Advice Pls---Am I being unreasonable, or am I being taken advantage of?

[Heddi]

Situation:

I'm in nursing school. Husband is taking CNA classes on other end of town, and because he has to be in school at 6am, he has priority use of our only car.

There is a girl in my class who I'm pretty good friends with who lives on my end of town and drives within 3 blocks of my house on her way to and from school every day.

A few weeks ago, when Mr. Heddi started his CNA class, I asked if she would mind giving me a ride to and from school while he was in class and had the car. I offered her $10 a week for her trouble.

Last week was the first week that she took me to and from school. We had school 5 days a week, and she took me to school every day and back home every day except for one day.

This week, we only had class 2 days (tuesday & wednesday)

So last week, at the end of the week, I gave her $10.

This week, I gave her $5, because she only drove me there 2 days.

She got all pissy, saying that I promised her $10 a week, and she's gotta feed her kids, and how's she going to put gas in the car and she has to get to work and her rent is due and all this other stuff....

I guess I'm not trying to rip anyone off, but I just don't see how she could assume that I would pay her $10 EVERY WEEK no matter how little we had class. I guess I look at it like if she only took me to class 1 day, I shouldn't have to pay her $10 for ONE day worth of car trips, you know.

Because I'm terribly desperate for a ride to school (i'd have NO other way to get there if it weren't for her, aside from getting to class at 5:30am if my husband dropped me off), I relented and gave her another $5 yesterday just to quell her freak out and guarantee that I'd have a ride to school next week.

I should also mention that last week, not only did I give her the agreed-upon $10 for the rides, but I also bought her a pack of cigarettes ($5.00) AND bought her 2 cups of coffee (at least $7.00 total).

I think I'm being fair. Again, my intention isn't to rip her off....I just don't see why I should pay $10 a week for gas $$ for someone who drives by my house anyways AND only took me to school 2 days this week if she gets $10 for taking me to school 5 days last week.

Am I making sense? I'm not against paying her...I just don't think that I should be responsible for her gas to work, or her kids, or her rent. I'm paying her more (imo) for her inconvenience of having to drive 4 blocks out of her way in the AM/PM than I am for gas, you know. I'm not against paying her, but I don't like being taken advantage of....equally, I don't want to inadvertantly take advantage of another person.

SOrry for the ramble. I'm really upset---I like her as a friend, and (honestly) just as importantly, I have to have a ride to and from school for the next few weeks while hubby finishes up training.

Advice? Opinions?

[Goldmund]

1. I dunno, seems like a lot of words and a lot of thought...

...for 5 bucks.

[Heddi]

5. Sorry...i've got the day off from school

and nothing else to do:)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. some people REALLY ARE just that way with money

Give her the ten bucks a week but DO NOT buy her a thing above or beyond that..if so, make sure it is a LOAN not a gift. Some people are just penny pinchers and those of us that are fair or generous get taken by them..you need to be the exact same way with money with her that she is with you.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

3. Here's a (free) lawyerly opinion

You're not going to like it. But, here it is:

You said you "promised her $10 a week."

That's it. Right there.

You promised her $10 a week, you owe her $10 a week, whether she picks you up five times or two times.

A better deal for you might have been if you had offered her $2 a day for each day you needed her for your ride. But, that's not the deal you offered. That's not the deal you made.

You said $10 a week, and that was what she relied on.

Just remember, you got this for free.....................

[Heddi]

4. Yeah that's what I was thinking, but I guess I also thought

that she had a bit of common sense. (just kidding).

I look at it like if I was the one picking her up, and she said "I'll give you $10 a week for picking me up" and I only picked her up 2 days, I would NEVER accept $10 for that. That's insane.

I hope i'm not coming off like a cheap-skate. I'm really not like that. I hate 'owing' people anything and just hated to have to ask her for a ride to begin with. I just didn't think that she would take "10 a week" THAT LITERALLY, you know. I thought that since she's taken some higher-level math and science classes that she'd have a bit of sense to understand...I don't know....I guess I should have been clearer.

I just think that she's seeing me as a free ride (no pun intended). I guess on weeks that we only have class 1 or 2 days, I'll take a cab or get to school 4 hours early rather than have to go through this week after week

:cries:

[OldLeftieLawyer]

7. You just repeated what you said in your original post

And, I'll repeat - you made a deal.

