ARGHH! Had to hire an attorney to deal with my son's father and his SO!

[liberalhistorian]

Okay, those of you who read my thread last month on my son's "stepmother" (I put it in quotes because she and my son's father aren't actually married, but they have a three-year-old son, my son's half-brother, and are living together), will know just what I'm talking about. For those who don't, a quick rundown of the soap operish factss:

I'm the single mother of a twelve-year-old boy, his father and I never married. His father threw me out of the house when I was three months pregnant, because he didn't want to deal with it. Paternity was established when Chris, my son, was nearly two years old, and his father changed his tune as far as being a part of his life was concerned. Visitation was fairly regular, although Chris usually didn't spend the night, I would take him down for the afternoon and pick him up several hours later, or we would trade off on the pick up/drop off (he lives an hour away).

This worked for us, although he'd usually leave it up to me to contact him and make the arrangements, so if I didn't, it was often months before I heard from him, then he'd give me the guilt trip over not bringing the kid down to see him when all he had to do was contact me and I would have done so.

Anyway, things were okay even after he attended his 20th high school reunion in 1998 and ended up becoming involved with an old girlfriend who was going through a divorce at the time. They got serious, I was happy for him because I knew that, behind his macho "I like being single and don't need anyone" facade, he was really lonely and she seemed to be good for him. They'd been dating for nearly two years when she got pregnant. This time, he was right there for her, all through the pregnancy and birth, unlike me, who went through both alone. He moved in with her once the baby was born, and they've lived together ever since. They had planned, at one time, to get married, but he decided that he didn't want her to become legally responsible for his debts (can we say child support, boys and girls?) and that it was cheaper for them to live together instead of being married (WTF?)

Well, anyway, whether or not a couple get married is really none of my business, no matter who they are. But I resented him using child support as an excuse not to get married when I've told him five thousand times that, under Ohio law, a spouse CANNOT be held liable, in ANY WAY, for the child support obligations of the other spouse. Only the income and expenses of the parents are considered, NOT the second husbands and wives, even if one is married to a millionaire! And the state CANNOT come after the spouse if his/her husband/wife isn't fulfilling their responsibilities (wage garnishment, etc.) no matter HOW much money he/she makes! I've told him that five thousand times, and I'm a paralegal who knows what I'm talking about! But no, it's my fault that they can't get married, because he has to pay child support to me (a whoppingg $250 a month, what a horrible burden), and I just go out and waste it by partying too much (damn, he knows my secret now)! Never mind that that's not even enough for groceries, and that I can't remember the last time he paid for any clothes, shoes, school and medical needs, etc. He doesn't even carry Chris on his insurance like he's supposed to, I take care of that.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, I noticed things starting to go a little sour as far as his SO was concerned. My mother had never liked her from day one, which should have been my first clue since she's always been a really good judge of character. I had done or said nothing at all that I could think of that would have caused her souring attitude toward me. I've since figured out that it was the fact that he had to pay child support that she didn't like, she wanted ALL of his money to go to HER precious child, and the hell with her SO'S first child. She taught him how to play the system, work at a job without reporting it until CSEA finds out then quit before they can attach wages, repeat as often as necessary. He pulled that shit until he finally had to go to court last summer since they were about to throw his ass in jail for non-payment since it had been over a year since he'd paid anything at all or reported employment, even though he was working the whole time. She came to court with him, glaring at me the whole time. They also both think I'm making a ton of money (if I were, would my son and I still be living at home with my parents at my age, 38?). Well, I may have a B.A. and a paralegal degree, but I don't really make a helluva lot more than they do (I make $25,000 a year), but, since they make less, they think my parents and I are rolling in dough, and my parents are retired teachers, for God's sake!

My son has Asperger's Syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. This can cause all kinds of problems if you don't know how to handle him, which my parents and I do. We're also used to him and his little Asperger's-inspired quirks and eccentricities. I admit he can be overwhelming if you're not used to him and/or don't know how to handle him. But he's also very loving, funny, and charming and those who know him really love him. But it's caused all kinds of problems with his father and the SO.

