How do I help my son?

[prozacnation]

This is probably going to end up being a novel and I apologize in advance, but I need advice My son is 11 and he has always been shy, very sensitive and a little on the husky side. Did I mention he's also on the short side? He has a hard time making new friends because of how shy he is. He had a terrific best friend of several years but we moved away from him.

Anyway, since this past summer and leading to the start of 6th grade things have been very bad. It started with stomach aches, crying bouts, severe anxiety attacks, etc. He didn't want to start middle school and was very nervous. Granted the middle school he attended was huge and overwhelming but the other kids managed okay. Not my son, he started throwing up on a daily basis, more anxiety attacks, etc. He wouldn't go to school and when we got him there he would miss class to throw up, etc. It got to the point that we had to pull him from school, medicate him and place him on medical homeschooling. A teacher came to our house every day for an hour and worked with him. Of course this wasn't a long term solution. We found our son a good counselor who learned that he had been harassed at the middle school. He felt helpless and terrified, especially with no back up (since he doesn't have any real friends). I don't think the incidents that occurred were truly horrible but to him they were.

Okay, if you are still with me thanks. After a few weeks of counseling and meds we all came up with a plan to put him into a smaller private school to start over. He would not go back to the public school and his counselor recommended the change. Of course his counselor doesn't have to pay the damn tuition but that's a whole other tale of woe.


Moving on... we enrolled our son in a private school and hoped for the best. We talked to the administrators who assured us that their school was better and their students didn't act like that, etc. Did I mention it's a Christian school? Not sure how relevant that is except I had hoped for more Christian like behavior from the other kids. Crazy, I know. In any event, fast forward about a month to tonight. I thought things were going okay not great but okay. My son had the melt down of all melt downs. Once again, out of the blue he started sobbing like his world just fell apart. The type of crying I did when my Mom died, heart wrenching sobs. He said he doesn't want to go to school because he is being teased. One kid in his class calls him names like friar fatty, piggy, etc and all the other kids laugh. During recess I guess there are like 10 or 11 other boys who like to tease him and taunt him. I don't think they gang up on him or anything they just like to tease him as he is playing.

I tried to reassure him in a million different ways that he is not what other people say he is. I told him that kids his age can really suck. I gave him some cute come backs and told him that he has to toughen up and stand up for himself. As long as the other kids see him as a victim then he will be one. I don't know how much sunk in and I don't know what to do next. Do I tell him to beat the crap out of someone? That doesn't seem right, does it? Do I yell at the principal at his school? Do I tell my son to get over it and that life is tough?

I love my son and I don't want him to suffer. How do my husband and I teach him to be a man and still protect him like we want to? This just sucks on so many levels. He is a good and sweet kid. I know he is going to find his way if he can just get past middle school. Any advice or thoughts?

[EC]

1. What about home schooling?

Does your state have a home school program through computers? Did he enjoy his prior homeschooling experiance? I don't see why this couldn't be a long term remedy...at least until he gets taller and has a less rotund appearance, or until the "playground" kids get a bit older and learn some manners...

[prozacnation]

6. I thought about that..

I'm not convinced that homeschooling would be the best answer. His counselor thinks that it would be allowing him to give into his fears. He would learn that the world is so scarey that Mommy has to keep him home. He wouldn't face his fears and get past them. I don't know if I agree or not. On top of that I do have two other school age children that I have to think about.

[Lenape85]

2. Sigh, as a former bullied person, I must unfortunately say this....

...high school is always going to be hell. I didn't do well in public school because my social skills were below par, and then I get transferred into a special ed school, and it was even worse.

I'm sorry if this seems like extremely tough news to handle, but I have known nothing but teasing and maltreatment during my high school years. When I left high school, it felt as if my high school years were wasted.

It's a bitter pill, but I can understand your son's plight, for this is pretty much all I have known, bullying.

[WindRavenX]

3. Ugh...I remember those days

My first question is this: does your son know the names of his attackers? If yes, that would make going to the principal with the names of his harassers a lot more powerful- these kids should be expelled for the repeated bullying of your son.
I would focus on getting these bullies away from your son by having the school authorities step in. With this, I think school will be a lot easier (though not pain-free) for your son.
Good luck! :hi:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

5. Exactly .

Tell your son to report his attackers . There are strict rules in schools these days against bullying . Not only would your son help himself , he would be helping other kids who are getting bullied as well .

[prozacnation]

9. He knows the name of a few of them

I know that every school says they have strong policies about bullying. Do they really? Of course I will be going to speak to the principal and give her the names of the boys. What she will do with them I have no idea. I just don't know if naming them will make it worse or better.