What did you think that meant? "I'll give you ten bucks a week if you'll drive out of your way to pick me up and bring me home." That was your offer. No mention of any daily rates, just the ten bucks.

How you would do it is irrelevant here, and what you bought her is also irrelevant - she's accepted the deal that you offered her. Sorry, but I think you are coming off as a cheapskate, especially when you throw in, gratuitously, what you bought her.

Maybe you'd do better to find another ride. It sounds like you're very angry with this woman because she held you to your offer, so you might want to set up something else.

Words, by the way, are literal when business is being done, as you did with that woman. Claiming now that you "just didn't think she would take (the offer) so literally" is kind of snarky. I mean, when you go to the grocery store, and you see that watermelons are five bucks each, do you pick up a small one and then claim it should be cheaper because it's smaller?

Yeah, you should definitely find other transportation.

[Heddi]

12. I'm really not trying to be snarky! Honest

And just to clarify, I wasn't talking about the stuff I bought her in a gratuitious way, I just added that to show that I don't know...that I'm generous with my friends and I don't mind buying them stuff if they need it.

LIke I said below, you're right. I should have been clearer with my terms instead of assuming that she could read my mind and know that I really meant X when I said Y

Thanks for your input

[OldLeftieLawyer]

20. Good luck, Heddi

I think you're going to make a great nurse. Toughest job in the world, I think. Kudos to you.

[RoeBear]

14. Great lawyerly advice

if you were working for Miss Pissy.

The $10 a week carried with it an implied useage of 5 days a week.
She is no more obligated to pay $10 dollars for 2 days of class then she would be obligated to continue paying 10 bucks a week if she dropped out of class.

And yet...if she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face fighting over the five dollar difference is the thing to do.

And I agree with others don't buy Miss Pissy any extra cigs or coffee.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

34. "implied usage"?

I'd argue that, I really would, especially since there was nothing "implied" about the deal.

Ten bucks, you take me to school.

Short, sweet, to the point, and that's why legislative drafting and appellate practice are two of the most important courses you can take in law school. I think.

[RoeBear]

24. A question for the lawyer;

if this is an enforceable contract should Heidi be able to 'force' (through the courts) Miss Pissy to take her to school?

[OldLeftieLawyer]

33. Am I getting paid for this?

Ah, you just opened up a most beautiful can of worms.

The answer is (and your question is hypothetical, I hope):

maybe.

For the rest of it, you'll have to send me $10.

I take PayPal and cheap wine in paper bags.

[marzipanni]

6. Too bad you didn't offer $2.00/day

but it does sound convenient for you, and if there's no bus, what are your options (other than getting to school so early!)?

on edit- My phone rang just as I was about to send my post; didn't mean to repeat someone else's response!

[Heddi]

9. Besides her or getting to school early

I could take a cab, but I live in a shady city and I don't think that I'd be very safe in the cab by myself.

[REP]

8. Stick To The Original Terms

A few weeks ago, when Mr. Heddi started his CNA class, I asked if she would mind giving me a ride to and from school while he was in class and had the car. I offered her $10 a week for her trouble.

You offered her $10 a week; she accepted. Those are the terms you two agreed to; you really can't change them now that you've thought over how many classes you have each week without looking bad - or losing your ride!

Pay the agreed-upon amount, and skip buying her coffee and cigarettes.

[Nikia]

10. Unfortunately, you have your deal

Some people would have taken you to school for half the gas money of the trip, some people would have taken you for a cup of coffee or soda per ride, and some friends would do it for free if you showed your generosity in other ways. You offered $10/week. She evidently could really use $10/week and is probably counting on it as a small source of income. As NSMA said, don't buy her anything. Remember, some people give their friends rides for coffee, cigarettes, soda, ect. as sole payment.

[Heddi]

11. Thanks everyone for your opinion

I can see where It looks like I'm coming off as a cheapskate, even though that's not my intention (by perception here, or in real-life with her).

I should have been clearer with the terms, and been clear with HER so that I conveyed what I thought as opposed to assuming that she knew what I meant.

I guess i'm not so much mad at her as I am mad at myself for not making the terms of the deal clearer.

Thanks. I'll pipe up and pay the $10 til the end of the quarter

[Maddy McCall]

13. You made a deal for 10 bucks each week.

If you had made a per day deal, it would have been different. You should have been more clear with her.

If I were you, I'd be glad to have the ride for ten dollars each week. Just cut out giving her the other money for cigs or coffee.

When you only gave her five dollars for the week, even though it was only for two days, she probably thought that it was she who was being taken advantage of.

Really, you are lucky to find a ride for that little bit of money. It's tough to have to depend on others for transportation.

[Pithlet]

15. Well, had I been the friend, I wouldn't have made a stink about it.

I wouldn't even have mentioned it. But, you probably should have just given her 10 dollars anyway, as it was your agreement. Just give her 10 bucks from now on, no matter what, and put it behind you. It will probably be forgotten by both of you in a few weeks :)

[Bullwinkle925]

16. I'd give her the ten bucks but dispense with buying her cigs and coffee.

[sbj405]

17. Well since she's your only ride to school, I'd give her the $10/week

It's much cheaper than a second car. Did you offer to buy her the cigarettes and coffee? If so, then you shouldn't think of that as part of the $10.

In this situation, you have to realize that it's not only gas money, but you are causing her to adjust her schedule. She can't go anywhere directly from class or before.

Bottom line: $10/week when there's no other ride seems like a great deal.

[welshTerrier2]

18. think you're being taken for a ride ???

bunch of random thoughts ...

how many more "short weeks" will there be this year? if it's only a few, maybe it's not worth "re-negotiating" ...
what are hubbies alternatives? could he get a ride when you have a "short week"? or, could you drop him off somewhere during the "short week"?
if hubbies training is over in "the next few weeks", i don't think re-negotiating is worth either the risk or the hassle ... just let it go and quit stressing over it ...

in "re-negotiating", you have to be prepared to damage the original deal ... if this person gets pissed off, they might not drive you anymore ... only you can measure what the "reduced rate" would be worth to you ...

it certainly highlights the importance of planning for variations when you first "negotiate an arrangement" ... you don't need to be a lawyer or an accountant but it certainly helps if you think through the possibilities up front and don't assume the other party has the same set of values that you have ...

and finally, my two cents on the right and wrong of it, not the legal interpretation, is that you shouldn't have to pay for a service you're not receiving ... the other person is being unreasonable even if that was the original deal ... so, i think you're right to not expect to pay the $10 in a short week but it doesn't sound like you should push the issue ...

[OldLeftieLawyer]

21. My two cents worth

You know, there's right and wrong in legal observations, as well. I take issue with your characterizing the "legal interpretation" as anything but moral. Right and wrong is all there is, only it might not fit your definitions of right and wrong.

It wasn't that she was paying for a service she wasn't receiving.

It was that she had made a deal, with specific terms, and it wasn't a deal with a friend (those are easily renegotiated). It was with someone with whom she was dealing, as we say, at arm's length, and, after the deal was inaugurated, she wanted to change the terms unilaterally.

The service had nothing to do with anything. It was about the promise to pay.

[welshTerrier2]

27. nope ... not what i said ...

here's exactly what i wrote:

and finally, my two cents on the right and wrong of it, not the legal interpretation, is that you shouldn't have to pay for a service you're not receiving"

and exactly what you wrote:

I take issue with your characterizing the "legal interpretation" as anything but moral.

what i meant by the phrase i used, contrary to your interpretation of it, was that i was evaluating the situation based solely on "my personal values" rather than my perception (i'm not a lawyer) of what the law might or might not be ... i did not characterize the legal interpretation as NECESSARILY BEING OUTSIDE (i.e. not inclusive of) my personal views on right and wrong ...

are we a little sensitive about a perceived hostility to lawyers ??? no offense was intended ...

btw, legally, from what little i do know about the law, i agree that there's a binding contract here ... do we not have a clear offer and acceptance? still, i was hoping this could be settled out of court ...

[OldLeftieLawyer]

28. Let me clarify

As a novelist and lawyer, language is the coin of my realm, so this matters.

When you juxtapose "... the right and wrong of it" against "... the legal interpretation," you're automatically comparing the two concepts, and what bothered me was that your comparison put the legal concept squarely on the side of amoral, or even immoral, in that your juxtaposition implied that the legal interpretation had neither right nor wrong.

If you read further in my post, you'll see that I also wrote something about "right and wrong is all there is," or something like that, addressing how the matter of jurisprudence has evolved.