I'd take him down for the afternoon, and we'd always have to have a mini-conference when I returned to pick him up (they live in my old college town so I'm familiar with the area and can find things to do for an afternoon) about his behavior, his smart mouth, etc., etc. I would repeatedly explain his condition to them, what it meant, what it involved, what needed to be done, what worked and what didn't. They are drill sergeants (ESPECIALLY her) who focus on the stupidest shit, like how he eats his potato chips, how he sits on the couch, etc., etc., stupid silly shit that we don't focus on or get obsessed over, and they're constantly yelling at him, which, as I've explained to them many times, only makes him worse. Yelling and physical discipline do NOT work with these kids, it only makes them angrier. They respond to calm firmness, with a bit of humor thrown in. He also, like most Asperger's kids, will "lecture" on subjects they're interested in and know a lot about, and they can recite verbatim things they've read and heard, regardless of whether those around them are interested in hearing it or not. They don't like that, it "embarrasses" them, particularly her, and she yells at him for "yammering", regardless of who's present, which really embarrasses him and hurts his feelings.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I've explained all this to them every time I pick him up, EVERY FUCKING TIME. But these people, to put it bluntly, are not the brightest lights on the stage, and they just aren't listening to me. They think they know better than me, my parents, and his teachers, doctors and therapists. They want to "get him into shape", and that just doesn't work with him. We don't have the same kinds of behavior problems with him that they do because we know how to handle him, and they, especially her, just will not listen. He loves his little brother, and gets very upset when they spank him, which is a lot because that's their method of handling kids. Then they yell at him for getting upset at their constant spanking of him.

I did not have these problems with his father before she came into the picture, and Chris had a pretty good relationship with his father. He says that "dad by himself isn't too bad, but it's dad and ____________ together that is, she's the strict enforcer."

Well, as some of you may remember, the last time I picked him up, we had to have yet another damned "talk", where I said the same fucking things over and over. When the SO asked if I had time to talk, then suggested we go for coffee, I should have known right then and should have told her to fuck off, it was late, and I had an hour's drive ahead of me. But, being the pushover that I am, I went anyway; she proceeded to recite his litany of wrongs and how concerned she was for him and that his behavior was going to get him into trouble when he really didn't mean to cause trouble because he was, basically, a sweet kid, blahblahblah. She wanted him to come for a week when he returned from vacation in South Dakota right after the 4th of July, then, after that, every other weekend. I was feeling very intimidated and overwhelmed (she's a very agressive, take-charge, bitchy type), and foolishly agreed to it, even though every time he's spent a weekend with them it's been a disaster. And every time I pick him up even after just an afternoon, I have a sullen, surly, somber, saddened, cowed child on my hands who is obsessed over their constant yelling and spanking and "talks", and it takes me days to get him back under control.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, shortly before my parents and Chris returned from South Dakota, I realized just what a mistake I'd made and emailed them saying that I didn't think it was a good idea and that he shouldn't spend a whole week and a half with them right now, maybe a few days, then we could build from there. I also very politely and diplomatically expressed my concern at their lack of understanding of Asperger's and the way to handle them, and suggested that they talk with my parents who could give them some solid, practical advice. It was my way of expressing my total disgust at their complete indifference to everything I was telling them, since they usually listen to my parents out of respect, if nothing else.

I didn't say anything in the email, but I was deeply, tremendously concerned about the transition, since transitions are extremely difficult for Asperger's kids, even older ones. She was going to be home with him all day while his father worked, and I was terrified that he would lash out in anger and frustration at her, or would try to run away, and she would call juvenile authorities on him. He always BEGS not to have to spend the night, and is very difficult to deal with whenever he returns from seeing them, even if it's just for the afternoon. One time last winter when he spent the weekend, he was sick for a whole week afterward, missing his solo in the school Christmas program as well as a whole week of school. It turned out that she hadn't cooked the pork she'd served thoroughly enough, and they all got sick. They also both smoke like chimneys, and that really bothers him, he coughs for a day or so afterward. And they get angry if he says anything about it, he's not "allowed" to say anything about their smoking, even if his eyes are burning and he's coughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, hoo boy, did I bring the wrath of Satan in his full fury down on me! Her reply email (and it was from her, not him) was rude, scathing, demanding, nasty, derogatory, and any other similar adjectives you can think of. The bitch had finally dropped her mask and out came the claws! She demanded that he be there on the day we had agreed on, saying, in capital letters, THIS IS NOT OPEN TO NEGOTIATION. She went on about how if "the court-ordered visitation had been followed from the beginning, this wouldn't be a problem now" (WHAT THE FUCK? She knew NOTHING about what the "court-ordered visitation schedule" was, or my efforts to comply with his father's version of it through the years!) She went on and on about how she didn't need to talk with my parents or me anymore, she'd "done her research on "Asperg's" (she couldn't even get the fucking name right) and had "experts" to consult if she needed help with his transition (yeah, right!) Plans had been made and she'd rearranged her work schedule (WHAT work schedule, she doesn't even have a fucking job, she goes to school at night so they don't have to pay for day care, she's 43, btw). She then said, again in capital letters, PLANS WILL NOT CHANGE THIS TIME, I won't be inconvenienced again, enough is enough. Now, I have NO FUCKING CLUE AT ALL what that is supposed to mean, since I had never changed any "plans" before? And if she considers his visits to be an "inconvenience", like she does the child support, then she can just go fuck herself from here to eternity for all I care!

