How do I break up with my girlfriend

[DrZhivago]

without summoning the gods of war. We're both unhappy with each other, but alas, we live together and have many things like finances and such tied up. We live far away from our families and are geographically bound to where we live due to school and jobs. Things however haven't been going well.

We fight more frequently and it always revolves around money (lack thereof) and her insistance on getting married ASAP. I am fed up and can't stand how stressful she is over things that she has no control over.

Oh yeah and then there's the fact we love each other but somehow love and happiness don't always co-exist.

[Dookus]

1. Have you tried counseling?

If you do in fact love each other, it may be worth taking that small step before breaking up.

[WindRavenX]

5. I second this

It sounds like it's more of a "thing" problem then a "people" problem...if that makes sense.

[DrZhivago]

8. please do explain

[WindRavenX]

17. ok...

You said that you guys still love each other. That to me seems to say that you both are fine with one another as people and care about one another; the problems aren't because of character flaws or issues of personality, which usually cause people to break up.
It seems like her actions is what are causing you to contemplate breaking up- but those actions aren't necessarily because of the *person*.
The bottom line is, it's possible to work out the issues...
Does that make sense?

[revree]

2. Just be honest, and be kind.

That's the best you can do.

[MrScorpio]

3. The point isn't breaking up with your girlfriend

The point is for her to call it off

Think about that

[shanti]

7. ooh, you're slick

;-)...turned it right back to her.

[Cheswick2.0]

41. Do not follow this advice

that is just cruel and gutless.
I had someone do that to me and it was horrendous.

[PinkTiger]

4. Sounds to me like she wants out.

Why don't you be a gentleman and let her leave?
When women try to force a guy to commit, it means they are ready to break up or change the dynamics of the relationship.
You should not have moved in together and tied up your finances without a true emotional committment, which obviously you didn't make.
Offer to submit to mediation over a division of property, make the transition painless and easy, and exit.
Like Paul Simon said, "Just drop off the key, Lee... and make yourself free. "

[DrZhivago]

6. trust me I'm not holding her down

it sounds about right though, she either wants to get married or break up. She's on the biological clock thing, but as far as I'm concerned I can't win.

[Joylaughter]

10. The chairs are on the table

Out the door. You got to physically leave. Then you got to ask her what's fair financially and then see if its what matches your perception. Shared debts? Make a schedule and do the right thing. First get out. Get some distance between you. Good luck. Sad to hear. Hope you both find happiness.

[Rowdyboy]

9. The truth: You're not NEARLY ready to get married...She is....Be honest

because she deserves it. Tell her and allow her the option of telling you to get the fuck out. She deserves that too. Then you'll both start over and have a minuscule chance at happiness.

Or, you could just bite the bullet and marry her. Worse things have happened. Whatever.

[DrZhivago]

15. youre right

I'm not ready at all. She, however, was one of these I'm never getting married types when we first started dating, and now its the only thing on her mind.

[Rowdyboy]

18. Women can be funny that way...being gay, I look at things from a rather

weird angle. I'm in a 15 year monogamous relationship with my best friend and a piece of paper from the government wouldn't make it one whit more or less important. However, we're not likely to make a baby, accidentally or intentionally. God knows we certainly don't want one, but it is a factor for straight couples to deal with constantly.

I'm sure she wants to be comfortable with you, and to trust you to be the father of her children. Until you're FULLY ready for that major role, you should back off. There are way too many kids running around without full-time dads. Wait till you're really ready.

[Yupster]

11. Sounds like she wants to get married

Either get married or break up. If you don't want to get married and she does, you're wasting her time.

Be the bad guy. Take the blame for the break-up. She'll be glad you did.

[raysr]

12. 50 ways

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

13. Split up your finances

it saved our marriage. Seriously. Separate checking accounts, separate savings accounts, one shared savings account.

This bill is yours to pay, this bill is mine, this one is yours, this one is mine. Divvy 'em up.

