Regarding good looks, love, and sex

[rumguy]

Does it ever bother you that your significant other would probably not be with you if you were born lookin' like the elephant man/woman?

You don't even have to go that extreme to see what I mean.

I mean does love, sex have real value if it is so inherently rooted in appearance?

[tjdee]

1. Men are the visual ones, LOL, ask them.

I've seen a number of men who are not attractive with good looking ladies...or even alright ladies. Even the butt ugliest man will have at least two women who think he is smart or sweet, etc.

Not so for women. If you're an ugly woman you'd best stay at home under your bed. Or wear makeup/get surgery/expensive hair weaves or haircuts.....

[St. Jarvitude]

11. Based on stories my mom told me

There are a lot of superficial women out there than the average woman might think.

[LynzM]

2. I disagree

I think that short of perhaps the 'elephantitis' extreme, that physical appearance is not as tied to love/sex as you would make it out to be. I think most people do not end up in the long run with their absolute ideal person, physically. A friend of mine has a great phrase, "there is a big difference between the body you fall in love with, and what is basically nothing more than eye candy." I know for me, attraction has a HUGE amount to do with mental connection, attitude, humor, etc., and less to do with physical attraction. I know that sex with someone who knows me, my sense of humor, my needs, my body, is way more satisfying than someone who is very attractive physically, but does not understand those things as well. The people I've been most attracted to in my life, I would consider all to be friends. But maybe I'm just weird like that :)

[tjdee]

4. You're a woman, aren't you.

:)

[LynzM]

6. In fact :P

Is that a problem? :evilgrin: Yeah, I know, I put way too much thought into that answer, huh?

[Philostopher]

3. I have heard that, as a general rule,

sociological/psychological studies would indicate that we 'seek our own level,' as far as attractiveness goes. It's not hard and fast, but generally we rate ourselves on a scale as far as what we perceive our attractiveness to be and select our partners based on our perception of our own appeal.

I never assumd that either of my husbands chose me solely on my appearance; after all, I didn't select either of them solely on that particular trait. It was important, but not as crucial as intelligence, overall values and sense of humor.

Maybe it's being a woman, I never cared how pretty the package might have been -- if what it contained wasn't something I thought I could deal with, I didn't get very far with the whole thing.

[eyesroll]

5. There's someone out there for everyone.

That said -- a lot of sexual attraction is biological. We seek out those with whom we'd like to reproduce (don't ask me how that's going to happen between me and the girl at the vintage store -- it's an imperfect science). Sometimes that means sturdy breeding stock, or other traits we'd like to pass down to our offspring, even if those traits aren't All American Beauty Type Stuff™. Sometimes, it's non-appearence stuff like intelligence, passion, athleticism, etc.

But, statistically speaking -- 50% of the population has below-average looks. But more than 50 percent of the population ends up in long-term relationships -- and unattractive people end up with attractive people all of the time. Elephant man might find Elephant woman, or he might find Miss America.

It's been said we seek out symmetry, people who look like our parents, people who look like we want to look but don't have the metabolism/bone structure/whatever for...who knows?

I don't really know where this is going -- but it's not all rooted in traditional notions of attractiveness.

[Misunderestimator]

13. "We seek out those with whom we'd like to reproduce"

Oh dear... don't tell my girlfriend that. :D

[eyesroll]

15. Well, like I said...

Imperfect science. :D

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

16. Hey already told you I'd have your baby if I could

you come from good breedin :evilgrin:

[Misunderestimator]

17. An Italian/Jewish/Dutch/Scottish baby... could be kinda cute.

:)

[johnnie]

7. I have no SO

I don't look like the elephant man, I guess I just am not rich enough. It seems to be rooted a lot in appearance, but more in something I haven't figured out yet.
I mean..I'm a good guy .. :shrug:.

[Rhiannon12866]

8. I think so.

I worry about my appearance all the time. It may be superficial, which I never was, but the world has changed. We are all expected to look absolutely perfect. I do the best that I can with what I have.:shrug:

[Zookeeper]

9. I've heard theories that part of attraction...

is liking how someone smells, but not in a slap-on-the-Old-Spice kind of way. That it actually has to do with chemistry.

[Rhiannon12866]

22. I've heard that, as well

I think it's pheromones. I certainly know that the way a person smells affects me. That's another argument against using perfume, which I cannot abide. Besides, I have asthma and it makes me sick.:puke:

[Nikia]

10. Sometimes I wonder, but I think that we are beyond that now

I don't think that he would have started dating me if I had been significantly less attractive or heavier than when I met him. I had gotten much heavier, about 40 pounds, than when I met him though and he still thought that I was attractive. I have since lost most of that weight and he still thinks I am attractive. When I didn't get much sleep and just got up with my messy hair and bags under my eyes, I think that I look awful. He still thinks that I am attractive. He says that since he has loved me that he always sees my inner beauty. I realize that there is no reason to be insecure about my appearance with him. In the beginning though, I think that most men are drawn primarily by physical appearance. There may be other factors, but I think that it is difficult for many heavy or significantly below average women to date a "desirable" young man. Even if he does become attracted to the inner beauty of a long time aquaintance or friend, often there is social pressure for him to date more attractive women instead. That said, even the most unattractive people usually find someone.