Well, folks, I tell ya, something just snapped in me after I read that. I have always been too much of a pushover, too nice, "too authority-centered", as my mom puts it. I have bent over backwards for them, pretty much doing whatever they wanted. For three years, I have been the one to take him down, hang around town, then pick him up, NOT ONCE have they ever even offered to share any of the transportation at all. But something happened to me after I read that. I replied with an email that those who know me are really surprised that I wrote. I very calmly but firmly said that I was afraid that this WAS OPEN TO NEGOTIATION. Stepfamilies always had to be flexible and open, because things happen, schedules change, emergencies occur, and people reconsider. I said that I was his mother, I had the right, and was allowed, to reconsider a situation in light of what was in my child's best interests. I said how intimidated and overwhelmed I had been when I foolishly agreed to the week and a half visit, and that it wasn't in his best interest to do that right now. I asked how I could NOT be concerned when EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I picked him up, we had to have the same conversation over and over and over again, and that they just weren't listening. I told her in no uncertain terms that SHE WAS NOT HIS MOTHER, I WAS, and that she had no legal right or standing at all to "demand" or "negotiate" anything, or control how much time he spent with his father. She wasn't even technically his stepmother, I said, because they weren't even married. She had NO standing in this at all. I stuck to my guns as far as the schedule, and told her to have his FATHER write the next email if he had a problem with that!

Well, boy howdy, did he ever, and now HIS mask came off, and HIS claws came out! He basically said the same things she did, then indulged in a little rant over child support, and how much it was costing him and the problems it caused with him and the bitch, etc., etc. He then said that the schedule I proposed was NOT ACCEPTABLE (his capitalization), and that I was to have him there on the day we agreed. He then put in a P.S., asking when they could expect me to bring him down!!!!!!!!! Oh, the ARROGANCE!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, at this point, my parents and Chris had returned from South Dakota, and my mom was absolutely furious at them. We've always been nice and put up with their shit, and his shit before that, my parents have even taken Chris down there when I was unable to. And NOT ONCE during my recovery from my hysterectomy last year did they even call and ask to have him, she was still steamed about that. She brought up their smoking, the fact that they didn't have long distance access on the telephone (which really concerned me as well, how could Chris get ahold of me if he needed to?) and, most important, their complete lack of understanding of Asperger's and how to handle them and their indifference to anything I said about it. My mom really called it, she said that the SO thinks he misbehaves and wants to "get him into shape", especially since she'll be with him during the day while his father's at work.

So I replied to his lovely email, saying that he was not going to spend more than an afternoon or a day with him until they addressed those three issues, the smoking, the long distance access, and, most important, the Asperger's issues. And the fact that, since I had provided ALL of the transportation the past several years, without them even ONCE offering to share it, and that I hung around town for six/seven hours at a time before picking him up, if they wanted to see him for the day or the afternoon, THEY could be the ones to pick him up and bring him home.

Silence from them for several days, then a letter from a lawyer with the usual lawyer bullshit. But see, folks, I work for a lawyer and I know how the game is played. At my boss's insistence, today I hired a local attorney that my boss knows well and who knows me casually and is very good. Best of all, he's not charging me anywhere near his full rate or retainer. He reassured me that I was on solid legal ground as far as all of my concerns and issues were concerned, particularly the Asperger's, and that he was going to make that clear to them in his own letter to them, as well as the fact that the bitch has NO legal rights or standing whatsoever, even if they were married she wouldn't. SHE'S the one causing most of the problems, Chris shudders at the very thought of having to be around her and I've personally witnessed her bullshit both toward me and toward him. Now, I can handle her bullshit toward me, but I WILL NOT HAVE HIM SUBJECTED TO THAT! My own stepmother is firmly behind me, and is just as angry. She's especially angry at the bitch's attempts to take over everything, and her trashing of the kid's relationship with his father, as well as her drill sergeant know-it-all bullshit.

But I'm pissed that it's come to this, that I have to hire a lawyer to protect my son's interests from someone who should have his interests first and foremost, and that is his father. For once in my life, I intend to get some backbone and stand my ground, my son's mental, physical, and emotional health depends on that. Who the hell does that witch think she is, anyway? And just what, exactly, did they think they were going to do to me if I didn't bring him down when they demanded?

Geez, sorry for the book, lol! I just got going, and it all just poured out, I totally lost track of time and I really didn't mean to go this long! I'll keep ya posted (but not as long next time, promise!)

[DagmarK]

1. Hey there Liberalhistorian!

Whew.....that's a story! I remember catching the story a few weeks ago too.

You don't ever have to listen to that woman's crap again.......no way!

You've conceded way too much for way too long - you know that. It's absurd that you have waited around for a whole day and done all that driving for a visit.

