I've got a sad 8 year old on my hands

[clyrc]

today three people in her class gave out birthday invitations, and she didn't get even one. She is a very smart girl with a huge imagination and she's a computer fanatic. Her classmates think she's weird, just like they thought I was weird at that age.

It's so hard watching her go through this!

[Guy_Montag]

1. At that age, I had no choice who I invited to my brithday parties

it was my whole class. It was the same with everyone, we all went or no-one did. But everything was simpler in those days. We didn't expect much in the way of presents from the other kids, and people were happy just to have a party at home, with old fashioned party games. That was 20 years ago now. Scary - well for me anyway.

[sweettater]

2. I am so sorry for her

This happens in my classroom also. I think the mothers should send by mail to avoid hurt feelings. People are so shallow.

[clyrc]

3. If I had a birthday party for my daughter

I would certainly invite everyone. I don't understand why other parents aren't thinking of hurt feelings.

[izzie]

4. It is sad but as my father used to say when I was unhappy about

any thing like that. It will build you to know you can put up with such things and make you a better person. I could see his point 10 years later and had to put up with his point as a kid.I think he was maybe to hard on us, yet I see no reason to give all kids a birthday gift when one kid has a birth day and I see mother's do that. They do not wish their kids to feel left out. That also seems odd to me.

[Spinzonner]

5. Someone should talk to the principal and the teacher

It may be a private event but since they are using the classroom to distribute the invitations and, apparently, on a classmate basis, the school needs to take some responsibility for sensitizing the parents and controlling the activity if the whole class is not to be treated equally.

And tell her she should be proud of her accomplishments and if that makes her different, then she should be proud of her difference.

[SlingBlade]

6. Good Point

Children can be cruel, But parents and adults should lead the way for them.
Not evidenced in this sad story for sure

[clyrc]

7. She's an American in a British school

that may have something to do with it, although only half the class is actually British. I'm still trying to figure out the dynamics of the school, after almost a full year here.

The insensitivity of the parents bothers me, but what really bothers me is that she is so much like me when I was her age... except she's smarter and more accomplished and a little more confident. She expects people to understand her when she is talking, but they just don't, like they never did me. I'm afraid she will have a tough childhood and teenagerhood. I remember the loneliness and I hate seeing the same type thing in my sweet daughter.

[Redhead488]

8. Are you stationed in England?

[clyrc]

10. United Arab Emirates

There are lots of British expats here, but very few Americans.

[Bunny]

9. Screw those parents. What colossal clods!

To purposely and pointedly exclude an 8 year old is beyond cruel. This will come back to roost for them, in some fashion. Of that you can be sure. Meanwhile, give your little one a great big hug.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

37. And a trip to an amusement park.

Or whatever she likes to do a lot. Let it simmer for a while, so the connection isn't too obvious.

[JCMach1]

38. As the Dad of the 8-year-old, I was a geek too and it is painful

to watch. Of course, when and where I grew-up it seemed everyone was too poor to have elaborate birthday parties. Sigh... Of course, maybe they just never told me about them. I will probably end up taking her on a special trip to see the new Harry Potter.

[benburch]

11. I was the class nerd, too.

I don't think I got even one invitation to anything.

I'm not sure what advice to offer other than you need to make sure she knows each and every day how much you love her and how special she is.

[KittyWampus]

46. Me Too. And Because I Grew Up An Outsider

I never belonged to any one clique. My life experiences and social groups have been VERY varied.

Plus, I learned very young not to care what others though... as long as I respected myself.

Some people never get to that point until they reach old age.

[Paradise]

12. This is what I would do...

Take her to the store, have her pick out three, appropriate-to-the-celebrant, birthday cards, write some personalized happy birthday words on each, and have her give them to the celebrants with a vocal happy birthday, and a smile, asap. This will give your child an uplifting feeling of pride, and teach her many lessons on how to handle, and rise above adversity. You can go a step further by planning, and hosting a simple, but fun, Happy Unbirthday Party, *inviting any other student/s who has/have also been left out; more uplifting, and more valuable lessons. You can also ask your favorite librarian if there are any children's books addressing a similar situation. Just my opinion, for what-it's-worth, which may be a great deal! :hi:

*if there are no others, then child/children of family, friends, and/or neighbors will do, nicely.

