How Does Your Outlook On Life Change Once You Have Kids?

[THUNDER HANDS]

Just curious. Not that I knocked up anyone or am planning on being a daddy anytime soon.

Just curious. If any DU mommies and daddies out there have any stories about how having children changed your outlook or preception of the world, I'd like to hear.

:)

[carpediem]

1. changes completely

Before having children I was much more selfish in my outlook. How things affect me. Now, I look ahead at how it will affect my kids. Where we live is a result of what is best for the kids, not for me and my husband, although we love it too. Good schools and great outdoor recreation activities.

That is why I am so upset by what is going on with this administration. I think they have severely damaged the quality of life my kids will experience later in their lives. Hopefully, this scandal will continue to grow and force this admin out of office in the next election. I'm scared though because I'm starting to see panic in their eyes - cornered animals are the most dangerous.

[Chuckup]

5. I no longer want a large family!

:-)

[Drifter]

2. It is fun ...

to listen to people (who don't have children), talk about people who have children (who are probably misbehaving).

You hear things like:
My kids will never do that
I would never let that happen
People who can't control their children should leave them (or stay) home.

There is an Urban (Legend) Belief that kids act exactly the way a parent wants them too. Having children definitely changes this notion. Kids act like ... well ... KIDS.

Every child is GREAT. Every child has moments where their behavior is less than desirable.

Now if I see a situation where someone elses child is acting out, I certainly have more sympathy for the parent.

Cheers
Drifter

[vi5]

3. In some ways a lot....in others not at all....

What I find weirdest is that I've become more of an "angry young man" again at age 34 and the parent of a 19 month old daughter, then I had been for probably the past 7 or 8 years or so. I had mellowed a whole lot after meeting my wife and getting married. I had learned to let a lot of the bad in the world slide by me. In general this made me a happier, healthier person. But now with a daughter i can no longer do that. She has energized me and made my anger focused.

As for lifestyle, my wife and I actually go out more now that we are parents then we did for a few years before. Because we actually make time to. Even if it's once a week going out for dinner or to a movie. Before the baby we always made excuses. But now we make "dates" again. Of course we are so lucky to have willing babysitters in the families we both have close to us so I'm sure we are not the norm example in this case. And for the first year or so things are not too bad because kids don't do much in that time except eat and cry and sit and sleep. They can't move much. But once they start crawling and walking you are on your toes every single waking minute. It's very difficult at times.

Overall though the biggest change is that every day when I come home there is this gloriously happy little girl, untainted by the world around her, who squeals with delight and happiness when I walk through the door. The joy I get when I hear her yell "Daddy! Daddy!" is comparable to no other feeling I've experienced in life.

[asjr]

4. kids

The first thing that happens when you have children is worry more. I have always felt God put parents on earth to worry. Everything changes. Children are the most wonderful experience in the world. They come first.

[booksenkatz]

6. Here's how it has been for me

My dh and I waited 14 years before even trying to have a child. We wanted to have fun and freedom as long as we could, LOL! But we also knew that it would be a big financial investment, and it was a decision we did not take lightly. I was almost 39 when my son was born in Aug. 1999. At the time, I was pretty liberal, but now I find myself swinging further to the left with each passing year! For example, since becoming a mom, I have finally come around to totally rejecting the death penalty. And while I was always a compassionate person, I now am to the point that I feel the entire world's pain and have to be careful what I watch or read. If I hear anything about animal or child abuse that I can't do anything about, I have to turn away. It just hurts too much... more than before I had a child. It's like becoming a mom ripped my heart out and gave it legs and now it's over there walking around and getting into my kitchen cabinets, y'know? The pain and the joy are sometimes too much to bear. It feels raw.

I worry about my son's future here in America. Sometimes I wonder what I've brought him into the world for. I don't think his life is going to be as easy as mine has been, which is sad, because you always like to think your son is going to have it better. (Thank you to GW Bush and to the apathetic sleepwalkers who keep him in power.)

Interestingly, having a child has not changed my feelings about spirituality, at least not yet. I always thought it would, but it hasn't. I have always been 50/50 about God, sometimes I think he/she/it is real, sometimes I don't. I'm a very spiritual person, though, as ever. My son is almost 4 now and is asking lots of questions about God and death and spirituality, so it's starting to get really interesting! I have told him that God is a force, like the wind, and it is all-knowing and all-loving, and that the force is looking out for him. (Star Wars?) Am not sure if I believe it myself, but I like to hope it's true, and I think it helps a kid to have some feeling that there's something greater than himself. Maybe my son will end up on an eternal quest on this issue, as I've been.

The good news is that even at this young age, my son is exhibiting pure liberal tendencies, which makes me happy. He is so compassionate and caring and interested in the welfare of others, heck, he never even pulls the cat's tail. Very non-violent. Loves to read and talk about ideas.

Sorry to ramble, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll be interested in seeing others' responses.