But you know what? Your kid KNOWS that you aren't really GONE when he's at his dads. He has his momma right close...so that dynamic no doubt interferes with his ability to mesh with the dad and step-mom. Kind of like keeps the apron strings attached to him. But that's a small matter......

Heck, you should make SURE that the court orders NO SMOKING in the house or the car when your son is there. NONE! He already has a medical condition...he is no doubt on meds.....it can't be okay to be around the smoke. Of course, even without an illness.....that's bad. I have heard of visitation conditions where the parent isn't allowed to SMOKE indoors around the kid. Get that for your boy.

Since your son has these issues with asperger's syndrome, you might want to see if the court can appoint a guardian ad litem for him -- so that HIS exact interests can be looked into and represented (which should only make your case stronger).

I had a friend whose ex-hubby was really screwing up with child support, etc. and ONE visit from dad in 9 years! Then he SUES her for trying to keep the kid away from him (not mentioning that he HIT the kid on the 1st and only visit.....and the child was afraid to go see him).

And he sued her to reduce the $160 a month child support.....what was agreed to in 1993! Well......he regrets suing her, that's for sure. Child support was raised to like $500 a month.....among other things. And the court determined that some better warm up visits were necessary before the kid stayed overnight with him. This is costing this guy a fortune, since he lives across the continent and has to fly to Florida, get a hotel, rental car...

And you shouldn't have to drive ONE MORE MILE for these people.

Well, congrats on getting some backbone. I am glad the attorney friend of your boss is helping out. You deserve a fringe benefit like that on the salarly your boss is paying you! $25K for a paralegal? SHEESH. I hope it's a non-profit, do-gooder law office!

[DagmarK]

3. OH, forgot to say........

hey, this woman.....here she is with a baby with this guy...and he's telling her that he can't marry her because of YOU. This is bullshit. I can see why she is upset.....she has a kid and no wedding ring. And she knows deep down that he abandoned one woman with a kid......nothing stopping him from doing it to her. And she knows this....and he's making excuses. And to keep HIM around, she's buying into it.

I think you need to get the record straight with HER that he isn't marrying her because he doesn't want to be married. It doesn't have anything to do with you or the child support.

I think she needs some education on that.....and she can deal with the rotten sot she chose to get involved with and stop taking it out on you. Of course, you can't contact her directly now that they have an attorney, but somehow you need to get that message to her.

She has a big problem, but it isn't you. It's that sorry guy. Don't let him put that rap on you.......

[liberalhistorian]

10. That's a good point.

Unfortunately, she thinks I'm lying about how things were in our relationship after I got pregnant, since he denies everything and says that I'M the one who left, never mind that court records and filings, in black and white, back up my version.

[liberalhistorian]

5. That's a good point about my son knowing

I'm still in the area when he's there for an afternoon, I hadn't thought of that. The problem is, the times that he has spent the night things are just horrible for him and it takes my parents and I days to get him back under control, he obsesses over their constant yelling and drill sergeant discipline since we don't do that shit here. Also, they live an hour away, I really didn't want to drive all the way there, then all the way home, then all the way back, then all the way home again in one day. Now, if I'd had a boyfriend to visit or something, that'd be different, lol, but I didn't.

Good for your friend's handling of the ex, btw, only $160 a month? Shit, that's NOTHING! Unfortunately, my boss is not a do-gooder, non-profit firm, although he does try to help people when he can. He's a solo practice firm, so he really can't afford to pay me more than he does, he doesn't make enough. I help the bookkeeper, so I know he's not bullshitting me in that regard.

[Maddy McCall]

16. Yes...the child's advocate in court...

I had that when I went to court over an issue very similar to this one, and the judge considered the child's advocate (who was there sheerly for my son's best interest).

I was awarded full parental rights, and my ex's were terminated. There is hope.

[AnnabelLee]

2. Wow

you're really being put through the wringer. Kudos to you for standing your ground & getting a good attorney. I wish you & your son the very best of luck with your battle.

[liberalhistorian]

6. Thanks, I appreciate that!

It really does help to have support; I've got my family and then I've got my DU family!

[Maddy McCall]

18. Wish you could arrange supervised visitation in your parents'home

Considering the information you presented, some judges might view your ex's and his so's treatment of your son abusive....excessive smoking, yelling, hitting! If you had a child's advocate, you probably could have the court alter the visitation order so that it is supervised in a neutral location.

[Booberdawg]

4. YOU GO GIRL!!

:bounce:

[liberalhistorian]

12. Thanks, and welcome to DU!

That's a neat handle, btw!

