Ditched by the hubby

[SemiCharmedQuark]

Yep, we were supposed to go out to dinner, and he calls and says he and his friends are going to see Alexander and he'll be home at 3. That's angering enough, but Im suspicious of one of his friends. This friend once said after being told by my husband that he had plans with me "Why? It's not like she's your girlfriend." Also hubby and I were going to the movies and this friend just joins up. So my husband goes "Well, Im kind of going with my wife." to which said friend replies "well, that's ok, she can go too."

So now I have a little over four hours to plot revenge.

[AlCzervik]

1. Is his friend single? And how long have they been friends for?

[SemiCharmedQuark]

3. Yep, single. And they've been friends for about six months now.

[AlCzervik]

6. You will need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him

the next time he calls and then maybe one with your hubby. Maybe your hubby feels bad for him, can't say no to him but that stuff has to get fixed soon. Hubby's friend needs to know the pecking order.

[goodboy]

2. cut him off...that should fix it...I'm married, and that's why I would

never do anything like that...plus it's really rude

[shesemsmom]

12. cutting one off

only works on one thats faithful. That may be in question here

[smbolisnch]

4. Awwww that sucks.

I have found that the cold shoulder usually works best when my husband and I have an argument. Usually we both just end up laughing at my stubbornness......but, it sounds like your husband's friend is a real piece of work...I would have a serious chat with him about that one! Good luck, and take some time to pamper yourself or something since you are on your own tonight!

[shesemsmom]

5. revenge

how about meeting him at the door with an iron skillet babe. I wouldn't put up with that for a minute. The first year we were married this one turned into a nut right after the Honeymoon and started going out every night. Well. I laid down the law, and that didn't work so the next time I meet him coming in with a packed bag and told him he could come back later for the rest. That was 1986....no problems since.

[whodiedandmadeUSgod]

7. Yes! Put on something nice and go out yourself.

Make sure you don't come in until about 4AM.

[justinsb]

16. Or...

After you do whatever you decide to do, get a nice hotel room, come home sunday night.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

8. You don't have to take that at all .

You don't have to take that all . That's right , you are not his girlfriend , you are his WIFE . You are his wife and its best that he remembers that - he may in the single life but your husband is your HUSBAND . Let your husband know how you feel . Those comments were not right at all . He ( the friend ) should have some respect . He sounds like an idiot .

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

9. WTF????

If my husband ditched me to go to a movie, then said that he'd be in at three, he'd find the fucking locks changed.

Seriously. We don't play like that in this house, neither one of us.

That's freaking ridiculous. Is he like this all the time? Damn.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

13. No, he's really sweet, he only acts like an ass around his friends

Particularly this one friend.

A few weeks go, he told me to meet him at his friend's house and that we as a group would go see "Seed of Chucky". So I get there, and the mother of the the house tells me that "the boys have already left" so I go to the theater and they aren't there. So I go back to the house and they haven't gone back. When I got back to the theater I decided to see if he had just decided to see the movie without me. Sure enough, there he is laughing and joking with his idiot friends. So I left and waited for him outside. He comes out and tries to tell me that he spent the night waiting for me me in the lobby and his idiot friends try and tell me the same. Ugh.

[charlyvi]

14. Honey....

You need to teach this dude a little respect. No fucking way should he be treating you like this. I think the lock changing post by M_S would do the trick. A really sweet guy doesn't pull this shit. Do what you have to do. Good luck.

[AlCzervik]

15. Can i ask how old you both are and how long you've been married?

[SemiCharmedQuark]

18. We've been married almost 3 years

Im 21 and he's 24. We always talk through our problems and work them out. It's just these friends. I don't understand why someone would completely change their behavior for the sake of approval from a bunch of moron 20-somethings.

[AlCzervik]

19. He'll most likely snap out of it after you have a sit down with him

maybe he's going through a second late childhood. It's not right though, you really will have to talk with him. His friend sounds like a complete idiot and i'm sure he knows how you feel about him so he's probably going out of his way to piss you off.

[GingerSnaps]

40. Red Flag just went up

Can I ask you one question....Is this guy more then a friend to your husband :eyes:

[babylonsister]

10. Sorry. I think hubbies are there/here for a reason.

Mine is my best friend. He should be supporting you.

[ProudToBeLiberal]

11. no sex for a week...

or you can just lock him out for the night

[saracat]

17. This is a little too weird. It sounds like the friend is a little too i

interested in your husband. He sounds jealous of you. Do you think that might be the case? I have never heard of a "friend" talking about a wife in such a manner unless the "friend " didn't want to be just pals.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

20. Yeah, that's what I suspect.

This guy hangs on every word Matt says. He follows him around like a lost puppy. And if this doesn't creep you out...he switched his work shifts so that he works at the same time as Matt.