Then whatever you have left over after you pay your bills is YOURS and you can do with what you will. Whatever she has left over after she pays her bills is HERS and can do with what she will.

No fuss, no issues. Money is such a non-existent issue for us now. Make the bills make sense--ie: I got my cell phone bill, he got his, I pay the water and electric because he goes crazy if a light is on two seconds too long, he pays the DirectTV because I don't care if we have dish or not, etc.

It was a life saver. Once you get that issue taken care of, you can work on others, like the marriage thing. But at least THAT is out of the way so you can focus on the rest. And if you do end up splitting up anyway, at least your finances are untangled from each other already.

[2Design]

24. wow what great insights.....

[Nordic]

27. that works great until the lights go out

and you find out she never paid the electric bill.

:)

[Wickerman]

14. I second the counseling

If you two are truly in love, then you would be making a big mistake to give it up because you are fighting. See if you can get around it -get some help to do so. If it works, its worth it. If it doeswn't work, then you have your way out.

Its not easy to find the one you love. It isn't that easy to let them go, either. Make sure you are letting the right girl go.

[DrZhivago]

20. I think I will give counseling a try

if anything for the experience.

See I just layed down with her for two seconds and my eyes teared up because I realized how much I love, then I'm quickly reminded how tomorrow she'll most likely shatter my nerves with some irrational confrontation and I'm back to where I started.

[Wickerman]

21. Good luck man

give a good try - it really suck latre in life to realize you gave up too easy - when you are young you think you will fall in love again and again - it isn't always that way.

[Poiuyt]

23. Good choice - and if she doesn't want to, then go alone

I know how you feel. Sometimes knowing what you have in an imperfect relationship is better than the unknown of breaking up.

Good luck

[Nordic]

26. You GOTTA try the counseling first

I'm 43, I've been through it. You owe it to yourself, and to her, and to, well, your life, to at least try the counseling.

At the very least you might start down a path of your own enlightenment.

It takes two to fuck up a relationship. You need to understand your own part in this.

[Poiuyt]

16. Have you talked with her about breaking up?

I think you two need a heart to heart. It's not fun, but you need to be honest with her. Tell her exactly what you told us.

And remember Ann Lander's advice: Are you better of with her or without her?

[shraby]

19. Have you examined why you

don't want to get married?

[DrZhivago]

22. yes

here they go

a. I'm not financially ready

b. I don't feel I've fully sown my oats (being with different women, backpacking through europe, etc.) yeah its childish but honesty is my weakness

c. If she gets on my nerves like this now, imagine when we're married with children

[2Design]

25. if you are not over 30....your right.......there is plenty of time

go back packing to europe etc.....because if you marry, then the next push will be kids and you will not get to do europe....

you are at a crossroads. sometimes there is a stop sign. So stop. and decide what road do you want to go down now.

one will take you into deeper commitment and responsibility
the other will leave you alone and free

[Yupster]

28. Sounds like you're giving this much serious thought

Don't rush into marriage, but get your own place.

[Swamp Rat]

33. Don't listen to my advice

But I did the backpacking thing around the USA and Europe, got married and was miserable for 5 years (much the same way that you describe - and it got worse), then I got a divorce, traveled the world and have been happy with my freedom ever since. My current girlfriend lives in Brasil, thousands of miles away.

You will NOT regret backpacking around Europe and meeting all kinds of new women!

