Just Released: Revised RNC 2004 Convention Schedule

[jmowreader]

Day 1:

0700-0800: Registration and Freedom Breakfast. Six slices stuffed Freedom toast with real butter, whole pot of Freedom-roast coffee, four eggs cooked to order (except for omelets), half-pound of bacon

0801-0830: Paramedics arrive, revive Dick Cheney

0835-1030: Letter-by-letter breakdown of Ronald Reagan's name in uplifting terms:
R is for Righteousness
O is for Omniscience
N is for Knowledge...

1030-1100: Coffee break. Freedom-roast coffee served with Krispy Kremes, one dozen to each attendee with more on the table if you want them.

1101-1130: Paramedics revive Dick Cheney

1135-1200: Slide-show tribute to Ronald Reagan

1200-1300: Luncheon. Huge submarine sandwiches stuffed with sliced ham, pepperoni, four kinds of cheese. At request of the fire department, Dick Cheney not allowed to attend

1305-1600: Playing of "Hellcats of the Navy" and "Death Valley Days" reruns

1605-1700: Break to change into formal attire

1700-2200: Dinner and dancing. Dinner consists of skinless chicken breasts, rice pilaf and fresh vegetable medley because the fire department insists it is not reviving Dick Cheney again tonight. Entertainment consists of every attendee standing up and yelling "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

Day 2:

0700-0800: Freedom breakfast for everyone except Dick Cheney, who gets a bowl of grits and two slices of unbuttered toast.

0805-1200: Highlights of Ronald Reagan speeches.

1205-1300: Light luncheon consisting of cottage cheese and peach halves, cucumber sandwiches, iced tea because the fire department insists they're still trying to pay the light bill from the last two times they had to jump-start Cheney.

1305-1555: Playing of rarely-shown Ronald Reagan Army training films.

1556-1557: Nomination of George W. Bush to run for president and Dick Cheney to run for VP. Nominations seconded by Bill "Catkiller" Frist. With "aw, what da fuck" gaining unanimous consent, Bush approved to run for election.

1600-1645: Saddam Hussein is brought out to the podium in person. Five minutes later, massive bedlam erupts after someone stands up and says "why don't we run this guy instead? At least his grandfather wasn't a Nazi sympathizer." Saddam gains over 300 votes before someone points out that he'd never get elected because his English--while better than Bush's--isn't all that good, his Christianity is suspect and he wasn't born in the United States so there may be problems with the Constitution.

1646-1700: RNC Division of Creative Campaigning unveils new attack ad showing Kerry morphing into Hitler. Ad almost gains approval until Bush stands up and says "Hitler traded with MY grandpa, dammit! Why don't you try morphing Kerry into a Democratic villain?" After checking the records and realizing that all of the big-name dictators were Republicans, RNC finally decides to morph Kerry into Clinton. Ad raises Kerry's approval rating fourteen points when it's shown the week after the convention.

1702: Dan Rather, who is stupid enough to comment "I didn't know Reagan was running this time," is brought to the stage and shot.

1705-2200: Dinner and dancing. Dinner consists of hot dogs. Cheney sent back to DC before they are served.

2030: GOP Disaster Abatement Crew goes to the podium to reveal the "bounce" from the RNC: Kerry picks up eight points on the incumbent.

Day 3:
0800-1200: checkout and Farewell Breakfast--one doughnut and a fifth of Jim Beam.

[Gothmog]

1. LOL This is one of the better versions of the schedule

There are several versions of the schedule floating around. This is very funny.