[gmoney]

21. A budding "Bromance"?

After all, they did go see Alexander...

[AlCzervik]

22. OK, thats just weird and very single white female

[saracat]

24. Trust me on this one. I have been there. Not with my husband

but with a boyfriend I once had. You need to have a talk with Hubby. He may not know, but this is a tad obvious, and Hubby is not objecting. Does he have any other friends who do this? This has got to stop. It is not normal! Married people don't date people of any persuasion, and this sounds like a date,at least on one side, and they don't stay out that late.

[Politicub]

47. Wow

The friend may be trying to seduce your husband. he may be psycho that way. Your husband may like feeling flattered by his friend.

[2Design]

23. take yourself out for dinner and a movie - have a good time

[SemiCharmedQuark]

25. Thanks all.

I'll have a talk with him when he gets back...I have to build up my courage though. Im not very good at confronting people. I'm not sure if he doesn't realize it or does and just gets off on the idea of someone fawning over him like some kind of groupie. Either way, it's got to stop. I have tried my best to be nice but I kind of get the feeling like I'm being used.

[lojasmo]

26. The movie sucks, he'll be getting his just deserts there. N/T

[TexasLady]

27. Do this

Go out and do something COMPLETELY normal and honest. THEN, tell the husband that you are going to 'do something important,fun, etc..", and give him NO details, only that he will see you the next day. I dunno, go spend the night with friends or relatives.

THEN tell him 'but honey I did nothing YOU havent done as well, why do you need details?" and see how he gives you the third degree.

That is disrespectful, what he has done, and shows what a KID he is. NO grown man with responsibilities to his wife, or kids if he has them, would do such a juvenile thing.

Dont blame the friend. Blame the man that made the commitment to you, and DONT let him get away with it.

YOU deserve respect, and you either demand it, or lose it. It is that simple. Respect yourself, and demand it from him. trust me, he wouldnt like it if the roles were reversed. Try my little experiment, and see what I mean.

[flaminbats]

28. reading these posts have almost confinced me never to marry!

first the heartbreaking story from rbnyc and now this..maybe we should rename this place General DU

[Lone_Star_Dem]

30. I don't think it matters if your married or not.

The bottom line is relationships are something that require communication and respect from all parties.

If done correctly they can be wonderful. :)

[flaminbats]

31. true...

I doubt I can help myself, let alone children or another person like me of the opposite sex, with mode swings as strong or even worse than mine!!!

If I were responsible, and certain I would never run out in a rage..maybe I could marry. But that's the problem!!!

I would likely leave my wife, children, and her parents worried for hours before returning. Thus I'm not ready for such a relationship in the near future.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

34. Very well said.

I feel it all really depends on who you are in the relationship with. We all have faults and weaknesses if you chose someone that can understand your faults and strengthen your weaknesses it all works out.

In other words, honest love in a healthy relationship makes you act and react differently. :)

[TransitJohn]

35. This is the best one-liner I have ever come up with

"I look at marriage like I look at the chickenpox, I've had it once and shouldn't get it again."

It's sad, true, and funny.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

29. Been There, Done That!

The thing with many 'evil friends' like that is that they don't want your hubby to be married. They want to cause distress in the relationship and have their buddy to run and play with. It's not a healthy friendship for your husband, and it's also not something you should put up with.

What I would do is lay down the law and stick to it. The sooner the better. Something like this if not nipped in the bud can very quickly eat the fabric of a relationship.

[Phentex]

37. I agree with this! And let me tell you....

going out with friends is no big deal but once your husband puts the friends feelings over yours, it IS something to be concerned about. Talk to him about it. Maybe he's feeling confined. Maybe he's not sure how to handle this attention he's getting from this guy. In any case, I would act on it now before something happens that you both may regret.

[Carla in Ca]

32. I agree with some of what has been said

This has nothing to do with the other person. A 'tit-for-tat' retaliation never works and revenge only makes matters worse.
The solution may not be simple or satisfactory but you must deal with it honestly.
Marriage means that you are the most important person to the other. It won't work any other way. The decisions each of you make and how you treat each other, in private or with others, shows each of you the strength of the commitment you have made. If the two of you have that bond, you know it, and all others know it, too.

[Sukie1941]

33. By the time y'all are my age (63), none of the above will matter

I got rid of only hubby 32 years ago, he hasn't change a bit other than fatter, drinks even more, still thinks he is God's gift to women, although only one at a time now, still hates dill pickles, still smokes, and...oh well, you get my drift.