[Nikia]

45. Break up with her if you feel the need to be with other women

I always think that it is weird that is why some men who are in long term relationships don't want to marry. As long as they are in the long term relationship they don't experience that goal and thus waste the time of the woman hoping to be their wife. If you had that in mind, it would have been better to break up with her before making any kind of emotional committment including moving in together. My husband hadn't been with other women before me, but married me anyway because he thought that I was the best thing that happened to him even if he hadn't gotten to sleep with other women. I, myself, was just beginning to realize that I was somewhat attractive when I met my husband and may have enjoyed pursuing some other hot guys who weren't really interested in relationships, but I stayed in a relationship with him and married because I would lose him forever if I had broken it off. We were both 19 when we started dating and 22 when we married. It is up to you, of course. Your other alternatives are to have a one night stand for the experience and see how you feel (I personally think that it is a bit immoral but some people who do actually realize that such an experience wasn't all that great and stay in their relationship and never cheat again) or get some counseling about the issue.
If you feel the need to take some solitary or with friends type vacation, perhaps you still could do that regardless if you get married or not. Last fall, I let my husband go on a one week vacation to Amsterdam with a friend. Many couples let their spouses take such trips. I realize since you are not in a good financial position that you probably won't be backpacking in Europe anytime soon, but a short vacation away from her could help.
If you are already living together away from your families (unless either of your families is giving you an allowance that would end if you married) getting married won't change your financial situation much unless you choose it to be that way. Sometimes the wedding event can be expensive, but it doesn't have to be unless she is demanding a big diamond and a big lavish ceremony. There is nothing to say that you have to have children right away. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years and have decided not to have children yet. Yes people ask us if and when we are going to have children, but depending on you ages, it might be beneficial for your relationship to wait at leat a couple years after marriage before trying for pregnancy.
You might want to go to counseling as several people suggested if you decide that this relationship is worth it. Often people fight because they aren't communicating well. Some people read implied messages into things too that aren't really what the other party meant. For example, she might think that you are implying that you don't love her when you say that you don't want to marry her.

[bearfan454]

47. You aint shitting buddy

If she's nagging now, it could only get worse.

[onebigbadwulf]

29. Oh god dont go to counciling! Break up with her in a note

or something. Say "look we're both unhappy and in bad financial situations. We need to seperate and get our lives straightened out."

[shanti]

37. a note?

no, that would be wimping out.

[JVS]

38. That's why it would ROCK!

[shanti]

39. c'mon

man up, dude!

[neuvocat]

30. Smother her so she dumps you.

You should also start being really, really nice. She'll be so revolted that she can't go through the door fast enough.

[DrWeird]

31. Sleep with her sister.

Works every time.

[neuvocat]

32. That's a good one!!!

Better yet, ask her to do a threesome with her and her sister.

[JVS]

36. 4 some, get the mom involved

:-)

[soothsayer]

34. sit down like grown-ups and say "something's not working here---we

fight all the time and I'm feeling all this pressure about getting married when i'm not ready to---so let's figure out what we can do about this cuz I sure don't want it to continue like this, do you?"

And then talk about things, and cry, and work it out. With counseling if necessary.

She might be pushing for marriage cuz she feels you pulling away, you know.

Good luck! See if you guys can figure out to be happy and get thru this rough patch.

[JVS]

35. Get caught having sex with some new partners

[jackieforthedems]

40. As Long As There Are No Kids Involved

Just listen to Paul Simon's, "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" and take your pick. If you're really that miserable, staying is the harder part.

[radwriter0555]

42. First, you rent a new apartment. Then, you tell her you've done it, then

on moving day, you move your things out.

You stay calm, act rationally and act kindly. You loved this woman, but for right now, you're not doing well, so it's time to make a break, nicely, politely and properly.

This is change and growth.

[DrZhivago]

46. this is the best idea so far

that is what I'm planning. I wish I could get her to move out cuz I love our apartment, but I'm looking for a place, and I was gonna keep it a secret.

Although I'm still backpacking through europe after grad school indefinitely.

[burythehatchet]

43. Just slip out the back, jack.

[AngryAmish]

44. If you have made your mind up

Have several "constitutionals" before you do it. It always seems that my ex-girlfriends wanted to do a big, long post-mortem. It takes several hours. Boy, did I wish I could have been less sober when they happened.

They always want to know the reason, but if I told them the truth they would be crushed. So ya gotta say some BS like "I'm not ready" or "I can't be who you want me to be".