Bridesmaid Rant - May I Vent?? AURRGGH!

[Dem Agog]

So I thought that my days of being a bridesmaid were over. After six weddings I think I've done my time.

But apparently I was wrong.

I'm in a family members wedding. She is a size 2. I'm a size 12. Her sister is also in the wedding, also a size 2.

So I get this email yesterday with the pictures of two bridesmaids dresses in it. She wants me and Sister Size 2 to pick the one we like. Well, they both have spaghetti straps and empire waistlines and this sheer, sheer fabric which will show every single bulge.

I picked the one that I thought would be the least offensive on me, but Sister Size 2 of course picked the other one that only Kate Moss would look good in.

I have six months until the wedding and even if I lose thirty pounds my body shape will STILL LOOK LIKE SHIT in these dresses! I'm not a stick like they are.

I have no idea how to politely tell her that both dresses are made for sticks and I am NOT a stick! They have these sickly, pasty pale models with no arms and no hips or butt wearing these things and I nearly want to cry because it is going to be so embarrassing to have to wear one of these two dresses.

Why do people not realize that if they have differently shaped bridesmaids in their wedding they should pick a style that suits the different shapes, or better yet let bridesmaids choose similar gowns in different styles if need be?

I fucking hate weddings.

[MissMillie]

1. If I ever get hitched

I'll tell my attendant(s) what color I'd like them in, and let them take it from there.

I don't want to be responsible for picking out something that someone else has to buy and wear. I have a hard enough time trying to dress myself.

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. Even that can be dangerous. Some people look sickly in the wrong color

*g*


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S.O.S: Save our Sovereignty!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[candy]

2. Don't be in it----sounds a lot easier than it is,I know,but I'm with you--

This bridesmaid stuff stinks.

[fertilizeonarbusto]

3. Aw, honey

For you :hug:
I hear you, I hate weddings too. It isn't like I'm ever having one for myself. I know, selfish, but I've spent so much time and money on them and 9/10 of them ended in deeeeee-vorce. In fact, the more of a pain in the ass the wedding was, the shorter the marriage lasted.

[MemphisTiger]

4. Wear it with pride

Big is beautiful. It's all about confidence. If all else fails, you could just break the size 2 girls in half.

[Beaverhausen]

37. When did size 12 become "big" ?

really...the average women's size in this country is 14.

[Rambis]

42. That was my question

12-14 is average no? Who's fault is it the other two are the size of oompah loompahs?

[Phillycat]

43. Well...

Regular ladies sizes run from 0-14. "Plus" sizes run from 14-24 or whatever. So I would think "average" for ladies would be a size 8. I don't know about statistical data, and of course, everything varies by height, but that seems reasonable to me.

[Rambis]

45. I should never do math

It just should never happen! My fake:):tinfoilhat:

[bettyellen]

48. not at all 5'6" and 12 -14 is average in the USA. Yep! eom

[Phillycat]

49. Goodness. I'm 5'6" and when I was a 14, I was FAT.

[bettyellen]

55. and overweight is average. we are talking about what average!

and 6-8 is where girls want to be, but 12-14 is where they are.
Look around you, although if you're in an urban area, you'll see less of it.

[Phillycat]

59. That makes sense.

Yes, people are thinner in the city, for sure.

[Beaverhausen]

65. Models used to all be size 8- now they are 2 or 0.

I blame it on the fact that most designers are gay men and hate womens' bodies!!!

[Beaverhausen]

66. dupe

[MemphisTiger]

46. It's not. That's what I mean. Just because these other

girls are toothpicks, it doesn't mean that someone who is not a size 2 or 4 isn't hot. I was referring to the typical Hollywood version of big or small. I think a woman can be attractive regardless of size unless they are unhealthy on the large or small side.

[rbnyc]

5. Tell her that having bridesmaids all in the same dress...

...is out of style. I let my bridesmaids pick their own dresses within a color scheme. They looked wonderful and they all felt great in what they were wearing.

Sorry, they sound really insensitive.

Good Luck!

[Shakespeare]

19. That's what I did, too, and it worked GREAT.

Got married on valentine's day this year, so my color (naturally) was red. Told them to pick any dress they liked, as long as it was red.

Everybody looked great, everyone had fun, and everything was amazingly low-stress. That's the way weddings SHOULD be, if you ask me!

I've always thought it kind of silly to have the Clones from Hell as bridesmaids--it's much more interesting and fun (and the pictures bear this out) to have everyone looking a little different.

[demnan]

6. Why don't you just say it to her?

I wouldn't hesitate to discuss it with her frankly and if you can't come to any good solution you can always bow out.

[Phillycat]

7. Tell them you will find an exact color match in another gown...

and that YOU will do the work to find it. Get a fabric swatch for the size 2's and take it out yourself and find a gown. There's no possible way she can object. She doesn't have to do any extra work and you will still fit into her color scheme.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I lost 50 pounds in 9 months for a wedding and I was so glad, because I didn't have to be fat in their wedding pictures. I am a size 2 now, and I was a 4 for the wedding (down from a 14) and the wedding was such a good goal to shoot for that it really helped to motivate me. I need something to look forward to in the future to really stick to something, and that did it for me. The wedding was 2 years ago (yes, they're still married) and I've lost an addition 10 pounds and look the best I've ever looked in my life. So, you know, it might work for you too. :)

[Dem Agog]

23. I'm definitely hoping to lose weight...

My "skinniest" size seems to be around an 8, and it's hard to get down there. The thing is, even if I do get down there, I'm pear shaped so the empire waists look awful on me. (I was at my skinniest for my own wedding and tried on empire waist dresses then - ugly!)

I hope to lose down to an 8 again, or at worst a 9 or 10 by her wedding. I have to pick the dress and get it ordered by the end of this month though, so if I do, it's going to have to be altered pretty heavily which I don't mind so much.

[Midlodemocrat]

26. Tell her you think you might be pregnant

...at the time of the wedding and showing...that will definitely get her to reconsider.

[Dem Agog]

28. Oh God no...

We don't have kids and the pressure from my in-laws and parents is bad enough. When I quit my job because we were moving my stepmother actually started telling people she thought I was quitting to have a baby. I couldn't be less interested.

Worse yet when we went home for Christmas I saw my neices. My stepmother kept on saying, "Aren't they cute? I know you say you don't want kids, but wouldn't you want theeeeese?" with a syrupy sweet voice. I said, "Yeah I love them and what I love most is that I can GIVE THEM BACK!"

No pregnancy rumors allowed, not even to further my cause for a decent dress. :D

[Midlodemocrat]

36. Sorry, I was just trying to help

:evilgrin:

[stellanoir]

8. tell the bride very delicately

that you would prefer to support her nuptials in some other way.

There is absolutely no reason that her celebratory experience should be a humiliating experience for you. There is no obligatory requirement for a specific number of bridesmaids.

Be light hearted and straightforward about it.

Good luck.

[AlCzervik]

9. That sucks and size 2 needs an arse kicking

when i got married i let the bride maids pick out their own dresses as long as they were all in the same color family. No bows on the back-you know the bows that say "Look at her giant ass!" and no spaghetti straps. I'd tell the bride exactly your thoughts, I'm sure she wouldn't mind assuming she's a reasonable person.

[Lavender Brown]

10. Why do people insist on the empire waists for weddings?

They make even very tiny women look pregnant! I would definitely speak up and ask to find a coordinating dress in a style that you like. You shouldn't be uncomfortable at a special event.

[Danmel]

29. They are great for short people

Extend your line and all- make you look taller but for someone with a pear shape- tht would not be great. I think you should just tell her you will not be comfortable in the dress. I'm sure if she cares about you she wouldn't want you to feel unconfortable. Then get a dress in the same color that flatters you and makes you feel beautiful.

If she says no, get the dress and tell yourself you are a wonderful friend and that should make you feel beautiful.

BTW Lavender- did you get your user name from "Matilda?" I love that movie.

[Lavender Brown]

30. A very minor character

in Harry Potter, actually. For some reason, the name struck me as cute. :)

[GreenPartyVoter]

11. *hugs* I never was a bridesmaid. Never got chosen for that honor

but I totally hear what you are saying!

When I got married I put together a sweet little ensemble that not only would all of my attendants look good in but that they could wear again without feeling like they were working a bridal show.

They are evil and a pain, but you may want to wear a body slimmer under the dress if you are worried about bulges. I had to wear one under my (size 16) wedding gown.

Have you asked your friend the bride if she would come with you while you try on similar dresses so that she can see that they just look all wrong on you? Maybe she would reconsider if she saw it for herself.

In the meantime, console yourself with some dishy reading about bridesmaids suffering through similar situations:

http://curvynovels.com/reviews/BridesmaidsReward.htm

http://curvynovels.com/reviews/BetMe.htm

http://curvynovels.com/reviews/BlushingPink.htm

-------------------------------------
S.O.S: Save our Sovereignty!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[bleedingheart]

13. I would politely tell the bride the truth

I had two bridesmaids...I had the gal who wore a size 16 pick out the dress since as we all discussed...anything she looked great it would be fine for the thinner gal who was a size 4...
It worked out just fine.