[SoCalDem]

36. Important advice.. If you don't already have kids..PLEASE WAIT

This guy sounds like he got married VERY young, and is regretting the "fun" he missed out on.. It's almost as if he's punishing YOU for "holding him back" from the fun he wants to have..fun that does not include you..

Not father material, I'm afraid..

If you already have children, I would take a long hard look at what the future portends, and start building yourself an "escape fund".. If he settles down, great..you'll have a fantastic vacation 4 or 5 years down the road, or a head start on an education fund for the kid(s)..but if it just gets worse, you will have some money of your own to start over...

I have seen many young women 25-30 with a couple of kids, no money, and nowhere to go, so they end up stuck in a miserable relationship.. That's NO WAY to treat yourself..(or a kid)...

[Champ]

38. Is the friend male or female?

For me it is real easy to decide who I spend time with, I choose my g/f over my friends(even family) all the time. Unfortanately, I haven't really faced that kind of decision this week. My g/f has only called me once the past 7 days and that was last Sunday. All of sudden she has been "busy", she chose not to see me on her birthday(Nov/24) because of a minor scuffle we got into the day before. (In all honesty, I wasn't arguing, just trying to reach an understanding) On her birthday which she told me Thanksgiving she had some guy who I never met take her out to eat for her birthday, but he dropped the plans. Later that Thanksgiving day I asked her what she was doing the next day, she says "I'm busy", well in the least confrontational tone possible I say "Busy with what?"(I was trying to figure out a way where I could come see her) immediately she jumps to the defensive and says "Why do you have to know every little detail in my life?", I calmly explained(It was Thanksgiving, the last thing I wanted to do was fight) to her that all I wanted to know is what her plans were so me and her could figure out which time would be best to see each other. Somewhere in the middle of all that she interupts me, "There isn't someone else" which completely caught me offguard, I didn't even accuse or suggest there was someone else so I asked, "Where did that come from?" She says "Well most guys think there is someone else" Anyways, she is upset for the next 30 minutes meanwhile the whole time I'm putting an unbelivable effort to reach an understanding and resolving it,(very similar to how the scuffle was last Tuesday). Anyways, she advised me not to come over randomly or else she will get mad :crazy: Sorry for the personal rant, the urge to rant suddenly increased when I saw this thread. :)

But to the point, let your hubby know this kind of thing makes you upset. If he cares about you he will talk it out, listen to his point of view as well. Communication as well as feelings for each other are the most important things in keeping a relationship together. Revenge may be sweet but it isn't always the best way to handle a situation. Hope it all works out. :hug:

[Eurobabe]

39. Oh boy, probably not the response you want...

I'll tell you how we have solved these issues.

I do my own thing. Have my own friends, my own interests, he has his, and his friends. Some are single, some are married. And we have our couple friends that we love doing things with too, probably now many more couples than single friends. It all boils down to trust and respect like some others have mentioned here. If you make plans, you don't call the spouse and ditch them for something else. Not fair. What you need to do is strike a balance. Do you have friends (gals) that you go out with to the movies, etc? If not, I suggest cultivating some, soon. Guys start to realize the lack of attention when we are out with our friends, and notice pretty darn quick, they start to rearrange priorities.

Years ago, I made myself and my hubby miserable by wanting us to do everything together. It didn't work. I resented his friends. Then I realized that one person cannot possibly fulfill all the wishes of another. That's why we HAVE friends in the first place. Since that discussion many moons ago, I have cultivated many guy friends too, like the one I talk about cameras with, and the other one who I talk about hiking with or occassionally go out to dinner with, we need all kinds of friends. In addition to girlfriends.

Early in our relationship, my guy got very frustrated and said I was trying to "control" him, whether it was real or not. He has many independent hobbies, like scuba diving and motorcycling. I can't do the scuba, so I bought a motorcycle, now we do that together :). Ten years into everything, I even encourage him to go on his dive shack vacations alone (I don't like the cheapo accommodations) then we take a joint vacay somewhere together, or I go someplace on my own that he wouldn't enjoy. Honestly, I like the freedom of being able to do what I want, and thankfully he is independent enough to go along with my whims. Just had to see the wisdom in it. And it makes our time together more enjoyable. When I was 30 I could not see this. At 44 it is crystal clear.

Hope this helps. It's all about maintaining an independent full life of your own. :D

[Niccolo_Macchiavelli]

41. To me that sounds familiar...

I've been with a GF which loved me very much but i found out i'd rather had as a good friend than such a relationship. She was clamping down the more and the more i "escaped" her. Long nights, the dishonesty and ditching. The hidden "invitations" to break up.

At the last we talked with each other and made thinks clear (and broke up) but we have a closer relationship after than before.