[madrchsod]

7. looks like you`re

on the right track. it`s hard to try and be civil when others throw shit in your face...and of course you know that..but now you have someone else to help you so at least you can enjoy your life aliitle more everyday...sounds like you got alot of people on your side and it sounds like you got a pretty good boss for insisting you get legal help. sounds like you`re on the road to recovering your sanity..i know how these situtaions can over take your life..keep us informed....

[liberalhistorian]

14. Thanks, and I will, indeed,

keep you all informed, although without being quite so verbose next time, lol!

[qandnotq]

8. your son

is lucky to have a mother like you. it sounds really rough, but you're absolutely doing the right thing to stand your ground.

[liberalhistorian]

13. I know that I am, indeed, doing the right thing by

standing my ground, and that's what's really helping me stand firm, since I'm usually a pushover!

[radwriter0555]

27. I will offer a couple of alternate thoughts that may not have occured

to you;

I'm a single parent, never married to my kid's father. He owes me more than $50,000 in child support. I would rather not have that lousy $50 grand than allow him to have one iota of control over our lives. It's just too complicated. And he's not even a jerk like your ex. He's a nice guy who can't manage to get his crap together, so screw it. I lived in poverty for the first few years, but we managed, we got by... and we're doing great now.

Think about these things; they're avante garde, just open your mind.

What does your son truly gain, and I mean TRULY gain, from this relationship with his 'dad'? Does he instill values? Is he a good guy? Teaches him right from wrong? How to be kind to children, people, small animals? What if that creep dropped dead today. What would your son lose?

Is that $8.25 a day worth the agony these assholes are putting you through? I bet you spend more than that on gas, and time wasted while you take that poor child to visits with these creeps. It's only MONEY. They pay you to abuse you. Not very healthy, is it?

My opinion? FORGET ABOUT IT. Fuck em. Screw the money, work 4 nights a month waiting tables to make up for it if you REALLY need it. Chances are, you don't really NEED it. Are you entitled to it? Hell yeah. But why BOTHER? The cost of that $8.25 a day, .34c an hour, is a REALLY high price to pay for having SO MUCH DRAMA and antagonism in your life, and worse, in your SON'S life.

Thirty Four Cents an Hour is what you are paid to be put through hell and for your child to suffer.

Think of how far less complicated your life would be without these creeps in it. Can you live with out the drama? It takes getting used to.

Just forget them. Respond, be polite, let him visit them if they come get him. Stop being a push over. If the checks stop coming, forget it, don't mention it. Just let them slip away from your life. You don't NEED that man, you don't need their money. Your SONE doesn't need that man, he needs a healthy YOU far, far more. That man offers nothing of value to your son that your own dad can't provide as a far better role model.

It's unusual... but walk away from the drama. Move on... let them slide on out of your life. You will suddenly be FREE.. it's a marvelously enlightening experience. Just play in your head the scenario of the life unfettered by the drama these creeps inflict on you... See how it feels.

[monkeyboy]

29. I couldn't agree more

It sounds like everybody involved is just going through the motions because they think they have to. The Dad is an asshole and wouldn't miss the kid anyway. LiberalHistorian is putting up with all of it because she thinks she has to. The kid is spending time at the House of Horror because he thinks he has to. The bitchy step-mom from Hell is being forced to put up with something she's obviously never going to grow up and take responsibility for. The whole thing is a complete mess that can be solved by simply never contacting these people again. If the Dad and the bitch call, ignore them. Let them come over if they want to and pick up the kid. If they ever do, which I doubt, it'll only be a couple of times until they get tired of the drive. And LiberalHistorian, you need to grow a backbone. Giving in to these people is very selfish on your part. You're putting your kid through Hell because you'd rather just give in than make yourself uncomfortable by standing up to bullies. Fuck everybody else and do what's right for your child.

[radwriter0555]

30. Humans have a very hard time separating themselves from what

is real and what is imposed.

The behaviors described herein, are imposed -- and more, self imposed. This kid doesn't need this man to be a 'father' to him; this mom doesn't need the .34c an hour they give her. But they/we are told it's what we should do. That money is what she deserves. A kid 'deserves' to have a father. The father 'deserves' to share the burden/responsibilities of caring for the kid. The bitchy mistress 'deserves' to share in the responsibilities of the man who won't marry her.

Take allllllllll those factors out, and what you have left is what is best for this kid. The KID doesn't deserve a father who is a creep and who's mom thinks 'he should have a dad..". He deserves a good education, people who love him, healthy meals, fun toys, great experiences, a life free from bullies, unkind people and smokers... he deserves a happy, quiet life. WE ALL DO. However, sometimes we get used to the daily drama, and it becomes almost impossible to remove ourselves from it and to willfully create better circumstances.

Some people haven't the ability to remove themselves from what they know, regardless of how horrific the scene is. These are the people who suffer the most... but, harshly, I say, if they stay in the situation, they must enjoy something about it. It's the strong ones who can extract themselves from unpleasant situations and create the good vibe, the happy home, the relationships free from drama.