[WindRavenX]

11. it WILL make it better

Most schools have a ZERO tollerance policy on bullying; seeing as how your son has been victimized multiple times, the punishment handed down by the school can be expected to be extremely harsh. Should the bullying (god forbid) continue, and it being a private school, you should consider legal action against the school and/or the bullies themselves.
Your son has a right to a harassment-free education.
on edit: be sure to keep note of when you go to the school to address this- if they refuse to address your son's concern, and you take legal action, this will help your case.
Again, good luck, and :hug: to you and your son.

[prozacnation]

13. Thank you

Thanks, I've been so emotional all night that I forgot about my son's legal rights. I will keep records on every conversation that I have with the school. Thank you for your kind words.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

4. I went through the exact same things .

I was also teased a lot while I was in the 6th grade . This is where my anxiety / panic attacks started happening . I did not want to go to school ( nor did I want stay home - so I commend you for actually caring about your child . ) I also cried every morning at the bus stop . I did whatever I could to stay out of school - but I could stay out forever . Sadly your son is going to have to learn how to ignore it . When all of my teasing was going on , luckily I was able to escape into a world of music . And this also built up my confidence . I was very shy and sensitive ( I still am ) and music is what has helped me throughout my life through my battles . But you are going to have to make your child realize that the things the other children are saying are not true . Tell him that they are idiots , because they are . Tell him that while they are so busy picking on him , they are missing out on everything that is good in life . You can still protect him because that is your child . Please let your child know that you are there for him whenever he needs to talk to and that he does not have to go through the teasing alone . Have you told his teachers ? They should be aware of what is going on too . I also think that you should not have your child avoid this because this could turn into agoraphobia ( fear of public places ) down the road . I wish your son the best and give him a hug for me :hug:

[RadicalMom]

18. My experiences sound very similar to yours, and music happened

to be my salvation. I ended up performing regularly at anything I could (with my friend) and before long, had almost a fan club. I had been relentlessly persecuted until I went to middle school and started performing. My daughter tells me that her middle school has the same no tolerance of bullying, and they bring the offenders and their parents in about these things. It usually stops it. The other thing at her school is that if she or her friends see the sixth graders ganging up on another one, they, the eigth graders, immediately give the bullies hell, no matter the sex. They also report it to the closest adult authority right away. This usually makes a huge difference. They are encouraged to do this. They usually try to keep an eye out for the victims for a long time after.

I really don't like the home schooling approach, due to the fact that my nephew is being homeschooled for that reason. They have moved out of their state(a red one as it happens), and unfortunately weren't even willing to try the new school (blue state). They don't want to subject him to even the possibility of having to cope with this or any other school problem. The boy is a bright normal child, who has absolutely no friends, no physical outlets, and is becoming a person who does not know how to relate to kids even close to hia age, now 14. It's tragic, and they don't realize it. My daughter wants to rescue him.

[shraby]

7. Is there anything he is interested in or

fairly good at doing? If you can help him develop any skill he is interested in, maybe you can find some like minded children his age and form a group. Maybe working with a small group on a project might give him a little confidence in himself as well as form some friendships.
He doesn't even have to really be good at anything, just an interest in something. You can work with his teachers to find a couple of like minded children and go from there.

[prozacnation]

12. Can I start a hockey team?

He loves hockey and is learning to skate. He would love to join a team when he is a better skater. There is a local league he can try out for.

Other then that he loves video games, soccer, his ipod, his computer, riding his bike and torturing his sisters. Anyone know any other 11 year olds who like those things?

[shraby]

14. Invite some kids over for

soccer when the weather permits. See if there is an impromptu hockey team or group around and join, or if there is an ice rink he can go to with his stick.
Lots of kids like computers and video games, invite a couple over to play with him.
See if there are any he would like to have over to your house, perferably ones who live close and can drop in from time to time on their own. After they've been there once, they'll probably come back.

[RadicalMom]

21. Do it! At least get him involved in something like that, that he loves.

Also, my daughter has made close to 200 friends , who are local kids, via the Instant Messenger (AIM) and MySpace message sites. All it took was one or two frends who started IMing each other, and before you knew it, it mushroomed. The thing she especially like about it is getting to know people without even knowing what they look like till they chose to share a picture. By the time they meet, they are already good friends, or they wouldn't go out of their way to meet each other. She used to be shy, but is the opposite now. It has recently grown to about 400 people on her "Buddy List." The weight problem and the height can change, but it shouldn't HAVE to matter to have friends. I also speak from a lot of personal experience growing up.

[The Traveler]

8. Several thoughts

First. Social anxiety disorder is a real thing, and if caused by brain chemistry imbalances no amount of positive experience can overcome it. Have that checked out.

Second. Beware of Doctors prescribing quick fixes. Before drugging your child, get more than one opinion on the matter. Three at least. While anxiety disorder is a real possibility here, Doctors are too quick these days to prescribe drugs to remedy these issues.