Sorry but if you are paying for this gown...you should have some say in what it looks like...so long as it works with the bride's dress...

Otherwise I would back out...

[flamingyouth]

14. I feel for you

Back in the '90s I wore this green shiny thing that looked like a Hefty bag. When I got married, I had one attendant. We are lifelong friends. I said to her, "Why don't you pick out a dress that you like and that you would be able to use again?" At the time, she was married to a grad student, so her mom bought her a very nice dress in cobalt blue. It looked great on her, and I know she got lots of use out of it.

This bridesmaid dress thing is just over the top. Plus I'm sure it's not cheap, and you have to pay for it, am I right?

[cally]

15. Weddings are way too bizarre

The whole idea of bridesmaids in matching gowns is wierd. Then again, my sister got married and had her two sisters as bridesmaids. We were both 7 months pregnant. I know about humiliation.

[coeur_de_lion]

16. find a suitable dress in the same color

I did that once for a friend's wedding. I don't think you relative would want you in a dress that makes you uncomfortable and isn't flattering. Think about if it were your wedding -- would you want your bridesmaids to feel crummy in the dress you picked out? I had the opposite problem with my friends wedding. The other two bridesmaids were bustier than me and I would have looked ridiculous in a low-cut dress. Plus, I'm not into showing a lot of cleavage and I would have been self conscious the whole day.

My friend was very understanding about my discomfort with the dress. If your relative isn't, I would just politely decline.

Bridesmaids dresses are usually so ugly. The designers should really make dresses that you can wear again after the wedding.

[yellowdogintexas]

17. GO TO THE MANUFACTURER'S WEBSITE

Many dress companies that make bridesmaid attire actually offer the same fabric in many styles to suit the tastes of the ladies involved.

So the size 2 can wear one style and the size 12 (I wish I could SEE size 12 in my future any time soon, said the size 18) can wear another, but the fabric matches. Many of these are 2 piece ensembles, so you can get the top that flatters you up there and the skirt that flatters you down there. And they are not unreasonably priced either.

How long until the wedding? If this is a family member hopefully you can tell her that you know you will not look nice in this style and that it would be better if you looked as nice as her sister, in order to make the wedding look balanced..or some such malarkey. Play up to the fact that what all brides ultimately want is perfect wedding pictures!!!!! Tell her you will look better in a 2 piece with an Aline skirt and off the shoulder portrait neckline, find the example and prove it..and her pictures will be better.

My niece's BigFATItalianWedding/adult prom was gorgeous, and she had 8 bridesmaids, all different sizes and shapes. They all looked gorgeous because she chose a 2 piece dress that looked like it was custom made for each girl. Strapless, but with matching chiffon shawls that they could arrange to their likeing. So the ones who did not want to look strapless could fix the shawl about their shoulders, the others did something else with the shawls. It looked very nice.


One of the most beautiful weddings I ever saw featured long straight or A-line kelly green linen skirts for the bridesmaids with white peplum waist long sleeved blouses, with Battenburg lace appliques on the sleeves and neckline. This was a March wedding, by the way. There were 6 bridesmaids, all sizes and shapes and they ALL looked gorgeous because of the style of the dresses. Added plus: it was something they could alter and wear again and again. One of them told me that she had a jacket made of the linen and planned to shorten the skirt so she would have a new suit out of this wedding.


I know that if my daughter ever plans a wedding, we will have to go to
the twopiece, pick your style but same color deal because her best friend is about a 16 and her other potential bridesmaid is her cousin who, like my daughter is about a size 2 or 3 depending on the style of garment and brand.

Good luck, and keep us posted on the outcome.

Just sign me "a sensible person"

[China_cat]

18. Another suggestion

Ask the bride about finding a suitable material and having dresses made to flatter each bridesmaid in the same material and trims. Prices out to about the same as buying dresses and paying for alterations, everything matches exactly in color and trim and everyone looks lovely.

I'll be making the dresses for my niece's wedding and that's what we've decided to do for her attendants.

[fudge stripe cookays]

20. I feel for you.

When I got married, I took my two bridesmaids to the mall to look for some basic black, sheath dresses. Whatever we could find that was inexpensive and that they could wear again.

We lucked out in finding some at Macy's with small cutouts and underslips in the periwinkle blue that was one of my colors.

Sheath dresses look good on just about everybody, and they both looked beautiful. Perhaps you could suggest this style to the bride, as it is much more flattering.

One of my bridesmaids delightedly told me a few months after the event that she'd worn her dress out to dinner with her husband. She still has it and does that a lot with it!