[liberalhistorian]

32. I agree with that, except for a couple of factors:

1. He had a good relationship with his father until the bitch came along and they had their own child.

2. His paternal grandfather set up a college trust fund for him.

And, the most important to Chris,

3. His little brother. He LOVES his half-brother (who's now three years old) dearly and is so very good with him; the child really loves him as well. He always wanted siblings, and this is the only one he'll ever have; I had a hysterectomy last summer so I obviously will not be having any other children (I'm 38 and unmarried, and it was getting kinda late anyway for that), and he sure as hell won't since he had a vasectomy after Freddy (the little boy) was born. Being an only child with no half-siblings myself, I know exactly how he feels and want him to continue the relationship with his brother. I wish he could have the relationship with his father that he had before the bitch came along as well. I would really, really hate to see him lose that relationship with his brother, he just LOVES him.

I agree about just letting things alone as far as contact with them is concerned, I thought I was doing the right thing by taking him down there for visits, especially when he wanted to see his brother, but THEY can come up here if they want to see him from now on, and they'll only have him for an afternoon and not overnight. I don't think they will, since they're so used to me doing all the driving, so I probably won't have to worry too much about dealing with them because the days of my providing all of the transportation, or ANY of it for that matter, are OVER and I made that clear in my email. Unless they've told their lawyer to go for custody or some such shit, which I wouldn't put past them at all, just to get back at me and so he wouldn't have to pay child support. They don't think long-term, such as the fact that having custody of him would cost TEN TIMES MORE than what he's currently paying (which is very little, frankly), they only think in the moment.

The other problem is that, under the laws of my state, I have little actual control over the child support issue, the Child Support Enforcement Agency handles that. When he wasn't paying last year, I never filed a complaint or anything like that, but it wouldn't have mattered if I had because they handle it separately. When they took him to court, the prosecutor's office represented the AGENCY, not me. So I don't know that I could just forget about child support on my own since that's taken over by the state. And he would never voluntarily relinquish his parental rights, anyway. I think he knows, deep down, the damage that bitch has caused in his relationship with Chris and he doesn't know what to do about it. She's such a witch that, if he ever did leave her, she'd have his balls in so tight a grip as far as child support, visitation, etc., are concerned that he wouldn't be able to move, and I think he's well aware of that. She doesn't give a shit if he pays support for Chris, in fact she resents it, but God forbid he should be even a half-hour late with a payment to her, I wouldn't want to be him, then!

[radwriter0555]

34. I hear excuses, not reasons. The excuse for continuing such a

toxic relationship is that your son loves his little brother.

That's great! So? When the girlfriend leaves, which she will eventually, she takes the little kid with her... and you think she'll let her son see your son? On what planet will that happen? Is that one relationship so extremely vital to your circle of life that you are willing to cling to that excuse to let these people subject him to hell? Is it really worth it? The choice is YOURS.

You have to be realistic here. You have the power and the ability to make the choices here. Severing ties takes time. If dad continues sending checks, great, put them into the kid's college fund and don't spend the money. Remove it from your budget. Forget about it. Begin separating the relationships a little at a time.

Just STOP it. Stop. Stop thinking about it until a check comes in the mail, then put it in the college account and forget it. Stop thinking about it until they call to have a visit. Then make what arrangements are convenient for you. DO NOT arrange YOUR life around them.

Stop the lawyer, stop the emails, stop the letters. Stop everything. Don't respond to them. Let them make the effort to contact YOU. Who cares if there is a trust find? Big deal, it's money. You either have it or you don't. Trust me, a few billion people have made a nice life without some lousy trust fund. Take the money out of the equation. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. It's your CHOICE.

Unless of course, you like the drama. If you're game for it, knock it on. Frankly I hate drama. I like things nice and quiet. I like hanging with my kid, playing... working in the yard, shopping. I don't like thinking about child support and mean people and who is hurting my kid. So I created a situation where I don't HAVE TO think about those things. I have controlled my life. You can too if you have the real guts to do it. It takes a HELLA lot more energy to worry about these creeps than to NOT worry about them. As a single mother, the choice is yours.

[liberalhistorian]

35. You make good points, but, at this point, I cannot

stop my lawyer because they've hired their own attorney to try and force the kind of visitation I don't want them to have, so I have to defend myself and my son from them.

[Fenris]

9. I can tell by your writing

That you, liberalhistorian, are a committed warrior. Hang in there! The gods bestow good things upon those who are in need.
:hi:

[liberalhistorian]

11. Thanks, I certainly hope that's true, lol!

eom

[Fenris]

15. Well, deities have a habit of being a bit inconsistent

But there's always hope!