All the while, holding swinging-hands, skipping, singing out loud:

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!
And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face
And if you're feeling cross and bitterish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana split and licorice
And you'll feel fine
I knew a girl so glooming
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing
So spread sunshine all over the place
Just put on a happy face
So, put on a happy face :)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

24. I LIKE that idea!

I wasn't left out of things in elementary school, but I definitely was in high school, and I wish my parents (or I) had thought of publicly wishing a happy birthday and giving a card to someone who publicly passed out invitations to their birthday party and slighted me.

That would have a couple of beneficial effects:

1) It makes the snubber feel about an inch high.

2) It makes the snubbee look generous and magnanimous.

3) If the snubber did the snubbing deliberately instead of thoughtlessly, it makes the snubber realize that the snubbee is not to be emotionally bullied.

:thumbsup:

[Paradise]

31. Exactly, and Thank You :) nt

[ET Awful]

28. And remember. . . . . Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
_____

On a more serious note . . . I was the class nerd too, still am and I'm 35 :). I like the idea of giving the three celebrants a card, and an Un-Birthday party sounds like a blast (thank you Lewis Carroll). . . after all, birthdays only roll around once a year, it's ALWAYS someone's unbirthday :).

[Paradise]

33. I like that, let's call it , 'ditty', and

thanks for crediting Lewis Carroll. I WAS kind of thinking of 'Alice' when giving my suggestions. :)

[JCMach1]

39. My daughter loves Monty Python...

The Life of Brian is her favorite... with the Meaning of Life a Close Second...

[Paradise]

51. lol, and i called it a 'ditty'? leave it to me. :) nt

[afraid_of_the_dark]

35. That's a wonderful idea!

I'll have to stash that one in my bag of tricks for a later date. :)

[Paradise]

57. Thanks, afraid_of_the_dark,

but, unfortunately, the poster-parent doesn't. :shrug:

[bearfan454]

36. Very good idea Paradise.

Excellent idea to help kids not to get their feelings hurt.

[Paradise]

58. It would make this little girl feel good about herself,

and, imo, that's what's needed in this situation. Thanks. :)

[Missy Vixen]

45. Be sure and

>have her give them to the celebrants with a vocal happy birthday, and a smile, asap<

also make sure that the cards and the good wishes are given in front of the teacher, if at all possible. If the celebrant does or says anything cutting or nasty to your child, at least there will be a witness.

I too remember how painful that type of thing is. It's too bad that these children's parents don't have enough maturity to realize how hurtful these incidents are to a child.

Julie

[Paradise]

59. you are so right, JulieRB.

i should have mentioned that someone should be with her when she does it. thanks. :)

[DS1]

13. been there, done that

but I don't really have any advice, other than to buy her a computer game :shrug:

[eileen from OH]

14. How awfully sad

What total jerks some parents are. And what little creeps they are raising.

One thing you might do is something we did when this happened to one of mine, because it is heartbreaking. And look, you can't change them, but you can do something positive to help. I sympathized with mine and then said, "Oh, it's just as well, really. Because, well, I wasn't going to tell you this, but see, Dad and I have something very special planned for you that same day. It's a surprise and you'll just have to wait. Why don't you make a list of what you think it could be?"

This gets her focus of of the little asshole's party so that between now and then she's got that to hang onto. And, of course, you DO plan something totally wonderful to do that day. Make it memorable.

Obviously, you can't do this every time she gets her feelings hurt, but there are times when it's called for.

eileen from OH

[JCMach1]

41. It wouldn't work in this culture... the parties are a BIG DEAL

Ex-pat brats are reality... If there aren't ponies, a magician, and a jumping castle it just isn't a birthday.

[Just Me]

15. Ouch.

Maybe you can throw your own little "celebration of life" party, celebrating being the unique and special people that you are, successfully surviving this life with all its challenges.

[Not Me]

16. Take the opportunity

to spend the whole day with her on Saturday if you can. Make it a special day for her. I'll bet that one special day will stand out in her memory long after the hurt from being excluded is gone.

[vi5]

17. Oh god...just hearing this makes my heart break and fear...

I dread my daughter having to go through this kind of stuff.

But I also hope I can use my experiences going through the same type of stuff to make her stronger and more guarded against it and not let it get to her.

