Should I send out this letter that I wrote in a fit of passion?

[ALago1]

Ok here is the deal.

Several years ago, when I was a freshman in college and less of a man than I am today, I was a complete an utter asshole to this girl that I was involved with. I won't go into the details, but it basically involved me breaking her heart after leading her on and telling her that I truly and deeply cared for her. I also broke off the whole thing abruptly, not even taking the time to say I was sorry for doing what I did, eventually avoiding her contacts altogether and ignoring all her calls from that point forward.

From what I had heard from mutual friends, the whole affair absolutely devastated her. They said that it changed her and how she looked at men from that point on. I repressed the whole situation, tried to move forward and not think of the hurt that I'd caused. Last night, after four years have passed, my conscience suddenly woke up and said enough.

I was compelled to take out a sheet of paper and pen, and start writing her a letter about how sorry I was for everything that happened. I explained everything that was on my mind but was too cowardly to say before. About how much I enjoyed ourtime together, and how I knew how I acted was vile and that I never really wanted to hurt her. I wrote of how I was just going some things that made me incapable of being close to anybody.

Now I'm wondering if I do send this letter, that nothing good can possibly come of it. On the one hand, I'd be able to tell her that what I had done had caused me regret and I'd finally get to say "I'm sorry". On the other hand, I could be just reopening old wounds that may not be wanted at all on her part.

The letter I wrote even gave her my contact information, if she ever wanted to talk about what happened. The only thing preventing me from sending it is wondering if it is even a good idea...

What do you think?

[SarahB]

1. Nothing wrong with an apology.

Just don't lead her on again in any way, shape, or form. It's wrong to toy with people's emotions. I suspect you now realize that.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. I think that's for you to decide

It's one of those things others can't answer because we really don't have all the facts even though you posted a great deal of them.

I'd do a gut check and if you are doing this to serve HER then send it...if it's only to purge your guilt and serve yourself in some way and could end up hurting her then don't send it.

[ALago1]

7. That's just it...

...what prompted me to start writing it was in fact my own guilt. Then I thought to myself how self serving it would be if I wrote this in a way that was obviously just to reconicile my guiltiness..

So the letter is written only to serve her, to tell her that nothing was her fault and that she is a great person who got involved with me at the wrong time. But the impetus of writing it was indeed pretty self serving...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. OK so now that you are past that...rewrite the letter again

and see what you get. I think the important thing is the process more than the end result.

[ALago1]

13. Thank you for your advice, I think I will do a rewrite.

n/t

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

15. Good luck with it...focusing the energy with the intent really does shape

the communication. And thanks for having enough of a conscience to distinguish between that which is done for her and that which is done for you.

GOod luck with the end result..which I suspect will be peace of mind for both of you.

[lukasahero]

3. I wouldn't

"and I'd finally get to say "I'm sorry". "

Sounds to me more like you just want to assuage your guilt than do anything that will actually make her feel better.

[Bullwinkle925]

4. I agree with Nothingshocksmeanymore

Examine your feelings about this letter. Is it truly for her or for yourself? Sounds like you are purging yourself of your guilt for how you treated this woman. Again, you gave some information, however we aren't privy to all of it so it is difficult to say.
It's a good thing that you have had a self-awakening about your treatment of her and hopefully this will help you in future relationships.
Good luck.

[JimmyJazz]

5. yes - you should send the letter, but allow her a way to contact

you if she wants to talk about it. It will hurt her, but it will also allow some closure.

[fit4life]

6. I did almost the exact same thing.

I chased a girl for a good year, finally got her to go out with me and then dumped her after about two months. She moved out of state to get away from me and we didn't see each other for about 10 years. About three years ago I was working as a bouncer in a local bar and she came in. We were both kind of shocked to see each other, but time seemed to have helped her heal the wounds. We talked, exchanged numbers, and kept in touch. I apologized to her profusely for being such a rotten asshole, and I'm pretty sure she accepted the apology.

We're getting married March 19th. lol

[ALago1]

11. What a story! lol

She gave you a second chance? That says a lot about what a good-natured person she is.

[Freebird12004]

16. What a wonderful ending for you "fit4life".

But my gut feeling is that only time and meeting other truly good men will heal Alago1's former girlfriend's pain.

However - giving her the chance for better closure on a relationship that meant so much to her might make it easier for her to go forward with her life.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

22. Congratulations, fit4life! That is so great!

[tilsammans]

8. I don't think it's a bad thing . . .

. . . to demonstrate to someone you've hurt that you've turned over a new leaf. Being a reformed asshole is better than continuing to be an asshole. And what the hey, even if it's only about your guilty conscience, why live with those feelings?

I say, send a brief note, and then be prepared to let it go. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I hope it goes well for you . . .

[Beer Snob-50]

9. I say you should send the letter.

It does twofold. One, it purges your conscience (no matter what a good thing) and two, it may give the idea that men are not all dicks!

Good Luck to you!

[johnnie]

12. Is this an attempt to rekindle the relationship?

I'm just wondering.

[ALago1]

14. No, not at all...

Perhaps to be friends, sure. But no thoughts of a relationship.

[Freebird12004]

17. "Do No Harm"

from my point of view ~ if my old boyfriend said " I'm sorry for the way I dumped you." {I got a break-up email} I would still care enough to be friends - as I have been with some of my other ex-boyfriends - but I know in this one case I would be wishing for a reconciliation.

[ALago1]

18. I agree

I hope that if and when I send this it is a help for her. I don't want it to bring back bad memories...

[Freebird12004]

20. the bad memories will always be mixed with the good memories.

The problem with being "dumped" is the confusion of "why didn't I see this coming" and the futility of knowing that there truly is nothing that can be done to stop the hurt of losing someone before you fall out of love. I don't want to spend the balance of my life going on first dates that lead nowhere - but that has been my dating-life since he dumped me and it's been a very lonely two years of trying to put him behind me.

I'm not ready to give up but I got tired of looking. So I'm just enjoying everyday as much as I can. The problem is that I still want to send him an email about something wonderful that I saw and I want to share with him - but, sadly, that part of my life - sharing the small joys with someone very special is over for now.

[Floogeldy]

19. Send it!

It can only make her feel better.

[Nikia]

21. If I were her, I'd appreciate it

There have been people who I cared very much for who have hurt me and an apology would only help, not hurt. I still have unresolved incidents that I feel very bad about which happened up to several years ago.
There are a few people though who it might take such a letter badly. This is an acceptable risk though because it will hurt much less than the original incident, it only involves you and her, and you are not presently involved in her life. If the last two scenarios were true, you'd have to feel it out a bit more.

[samplegirl]

23. I think its great even after 4ys.

Obviously this is something you think about often. Repressing your
feelings is not good. Not that you can change the past...but she
will know that this has caused you distress as well.
You can at least rid yourself of some of your guilt.

One of my favorite quotes ever written
was by S. Javen
If there must be pain
then let it be my pain
for it would be easier to bear
any pain that you might give
than the pain i've felt in knowing
that i had hurt you.