I also understand that no offense was intended, and I sure hope you're not put off by my pursuit of the topic. But, clarity matters to me.

Just so we understand each other. I lose heart everytime someone sees the legal profession as outside the realm of right and wrong.

[welshTerrier2]

29. ah, the coin of your realm ...

first you offer your "two cents" and now you offer the "coin of your realm" ... i see you deal in currencies both great and small ...

i am totally amused by our difference of opinion here and take absolutely no offense at all ... i wish more people valued language and appreciated discourse at this level ... most people cannot be bothered and yet, if we don't strengthen our ability to communicate clearly, the ideas we so passionately fight for are likely to be diminished in transmission ...

a comment about lawyers ... i'm surrounded by them ... everytime i get into a debate over an issue with my sister-in-law (a lawyer), she loves to point out that "my values of what's right and wrong are not relevant, you have to apply the law" ... her point, which is of course the polar opposite of yours, is that there certainly can be a difference between one's subjective value system and the values embodied in the law ...

your "juxtapose" analysis ignores the subject of the sentence ... the subject of the sentence was "my two cents" ... i was stating that i was making a personal value judgment based on my personal code of right and wrong, which, IN THIS CASE, does conflict with my understanding (such as it is) of the law ... i see no basis to assume from the wording that my intent was to apply this "juxtaposition" to all personal value judgments and all legal interpretations ...

i don't see the legal profession as outside the realm of right and wrong ... sometimes i see a law as right (i.e. it complies with my personal values) and sometimes i don't ... but every law must, by definition, be seen in the realm of right and wrong ... the point i was making, your interpretation of it notwithstanding, was that there is a difference between an individual's (in this case me) subjective values and what the law says ... the two may or may not agree ... there are 2 different "interpreters" ... one is the individual and one is the law ... your inference that i was suggesting by my sentence structure that i implied the two were ALWAYS exclusive of each other is not something i can read into my sentence (and i've really tried) ...

i'm not clear of exactly what you meant when you said "right and wrong is all there is" in this sentence: "Right and wrong is all there is, only it might not fit your definitions of right and wrong." Is your point that because it's in the law, right and wrong have already been adjudicated? Perhaps i'm not understanding this point ... if that is what you meant, i disagree ... i realize you've allowed for a subjective assessment of the law by individuals (i.e. "your definition of right and wrong") but i see no reason to necessarily ascribe a higher value on the interpretation of right and wrong by the state than by an individual ... for example, a state might allow use of the death penalty and I might disagree with it ... whether it's in the law or not doesn't necessarily determine which party is right or wrong ... it might in a court of law; it doesn't necessarily in the court of public opinion ... take another example ... laws are often overturned by the courts or by subsequent legislation ... the fact that it had been the law doesn't give it any higher value ... but again, perhaps i've misunderstood what you meant ...

[OldLeftieLawyer]

30. Surrounded by lawyers?

Really. So?

Your sister-in-law has probably had less experience than I've had, and, in time, she'll shake that way of thinking - I hope - and come to understand and embrace the humanity of the law.

My explanation (it wasn't an analysis, simply a clarification so that you'd see what I was talking about) did not ignore the subject of your sentence; in fact, your sentence left me with the impression that you were stating an absolute - right and wrong v. legal interpretation. Hence, the subject was irrelevant, since your gloss was now the subject.

See how things move along?

Subjective does not necessarily preclude, and, when you skip down to what I wrote - again - "right and wrong is all there is" - you'll see that I was saying precisely that to you in different words - that your subjective take on anything might or might not jibe with the law's final word on the matter.


You use ellipses in a way that makes it awfully hard to read, and even harder to understand, so I'll let you go now, and thank you for a charming exchange.

[bloom]

47. I agree with you that just because someone is a lawyer

does not mean it's "their way or the highway". Many lawyers and judges have been known to disagree.

And besides that - just to make a point - not everyone on this board advertises that they are a lawyer in their moniker. While it can be nice to know in some situations - it does not necessarily give someone some automatic upperhand. (Which is more or less what I think you were saying).

[miss_kitty]

19. Give her the $10 a week if she only drives you once

But never buy her treats again. Like OLL said-you said $10 a week. Next time, throw in the pro-rated option at the beginning.

:)

[SOteric]

22. Good Lord, you're not her employer.

You're a classmate, you need her help, you're compensating her fairly and it's not a great burden on her route or routine.