Third. Regardless of the answer, find a good sinsei (martial arts master) and enroll the child immediately. Most martial arts instructors are quite used to dealing with children with self esteem issues. With improved physical conditioning and acquisition of skill and grace comes an improved image of self. Other students are required by a good sinsei to be supportive and respectful. The dojo (place of learning) is when properly implemented a nuturing and safe place that provides constructive relationships.

A good sinsei will help your child learn to defuse potentially violent situations as well as cope with them when violence cannot be avoided.

[prozacnation]

10. Good ideas

Unfortunately, I fear my son takes after me. I suffer from mild depression and anxiety (but for different reasons and in different situations). We got opinions from two doctors before medicating him. At the time it seemed like we were going to have to medicate him or hospitalize him. He honestly scared me because he was so sad and anxious. We will of course reevaluate the meds often. We would love to take him off and see how he does but the doctors would like him to be stable for 6 months to a year first. So far we haven't hit that but he has have gotten much better (until tonight).

He is in a martial arts class but I don't think it's the best one for him. We will be looking for another school immediately, perhaps private lessons for a while to build him up. He is an orange belt and he is definitely a strong young man.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[hfojvt]

17. it makes no sense to allow yourself to be picked on

if you are strong enough to fight back. I was about the 2nd smallest kid in my class by weight, but I did not get picked on alot. I would not have stood for it. It is basic morals that most understand "do not mess with me and I will not mess with you" and "if you do mess with me, I will see that you regret it."
Of course, I was protected mostly from verbal abuse because of my arrogance. I had adult and teacher approval and really did not give a rat's ass what my peers thought about me. Then again, I had some friends from little league, cub scouts, and church and also the neighborhood.

[gonefishing]

22. We had to shop around on a school

We pulled him out of two different schools. On the third one I interviewed the owner and asked a lot of questions. I was not looking for a school that just focused on exercise and strength. I was looking for one that focused on leadership.

[The Traveler]

55. May I ask what style he is studying?

May I recommend Shaolin Do Kung Fu, Tai Chi or perhaps Akido? Instructors in these styles tend to be as concerned about healthy emotional and mental development as acquisition of technique. In fact, the techniques are viewed as the means by which the nervous system may be retrained at a deep level.

But more important than a particular style is the student/instructor connection. Schools that prepare for students for competition as opposed to developing life tools suffer in that regard, methinks.

[MADem]

15. Get that kid to a doctor

...a dietician, specifically. Go out and buy him DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION (and an X box, if you don't have one yet...oh, and the dance pad that 'goes with'--spend the money, it's worth it) and have him dance in his room for an hour a day. Take him to the Y for swimming, go for walks, snowshoeing, sledding, skiing, get him out and moving. Fresh fruit and veg, lots of exercise.

He's being bullied because of his weight--he needs to lose the weight...that means portion control, diet, and exercise. It's a family affair, too, so kiss the Pringles goodbye! You could send him to fat camp, and maybe he would actually like that--there are a ton (pun intended) of kids there in the same boat, they can help teach him coping strategies, he can learn that he is not alone, and the counsellors at some of those places are pretty good--do some research, find a good one. Also, I assume you have taken him to an endocrinologist and ruled out any medical issues, such as an underactive thyroid, that are causing his obesity.

For those who say "awww, just accept him how he is" I say bullshit. I have a loved one in my family, about the same age, who is dealing with the EXACT same crap. He's a handsome, beefy lad, and a toughie who can give it as good as take it, but his feelings are hurt by the cruel remarks of the asshat children--I see it in his face, though he handles it better than your child, on the outside, anyway. For the past six months, he's been on a diet, he's moving his ass, and he's losing the weight--one to two pounds a week, a lot of reeducation because his parents bought shit groceries for years and never told the kid to stay the hell out of the fridge. His mother, lord love the gal, takes the kid out walking every single day. The benefit is that she has lost a lot, too, and is looking good.

Is there a Catholic school nearby? Go talk to the principal, if there is one near you, explain the situation and ask them if they could keep a quiet eye on the kid. If you get a good feeling, ENROLL HIM. If you don't want the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine lessons, you can skip them (they go to study hall instead)--hell, half the kids in Catholic school aren't Catholic, anyway! And you won't have to worry about pervert priests, most of the teachers are regular people, they don't even have a hefty supply of nuns any more. What they DO have, though, is a slightly more disciplined structure than public schools, and school uniforms, which makes life easier for everyone, as everyone looks alike. And the education is first rate.