[The Backlash Cometh]

7. A story of what parenthood will do to you:

The other day, my teenage daughter picked up an old, old passport of mine and held it up to my face. After a while she said, "You're right, mom. I was hard on you."

Now, when she starts giving me a hard time, I remind her of what she said. It seems to work.

[davsand]

8. It changed my ambitions.

Up to the point where I had to go on bedrest to have our daughter, I was in the book industry. I'd been a manger, a buyer and finally, a sales rep. I loved it, and I loved the thrill of the sale. I was on a track to be a corporate horse. Spending that entire third trimester in bed unable to do anything except go to the bathroom, I had a lot of time to think. I began to wonder just what I was accomplishing in life.

My husband is a very intelligent man who has devoted his entire life and energies to social justice issues. One of the things that I admired most about him when we met was his passion and the fact that he "walked the walk". He was making a lot less cash, but he sure was making a difference in the world. I'd told him any number of times not to worry--that I'd make enough to support us all since non-profit work really can't pay what corporate whoredom does...

Once I held our daughter, I looked at that little face and I knew that I damn well wanted it to be a better world for her than what it was (is). There was no way I could feel ok about earning money selling, and there was no way I was going back out on the road again. I will never forget holding her the night she was born and telling her that I was gonna do everything I could to make her world a good one. I intend to live up to that promise.

I took a job as a bookkeeper for a non-profit as soon as I was allowed to go back to work. Even that wasn't "helping" enough to make me feel ok about leaving her to go to work, so I took a job with an agency that worked statewide to organize volunteer legal programs for poor people. I stayed there until we lost our funding and were forced to close. From there, I went into Government.

I can't say that my time in office was a failure--in fact we did a lot to change things. We had such an impact that, soon, I'll be able to show you guys an article in one of the big dailies about what I was up to. (The article is currently with the Front Page Editor and will probably hit in a few weeks. I need to find somebody with an online account because they make you pay for an online subscription.)

Our daughter is a huge gift, and probably one of the best things I've ever done in my life. She definately was responsible for my change in viewpoints.

Laura

[trof]

9. Does it ever!

And it starts with the pregnancy, for both of you.
Then the labor and delivery. I have never been so frightened/anxious in my life.
"please, PLEASE, P L E A S E let him/her (we didn't know in 1971) be perfect with 10 fingers and 10 toes and the nose in the right place and both ears and on and on and on..."

And then there she was and she was...PERFECT (still is).
The hovering over her crib to be sure she was still BREATHING.
And now she's crying and she's fed and clean and dry and warm (but not too warm) and I checked and there are no pins sticking in her (you wouldn't BELIEVE what diapering was like back then) and she's STILL crying so WHY IS SHE CRYING?
The learning to sleep with one eye open and one ear listening. I have to say Mrs. t. was better at this than I was.

You know that look your dog gives you that is just total, unconditional, trusting love? The only other place I've seen it is in the eyes of my child. OK, sometimes Mrs. t. when I'm having a really good day ;-). It is a HEAVY responsibility and you do everything in your power to live up to it.

I was totally apolitical until she came. Then I felt that she and I and the three of us had a stake in what happens here. The feeling grows stronger every year. Even moreso now that we have a grandson.

Yeah, it changes your life and I wouldn't take anything for any of it.

[sybylla]

10. Time for a story

My husband, before we went into business on our own, worked in a department filled mainly with men. He made several friends with whom he went to lunch with on a daily basis. One day, one of these friends was expressing a bit of concern over the impending delivery of their first baby. He said to my husband, a father of two young boys at the time, somthing like this.

"Its not like you really have to do anything until their five, right? I mean little kids are pretty easy, right?" My husbands response, after he finished choking on his lunch, was later described by this friend as a very chillingly evil laugh followed by, "If you wait until they're five to start parenting them, you've lost."

Parenting is hard work, but it is the most rewarding work I've ever done. I have never heard anyone express any regret that they had children.

But there are a few caveats about parenting that I tell anyone who asks about it.

1)having kids is like leaping off a cliff blindfolded. You never know what you're getting into until you do it. Everyone's experience is different so don't expect yours to follow exactly what happened to others or what they write in the books your SO reads.

2)the experience is what you make of it. My experience along with my observation of other parents is that you get out of your children what you put in as far as time, energy, patience, and love. That doesn't mean that you have to be attached pseudo-umbilically 24 hours a day. You still have a right to a life, just as your kids do. It just means that you don't walk away when the going gets tough.

Having kids is tough decision. The fact that your asking questions is an excellent start.

[THUNDER HANDS]

11. wow

My dad keeps telling me the story of how proud he was to hold me in his arms for the first time.

Then I peed in his face.

:)

I'd love to hear more opinions...if any parents out there have any.

[markus]

12. Yes. You look back at it, mostly...

to when you had one.

The last ten years were kids, kids, kids and nothing but kids. Now, even as things heat up (son to Tae Kown Do tournaments and daughter in competitive dance), I've taken up Tai Chi, bought a sail boat, and generally decided to start having a life of my own of a sort again.