FSC

[skygazer]

21. I hate weddings, too

I hate the fact that people seem to think that they have to follow some sort of cosmic plan that cannot be deviated from. Personally, I think the sight of a gaggle of women all dressed in the exact same gown is downright weird.

When I got married, I wore a knee length, drop dead red sheath dress with spaghetti straps and my one bridesmaid wore a slim little black number and we both looked great. We were both able to use those dresses over and over again and it made a lot more sense to me than buying some god awful poofy prom type dress that I'd never wear again.

Just tell her. Tell her the dress is going to look awful on you and that you'd be glad to get another, more suitable style in the same color. It would be far more fashionable anyway and doesn't she want her attendants to look good?

[Dem Agog]

22. Update!

Well thanks to you guys I just got up the courage to call her and point out that what looks good on Size 2 Sister would probably not look good on me. She told me what S2S's concerns were (she's worried her boobs will look too big - hah if only I had that problem)...

So we talked for a few minutes and she suggested that I go try on some dresses and call her back with styles that I like, and since I have the hardest to fit body, perhaps we could find something from there.

She's still stuck on the spaghetti straps (they match her dress) but she's not stuck on the empire waist, thank God. She also sent me pictures of her dress and I think I can find something that will go with it.

Here's hoping. Ugh I hate bridal shopping. :) Thanks for the encouragement and for the sympathy... I still wish we could all just pick our own dresses in one single color.

[GreenPartyVoter]

24. Good for you! *hugs* I still say you should read those novels, though

they are a hoot! *g*

[Dem Agog]

25. Oh I will! Thanks for the links!

Having been on both side of the bride/bridesmaid coin in the past 2 years I'm sure I will get a kick out of them. :)

[gollygee]

39. Oh good!

I started reading these and was afraid it was a case of Bridezilla - but your story has a happy ending!

yay :)

[gaia_gardener]

27. Are there really people who can wear

empire waists without looking pregnant? I'm small, I've always been small. I'm also high-waisted. These are the "requirements" for wearing empire waists, yet if I try one on, I look about 4 months pregnant (and 4 months pregnant on me is about 6 months on other people).

I'm glad you've managed to work it out with the bride. I'd hate to be in a wedding party and have to spend all night explaining that no, I'm not pregnant but thanks for asking.

Good luck on the weight loss. I know how hard it can be (I say I was always small but there was a period of about 3 years after my 2nd birth where I was about 30lbs heavier than I'd ever been).

[Kber]

52. Empire waists

look great on tall, slender women with very small busts.

I am a short, curvy woman who secretly loves the look, but could never wear it.

OTOH, I AM pregnant now, and bought an empire waisted maternity dress to wear for the holidays, and it I thing it looks really cute - assuming you think big pregnant bellies are cute of course (which I kinda do.)

[gaia_gardener]

57. That describes me

I'm 5'8", 130lbs (and this is after gaining weight from the holidays). I wear a B cup (but don't fill it out fully). I still look pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I loved the way I looked when I was pregnant and I think pregnant women are beautiful, but when you're not pregnant it's not such a great thing.

I think people have been convinced that empire waists are great (is it true that that word is supposed be pronounced ahm-peer?) and so they just refuse to see that women look pregnant in them.

[Samurai_Writer]

31. I feel for you!

For my wedding, I had three bridesmaids -- one was 6'0" and size 30... another was 5'4" and size 20... the other was 5'2" and size 6. I decided on having two piece outfits, a jacket and skirt (december wedding), which were tailor-made for each woman. They all looked wonderful and were able to wear them again without it looking like a 'bridesmaid dress'.

I would tell the bride your concerns NOW, before plans are too 'set in stone' to change.

[Willy Lee]

32. Go ahead and tell them what you think.

It's family- if they can't take it, who can?

[AngryLizard]

35. Okay, I'm a wedding planner

Couple of things going on here:

1. She's the bride, and this is the dress she picked for you

2. You agreed to be in her wedding.

Which means a couple of more things - this is what she wants, and you can't tell her that what she wants is what she can't have, plus it's not that cool to bow out when you've already agreed to be in her wedding, and you might come off as a spoilsport. Plus, there's the chance that there will be some "well, she couldn't fit into the dress, so she bowed out" rumors going around. So, like, MONTHS of humiliation as opposed to one day. Plus, you know, if this is family, we might be talking years of humiliation.

HOWEVER. You can SHOW her that this isn't a good idea. Can you try on the dress? And take a picture of yourself in the dress? And tell her that you're not sure that this is the right dress for you, and show her the picture (I'm a size 10, btw, with a 36D chest. Been there, done that. Like, in August, even). And THEN suggest - because you want to look good for her wedding (pictures, pictures, hint, hint)about getting a different style of dress in the same color, and assure her that you will do the groundwork to find the dress and show her a picture before you purchase it. She'll have the proof, and most likely she will agree.