Telling the kid to get over it and toughen up won't help. You need to work with him to effect this change. He probably eats when he feels bad, that sure isn't helping the situation. And you can't be yelling at him for eating, either--you simply must remove temptation and get the whole family onboard. Yeah, it is a tough adjustment, but you can do it. No cookies, no sugary cereals, no partially hydrogenated shit, no butter, and absolutely NOTHING with high fructose corn syrup in it--that shit is POISON and is the single biggest reason for obesity in America. Read labels, make from scratch (crock pot if you are busy, do it in the AM, ready at night), and salad--lotsa salad (skip the dressing, go with lemon, salt, a driblet of olive oil if you must).

One other thing--is there a family history of obesity? I know some kids go through the baby fat-growth spurt, baby fat-growth spurt cycles, and then they grow up and are a normal weight. If there are some hefty branches on the family tree, he is just going to have to factor diet and excercise into his lifestyle at a greater level than the average kid, now and forever. He needs to find physical activities that he likes, and do them religiously.

I wish you luck, it's tough on kids, and classmates can be very cruel indeed. You are a good parent, you can help your child through this.

[prozacnation]

38. Thanks for the tough love

You make some excellent points, thank you. My son is definitely not obese, but we could all do better with our diet and exercise.

[alittlelark]

49. His genetics are determining his build

He appears to be fat, but a lot of it is illusion, as he has a barrel chest. He could lose some weight, but not much.

PS, prozacnation is my Sister in law.

[Behind the Aegis]

16. thoughts from the childless

I have no children, but I have worked with college age students. I have counseled some students and was also bullied in school. So, here are a few thoughts from me.

Don't "tell son to get over it and that life is tough." Instead, explain that some people, in order to make themselves feel better, demean and belittle others. He does NOT have to stand for that abuse! He is being responsible by telling you, encourage that behavior, but also explain that he may want to inform other adults (teachers).

Teach him how to stand up for himself in an appropriate way. Make sure he knows never to place himself in a dangerous situation.

Praise him for things he excels in (except that beating up sister thing...:)). Let him see you are proud of him and reassure him. Trust me, parental acceptance goes a long way!

Keep on the administration and the teachers at the school! Your child should NOT have to endure torture!

Depression may be hereditary. It is still unclear if it is, but you might want to discuss that with his doctors. If you suffer from anxiety and depression, he may learn from you, if you teach him how you deal with it (I am assuming you are seeking help).

Finally, you are already doing this...love him for who he is! That is the most important thing! When I was bullied, I never told my parents because I thought they would think less of me or love me less (so not true, but it was what I thought as a child).

Best wishes!

[LosAngelesDemocrat]

19. venues to give your son friends and the nature of shyness

Try finding after school programs, clubs, or any other place where he can begin to develop friendships. It's amazing what it can do for him and allow him to develop and understand the social skills necessary to deal with the negative side of society. If socializing with his peers is a problem, try putting him with kids that are one or two years younger or teens family members that are in a mentor capacity. Take a systematic approach when it comes to helping him develop his social skills and be creative and positive with this.

I feel for what you are enduring as since I was one of those children also not a long time ago. Just wanted to let you know that there is hope, support, and that at this age it is more likely to cause no serious bearing on his future happiness and prosperity. Shyness is usually stigmatized in this modern media influenced age resulting in us having unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Shyness, rather is a strength when channeled correctly. If you don't know what I mean, please check this website.
http://www.shyandfree.com/">www.shyandfree.com

I wish you and your son well. If you have any other questions please let me know.

[gonefishing]

20. Keep Your Chin Up

When I was about 7 until I was about 13 I was short and over weight. One time on a field trip when I was exactly your son's age the whole bus chanted "my name" is a fatso for about 20 minutes on the ride home. Those years for me were hell. At 13 I started a karate program. I made some great friends, gained some confidence, and lost weight.

I now have a 6 year old and he is in an excellent Tae Kwon Do program. In that program they start each session talking abut life skills (leadership, vision, confidence). My son was shy before the program. Now he is the first to raise his hand when questions are asked. The children in the Tae Kwon Do program are given homework assignments on the life skills subjects.

Keep your chin up. It sounds like your son is very lucky to have you as a parent. As I was reading your post I was trying to remember how I was able to deal with those years and you reminded me that it was mostly because of my parents.

Good luck.

[BBradley]

23. I was a special education student from 5-10th grade.

Being with other students with emotional disabilities helped me greatly when I finally took the plunge into mainstreaming. Even without mainstreaming special education is an option that should be looked into. I personally had personal and group counselling fortnightly. It's a great system, and I personally benefitted from it greatly.

Just an idea.

[WritersBlock]

24. Maybe one of these may have some helpful info, too...

From the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Health Resources and Services Administration, and the Maternal and Child Health Bureau - a site for kids with info for adults as well.