[Maddy McCall]

17. LIBHIST--Please check your PM.

I just sent you a lengthy message...I have been in your shoes before...well not exactly, but pretty close.

Please check your PM as soon as you can.

:loveya:

[Divernan]

19. I hope your lawyer told you to STOP emailing.

And I am surprised that as a paralegal you did not know better than to put ANYTHING in writing under the hostile circumstances you describe. Documents are admissible in court and things you wrote in anger or weakness can come back to bite you in the butt!

If I were you, and saw how upset my son got from spending time with his father and especially the SO, I wouldn't have served as their enabler for all these years. Has it occurred to you that the SO may be plotting to take custody away from you, so that they get to keep their $250 a month and probably be able to get MORE than that amount from you in support.? (as per his dad's rant about paying child support and all the problems that caused them). Cause if she can just force your son into the behavior she thinks is appropriate, and they get custody, she'll have more disposable income AND a live in free babysitter. It is not uncommon for courts to switch adolescent boys' custody to their fathers, if both the boys and the fathers request it. Why else was it worth a whole week of her time to spend a week with a pre-teen she doesn't particularly like?

Sounds like your new lawyer is on the ball. It's up to you to grow a backbone and protect your son, 24/7. DO NOT get sucked in to
ANY arguments with those two. If they email you, do not respond. Print out a copy for or forward it to your atty. and do whatever he tells you to do about it. Also make clear to your son he does not have to answer their questions about you or your lawyer. Best not to say anything at all to your son that he must keep secret, so he is not in the middle of this mess anymore than he has to be.

You sound very intelligent, and you are a good writer. Since you're living at home, and have parents who are great with your son, why don't you go back to school at night/part-time and get your own law degree? Or an MBA, or something to increase your earning potential. $25,000 a year is not very much, especially when the meager $3,000 a year child support is sporadically paid. I speak from experience since I was a divorced Mom, making about that much money at your age, only with three kids, when I started law school (actually was 40). I just wish I had done it earlier. And there is nothing like law school to give you a backbone.

[Dirty Hippie]

20. Been there done that...

My daughter just turned 18 but I've gone through some serious shit for the last 15 years. My standard advice to moms (or dads) in similar situations:

1) Always remember, "This too shall pass"

2) Parenting experts say that kids need only 1 adult that is totally in their camp. Obviously it is best if all adults in a child’s life are loving, caring and sensitive to a child’s needs but kids, barring extreme abuse will be ok if they have that 1 person.

3) Kids recognize the truth eventually. A manipulative or disingenuous adult may fool a kid for a while, but as they mature they will know what is true about the relationships in their life. You do not need to tell them, they will figure it out on their own.

Good luck to you.

[revcarol]

21. If you get a guardian-ad-litem, spend some big bucks going over every

facet of the problem with him/her.Maybe observe you dealing with your son, how you deal with all the quirks and problems of the disease. If you don't do this, the guardian is going to bend over backwards to "be fair" and this is disastrous in dealing with abusive people and situations.

God be with you. It's tough, but you have the best reasons to forge ahead: you and your son's welfare.

[Maddy McCall]

22. The guardian ad litem in my custody case was provided by...

the district attorney's office. They were well acquainted with the domestic violence that had taken place prior, so it was very beneficial in my case.

The guy was an outspoken advocate for my son's best interest, which was unarguably in my home.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

23. While I'm not in a position to provide you with any advice

Please know that you and your son have my best wishes, thoughts and prayers with you as you deal with this situation. It sounds like you are going through a very painful and stressful ordeal and I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best

Regards,
SD1981

[Rowdyboy]

24. You're guilty!

:) of having a baby with a dumbass!

What an idiot to waste what little money he has hiring a lawyer for certain defeat. Just remind yourself that what you're doing is right for your child and that's the most important thing. But isn't it nice in a way to be able to stick it to a couple of absolute assholes? I'll bet you enjoyed writing those e-mails, especially when you told her to have him do the mail from now on-that she had NO say in the matter. I could feel her tighten her spincter from 1000 miles away. You described them both so well, I can almost see them. I've known those people and you're gonna have to hang in there-"beauty is skin deep, but stupid is to the bone!"

You should consider a career in writing. Your story was beautifully written, well paced, very desciptive and a pleasure to read-as have been your previous posts concerning your dates with conservatives. You have the knack.

[Moosenose]

25. Want to get REALLY pissy?

The next time they beat (er, I mean spank) your son, go to your local magistrate and get a warrant. Ask for an emergency protection order while you're at it. Stay on it, and press charges.

Life's hard enough for kids...much less a kid with health problems....much less a kid getting beaten for his health problems.

[cap]

26. you've got the power in this situation....

don't been intimidated by Ms. Drill Sgt. These type of people go as far as they can until they are wacked back into place.


