Things not to say to the arresting officer

[Bossy Monkey]

I'll start:
Do Breathalyzers test for crystal meth?
Men who have to carry guns are pussies.

How about yours?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

1. Is that a baton in your pocket or are you just happy

to see me officer?

[GoneOffShore]

2. Does your mommy know you're

out playing policeman?

[coloradodem2005]

3. Yes officer. I'm home. Take me drunk.

n/t

[The Spirit of JFK]

4. Let me get my Indian chief costume on and THEN you can cuff me!

[Birthmark]

5. Didn't I used to date your daughter?

Man, was she easy! :puke:

[Endangered Specie]

29. Man, I rode her like a '57 Chevy!

[Mz Pip]

6. My son spent a few hours

"detained" by the police for singing the COPS song to them when he was stopped with an unopened bottle of beer. He was 19 so I didn't find out about until a couple of years later.

I am so glad he outgrew his smart ass self. :crazy:

MzPip
:dem:

[riverwalker]

7. I can't sit in the back seat

because I'll squash those little green Elves.

[Sporadicus]

8. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in n/t

[No2W2004]

9. Hold my beer

while I get my licence.

[MrScorpio]

10. Drunk Guy: "Hey, Officer, how tall are you?"

Cop: "Six foot two. Why do you ask?"

Drunk Guy: "I didn't know that they could stack shit that high."

[Poiuyt]

11. Are you being authoritative to overcome some kind of

sexual inadequacy?

[mermaid]

12. Say....

Don't I pay your salary??
You're a public servant...Get me a glass of water!!
You pinheaded prick!!
You're holding me up, Jack...
I got people waiting for me, man
I got a trunkful of heroin, get the FUCK outta my way!!

Cop: do you know how fast you were going?
You: Well, apparently not fast enough, because you caught me!!

[richmwill]

13. "How should I know how fast I was going?...

...I'm too drunk to read the speedometer!"

[Zorro]

14. Hey Barney

Show me your bullet.

[mermaid]

16. OH!!!

That reminded me of a true story from when I was a kid...

At the time, we lived in a Chicago suburb called Richton Park.

There was one real prick cop who hated my whole family...don't ask me why, but he did.
Once, he pulled over my dad....pointed a gun in his face, and yelled at him to drop the cigarette!
His favorite hiding place to get speeders was under an old weeping willow tree.
One day, my mom and I were heading home, and this asshole busted us for not having a village sticker on our car (this was a stupid fucking ten-dollar tag, that amounted to basically a recieot showing you had paid your tax)

Well, he comes, along with his partner for the day...Detective Kreitzer, who was friendly with our family.

Well, my mom saw Cremens (the prick) and Kreitzer coming in the mirror, so she rolled down the window and called back...

"Well, if it ain't Roscoe P. Cotrane and company!!"

Understand, the year before Cremens somehow managed to get voted cop-of-the-year...
Well, Kreitzer damn near lost it.

Anyway, a couple weeks later, Kreitzer was at our house, on break, he'd stopped by to see our angel fish...we bred them, my mom, at the time, owned a pet store...and we had tanks and tanks of angel fish at the house...
Kreitzer radioed in his location...and Cremens comes back over the radio..."do you need a backup?"
Kreitzer replied back, over the radio..."No, Roscoe, I'm lookng at fish!"

Anyway, make a long stpry shprt, this former Cop-of-the-year, who was a severe mental case...ended up getting laughed off the force with the nickname "Roscoe!"

Last we heard the guy was driving a fucking beer truck for a living!

LOL!!

[GhostThatWalks]

15. No. You assume the position.

[Stew225]

17. By the way, sir, how are things down at

Dunkin Donuts?

[AspenRose]

20. Cop: "Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

Busted person: "Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

[Bossy Monkey]

36. Reminds me of the "Bad cop! No donut!" bumper stickers

for people who never EVER speed, and who maintain their car perfectly at all times.

[LiberalTechie1337]

18. "I couldn't know how fast I was going...

...the damn speedometer stops working past 90"

[ForrestGump]

19. I love a man in uniform

My tonfa's bigger than yours.

Please, officer, don't hit me any more! (works best within Los Angeles County and will reach optimal effectiveness with higher personal levels of melanism).

[bo44]

21. You look like one of he morons from Reno 911

[ChoralScholar]

22. What was more dangerous

Me going 5 miles/hour over the speed limit

OR

YOU recklessly endangering many motorists by pulling onto the interstate from the MEDIAN which is technically ILLEGAL, and then weaving in and out of traffic at 80 miles per hour so you can get behind me and turn on your blue lights, which creates a rubbernecking TRAFFIC HAZARD just so you can give me a ticket?

------------------------------------------
This one I did say:

Officer: Driving without a license plate light is against the law sir.

Me: So is driving without your headlights so you can see burned out license plate lights.

-The fucker got behind me, and TURNED OFF HIS GODDAMN HEADLIGHTS so he could find a reason to pull me over. WTF?
------------------------------------------

I have less respect for police officers every day. Not less respect for the law, just the vultures that lay in wait to stop people in a speed trap, or look for other reasons to generate revenue for a town.

[Guy Fawkes]

23. What? I was going WAY too fast to be seen!

[mark11727]

24. Bumper Sticker:

HELL YES I'M DRUNK! DID YOU THINK I WAS A STUNT DRIVER?

[Endangered Specie]

25. Yeah, its got a Hemi, how about your cop car?

[Endangered Specie]

26. $125? Is THAT the best you can do? pussy!

[Endangered Specie]

27. Sir, the light was "elevated alert status"

[Endangered Specie]

28. "Oh, MY breath smells like alcohol? yours smells like a doughnut shop!"

[sasquatch]

30. You get out the lawbooks and show me where it says...

that it's illegal to steal a ice cream truck and sell drugs out of it in front of an elementry school.

[Nevernose]

31. Meth lab? Go fuck yourself and go fuck the horse you rode in on

Personally, I've made many, many of the mistakes mentioned in this thread. :evilgin: No one ever accused me of being smart, merely motivated.

Kids: don't take drugs, they make you stupid.

[VOX]

32. "Hi. Gimme two cheeseburgers and some onion rings. And NO mayo on those!"

:evilgrin:

[DoNotRefill]

33. hold me!

eom

[DoNotRefill]

34. hold me!

My guns are bigger than your guns.

If the Jackboot fits, WEAR IT!!!


Weird...sorry 'bout the duplicate post, my machine is doing something strange...

[REP]

35. "Guns OR Drugs or Guns AND Drugs?"

I knew someone who actually asked that.

[Magrittes Pipe]

37. Why am I driving?

Well, I'm too damn drunk to walk!

[Magrittes Pipe]

38. Thank God you're not O.J.

I hear he's been looking for me.


:nuke: