My brother has asked me to stay away from the funeral...

[IdaBriggs]

when my father dies. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I called him for an update on my father's condition, and he was being kind of a jerk. I asked him what was up, and we got into a two hour long discussion of our family dynamic. (For those who haven't been following the ongoing saga of the disaster that is my family, I'm not on speaking terms with most of them, including my father, because they all SUCK. Trust me on this: they are NOT nice people, but I didn't really clue in on it until last year.)

Anyway, I've been wrestling with how I intend to handle the situation, and he was one of the "I should go and be supportive" factors; now, I'm thinking of putting my brother in the "write off" column. It was interesting hearing his perspective (which has me as a completely rotten, self centered person who brings sorrow and misery to everyone around her), especially when I knew he was being full of shit. Who knew I was such a powerful human being, with the ability to control the behavior of everyone around me? How could I not know what a controlling bitch I was being when I asked one of my sisters to let me know when she would have time to talk about our relationship -- and then decided that not hearing from her for nearly a year was kind of a clue? Who knew that telling my mother her druggie daughter was probably going to lose custody of her kids when someone who was NOT GOING TO BE ME turned her in to social services really meant that *I* was going to have her kids taken away? Who knew that wanting an active heroin addict drug tested as part of getting a "free" car from grandma and grandpa was me being silly -- just because she totaled the last one out on I-75 while strung out on drugs, and was under the influence in front of the entire family ten days before was no reason not to trust her!!!

My family is insane, and heaven knows I'm a lot calmer when I'm not around them. It just stuns me that he would be nervy enough to ask that *I* not come around and "upset" these people (and he included his wife in the mix) -- is he NUTS?

I told him he should be ashamed of himself, and hung up.

ARGH!!!

[donco6]

1. You pretty much summed it up:

"Is he nuts?"

The answer is yes.

[IdaBriggs]

7. Actually, he really is.

I'm one of the few not on medication; therefore, in their world, I am either a) in denial, or b) in need of medication. Never mind the fact real live professionals have told me I'm not in need of meds. In the sicko world of the family lunatics, something must be wrong with ME. Sigh.

[donco6]

13. Wish I had more help for you.

But this one sounds too complicated to even offer advice. And that's from someone who hadn't spoken to his brother for 20 years until my father died last summer. We managed to barely tolerate each other for a few weeks. I'm sure I'll never speak to him again.

[XanaDUer]

2. Does he have the right to tell you, a fellow sibling and

child of your father, to NOT come?

I feel for you. This situation really sucks. I'm in pretty much the same place.

:hug:

[IdaBriggs]

11. I'm not sure. My mother and I are fighting, too, and the rest of the

sibs apparently want nothing to do with me (or me with them). I'm not sure what the etiquette of the situation is. I'm also not on speaking terms with my father, so...?

[salin]

20. The hard thing about a loss - is that everyone experiences the loss,

but can't seem to set aside their own loss enough to allow for other's (even those with whom one is at odds) loss. If you have the strength - I would suggest that you go - but hang back, allow it to be your private loss rather than partake in the public family collective loss. Do both - honor your need to pay respects (regardless of the current condition of the relationship) - and honor other family members their need/right to do the same. Hang back, and try to stay out of the way of others... and expect them to do the same. Limit your time with others in the family - for your own sanity. That is, be there as you need to be, but don't spend extra time and energy with others (even if you feel obligated per the "I really ought to do x or y"). Serve your needs, and allow themn to serve their own needs. And even if in the short time together people are awful - bite the tongue (for the moment) and rant/rave all you need after the fact. Just one possible approach to the situation.

[Undercover Owl]

24. I agree with xanaDUer

You are on an "as equal" level as your brother, in relation to your parents. Every child in a given family is going to have a unique relationship with their mom and dad, slightly different than each sibling. You have your own plusses and minuses in your connection to each parent.

Your brother has a lot of nerve to say you shouldn't attend your father's funeral. He has no right to say that.