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/

Other sites (from a quick Google - most in Canada & UK)

http://www.bullying.org/public/frameset.cfm

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

http://www.scre.ac.uk/bully/ (Research done in the 90's on bullying at school)

http://www.nobully.org.nz/advicek.htm

http://www.childline.org.uk/Bullying.asp

I wish you good luck in this - nothing hurts more than seeing your child in pain.
:hug:

[Guaranteed]

25. He needs something empowering.

Maybe karate? Another sport might get him into shape, too.

In any case, he needs to defend himself, verbally, and if need be, physically.

He HAS to fight back, somehow. There are many ways to do it, but he needs to respect himself, and show others that he does.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

27. Yeah, that's exactly it.

Those little cretins are predators. They pick off the weakest ones out of the pack. It really is amazing how cowardly they are though. One telling off is all it takes if it is done sincerely.

[SarahB]

28. I agree.

Predators spot weakness, be it physical or emotional. This would really help him feel stronger in both aspects.

[Midlodemocrat]

36. Exactly.

Too many times children are told to 'ignore it' and the bullies will stop. Well, no they won't. My son went through a similar situation. I made a concerted effort to have him invite kids over until he 'clicked' with someone. He also started take TaeKwonDo and playing LaCrosse. Kids who are being bullied are usually embarrassed about it and won't tell until it gets completely unbearable.

My son was being bullied on the bus and the bus driver did nothing to help him, even encouraged the bullying, until one of the kids got brazen enough to say she was going to shoot him. Well, that scared him into telling and that kid was expelled and the bus driver was fired. As a matter of fact, I swore out a warrant against the bus driver and had her arrested and charged with endangering a child.

Empowering your child is the way to go. Make him feel strong, help him get strong and this will go away.

Would you ever consider growth hormones to help with his height? I have a neighbor who did that and it made a world of difference in her son.

Good luck.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

26. words from a fat kid

I was teased in ways similar to your son from the time I moved to a new grade school all the way through high school. I had few friends, and none in high school. What saved me were two gals I had met in grade school. Somehow or other, we kept in touch-started an all girl rock band, just hung out. Somewhere, your son needs to find a friend-this can help him get through what I know from personal experience is a very trying time.

That being said, once one gets through it, one is more sensitive to feelings of others. When I taught school, I would not allow ANY bullying teasing or name calling, and I'd tell the kids why. How it emotionally scars the victims and desensitizes the tormentors. Surely there is at least one teacher somewhere who feels like I do and who would talk to the tormentors about this problem-because the problem isn't with your son, but with the tormentors.

Good luck, and give your son a hug from me-and tell him that he IS a good kid!!!!

[Chalco]

29. My daughter was bullied in first grade by her teacher and the

students. The teacher actually organized the children into picking on her believe it or not. My kid never complained to me but we noticed that other parents started avoiding us and my daughter started writing all over herself. Then, one night a parent called and said the teacher called her and told her that my daughter had pushed her daughter and that she should call us and complain. My husband asked the woman "OK, my daughter pushed your daughter. What did your daughter do just before my daughter did this?" "She tore up her spelling test." Unbelievable. It was then that we knew something really strange was going on. It was December 18th and we took action.

Here's what we did:

1. Changed schools from one public school to another
2. First day met with principal of new school
3. Wrote a letter of complaint to the Superintendent
4. Got my kid in therapy immediately
5. Started highlighting my kids interest in art and writing
6. Even tho I am extremely shy I forced myself to befriend the parent of another child in her class and started asking that kid over to play with my kid.

Results:

1. Change in schools--At first since my daughter was now used to being mistreated she unconciously set up kids to treat her in the same manner. The principal called the first time this happened as I had alerted her to the possibility that this would happen. I then met with the playground aide with my daughter present and worked out new ways of my kid handling the playground scene.
2. Letter of complaint to Superintendent--there was an investigation done. I received a letter of apology from the Superintendent and the teacher was put in a less responsible position.
3. Therapy--my kid was in therapy for 10 months, through the beginning of 2nd grade just to see if the changes she's made would hold into the next grade. They did. She's done remarkably well since.
4. Friendships--making friends with someone in the class and fostering that relationship turned into many more friendships.
5. Now my daughter is 12 and doing well. No social problems.

Recommendations:
I know therapy costs a lot but in the long run its cheaper than private school and has long term benefits. If you son is overweight that often results in teasing. Get him involved in whatever he's good at. You may need to reach out to other parents and build a network of relationships that develop into friendships. For one year, my life revolved around taking care of this problem. It took a great deal of vigilance and hard work but needed to be done. I was terrified of the future.

Good luck!

[Beware the Beast Man]

30. As an ex-fat kid,

I know what it's like to get teased on a regular basis, though nowhere near the level your son is teased, it seems.
In the utmost respect, have you talked to him about a possible weight loss program? If the kids are picking on him solely because of his appearance, it may do him some good. Not only would he have more confidence, but possibly a weightlifting program or the like could give him an imposing image, which may deter some of the teasing. I hope all goes well with him. :hi:

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. I was bullied from head start through college, and it wasn't until I was

20 that I realized that in some ways I brought in on myself by wearing some sort of "Victimize me!" aura. I had come to expect people to treat me like crap, so I slunk around like the low dog in the pack until they ganged up on me.