Ms Drill Sgt. is irrelevant. She has no legal standing in this matter. Do not deal with her at all. Deal with the father only. Your attorney needs to write a letter expressly forbidding her to administer corporal punishment to either of your children. If you do not wish for your children to be left alone with her, your attorney can go get a restraining order forbidding her to even be present with the children and/or for the father to be present during all hours of the visit. All transitions are to be done with the father and you only. You can forbid overnight visitations as he has is not married to the girlfriend -- and it is not "healthy" for your children to be around this situation. I would advise you to play hardball on this point. This can be backed up with a note from a medical practitioner explaining your child's condition. Have the medical practioner include all the particulars of the situation and the appropriate treatment/intervention. Add these recommendations to the court order. Once Ms. Drill Sgt. is wacked back into her place, she will become very quiet. My feeling is the Ms. Drill Sgt. can not handle your child without violence. Without violence, she will not want the kid around -- especially with the demands of new motherhood of her own!!! You know all the burdens of the first six months of new motherhood. I wouldn't want to take care of someone else's special needs child along with my own newborn. I would be overwelmed. This may be good for the father as well. He will be forced to parent his child or forgo visitation as was his previous pattern.

Second of all, since they are playing legal, play legal back. Go back to your court orders and hold his feet to the fire. Collect up all your bills and send them to him. Request the money to cover it. Document the lateness of the child support. Also, ask him to pay half of a calling card that your children can use to call each other's home. Go back and renegotiate child support. At this point the court must be sick and tired of him evading child support. Get him to pay insurance like he is supposed to -- or change the court order to increase child support to reflect this. Let the threat of jail scare him into getting a job and paying child support regularly. Let the court know that he has got another woman pregnant.

Go back to the court order and see who was to do the transport and what the hours of visitation are. Stick to that agreement down to the letter. Most people find that onerous and want flexibility. In the short run, it will be painful for everyone. He has no free babysitter. Ask for him to do half the transitioning. It is a real pain to have to show up punctually on a regular basis. In the long run, you can renegotiate things.

Remind him, that you and he had a working relationship before Ms. Drill Sgt. showed up. You would like to return to that relationship but if Ms. Drill Sgt. keeps getting involved, you will have to play hardball. But don't say anything more yourself and definitely no emails. Have the attorney say this for you.

Remember: You've got the power.

[buddhamama]

28. sending love and hugs,LH

to you and your son.

you don't need me to tell you you're doing the right thing,just letting you know you have friends here who can be a source of strength and support;even if all we can do is listen.

please keep us posted.

[dawg]

31. Hang in there!

Sorry to hear about all of the trouble you are having.

[davsand]

33. Father's SO spanks/hits your kid?

What is up with THAT? I'd have her liver for lunch if it was my kid in that situation. For sure I would look to get an OP on her--keep her away from your child!

I'm not as rabidly anti-spanking as a lot of people, but if she's hitting your kid in any way--and you've explained to her that form of discipline doesn't work, then I'd have to view it as abuse or even an A/B.

If Dad wants to see his son that much, then Dad better be sure the child is safe!

Laura

On Edit:

I'm sory if I sounded critical of you--that was NOT my intent. You've tried your best to give your son access to his Dad and half brother. For that, I do commend you.

It just seems to me that if they really did have the chid's best interests in mind they'd not be acting this way.

Sorry if I sounded harsh.

L.

[catpower2000]

36. Well, they're spanking him, so they have no legs to stand on...

All you have to do is go to court and make sure the judge knows that they're abusive to your son, who is special needs. They won't have a snowball's chance in hell of retaining any sort of custody arrangement.

GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP!! Keep it going, you're doing the right thing for your son and that's the important thing. Stay strong and come vent to us when you need it! :hi:

Cat

[liberalhistorian]

37. Thanks, Cat!

I think I'm on very strong legal grounds with both the smoking and the Asperger's issues, the smoking alone is strong enough to get the courts to allow only supervised visits, and no overnights. I'm hoping that the letter from my lawyer will shut them up enough so that they leave us alone for a helluva long time, which would more than suit me. He's also writing a letter to their lawyer, in addition to one to them, making things crystal clear. I think their lawyer knows they don't have much ground at all, if any, to stand on and will hopefully do his job and try to make them see that. He's also making it clear in both letters that the bitch SO is absolutely NOT to have any involvement at all in this anymore, she is not to take over or take charge of everything, like she's been allowed to do by his father; in fact, she's not to have any involvement at all. And they may bluster and bitch, and their lawyer may do the same, but I'm on solid legal ground, since she has NO legal standing whatsoever as far as Chris is concerned. Even if she were actually married to his father, and were actually his stepmother, she would have no legal rights or standing at all.