None of that will make a difference though, she thinks about it the way she does.

Don't find any reasons to share a ride or a few bucks with her in the future.

[Lisa]

23. I think you are being "taken for a ride", a bit ...

... but unfortunately, it looks like you're stuck with the situation. As the lawyer said, it's a contract (even if it wasn't written down), and if the other party is ready to nitpick at this stage, it's possible that she might even start thinking about small claims court if you back out now! And as for being friends, well -- looking at how many lawsuits get filed by friends (or family) against each other ... alas, that doesn't protect one from these situations.

I totally sympathize, because I suspect that we have a lot in common -- my guess is that you're the person who leaves out candy or cookies in the office, or willingly chips in for a birthday gift for a complete stranger! And out of the goodness of your heart, you offered money for something which some people would do for free ... and, well, you know what they say about no good deed going unpunished.

If you have the cash at hand, consider paying her the sum for the agreed-upon period in advance -- for that number of weeks, and no more. (As the others said, it's a pity it wasn't per ride rather than per week, but chalk this one up to experience.) If you told her at the start that you would only need the ride while your husband is in class, this gives you a safe "out" so she can't extend the period for the rest of the term! A one-time payment would mean you wouldn't have a weekly hassle with her -- and also make the agreement more formal. (The upside of that is, she couldn't expect treats and presents from you, which might end up costing you as much as the ride.)

Added together like that, it might seem like a lot, but there's a mental threshold with larger sums of money that can shock people into behaving. A co-worker used to borrow change for the vending machines from me all the time, until I came in one day with $40 in (rolled) coins in a jar, and told him "keep this on your desk and it should last for the rest of the year". He paid me that, plus the other $50 or $60 he owed, before the end of the week. And I just had an incident last term with a student who was complaining about paying his share of the photocopying costs for his study group. The other students complained that his griping was driving them up the wall -- one girl was almost in tears, after he accused her of "writing longer summaries than necessary" just to inconvenience him -- and finally I walked over to him at the end of the class, handed him $20 without saying anything, and left the room. His classmates reported that he was entirely cooperative after that. (I found out from a colleague that I'd gotten off easy with my $20 "bribe", since apparently the guy has a reputation as a troublemaker who can work the system, and has gotten other instructors called into the Dean's office.)

Whether she really needs the money, or just thinks she does, you'd be taking the high road. If she's fretting about rent or bills, a lump advance payment lets you off the hook (and she can't ask you for an "early" payment because her kid has a class photo next week and they need the cash now, etc. -- something which I bet would happen eventually). There's a quaint old-fashioned belief that poverty makes you more noble, but from what I've seen it's balderdash. A lot of people get more desperate, unscrupulous, and ready to take advantage -- it's a totally human response, and if she is too stressed out to see it, that may be a good thing because she might be pretty embarrassed if she did.

Good luck, Heddi. And remember -- no more treats and presents for her -- if she asks, tell her you haven't got the cash right now!

[OldLeftieLawyer]

35. I don't understand

Why the repeated admonishments to Heddi not to be nice to the woman who's driving her?

Sounds really punitive to me.

After all, we don't even know how far the school is, or what hardship this places on the woman driving, or the shape of her car, or anything else about her.

What's wrong with Heddi being nice to someone?

Did anyone ever stop to consider the driver's point of view? That deal, as made (and, yes, contracts can be oral or verbal) might have meant ten bucks that let her see the light of day, financially speaking. So, if she was relying on it, and Heddi suddenly changed the terms of the deal, can you understand her being upset?

I find this meanness of spirit more bluenose than generous, and that's a sad surprise.

[Lisa]

37. you can be nice without buying stuff!

Since Heddi implied that she regretted having purchased coffee and cigarettes, I assumed that this was a bit of an issue for her. If she lives up to her obligation (and in fact, if she goes out of her way by paying in advance), I don't see how this (not buying extras) could be construed as a slight.

I'm actually agreeing with your earlier posts -- and yes, I did consider that the other party might be experiencing hardship. I've been there myself and I know that it can affect any transactions made with friends and associates. Being in a situation where you HAVE to grudge every penny, and hope for everything that you can get, can be very embarrassing. To clarify things, to me, "being nice" means being polite, exchanging compliments and information, etc. -- it's not synonymous with gift-giving.


p.s. I've found that gifts are only enjoyable (for the giver and the recipient) if they're unexpected. It's a lot less fun if they're either expected -- or the giver feels unhappy about them afterwards. My suggestion was made in the hope that it would help avoid guilty or resentful feelings. I'm sorry if you thought that I was being malicious. I didn't intend it that way.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

39. Bless your heart, child

You restoreth my faith, and for that, I thank you.