I still have trouble with what other people think of me, but developing my sense of humor was the most important step in moving away from that aura thing. I learned to not take myself and others so seriously, and that what other people think REALLY doesn't matter.

But I don't know how to communicate that to a younger kid. I am sure people had been telling me that my whole youth and it still took until I was 20 for it to start to sink in. I hope your son can absorb that idea much, much sooner. *hugs for the both of you*

HOWEVER, since it is a Christian school you have very right to get the principal and teachers on your side and emphasize God's love and grace in all interactions made there. Jesus NEVER made fun of people, and He is heartbroken with the way your son is being treated.

On the other hand, how decent is this Christian school? Because people who feel vulnerable are the ones most likely to fall into the fundagelical trap. If you have any qualms whatsoever about what they teach there, then find a different place for him ASAP, before they turn him into a pod person.

-------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[KittyWampus]

45. I Remember The Moment I Realized That If Others Didn't Like Me

it was THEIR freaking problem.

It was during the Summer and the next year in school I stopped trying to fit in or caring about what other people thought.

Moved my seat to the other side of the room... where the black kids sat and shortly thereafter began to make real friends.

[BigMcLargehuge]

32. sounds like the middle school years of my childhood

though I wasn't ever enrolled in another school by my folks (which I'd have welcomed) I was teased and beaten mercilessly for the first couple of years. I had the same issues as your boy, short, round, and shy. I did have a sense of humor which worked to deflect some of of the crap the other kids flung at me, but only some.

My dad allowed me to enroll in a Judo school where I learned how to control my rotund little body and not fear being hit or thrown. It helped build my self esteem too, as I was always throwing around students bigger than I was, and each week I did more pushups, more situps etc. I got healthier, only a little trimmer, a lot stronger, and a lot more confident.

During the first week of 8th grade one of the usual shitheads made sport of me in the cafeteria, when I didn't back down he grabbed onto my shirt and started shoving. He landed somewhere near the ketchup and mustard table ten feet away, head first, and didn't get up for a long time. Since I tossed him in front of his pals I almost immediately came off their victim list.

Judo was a life-changer for me. I loved it as a sport and as a martial art, and that love continues to push me through my Hapkido training today.

Maybe something like that could help your boy?

[DemocratSinceBirth]

33. I Would Talk Not Yell At The Principal...

The behavior exhibited is not the behavior Christ would endorse... Without getting into a theological discussion Christ said to love thy neighbor as thyself.... Harassing a chubby kid is not loving thy neighbor...

I would also start your son on a diet, an exercise program, and take him to a karate class with an understanding teacher... He shouldn't take the karate to beat his tormentors into oblivion but to learn self confidence...


Peace


Brian

[mopinko]

34. the trouble with the private school option

is that they are not required to provide any real help for him.
your son sounds like my older 2, sorta rolled together. i concur on the recommendation to get ddr. it is strenuous exercise disguised as a video game. worth every dime.
my son's shyness is what led us to homeschool for 8 years. he is super smart, but too shy to survive that stuff. he did eventually go to school, but dropped out as a junior. there were other things that added to that.
my daughter is bipolar, and when she went to school, she ended up at 4 schools in 4 years, including a catholic girls high school. same thing- puking, crying, eventually hanging out with bad kids, drinking, smoking dope, bad grades, you name it.
anyway- we ended up having to enroll her in the local public school, then filing for an iep that included therapeutic day school. since she had been hospitalized, had a diagnosis of a major mental illness, and because we had tried so many things that did not work, we were granted. she is very, very happy at her school. getting nearly straight a's.
your kid is entitled to help from the schools. we had a consultation with a lawyer who specializes in special ed issues. he gave us a free consultation, and it helped us immensely.
this is their website.
http://www.whittedcleary.com/
they are in illinois, but this stuff is all federal law. they are nice people, and might be able to suggest someone in california, if you called.

[midnight armadillo]

35. I was the target of bullies as a kid

The combination of being overweight, wearing glasses, being smart, and reacting to bullying by trying to ignore it (a survival mechanism due to a narcissistic mother) made me a huge target. I had friends, fortunately, but I never fought back.

What I should have done was whip the ever-lovin' shit out of one or two bullies, which would have put an end to it. Take your son to a few boxing classes and have him give this a try if nothing else works. I'm serious.

The bullying ended for me towards the end of middle school due to puberty - I wound up bigger and taller than most of the bullies, and they found other targets. HS sports and music, followed by years of martial arts in college, really helped my attitude towards bullying. As an adult my willingness to take shit from bullies is very, very low. Actually I still battle with emotional eating from all the childhood crap.