[XanaDUer]

28. Yes, they seem to be imposing themselves

between the father and the child's relationship.

To the OP, if it would make you feel uncomfortable to go, by all means don't go.Is there a friend/ally you can take to help you make it through if you do go?

Everyone needs to make their own decisions, but I don't think it is appropriate for another sibling to tell their sister/brother to not come to a parent's funeral.

My 0.02 worth.

[Helga Scow Stern]

3. Yes, and you are better off

letting them keep to themselves.

Just try not to take it personally.

[IdaBriggs]

14. Not easy. But good advice. Thank you! nt

[PartyPooper]

4. When the time comes, I would attend the funeral, anyway.

And, I would hold my head high. And, I would only speak to those who wouldn't want a confrontation. Screw the rest!

Good luck!

O8)

[IdaBriggs]

16. Its a "no win" for me either way, isn't it?

They'll be saying I'm rotten no matter which way I turn. I really need to make up my mind about what is best FOR ME, and I guess I'm not sure of that yet.

[PartyPooper]

25. From personal experience, I know what you're talking about.

Please don't allow your siblings (or others) to dictate what you feel you must do / or not do under the circumstances. It's not fair to you!

And, if you don't attend the funeral of your father I feel you'll regret it for the rest of your life (they controlled you!).

Again, good luck!

:grouphug:

[susanna]

17. I'm with PartyPooper...

I would attend, silently pay respects and/or consider your father's life, then leave. If anyone attempts to engage you, I would not respond at all if it would escalate. Just go in and go out quietly.

On edit: if someone tries to engage, just say robotically "this is not the time or place." If that would help...from the looks of it, I don't know that it would. :-(

My thoughts are with you, Ida. What a difficult situation.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

5. Did you really want to attend?

Honestly, I think you're better off leaving them to their own misery.

[IdaBriggs]

19. Part of me wants to so I can make sure he really IS dead.

Part of me doesn't want to, because its going to be upsetting. And then there is the part of me that wants to pay my respects to the person he was when he wasn't being an abusive son-of-a-bitch, if that makes any sense. I am fairly conflicted about it. :(

[Lone_Star_Dem]

21. Yes. it does make sense.

They're all normal healthy feelings. Perhaps there's some way you could view him privately? It would save you from having to deal with your family's problems and give you the closure you need.

[jody]

6. Ignore your brother and the rest of your family. Attend your father's

funeral. If you don't it will come back to haunt you in the future, perhaps decades from now, but it will haunt you.

If possible, summon up the courage to visit your father before he passes on. You will feel better if you do.

God bless you and yours.

[Sub Atomic]

8. Ida, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your path has been full of diversions and challenges.

Your strength is admirable.





regardless of how this turns out, i wish you the best. it's never easy to be pulled into another's problem. especially when you love them.

:hug:
:kiss:

[HeyManThatsCool]

9. I feel for you

It sounds like it isn't healthy for any of you.

They are blaming you for upsetting the apple cart (Trying to point out what reality looks like) & they obviously cant deal with it. Apparently instead of trying to deal with whats really happening, they seem to have banded together to blame you.

I'm sure you want to pay your respects to your father- thats a tough call. Sounds like it would be a seriously messy scene if you showed up while they were there. I'd call & ask the funeral home to arrange a private viewing for you (if you would want that- not being a viewing person myself, I understand not) and go privately to the graveside & have your own moment.

To some people that might sound like your being excluded and you should rage against the machine... etc. And there is truth to that. But my advice comes out of trying to save you discomfort. You'll be upset enough as it is without having a family pile on as they play "Let's Blame IdaBriggs". Someone else posted that you might regret for years missing the service- I say, you might regret going forever, depending on how hostile your family is & how likely they are to lash out. Since you've mentioned there are addicts that makes the chances pretty high. It really might end up being more meaningful to do your own thing.

If your dad is in the hospital, and you feel like you want to, you should arrange a time to go when none of them will be there & say goodbye.