This is the essence of why doctors and lawyers never treat or take on family members (and, in my case, friends) as patients or clients. Something bad happens when money and obligations are introduced into a friendship.

Thank you for clearing it up for me, Lisa, and thank you for helping me to keep on believing ..................

[Lisa]

42. I feel the same way about plumbers, artists, and farmers, OLL ...

I try to avoid mixing friendships with goods and services, for the reasons you mentioned -- I prefer to contract (yes!) with someone who's an acquaintance, at best.

Plus -- the "extras" not originally included can sure cause problems, can't they! I remember a time in our office when several people who enjoyed baking would take turns bringing treats for everyone. Eventually the higher-ups decided that this needed to continue, and began to assign this task to the junior people in the office. So what had begun as "fun" and "sharing" became a much-loathed "duty". The treats are now almost entirely store-bought, and provided with reluctance, which saddens me because (as you point out) Something Bad did happen. It would probably be best if we didn't have refreshments at all, but we haven't figured out how to persuade the office to discontinue them.


p.s. I am assuming that in Heddi's case, she's not going to ask her classmate to pull into a nearby drive-through, order a large coffee and pastry for herself, and sit there enjoying them, making satisfied noises, while the other person has nothing. (Ignoring the fact that many jurisdictions frown on people eating and drinking while driving, of course.) From what I've read from Heddi in previous posts, I don't think she'd be so naughty!

[amazona]

38. are you just playing devil's advocate...?

...It is difficult for me to believe that you honestly don't see that the woman is being a drama queen.

She starts screaming about how she needs five more bucks because her rent is due and she has to buy food and...and...and...! Whoa, nelly. You know what? If she didn't give Heddi a ride, she would still have to pay rent and eat food.

This driver is not a friend. She is a drama queen. It would be better if Heddi could cut the cord and not speak to or deal with her at all.

But, since she is in a position of dependency, she is going to have to dance to the drama queen's tune. And trust me on this -- there will be more hustling for money, more screaming. More drama.

It is just a bad situation the way I read it.

I have never once solved a problem with a drama queen by being nice. Not once. Nice is weak. Heddi is and will continue to be victimized as long as she is dependent on this woman. She already paid the extra $5 this week. Next week there will be more hustling, more "borrowing" for coffee and cigarettes, and if Heddi happens to have an empty pocket one morning, I guarantee you that there will be another temper tantrum.

You honestly don't see this?

I hate to be so negative but I would be very, very surprised if my prediction was wrong.

Time will tell.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[OldLeftieLawyer]

40. Since you're not there, and......

.......since Heddi said she "got pissy," which is hardly the same as your characterization of "screaming."

Listen, it's really easy for you to call someone a name when you've got no idea of what five dollars means to her. I'm not about to condemn someone with a glib and meanspirited (and inaccurate) name like "drama queen" when I have no idea what her financial situation is.

What you call "hustling for money" is what I call "holding someone to what they promised." It's only fair when people deal with each other to be fair.

So much of what you posted - your nasty and depressingly negative predictions - doesn't bear answering.

[sandnsea]

25. What I'm hearing you say

Sorry if I'm wrong, but this is what I'm hearing you say:

"I'm a real pushover and I'm scared to death this woman is going to become more and more unreasonable and I'm going to keep giving in. This is going to be a real problem because I'm eating mac 'n cheese every night as it is. How do I let her know that $10 a week is my firm boundary without losing my ride?"

If this is the problem, I would have to tell you I've got no feakin' idea. I don't know how to deal with situations like this either.

[cally]

26. If someone offered me $10 per week

I would assume that meant both short and long weeks. I would get less per ride for the long weeks and more per ride for the short weeks. I would assume it would balance out and that your offer intended that. I would pay the $10/week and not buy other incidentals. If you can find a better ride, then do it.

On edit: I've never accepted payment for a ride. Occasionally, I've accepted some gas money. I would just take you for free.

[bloom]

45. If someone offered me $10/week

I would expect less for 2 day weeks. (I sure wouldn't think anything about $5 for 2 days).

For something that seems as informal as this.



Wow - next time - I guess you'll need it all written up - huh? :eyes: :crazy: :eyes:

[Bok_Tukalo]

31. Seems to be basic supply and demand

She has the supply and is in the position to demand.

I agree with you. Common sense and reasonable adults would understand the situation and agree that a short week does not equal a long week. Anytime anyone has to rely on "legal" style arguments, you are probably getting screwed. After all, if people were reasonable, "lawyer" would be a pejorative.

Regardless, just consider it a $5 lesson learned and give her the money. More motivation (as if you needed any more) to complete school.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

36. You should know this

In my law firm, in the galley, there is a large sign.

It says:

"Stupidity has been very, very good to us."

It really has.

[Bok_Tukalo]

41. I don't doubt it

Seeing a lawyer should fill anyone with the same dread as being forced to see a mortician.

[amazona]

32. well the thing is she is no longer a friend

Once you introduced money into the equation, you changed the relationship from that of friend to that of customer and cab driver. I don't think $10 a week is all that much for the service in question, so I'd pay it, but I wouldn't honestly continue to tell myself or anyone else that "I like her as a friend." Because she ain't a friend. The relationship has been spoiled by money and the temper tantrum she threw over the $5.

When I've driven car-less friends, I haven't taken money from their hand. Instead I've let them gas up the car once in awhile. But what's done is done.

I understand why you're really upset. She's really acting like a user, and you are helpless, because you are dependent on her. But I don't see what choice you have. Pay her or pay another cabbie. With the cigarettes, snacks, and other "gratuities" she's hustling, you'd probably do just as well to hire a real professional. That or drop the class if it isn't too late. Although in a similar situation I just let my partner drop me off at 5:30 in the morning. Getting up earlier is easier than being dependent on someone who is going to constantly hustle me for more money. But also I'm pretty good at being able to sit down anywhere and study, even on the floor if no library or cafe is open yet. I realize not everyone is flexible enough physically to be able to do that.

But, sure, your instinct is correct. This is no friend. You may just have to put a fake mask on it for a little while longer though...


On Edit-- and for the love of Pete, do NOT follow the advice to pay for all the weeks in advance in a lump sum. That is a sure way to be out the money AND out the rides when you are dealing with a drama queen. Please listen to the voice of experience here if you listen to nothing else I've said.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[ScreamingMeemie]

43. She had the kids, and the rent and all that before she was driving

you, right? How has anything changed?

I'd give her the money...forget the cigarettes and coffee ever again. Then I would bite my lip to keep from saying something snarky about the high cost of smokes in relationship to money responsibilities at home. :hi: Good luck.

On edit: I cannot believe she accepted the money offer being a friend of yours. I would have taken you for free.

[sendero]

44. You are being completely reasonable...

... but there is a time for going beyond being "reasonable".

This looks like one of them to me :)

[Heddi]

46. so you're saying

I should kill her ?

:)

[Lisa]

48. does this mean I have to take back my comment in post #42 ...

... about your not being naughty?

[sendero]

51. Not exactly...

... I'm sure you'll figure it out :)

[Misunderestimator]

49. I can see your quandary... you, as a generous person, cannot

understand the mentality of someone who would take advantage of you... and that is what she is doing. Budget that $10 and give it to her no matter how many trips, but don't go paying for her coffee and cigarettes, or you will just keep resenting it... and she will just keep using you.

You need the ride, seems like you have no choice but to swallow your own nature, which tries to put you in her position and understand her motivation... that's impossible. Consider the $10 a weekly fee, which is much cheaper than paying for a cab, probably even once.

(All that said, you're right to question why she is doing what she is doing, but you won't ever understand it.)

[mondo joe]

50. Stop buying her coffee and cigs!

It's too bad you didn't more clearly sort out your terms with her beforehand, but you didn't so nothing to be done about it now.

While I understand the desire to clarify the terms now, I think the practical demand is for the ride, almost no matter what.

Look at how many short weeks you anticipate - if there are many more full weeks it might be worth the $10 a week no matter what. Annd I say that as someone who often depends on others or public transportation.

But if that's what you do, for goodness sakes stop buying her extras.

If you stop buying coffee and cigs for her your expenses might just balance out anyway.