[Wapsie B]

54. Same here.

Wishing I would've knocked the bullies senseless rather than bottling it up and letting it fuel internal anger. To this day I find myself at a disadvantage in negotiations with employers and bosses. My past supervisor was a master at pulling my strings in that way, knowing exactly how to manipulate me and bully me in evaluations, accusing me of things he himself was guilty of.

Sorry this isn't the point of the thread. But my daughter had a problem similar to the original poster's son. Daughter's best friend moved away. Thankfully, counseling has helped, along with a good psych eval and treatment.

[prozacnation]

37. Thanks to all

First I wanted to clarify that my son is not obese or even close. He is on the short side for his age and has a stocky or husky type build. When you are short and stocky even a few extra pounds looks bad. He could lose a few pounds no doubt about that. However, I do think that the weight problem will be less of an issue when puberty hormones kick in and he gets taller. He is a late bloomer just like his Dad was. He is active in that he goes to karate twice a week and is on a soccer team during soccer season. I did mention to him last night that we are going to help each other get in better shape by walking, etc.

Sadly the kid who torments him the most was a member of his soccer team last season. I thought he was a nice kid and honestly he was one of the reasons we choose the Christian school.

The school itself is a good school, at least academically. They also claim to be nurturing and supportive. I suppose how they deal with this issue will determine my opinion on that matter. The only thing I don't like about the school is how much they love Bush. Luckily my son knows better.

Enrolling him in a private school was not my first choice, trust me. To begin with it is so expensive and not in our budget. I liked the public middle school that he was at and they were responsive for the most part. We thought about doing an individual education plan for him but we were told it could take up to two years. There has to be testing and a noted history of problems or issues. It's not an immediate thing. I don't have two years to throw away while he is miserable.

He is in counseling on a weekly basis and I think it's helping. Unfortunately, I think most of the work he has to do is internal. We can tell him over and over again that we love him and he's great but he ultimately has to process and believe that information. He has to find the strength to stand up for himself and stop being a victim. I just don't know how to get him to that step.

[last1standing]

39. You could have been writing about me 25 years ago.

I was a shy, short, fat kid myself. Unlike your child, however, either my parents never knew or never cared that I was getting teased relentlessly by the cool kids in school. He's very lucky in that respect.

Be careful. I attempted suicide twice in those years as so many other unpopular children and teens do. I felt it was unbearable to go to school every day just to be told how disgusting and worthless I was. Somehow, I managed to make it through, although I still don't know exactly how I did so.

My problem was self confidence. I didn't have looks or money or strength to give me the respect of the other kids and so they tormented me. Of course the more they teased me the worse I felt and the lower my self esteem got. It became a vicious cycle that got worse through 7th and 8th grade.

I don't know what my breaking point was, but one day I'd had enough and when one of the worse bullies started teasing me, I punched him. Everyone was stunned when he started to cry and walked away yelling about how he was going to kick my ass. It's quite funny when I look back on it now. Back then, my adrenalin was pumping through my body so strongly that I was almost crying myself. Things didn't change overnight for me, after that, but it was the beginning of the end of my worst days. I realized something very important that day. The reason I was being picked on was because I wasn't doing anything to stop it. I was an easy mark. I never stood up for myself because I didn't think I was worth the bother.

I think what your child needs is self respect and confidence in himself. He's probably not really afraid of what they're saying, he's probably afraid that what they're saying is true. Get him into activities that show him that he's he isn't powerless. Karate or some other strength training might be good. Even better would be acting or other mental training to strengthen his ability to think on his feet. Nothing beats back a bully better than wit.

By the time I left high school I was one of the popular kids myself. I never hit another person but I did belittle many who thought they could bully me or other people. To this day the friends I still have from school talk about the way I'd ridicule people twice my size and how they would always back down. Its nice that we can laugh about bullying the bullies.

Good luck to you and your son. And if you have any questions you'd like to ask please respond or PM me. I would be happy to give you any support I can.

[Arkana]

40. As someone who was bullied all through elementary and middle school

I can say that you should be there for him. My mom helped me through the roughest of times. Heck, she even gave me retorts to use!

Seriously, though, being there for him and listening to him is the best thing you can do for him. Don't tell him to get over it, because that will sound callous, but do reassure him that once middle school is over that the bullying will pretty much stop. Kids lose interest in it once they reach high school.

You could talk to the principal, but make sure that his name is NEVER mentioned when the principal talks to the kids in question.

I don't know...I know that because my parents were my eternal cheerleaders through my toughest times that I survived the bullies, so I would advise the same to someone else.