Good luck.

[FellowAmerican]

33. Just get one of those

head to toe body slips that will smooth out all of those lumps, bumps and ripples. Then go and have a great time! :toast:

[liontamer]

34. tell her

you must be close if she wants you as a bridesmaid. Just tell her you think you'll look horrible and that you're freaking out and you want to look your best at her wedding. She should understand. Especially if you say you'll look for a dress yourself.

[ScreamingMeemie]

38. Empire waists are not as scary as they appear. I wore one as a bridesmaid

when I was hugely pregnant with my son and it was not bad at all. Get a sympathetic seamstress and you may end up looking like a million bucks. Empire waists are very forgiving. :hug: Glad I'm done (knock wood) with that. ;) :hi:

[Plaid Adder]

40. Humiliation is part of being a bridesmaid.

This is my view, anyhow. The one time I had to be a bridesmaid the maid of honor made all the dresses because they were really trying to keep the cost down, and used fabric that she was able to get cheap through her job. They were about the same color as hospital gowns and cut not unlike them. I have pretty fair skin and at the time was a size 14; I've seen the pictures and I look like something someone vomited up. Ah well. I knew the risks when I signed up.

If it makes you feel any better, being a bridesmaid sucks EXTRA hard if you're a lesbian in a long-term relationship. You do it for your friends because you want to share the experience, even though it pisses you off. My partner went through a phase where she refused to attend straight weddings and she regrets it now; I always opted to go and put up with it and I'm glad I was there to see them all.

Good luck,

The Plaid Adder

[AngryLizard]

41. It's true: To be a bridesmaid is to suffer

Potentially bad dresses, lining up, standing for hours, pictures for more hours, it's a rigorous process. But it's also just one day, dedicated to someone that you love. It's an honor to be asked and to serve - but it's also a pain in the ass.

If you're lucky, the bride is a reasonable person who's going to make it as easy for you as she can - and most of the brides I work with do. If you're not, suck it up, paste a smile on your face and get through it the best you can.

[Plaid Adder]

56. It would be less painful if you could look forward to making them do it

for you. But alas, you cannot, because even in states where gay marriage is legal, we don't have that same centuries-old sense of entitlement that allows women to demand that their friends do this to themselves.

Ah well,

The Plaid Adder

[Phillycat]

44. YOU ARE A WOMAN.

OH MY GOD. I had no idea!

[Plaid Adder]

53. Uh...yes, I am woman. Hear me roar.

You really hadn't worked that out?

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[Phillycat]

60. No, not at ALL.

Your writing is so masculine!

[Plaid Adder]

61. WTH does that mean?

I'm just curious. What makes writing "masculine?"

The Plaid Adder

[Phillycat]

62. I don't know!

I'm not sure, I just got a very "male" vibe from your writing, and I can't put my finger on why. Sorry I can't be more specific. It's not a value judgement either way, I like your writing. :)

[bettyellen]

63. good question ! were you going on about having....

a penis or something, plaid? because only then i could see making the assumption....
in a related incident of ignorance i was shocked to hear moonbeam was a texan! shocked!

[Plaid Adder]

64. No, but strangely I get the "masculine writing" thing a lot from people

and I truly don't know what it is. I cuss a lot, but I wouldn't think that alone would account for it.

C ya,

The Plaid Adder

[Nikepallas]

47. May I suggest the website Etiquettehell.com they have a forum

that might just beable to help you with your problem and the stories will give ya a good laugh.

[fryguy]

50. making bridesmaids all wear the same dress is dumb

my wife just had her bridesmaids wear black dresses of their choosing...much easier I'm sure!

[bettyellen]

51. here, this might make you feel better:

http://www.uglydress.com/

[bettyellen]

54. it could always be worse!

http://www.uglydress.com/prompatriot.html

[Pacifist Patriot]

58. I have been a bridesmaid exactly once in my life.

For my sister's first wedding. I was asked once and declined...thank heavens the woman had 3 outfits for her bridesmaids. Yep, three! When I see stories like yours I don't feel so bad about not being asked by any others. Sorry you're uncomfortable with the dress.

[Left Is Write]

67. I think bridesmaids should be allowed

to choose dresses that flatter them as individuals, and that they need not be exactly the same style. I only had one maid of honor for my wedding and no bridesmaids, but she chose her own dress. I really don't understand why more brides don't go the route of letting bridesmaids make their own selections.

(But please - don't refer to people as "sticks." I understand your frustration, but it can be a very hurtful term.)