"This Bloke Came up to Me..."

[dolo amber]

Derek = Dudley Moore

Clive = Peter Cook (In Americanese, the Priest from "The Princess Bride"... which is sad, but anyway...)




DEREK:
I'll tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and .....
CLIVE:
What, Tony Newley?
DEREK:
No, no, I don't know who it was, and he said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "What?" He said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah. And you replied, "You fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, .....
DEREK:
And then he said .....
CLIVE:
..... what'd he come back with?
DEREK:
He come back. He says-, he said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "You calling me ..... "
CLIVE:
You're joking! He said, "You fucking cunt"?
DEREK:
He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a cunt, you fucking c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
I should hope so, "you fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I s-, I said, "You fucking cunt", I said, "You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
I should say so.
DEREK:
I said, "You f-", I said, "You cunt". I said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "Who you fucking calling 'cunt', cunt?"
CLIVE:
Yeah, what did he say, cunt?
DEREK:
He said, "You fucking cunt!"
CLIVE:
Well, you fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?
DEREK:
Well, what d'you fu-, what d'you fucking think, mate, I fucking de-, defending my fucking self, weren't I?
CLIVE:
Well, no, he come up to you, call you "cunt", .....
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
..... that's fair enough, what he said, "you fucking cunt", and you said back to him, "you fucking fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I sa-, well, .....
CLIVE:
Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"
DEREK:
Well, I don't-, I don't expect nothing, do I?
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
But the f-, the cunt come back with, "you fucking cunt", cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, Christ, .....
DEREK:
I said, "You cunt?" I said, "You calling me a fucking cunt .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... You fucking-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
Jesus Christ, yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "You-", I said, "You, you fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah, what-
DEREK:
I said, like that.
CLIVE:
You said it like that, did you, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... to him, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... or was he gone by then?
DEREK:
No, he fucking hit me. Fu-
CLIVE:
Hit you, did he?
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking cunt.
CLIVE:
Killed you dead, did he?
DEREK:
Nah, he-, he fucking hit me. I said, I said, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?
DEREK:
I said, "You, you rotter".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And he-, he went off.
CLIVE:
Did he?
DEREK:
And he said, "You cunt" again.
CLIVE:
Well, 't's the only way to deal with him, 'init?
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn't I?
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you had to, didn't you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn't you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".
DEREK:
Oh no .....
CLIVE:
And I thought, "Christ!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello", .....
DEREK:
Provocative fucker.
CLIVE:
..... fucking provocative.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
I said, "What d'you mean, 'hello'?" And, do you know what he came back with?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He said, erm, "I just meant, 'hello'" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... right, for a starter, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... 'ere, get in this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!"
DEREK:
I-, yeah, like he comes in with 'hello' and then goes out with 'euuughh'.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!" and I kicked his fucking teeth in!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "Fucking hell! .....
DEREK:
I said, "This is fucking too much", eh?
CLIVE:
..... Don't you fucking 'Aaaghh' me!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I really kicked his ear in, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, d'you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I'm dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn't going to be, you know, put upon in that way.
DEREK:
You weren't going to be dictacted to, were you?
CLIVE:
Well, no, why should I be dictated to?
DEREK:
No, exactly, no.
CLIVE:
By some cunt who says 'euuughh!'
DEREK:
Yeah, preceding it with 'hello'!
CLIVE:
Yeah. 'Hello' was the worst thing, that's what got me going.
DEREK:
Fucking cunt, yeah, what a cunt.
CLIVE:
What a cunt, eh?

[blondeatlast]

1. I loved Peter Cook, even had a crush on him as the Devil

in "Bedazzled."

For DUers who haven't eseen the original, it's a freaking riot.

[dolo amber]

2. Love, love, LOVE

Peter Cook!! :D:D:D:D

"Tragically, I was an only twin"...

Genius. :D

[mac56]

3. "Bedazzled" is an amazing movie.

The original, of course.

Much as I like Brandon Fraser, I thought the remake sucked ass.

[miss_kitty]

4. i have it on tape, i love it. didn't bother w/ the remake

i was shocked when i was reading the credits once to find 'Envy' was played by Barry Humphries, Dame Edna's Alter Ego.

i also have 'Beyond the Fringe' tapes with Moore, Cook, Jonathon Miller (A Very Smart Man) and Alan Bennett (writer, credits incl 'The Madness of King George')-60s funnies