[KittyWampus]

41. Enroll Him In Martial Arts. It'll Build Self Esteem, Improve Coordination

teach him to protect himself, and put him in the company of other kids who are being trained not to bully others.

[ThorsHammer]

52. Seconded

[johnnie]

42. I can relate

I have always been short and from the first day of school I was reminded constantly that I was the shortest boy in the class.
I have to say that I started school with my punk-ass attitude and the things people said never bothered me. My heart always went out to the kids that got picked on and in more than one occasion I put a stop to it.
I wish I had something to tell you that was a quick fix, but I never had children and armchair parenting is not something I can do.
Maybe a birthday party with some people that he might be on talking terms with (or some kind of party). A lot of the people on here have given some great ideas and I really wish i had some to add. I just felt the need to reply because as I said, I always hurt for this kind of thing and it really pisses me off.
I hope your son the best.

[BikeWriter]

43. Been there, done that. Didn't get the T-Shirt...

Plus, it turned me off of school entirely. You are not overreacting. Take this very seriously. I can't think of any quick fixes. Confidence building activities, perhaps? First and foremost, convince him YOU love him unconditionally!

[kiraboo]

44. Wow, that's really tough.

I have an eleven-year-old son also and he has always been on the fringe socially. For years he's been called gay... a few of the many reasons are: he has blond hair, he sits with his legs crossed, he likes to draw, he doesn't do popular culture very well etc. etc. This year he entered middle school and all hell broke loose. He has had the meltdowns you describe. I've been up with him late at night when I was awakened by his sobbing at night. I once made the mistake of suggesting, gently, that he try to do a few more "boy" things to get the guys off his back. He burst into a fresh flood of tears and cried, "I just want to be myself!" His sister went through a milder version of this two years earlier and I was able to use her ability to make it through as an inspiration for Juergen. I don't know what kind of counselling your boy has had, but I believe that training him to cope... building his self-esteem etc., is more successful in the long run than pulling him out of a situation. Having said that, I did consider homeschooling Juergs and I respect your choice to change schools. Interestingly, I had a neighbor whose daughter had social issues very early on... second and third grade. She was going to the local Catholic school and was terrorized by the kids for being TOO religiously devout. I don't think there is any basis (other than the affirmation made by Dr. Laura!) that religious schools are guaranteed to provide a better social environment than public school. My heart goes out to you and your son. I hope you find a solution.

[kick-ass-bob]

46. I went to a private school for a while...

and the problem with that is, since the class sizes are smaller, there are the "outsiders" who haven't been with this group for all eternity. These people, if they are at all different (as I was) are sometimes never accepted into the group - and since there are less people, there are less chances to find friends.

I never felt fully accepted by the group of them until I left to go to a public middle school. Then in middle school, I found some people to hang with, but not really until I had the aura of 'everyone, just fuck off'.

I was not fat, I was actually to skinny and small, and shy - so I compensated by growing my hair long (when no one really was) and getting into a handful of fights (nothing serious).

How did I get through it all? I'm not really sure - I just found a few friends and ignored the rest of them, and they either went away or I just didn't notice them. I think that might be more difficult to do in a smaller setting. I wasn't to the point of your son, but I did refuse to go to school on some occassions.

I don't think I've really helped much.
:(

[MsAnthropy]

47. God, that must be so painful for him

I remember what it was like. If only someone had been able to convey how transitory it all is and how truly irrelevant those mean kids are (and high school in general is) to what kind of person I am or would become. All that suffering he is going through will be gone as soon as he gets out of school and starts "real life". It's easy to look back on it, I know--at the time it felt like it would never end. But it ends, and if your son can maintain his sweetness through it, he has won.

[JHB]

48. I was similar at that age, but I don't have any useful advice...

Something inside him needs to flip over to give him the confidence to either let it slide off & not bother him, or to fight back. I didn't get that until college, which was a very different environment and let me get some perspective. I don't know how to do that for someone else.

(I know it's not exactly the *best* solution, but there might be something to be said for letting him know that if he DID beat the crap out of someone for teasing him, you'd support him for defending himself.)

[prozacnation]

50. Spoke with his principal this morning..

We had a good conversation. She was very supportive and said there is zero tolerance for that type of behavior. Of course what else could she say? Her first step will be to talk to the teacher and then the students involved. I'm not sure what will happen after that but we will be talking again later this morning.

Her advice was to try to foster a friendship with one or two of the boys in his class. I will be working on that. It's sad though because my son thinks that no-one wants to be his friend.

[Chalco]

53. Befriend the parents first. If you like them and they like you

it will be an easier transition to the kids becoming involved.

[GOPBasher]

51. I'm so sorry.

I wish I could give some advice, but you've already tried most of the things I would suggest, and anything else I'd come up with, people already suggested (martial arts, for example). Anyway, I'll just give this a kick; others can possibly help.