There will be no draft! Mall Security of the world, UNITE!

[flvegan]

From The Onion, of course:
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4045&n=1

<snip>
Hired by the Defense Department through a number of licensed, reputable firms, the security guards will work independent of the roughly 135,000 troops currently stationed in Iraq. The guards will receive an hourly wage from the U.S. government, and they will be eligible for health and dental benefits after six months.

A test deployment of 1,000 mall security guards to Najaf in September convinced skeptical coalition officials that private-sector security forces provide a palpable sense of order.

"Iraqi patrons of mall-guard-patrolled marketplaces—the Iraqi equivalent of our nation's food courts—reported that the guards' uniformed presence was unobtrusive or even reassuring," Archibald said. "While many Iraqis are intimidated by soldiers from the U.S., they were largely able to disregard the mall security forces."

Archibald said that casualty rates for the mall security guards were only slightly higher than those among Iraqi police forces.

Bobby Adcock, 27, of Bakersfield, CA, was rejected for military service in August 2002, due to poor eyesight and excessive weight. He was hired by A-Star Security shortly thereafter, and was surprised to find himself patrolling an Iraqi bazaar in a Ford Taurus two years later.
<snip>

[Patiod]

1. God I love the Onion

[flvegan]

3. The current issue is really funny.

There's a ton of post-election comedy. Very funny.

[Aiptasia]

2. Plus it's good for twisting the death toll numbers

Less soldiers counted amongst the dead if we send in private security forces. Plus the terrorists need more hostages as bargaining chips.

[underpants]

4. Great idea! Those Iraqis will never be able to hit Gary Coleman

He's tiny