaries that have been violated to say No or Yes and enforce their own boundaries against the violator and demand acknowledgment of offense.Abuse is invasive to boundaries because it violates consent,and it violates boundaries of self too it is very damaging because it is abuse of power by taking away the power of another..
Violating consent by saying yes or no for another person without their consent negates their freedom of voice thereby taking away their right to decide for themselves if their own boundary has been violated..or not.
Say if I am so insecure as to expect others who are not interacting with me,not paying attention to me or sending me their intentions verbally or non verbally..to automatically conform to what I consider "appropriate" for no other reason than their existing makes me uncomfortable,or it's scary or makes me feel insecure,than I am being a bully to them by expanding my boundaries beyond rational limits and I am violating THEIR boundaries.
I expect my OWN boundaries to be respected by other people I interact with. Mutual respect of boundaries is one way how people build a foundations of trust in relationships. Because I expect others I trust to respect my boundaries after being informed they have just crossed them ,I am being reasonable to them(I would be expected to respect their boundaries in return) While having clear boundaries for myself and respecting myself, at the same time.Mutual respect of peoples boundaries is the essence of an interactive civility and it can be a foundation for conflict resolution.
But... Some people are not happy to permit others who are different to be free to choose different ways to exist around them as they are.They have boundary issues.
People who seek to meddle and want to control other people's choices,lifestyles,limit their freedoms to what THEY think is 'appropriate" cause problems in relationships and society.. People who meddle in the affairs of others for want of control have confused boundaries.Controlling people often fail to acknowledge how invasive they are to others boundaries .Because if they did acknowledge it they would have to admit they are bullying and they know they'd be told to stop it...and their controlling is not legitimate.
A limited minimally diverse world appears 'stable'to some people because they can understand it and feel in control. For the person who confronts a controllers excessive boundaries by simply existing in the same vicinity as they do and sharing the same 'space' with them controlling people are a problem. Some kinds of creative "protean" people by being who they are,by making the choices they make with their own freedom ,the risks they take to explore the world offends insecure rigid authoritarian people with confused boundaries..and the intolerance of ambiguity and diversity makes them attack the things in others they don't understand,that mirror rejected aspects of themselves,or that scare them.Authoritarians and their enablers have big boundary issues.
People who have an unclear understanding of where their own self boundaries begin and end..can create problems in relationships and society ..Likewise people who are confused about where other peoples self sovereign boundaries begin and their own boundaries end..also create problems in relationships and society.
Both confusions types in relation together,in a society creates alto of sick dynamics..Everything from Parents being over control freaks,nanny laws,and bullies being excused ...all sorts of social and interpersonal conflicts,and insanity in society I think at least partially are due to alot of people having confused interpersonal boundaries ,and alot of the stupidity and wonderful discoveries and freedoms in this life arise from the struggle of alot of confused people trying to find their own boundaries,defining their limits for themselves,and deciding what changes to keep from the past and what from society is bullshit,and enforcing their boundaries and violating others boundaries inconsistently. Saddest thing is the varying degrees of violations of personal boundaries that people face as children..That does ALOT to create the confusion about what are self boundaries and how do you enforce them,seen so much in adults now..
Why is live and let live so intolerable for some people?
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