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Monty Python's Flying Circus - "Cheese Shop" < from Monty Python's Flying Circus, third season, first shown 30.11.1972 >
The Players: John Cleese - Mousebender; Michael Palin - Wensleydale;
The Scene: An Edwardian-style shop which carries the signs: 'Ye Olde Cheese Emporium'; 'Henry Wensleydale, Purveyor of Fine Cheese to the Gentry and the Poverty Stricken Too'; 'Licensed for Public Dancing'; Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki. Mousebender enters.
MOUSEBENDER: Good Morning.
WENSLEYDALE: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, thank you my good man.
WENSLEYDALE: What can I do for you, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
WENSLEYDALE: Peckish, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Esurient.
WENSLEYDALE: Eh?
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent)Â Eee I were all hungry, like.
WENSLEYDALE: Ah, hungry.
MOUSEBENDER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
WENSLEYDALE: Come again?
MOUSEBENDER: I want to buy some cheese.
WENSLEYDALE: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
WENSLEYDALE: Sorry?
MOUSEBENDER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent)Â Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
WENSLEYDALE: So he can go on playing, can he?
MOUSEBENDER: Most certainly. Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
WENSLEYDALE: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
MOUSEBENDER: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
WENSLEYDALE: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
WENSLEYDALE: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh on Monday.
MOUSEBENDER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
WENSLEYDALE: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?
WENSLEYDALE: Sorry, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Red Windsor?
WENSLEYDALE: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
MOUSEBENDER: Ah. Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE: Sorry.
MOUSEBENDER: Emmental? Gruyère?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Liptauer?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Lancashire?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: White Stilton?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Danish Blue?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Double Gloucester?
WENSLEYDALE: ..... No.
MOUSEBENDER: Cheshire?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Dorset Blue Vinney?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Bresse-Bleu, Boursin?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Camembert, perhaps?
WENSLEYDALE: Ah! We have Camembert, yes sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do! Excellent.
WENSLEYDALE: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit runny.
MOUSEBENDER: Oh, I like it runny.
WENSLEYDALE: Well, it's very runny, actually, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la Belle France! M-mmm!
WENSLEYDALE: I think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
WENSLEYDALE: Oh .....
MOUSEBENDER: What now?
WENSLEYDALE: The cat's eaten it.
MOUSEBENDER: Has he?
WENSLEYDALE: She, sir. (pause)
MOUSEBENDER: Gouda?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Edam?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Caithness?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Smoked Austrian?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Japanese Sage Darby?
WENSLEYDALE: No, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You do have some cheese, do you?
WENSLEYDALE: Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got .....
MOUSEBENDER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
WENSLEYDALE: Fair enough.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Wensleydale?
WENSLEYDALE: Yes?
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
WENSLEYDALE: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr Wensleydale, that's my name. (pause)
MOUSEBENDER: Greek Feta?
WENSLEYDALE: Ah, not as such.
MOUSEBENDER: Er, Gorgonzola?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Parmesan?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Mozzarella?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Pippo Crème?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Danish Fimboe?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Czech sheep's milk?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?.
WENSLEYDALE: Not today, sir, no. (pause)
MOUSEBENDER: Ah, how about Cheddar?
WENSLEYDALE: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
WENSLEYDALE: Not round here, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: And what is the most popular cheese round here?
WENSLEYDALE: Ilchester, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
WENSLEYDALE: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it.
WENSLEYDALE: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: I see. Ah, Ilchester, eh?
WENSLEYDALE: Right, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
WENSLEYDALE: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
MOUSEBENDER: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
WENSLEYDALE: Finest in the district, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
WENSLEYDALE: Well, it's so clean, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
WENSLEYDALE: You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Is it worth it?
WENSLEYDALE: Could be.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
WENSLEYDALE: (To dancers)Â Told you so.
MOUSEBENDER: Have you got any Limburger?
WENSLEYDALE: No.
MOUSEBENDER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
WENSLEYDALE: Yes, sir?
MOUSEBENDER: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
WENSLEYDALE: Yes, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Really? (pause)
WENSLEYDALE: No. Not really, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: You haven't.
WENSLEYDALE: No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
WENSLEYDALE: Right-O, sir.
MOUSEBENDER: (Shoots him)Â What a senseless waste of human life.
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