Hard as it is to rationalize, experiences similar to what you described made me a stronger person. If that type of thing HAS to happen to her (and I hope it doesn't) then the only thing to do is to use the experience to teach her about other struggles in life. Obviously that's not the preferable way to look at it, but in something like this which is out of your control it's really the only way.

[Corgigal]

18. You guys are too nice here

tell your baby girl that you want to have a summer party and ask her what she thinks would be nice to have. Pony rides, bouncing balls inflatable, whatever. Make sure she has the goods and then make sure you don't invite those little brats. Word of mouth works wonders.

Yeah its low minded and the world isn't suppose to work. Of course you would never tell your 8 year old why you are doing this but you would think it's a fun thing to do. She will love it, it gives her all the control and you can teach the other parents how it feels.

As a parent of a disabled child I always worry that kids won't show to his birthday party. SO I make it a must see event.

[nuxvomica]

27. That's pretty low-minded...

Not! I have this feeling your kid is gonna turn out just fine. Not because you're doing this sort of thing so much as because you care enough to do it. God bless you. :-)

[Corgigal]

29. Why

thank you. Sometimes I think it's wrong but then sometimes the world doesn't always play fair. You do what you must sometimes.

[chelsea0011]

19. Kids in my school aren't allowed to hand out invitations

during school time. It comes home as a notice at the beginning of the year so everyone will understand the policy. It is done to avoid having children like yours avoiding the pain they all feel when they are left out. Sounds like a tough class with 8 year olds already singling others out. Good luck to your kid.

[Zookeeper]

54. My children's school has the same policy.

It is clearly explained starting in Kindergarten and every year thereafter.

But, the tackiness of handing out invitations to some classmates and leaving out others should be obvious, even without a formal prohibition.

[Bronco69]

20. Damn, this sure brings back memories!

My little sister is 11 years younger than me. I was a senior in high school when she was in first grade and every day I had to pick her up from school. One day I picked her up and she was crying and I asked her what was wrong. She said that one of the boys in her class had a birthday and brought treats for everyone. The teacher let him pass them out and when he got to her he told her that she couldn't have any and he gave one to everyone else. I told her it was just as well because I had enough money to buy us ice cream and we would eat until we puked. She started laughing and we went to the ice cream store and had more than our share. That night I cried myself to sleep knowing how bad her feelings were hurt. I'm crying right now because your post reminds me of that day. Show her some extra attention and keep reminding her how loved she is. Kids can sometimes be the most cruel creatures in the world.

[Bunny]

21. That was a nice thing to do for your little sister!

But you know, I don't fault the kids in this instance. I fault the parents. They should have informed their kids that NO ONE gets invited unless EVERYONE is invited. It's really that simple. Kids that are 8 years old don't yet have the cognitive skills to process rejection. It's up to the parents to teach compassion and empathy by insisting that everyone be invited. If they simply could not accommodate everyone, then they could have mailed the invites to each kid's home. To pass them out in class, and purposely exclude a CHILD in the process, is cruel beyond belief. Can't imagine how those little brats are going to turn out...

[GreenPartyVoter]

22. Been on her side of it, haven't faced it as a mom yet :^(

Take her somewhere special and do some bonding.

It doesn't replace the parties and not being invtied witll sting a bit, but she will have a memory of time with you that will stick with her.

[Misunderestimator]

23. Damn... sorry to hear that....

It's hard to watch, and it's hard to go through. All you can do is love her and support her and encourage her. Kids can be exceedingly cruel. If only there was some secret to convincing a child that this all will pass and that she will be a better person for surviving it.

[Red State Rebel]

25. My son was a class nerd at that age too...

That is such a fragile age - people can be so mean!

It it makes you or her feel any better, he's now married with a beautiful daughter and at the age of 25 makes over $65,000 working on those computers :).

I liked this joke - Do you know what they call the class nerd 5 years after graduation?................Boss!

[amandae]

26. In my daughter's school you can't hand out invitations in class.

They have to be mailed (we get a directory and for the addresses that aren't included, the teacher will help provide an address for the child for you) OR if all the children are invited (or all the girls or all the boys are invited), she'll put the invitations in the cubby area for each child to pack up into their backpacks at the end of the day. This avoids hurt feelings.

It's absolutely wrong that they gave out invitations at school and didn't invite the whole class or at least all the girls. When my daughter had a birthday party last November, we invited all the girls in the class and will probably continue to do that for a few years to come.