Or course, the boat is a family thing, but the kids were the main reason I was boatless for a bunch of years.

I didn't feel bad about the last dozen years; they were merely different from the life we had before.

[Sal316]

13. It forces you to mature quickly....

My first daughter was born when I was 22. Fortunately, I had two great parents who raised me so I had the 'husband' part down pat (or so I thought until the divorce! )

It's a complete paradigm shift. You are less focused on you and more on them. You start paying more attention to the world around you, and aspects you've never considered before (daycare, schools, etc.).

My favorite memories of both my children's infancies was getting up and doing the 2am feedings. All is quiet in the house, it's just you two, and all you can do is look at your child in your arms and wonder how you managed to get so lucky.

And as far as peeing on you, girls are just as capable as boys... I know that from personal experience!

What's neat now is seeing how different my two girls are. One's a meat-eating, extroverted, fearless tomboy, and the other is a vegetarian, introverted, tentative princess.

It makes making dinner every night a little more difficult.

[davsand]

14. Kicking this back up.

I like seeing what everybody else has to say about parenthood.

Laura

[mitchum]

15. It can make selfishness seem like a noble virtue

(notice I said CAN, not WILL)

[44wax]

16. I became a practicing liberal

I hooked my liberal balls and kept them in place. I am more peaceful, am more conscious of my place in society and became committed to taking action to actually help the world be a better place instead of standing by and doing nothing.

[fishnfla]

17. "your life will never be the same again"

My wife and I heard that from other parents when she was pregnant with our first child 10 years ago. Now we have 3, and when ever we meet a first-time mom-to-be, we say the same thing.
Its a rhetorical thing to say, because does anyone's life ever stay the same? DUH!

Your life changes because you are now responsible for the development of another person. Responsibilty is the working word, it never ceases to amaze me how much my kids look up to myself as a parent. You have to set a good example.

I worry alot about the young ones.Right now their biggest worry is that the old cat gets along with the new dog! I always try to empathize with them, try to look at things their way. I always say "gosh its hard to (10,8,6) years old!" and its true.

One thing is, when you have kids it seems like your life accelerates, it seems like the blink of an eye you and your children age. Half the gray hair on my head is from work, the other half is from raising kids.

Also, no more late nights for you, nor sleeping in! You learn to sleep when the sun goes down, and up at dawn again. Farmers hours I call 'em. Nuturing.

[Cheswick2.0]

18. Ha, parenthood makes all the difference

after you have children you wonder what kind of person you are. Are you think kind of person you would choose to parent your child if you died? If not, what the hell are you doing, shape up. In other words are you doing the best you can to set them a good example? Are you the kind of man your would want your daughter to marry, because she will pick someone like you. Are you the kind of woman you would want your son to fall in love with? Because he will.

You look at your parents mistakes and determine that you will not make those mistakes....instead you make a whole different set of mistakes. If you are a good parent, you apologize and teach you children by example.

It is the best and worst of life. It is more difficult than you can imagine and better than you can imagine too. Sometimes you can't stand them, they are too close a reflection of yourself and you pray they won't make the mistakes that you did. If you were overly shy and it was a torment in your childhood...for sure one of your children will be just like that and it will make you crazy. Try to accept that they can not help it, don't try to change them. You will only succeed in making the child feel even less accepted. That's what children do, they remind you of who you are.

No child ever laughed out loud for the first time or walked for the first time until your child does it. No child will ever be as beautiful as yours.

Here is one of my favorite songs about parenthood. It is from Into the Woods.

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey
But children will listen
Children will look to you
For which way to turn
To learn how to be
Careful before you say
Listen to me
Children will listen
Careful the things you say
Careful the tale you tell
Children will listen

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

19. It is just simply amazing

There is not an easy way to describe the feelings you get when your kids come running down the sidewalk as you come home.
Or when they are scared at night and want to be with you in bed.
There is nothing like the smile of your daughter when she says, "I love you, Daddy" but can hardly say anything else.
I find that when I am thinking of doing something that could be stupid, I think of them and modify my behavior.
I find in them the strength to put up with lots more crap at work to keep my babies safe and fed.
I know happiness and love much better than I did before.

The downsides... yes, there are some

I am very concerned about the world in which they will mature.
When I am away from them, I am concerned for their welfare.
There is not the time for hobbies and friends like there was. No running off to things at the last minute anymore.

The benefits FAR, FAR, FAR outweigh the burdens, IMHO.

[jhfenton]

20. Greatest thing in the world....

My wife and I just had our first child last November. He is the happiest child I have ever seen. When he smiles or laughs -- which is most of the time -- I just melt.

I've always been politically active, working for candidates and finally running for office. But having a child makes me even more concerned about the direction our country is taking. The combination of the anti-gun zealots on the left and the war-on-terrorism nuts on the right makes me fear for our freedom. I'm determined that he will understand his roots and value his freedom.

I'm also much more concerned about the public schools now. I'm nervous about strangers indoctrinating my children. Is that odd?