I'm feeling down... tell me a joke

[Amaya]

cheer my ass up, please....

[Sydnie]

1. I have A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there
is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the
car. I put my car keys down on the table, throw the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So I decide to
put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I
think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash
anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my
checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally
knock it over. I notice that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered. So I set the Coke down on the
counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning. I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water those flowers. So I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill
a container with water, and that's when I spot the TV remote. Someone left
it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I
splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I
set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is
a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't dying, there
is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't
find my glasses, and I don't remember what the hell I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, and I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

--------

Now, don't you feel better? :)

[Amaya]

4. Strangely, I feel worse

LOL

thanks:)

[david_vincent]

2. Just your ass, or the rest of you too?

[Amaya]

7. Just my ass, thank you

my ass is down:(

[bunk76]

3. Two female potatoes.....

are hanging out on the corner,how do you tell which one is the working girl?



The one with the Ida Ho sticker.

[brainshrub]

9. Bad DUer... bad!!!!

:spank:

[RandomKoolzip]

5. Have you heard this one yet?

Two muffins are sitting in an oven set at 350 degrees.

One muffin turns to the other and asks, "Is it hot in here or what?"

The other muffin says, "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"

[progmom]

8. that one made me laugh out loud!

you rock, RKZ!

[RandomKoolzip]

12. Thanks. That joke has cheered up my wife before, so I thought I'd use

it.

[Amaya]

13. A talking muffin is just what I needed

:D

[RandomKoolzip]

15. Sweet!

I was gonna post the one about the republican, the democrat, and the preist on an airplane, but I figured we all needed a break from politics for bit.

Glad you liked it.

[Martin Eden]

6. The Post Turtle

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

[Maestro]

10. Go here

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=283x119

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

11. George Bush is a great president...FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.triumphtheinsultcomicdog.com/

[Amaya]

17. The Poop dog always makes me happy

Thank you :)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

32. You're welcome. Glad I could cheer ya' up. I'm pretty bummed, too.

[Martin Eden]

14. No Pun Intended

1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during
a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up
shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what?
(Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[DIKB]

18. YES !!!!

I LOVE em !!!

[Amaya]

21. HAHAHAHA!

Thank you, just what I needed. hahahaha :D

[El Supremo]

16. Is God male or female?

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers anyway, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

[DIKB]

19. In need of a smaller card.

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[BiteMeDotCom]

20. What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

[intheflow]

22. OK

Walking Eagle

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona.

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[DIKB]

23. Going Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let’s get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Zomby Woof]

24. Well, I already told the Chattanooga ChooChoo one

(Cat that chewed your new shoes)... And it went over everyone's head, so I have nothing!

Except a ZombyHug. :hug:

[Amaya]

26. Your ZombyHug is accepted

and always welcome. Brake a leg, babe :hug:

[jus_the_facts]

25. How do you make a kleenex dance.......

....put a little boogie in it! :D


Oh and what's silent and smells like worms....? Bird FARTS!! :7

[Amaya]

28. Ewwwww......

i'll save those for my son, he'll enjoy them. :)

[jus_the_facts]

30. Both of those came from the movie Bicentennial Man.....

....hope you feel better soon! :hi:

[Zomby Woof]

31. my favorite joke in that movie

"What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?"

"Make me one with everything".

[jus_the_facts]

33. LMAO....I love that movie.....

:D

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

27. What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[Doctor_J]

29. Why do Scotmen wear kilts?

because sheep can hear zippers from 5 paces away.

There is a new Scotish version of the Rolling Stones. Their hit song is called "Hey, MacLeod, Get Off Of My Ewe".

There's nothing like ethnic humor.

[Zorro]

34. Welcome to the congregation

Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[texas1928]

35. Two Blondes walk into a building....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You would think between the two of them one of them would have seen it.


Side note: My wife just hit me for the joke.