Hugs for your daughter. She will be better off for not hanging around these girls .... it's good that she has a caring homelife that can help her through this ...

[clyrc]

30. thanks everyone for the kind suggestions and thoughts

We are already going on a road trip on Thursday (our weekend) so we will make that special for her.

I don't think there is anything I can do to make her feel better about this kind of rejection. She is extremely emotionally sophisticated for her age, although she is rather emotional, too, like me. Sometimes she tells me about these things, sometimes she doesn't. I freqently hear about her that she is in her own little world, and I agree. I just don't see why that has to be a bad thing.

She actually thought two of these people were her friends. There's a part of me that wants to say, well, get used to it, it will happen your whole life. But she is only 8 (almost 9) and I wish I could do more for her. She will know immediatley if I'm doing something for her out of, well, pity.

What makes it worse is that her younger sister is very popular and she gets invited to several birthday parties, but her younger sister is much more of an extrovert.

Maybe I should talk to someone at the school. I know her teacher likes her (He told me that every day he was astonished at how much general knowledge she has.) Maybe he can help me in dealing with this in what is after all a foreign culture.

[Paradise]

34. Good idea to speak with her teacher.

They should not be allowed to hand out invitations at school, for the very reason your daughter is suffering.
As my mom used to say... "And this, too, shall pass."
Believe it or not, that little statement used to help, and still does. :)

[bearfan454]

32. That's mean.

We didn't have the money for our granddaughter to attend a field day they were having at her daycare so she did not go to daycare that day. I didn't want her to see the other kids being able to do stuff and her not. I hate it when kids get their feelings hurt. Sorry clyrc.

[HEyHEY]

40. Poor kid

Parents can be such assholes. I say that because I remember when I was a kid my parents made me include people I didn't want to include.

[m-jean03]

42. Wow, that sounds a lot like me when I was little.

Only I was just a world-class bookworm and a klutz.

Hopefully she'll just become a thicker skinned
person because of slights like these.

I send my utmost sympathies and the promise to her
that life WILL get better.

:-(

[notadmblnd]

43. the school my son atttends does not allow

children to hand out b-day invites in class unless everyone in the class is invited. this way there is no hurt feelings when someone gets gets slighted.

[davsand]

44. That kind of stuff is so hard to see.

From the first time I caught myself wanting to smack the snot outta some three year old kid for mistreating my daughter in the sandbox, I realized I had to get a grip on that mama bear thing. I find, now that she's seven, I'm not doing much better, really. I STILL want to smack the snot out of any kid that hurts her. That social thing is somehow MORE painful for me to watch than it was to live thru as a kid.

Locally, our school policy is that no invites are handed out at school unless everyone is invited. I DO appreciate that bit of savvy on the part of the school. The thing is, kids talk. Even IF the invites don't go out at school they all KNOW who is invited and who isn't. The hurt is still there.

A friend of mine has a kid older than mine, and she has a daughter in the same class as mine--so we talk quite a bit. SHE had an amazing solution for that when her older son got left out of (GET THIS!) the Principal's kid's birthday party. She talked to her kid, and then let him pick the one thing he really wanted to do on the day of that party. Turned out, he went golfing with his Dad, and had a great day.

For your daughter, if you could afford it, how about a day for you two at a spa/salon? Manicures, facials--you name it! Do that "girly" thing up in style, and then let her go back to school and brag on the day she had with her Mom! It will certainly re-enforce her value to you and to her...

Something that occurs to me in reading this thread over, however, is the idea that MAYBE this is a cultural difference between the Brits and the Americans. I have no idea what the attitudes are in Jolly Old England, but here in the US, you can see our cultural attitude of equality for all shining thru in every one of our outraged responses. Maybe that isn't the norm there--I dunno. This could just be an American attitude creeping out of us all, and we may be guilty of placing our values on somebody else.

Just food for thought!

Hug your little one, and I applaud you for being the kind caring parents you both are!


Laura

[JCMach1]

47. Very true, one sad hangover of British colonialism is the class thing

As an American, it irritates the heck out of me.

While American's really AREN'T equal... we like to THINK we are. It's built into our psyche and our spirit.

My daughter has this in spades... on top of everything else, she is a budding feminist with a strong sense of social justice.