There are people in life that it is better to walk away from. Sadly some of these people are family.

My thoughts are with you!

[crispini]

10. Man. They sound wackball.

Here's a hug :hug: and hi Ida -- haven't run into you in awhile.... :hi:

[Floogeldy]

12. Go see your father

[mitchtv]

15. Make your own decision

But, if you decide to go. Go straight home alone,don't get drawn in.

[Ilsa]

18. He's counting on you to not attend so he can hold it against

you later. Well, at least that wouldn't surprise me.

Go to the funeral, especially if you want to. He is/was your father too. Don't let someone else's insanity keep you from going. Ignore them at the funeral if you need to.

[susanna]

23. That is a great point, Ilsa...

I know a sibling who did just that to a good friend of mine. My friend was sane, his family was not, and yet his siblings told him not to attend the funeral since my friend and his mother (in this case) were not close. The friend did not attend, and the sibling has held it over his head ever since.

So, long story short, I'm torn for Ida. I don't know what she should do. :-(

[BillZBubb]

22. If you once had any respect for your father, go.

You don't have to talk to anyone, you don't have to socialize, you don't have to be acknowledged. It's about your feelings to your father and whether you feel it reasonable to pay final respects.

I'd go no matter what anyone else told me if I felt it was merited.

And, you are correct, he should be ashamed of himself.

[n2mark]

29. Here is another solution

If you don't feel it is healthy for you to attend he funeral, go to a private place and write him a letter with all of your feelings. Once your dad is buried, you can go to his grave leave the letter there or read it out loud. Actually, if you attend the funeral what will it accomplish? Who are you satisfying? If you are attending for family sake, will that make a difference in relationships? It doesn't sound like it. It also depends how important it is to you personally to attend his funeral. If it will give you peace, attend, if not you also can go to a private place and talk to him. Believe me that helps too.

I'll say some prayers for you.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

26. The only thing that matters is that you do what you can live with now

and when he passes.

If you can live with not seeing him and making one last communication, then don't see him.
If you can't , then go no matter the discomfort.

If you can live with not attending the funeral, then don't...but if in your heart you know you can't, then go no matter the discomfort.

It's about what you can live with in yourself.

My definition of forgiveness is "giving up forever all claim for revenge."

[saracat]

27. I am so sorry Ida. I have the same situation in my family.

It is too bizarre to go into, but I empathize. For what it is worth, I say go.You are also a child of your father and you need to bring closure to what might have been.

[IdaBriggs]

30. I will NOT be the family punching bag.

I am going to be okay with this. I think, after all is said and done, I'm going to go with the private viewing thing. He's not dead yet, so, I just need to figure out how to keep posted about his health (since, obviously, I don't want to talk to my brother for a while) -- perhaps the hospice people or pastoral care?

With a private viewing I can pay my respects, make sure he really is dead (he was an abusive asshole), and take care of myself. At least I am at a point emotionally where I don't expect "support" or "nurture" from "the family!" I will also make sure my personal support network is aware of the situation, and probably make arrangements for a private "wake" on the day of the funeral; that way, I can have a ceremonial "closure" situation, and be surrounded by people who actually care about me (as opposed to the scum suckers who will be dramatically mourning my father's death). I can also avoid the "Jerry Springer" moments that would undoubtedly occur if I went anywhere them....

What a mess -- I really appreciate the support you folks have been giving me tonight!!! Thank you!!!

[salin]

31. This sound like a sane

approach - meets your needs, and doesn't exacerbate the "needs" of others which dysfunctionally seem to include the need to create a sense of superiority by beating up on you (due to your trying to bring sanity to familial situations.) Thus it doesn't allow much opportunity for the others to (dysfunmctionally) take their grief out on you. First priority - meet your needs, and this sounds like a good plan for doing so. Especially the setting up your own support network to deal with the highly piqued mixed emotions likely to be present at the time (loss of a father/loss of an abusive force in the family/loss of a father....etc.)

Peace be with you, Ida.