[Lindsey]

12. Pheromes...(? on sp.) are

some kind of chemical in the body that we send off that supposedly makes people attracted to each other. That's why we sometimes think we should be attracted to certain people and for some reason aren't and we can't figure out why.

[Rhiannon12866]

26. Pheromones

I think that they're what determine attraction, as well. I said this in reply #22.:shrug:

[Renew Deal]

14. I wouldn't be with her if she looked like the elephant man/woman.

So no. It's not all about appearence. My girlfriend is great and she didn't come off some runway.

[Ivan Sputnik]

18. What about

someone who "lets themself go" after you marry them? I think that indicates lack of respect for both themselves and their partner.

[partygirl]

25. but what if they

have lots of children or something? I know guys that get all upset because their wife is no longer a size two, but she has had 3 or 4 children and they just do not understand that a woman's body is never quite the same after that. Some men just cannot accept it when their perfect 10 becomes a 6 or a 7 and these women still look plenty good. I think some guys just want a trophy to show off.

[Digit]

19. My era lost alot of men to Vietnam

The good ones are gone, or of a different persuasion.
But, my ex is available! He is intelligent, a republican (I know those two don't go together), well-off, obnoxious, fat, sloppy, and a nasty psychopath with no friends or significant others.
Sure had me fooled in the beginning.
I was lucky to get away with my life.
No wonder I don't date anymore.

[rasputin1952]

20. Well, I've been told I'm OK to handsome; but I've been told I'm...

as ugly as a sack of dog crap too.

Love has always burned me, (or I've burned it).

Sex....Right, I haven't had sex in so long, I'd be surprised if I could recall all of the situations that could get me there.

For me, a woman that is intelligent, loving of life, well read, understanding, compassionate, passionate, and thinking; far outweighs anything she might look like. Sure, looks have their place, but who wants a mannequin to talk to?

Just be yourself, either you will attract people or repel them; but as l;ong as you are yourself, you are honest, all else pales...:)

[rbnyc]

21. For a very sexy girl,

I am pretty much fat and ugly. But I've always been well loved. Attitude and chemistry have a huge impact on perception. Seriously, objectively, I'm a total dog, but everyone who's ever loved me thinks I'm beautiful.

[partygirl]

23. its funny, when I was in

junior high I was geeky looking and none of the guys would look at me (glasses, braces on my teeth, skinny). Then I made a few changes (not an extreme make-over just a few changes) the braces came off, I filled out, and I got contacts. I am pretty much drop dead gorgeous now (not trying to be a jerk just honest). And I get men drooling over me and hitting on me wherever I go even to the market or the laundry room. But they are so shallow and don't care anything about ME. I think I had more real friends when I was uglier looking. And I have a lot of resentment against men. Because they all seem to just be interested in using me. But I still like going out and having a good time. I think looks are a weird thing. People judge on them and not the person inside. And if you are good looking enough, no one even cares about the person inside. You'll hate me for this, but the guys I have liked the most have been fundy types (yeah--usually RWers) even though I have no religion at all. I am just more attracted to people who are interested in talking about SOMETHING besides guys bodies and girls bodies...I feel like they care a little more about the real me too.

[SarahB]

27. I can relate to an extent.

I think I'm older than you, but there have been times in my life where I looked so-so and other times I'd venture to say I looked a bit better than average. While I wouldn't presume to say I'm some perfect specimen that every strait dude would want, I'd venture to say I'm looking reasonably fine these days. It's strange as well because I'm going to be single again soon for the first time since I was 18 years old. I've noticed that I get plenty of double takes, but the ones who have blatantly hit on me are either married ones or just players. Both with my husband and my one semi-serious relationship before him, I had to make the first move. Both described me as feeling like I'd be "out of their league". I tend to be more attracted to the more quiet, kind, intellectual types, but on most occasions, they are the ones least likely to approach me. I really don't look forward to going back to weeding through assholes again, but for the most part (exceptions of course), that's what I seem to attract.

[Misunderestimator]

28. Fundy types? You poor thing... and Welcome to DU!

[Wapsie B]

24. Appearance has a lot to say

about who you'll be with relationship-wise and career-wise also. I remember seeing studies on the career advancement potential of very handsome men as opposed to those average or below lookers. Handsome guys won out much of the time, along with average-looking women. Remember this is just a researcher giving their educated guess, but it was thought that gorgeous women got where they are by sleeping their way to the top. So the hot babes weren't to be trusted.

But the pheromone part of sexual attraction is interesting.