I think he's in a similar situation(from reading your limited info). But beeing married is a chain less easy to get rid off and he wants you to do it.

All i can suggest is talking to him (no crying, no screaming)perhaps a dinner with some wine and talk things out.

Pulling the lash is IMO the worst thing to do.

Changing the locks etc on the house (is it yours alone or co-owned? rented?) would be a sure relationkiller. If you want to turn love to hatred you might consider that though.

(at least i'd consider someone who locks me out of my home my worst enemy, whom i would try to harm in any (legal) way possible.)

[gollygee]

42. That is extraordinarily disrespectful

I broke up with a boyfriend who did that to me.

The friend sounds like Matt Damon's character from The Talented Mr. Ripley.

[Nikia]

43. A couple things could be going on

First of all, you, your husband, and these friends are all young. Being just a couple years older, I know a number of single people that age. There is a big divide in attitudes between single and married. Singles that age seem to just want to go out and have fun. Many men that age see committment as restraining and women primarily for sex. Your husband's friend might not be able to comprehend why he would want to spend so much time with you when he already lives with you.
Even though these friends might not be friends who you would choose, it is good for your husband to have friends. We can't be everything for each other. Having outside friends is good for your relationship. For this to work without getting upset, it is good to be honest and arrange plans ahead of time. If he has planned something with his friends, you respect those plans. If he plans something with you, he better not break those plans either. There is nothing wrong with you doing things with his friends but only if you are comfortable. If you are not comfortable with them, don't feel obligated. You might want to cultivate your own friendships and do things with your friends also.
It is important to be honest with each other. Trust is important to marriage.

[samplegirl]

44. Find a single guy friend

and go sit right behind them!!!!!!!!

[underseasurveyor]

45. I'd gather up all my husbands dirty socks`n`underwear

Ah what the hell gather em ALL up, clean and dirty and stuff them in a bag. When the hubbie and his *ahem* friend show up, drop the laundry bag at the friends feet and tell him he better get busy washing! Tell him your husband needs his clothes cleaned and returned by Sunday night and he best get to it. Might as well throw in some sheets and towels too while you're at it.

Since he oversteps his bounds to buddy up with your husband and take your precious time away from your own husband and leave you rudely behind out of the picture, then he can damn well accept the dirty work that goes along with "the fun times.". And tough shit if he doesn't like it. AND if he doesn't like it, then he can just damn well back the fuck off. Your house, your marriage, that's your rules. :evilgrin: Then I'd be havin' a little 'chat' with the hubbie :mad:

The "friend" sounds like an arrogant, controling little fuck! :nuke:

[Politicub]

46. I say let him go

In my experience with my partner, behavior tends to worsen instead of getting better over time. I'm still with him (we've been together for ten years), but he drives me mad sometimes.

If I sound bitter its because i just got off the phone with him, and he got upset because I asked him what he's going to be up to today. Just a plain, small talk-ish kind of question.

He's in Calif. currently for the holidays. His family lives there, and he's unemployed, so he's staying there for a month. I'm genuinely curious about what's on his agenda. He says it sounds like I'm trying to orchestrate his trip. I don't think that I am, but who knows?

On the flipside, I probably drive him crazy too.

But I love him -- what can one do? :shrug:

[skygazer]

48. "Revenge" is not the answer

It's just as childish and absurd as your husband's behavior. Relationships don't work when they are based on things like getting even or taking revenge.

You need to ask your hubby point blank if he wants to be married or not because he is not acting like a man who does. It is rude and disrespectful to ignore the fact that the two of you had plans, to ditch you in favor of his friends. And the other incidents you've spoken of say that this is not an aberration.

You both need to understand what your expectations and responsibilities are in this relationship. Treating you like a live in doormat is not what you were after, I'm sure. He needs to know that. And it needs to get hammered out now before you discover that you've spent 40 years waiting for him to get home and be with you.

You're either married or you're playing house. You need to straighten out which it is. Personally, I would have told him that if that was his plan, he may as well not bother coming home.

[fluffernutter]

49. Your husband wants his cake and to eat it too-

He wants to hang with the guys like he's single, but he wants to still have you to come home to.

I don't think the other guy wants your husband in a sexual way, I just think he is young, immature, and has no respect or idea what marriage is all about. He thinks your husband was his friend first, and doesn't intend to have that friendship disrupted or changed by you.

The fact that your husband keeps letting him have his way is only making the problem worse. They BOTH need to grow up, your husband needs get his priorities straight and put you first or he will lose you eventually, imo. Not that he should never go out with his buddies, but if he already made plans with you, that is sacred.

Good luck~