And yeah, most other kids her age don't have a clue abot these things.

[Bake]

48. Not all kids are cruel, just MOST of them ...

But let me brag on my son for a bit. He's 16 now, but a few years ago one of his best friends was a girl who was a bit on the heavy side, but a really sweet girl. Some of the other kids were teasing her (tormenting would be a better word for it!) about her weight, and my son, who has always been very sensitive to the feelings of others, jumped in and told the tormentors in no uncertain terms to stop it or he'd shut them up himself. He didn't have to get physical with them, as it turned out, because he shamed them into stopping.

The girl, by the way, is still his friend and she's now quite the "swan." And I'm still proud of my son for what he did that day.

Best wishes to you and your daughter. Do something special with her, just like everyone has said. She'll be fine.

Bake

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

56. Come on, we want to know how this story REALLY ends

If you catch my drift. :evilgrin:

[Bake]

63. That would be for him to tell ...

But he's too much of a gentleman to talk! HAHA!

Bake

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

65. That's OK

We'll fill the blanks with our filthy imaginations. :evilgrin:

[Lou_C]

49. Get here involved with activities outside of School

Art, Music, Gymnastics, Girl Scouts, Volunteer at the Zoo, etc.

She needs to be with other kids her age and they don't have to be with the ones that she goes to School with.

It will teach her new things and how to make friends outside of School.

[JCMach1]

50. One thing that makes it worse is that our youngest daughter

Is an extrovert. She also has the personality thing where EVERYONE likes her. And, she ALWAYS gets birthday invites.

[davsand]

53. Wow, have those guys grown!!!!

I'd not seen photos of them since you ran, those kids are growing UP!! Be proud of them--they are lovely!


Laura

[JCMach1]

55. Thanks, they really are

2 years is a long time.

[WilliamPitt]

52. That which does not kill you...

From the 5th grade through the 8th grade, I was That Kid. The butt of the jokes, the outcast. During 7th and 8th grade, I think I got beat up nearly every day. This was an all-boys Catholic school, and the ringleader for the guys who went after me was the son of the head dean, so they acted with impunity.

I can still remember the names of each of the guys who took me apart each day, and I still have a scar on my right hand from one of them. I've been through a lot of crap in my life, but it's probably safe to say that those four years were among the most defining experiences I've gone through. Everything I know about the underdog, the pain of being different, the need to be kind to others...probably the reason I'm a liberal in the first place came out of that.

I don't have advice for you. I wound up at another school and things turned around for me. Your daughter is who she is, and sometimes people like us wind up on the outside looking in. My experience is that being the outsider, in the long term, gives you a much sharper, better perspective on the world, but the process of gaining that perspective hurts like cancer for years.

I will tell you this much: I could have wound up some pissed-off, introverted freak after what I went through. The reason I came out of that (mostly) normal is because my mother was an absolutely incredible person.

Just like you. :)

[GOPisEvil]

62. You too, huh?

I got the same treatment in 7th and 8th grades. Painful, but I learned a lot about myself and other people. I always got love at home though, so that made a big difference.

Your daughter will be fine as long as she knows she's loved at home. Good luck to you both.

[LynneSin]

66. Been down that path

I had a problem with conforming with redneck racists and those redneck racists made me an outcast

I still stand by my choice!

[flamingyouth]

60. I'm so sorry for her

I was often left out as a kid too, and it made me really sad. However, I've managed to capitalize on my weirdness as an adult. I know it probably won't help her right now, but things will get better for her - I just know it. :hug:

[Arugula Latte]

61. Ugh! Birthday Parties!

They are always traumatic for me. I'd like to invite everyone in the class, but if we did that plus outside friends from other activities there would be 30 to 40 kids at the party -- too much.

I try to be very discreet when we invite kids. However, I always feel guilty.

We try to teach our kids inclusiveness and to stick up for kids who are being picked on. They're still pretty young, though, so I'm not sure if we're getting through.

Hugs to your daughter! I know she'll turn out to be a great lady.

[k in IA]

64. I'm sorry. Poor thing. When my 6 year old had her birthday party

we invited all the girls. There are 22 kids in the class. 11 girls/11 boys. 22 is just too many so instead we did all the girls.

We also mailed the invitations but I think girls and boys understand when it is a girl or boy thing.