Is anyone else overly empathetic?

[Nikia]

I am with the people who I care about. I guess that I was born this way. My parents fought a lot and divorced when I was little. As young as 2, I was begging my parents not to fight and comforting them when they were upset. I was also very empathetic with my sister. I even cried when she was getting in trouble because it hurt me so much when she was hurt. As I group up, achieving was emphasized so much and I was socially awkward. I felt for friends when they were sad but didn't know how to help them. I tried to turn off my feelings to some extent.
Now as an adult, I cannot seriously fight with my husband or not let him do something that he wants to do. He feels bad and I feel bad. If I caused him to feel bad, that is even worse for me. I have this same problem with close friends. I cannot be angry with someone if they will feel bad because I feel bad if they feel bad even if the opposite is not true for them.
What should I do?

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

1. I believe it's incurable

Just console yourself in the knowledge that you are a caring person; there are far too few of those in the world these days.

[Speck Tater]

2. What a wonderful place this world would be if...

... everyone were like you. :)

[woofless]

3. Empathetic.

Is that where you really feel it when someone else is pathetic?

[m-jean03]

4. That sounds like me.

You're in good company I think. :pals:

[Hell Hath No Fury]

5. I am the same way...

Walking around like an emotional sponge can be a bit debilitating if you're not careful. I think being deeply feeling and growing up in a family with emotional turmoil can produce people who are especially sensitive to the emotional cues of those around them.

There is a name for what you describe -- damn, I'm having a brain fart right now -- kind of like "introvert" but relates to people who internalize emotions/experiences to the point where it's as if it is actually happening to them. I think that's why I like movies so much -- it's like "virtual reality" for me. :)

I think the Buddhists have it right when they say that it is good to feel compassion, but not when it engulfs you to the point where you are incapable of taking action to help the situation. Like the Iraq war -- to see the images and feel compassion, but with detachment so that you don't become despondent and unable to do what has to be done to remedy the situation.

That might be something for you to look into -- Buddhist training. It's helped me a bit.

[Nikia]

6. That's exactly how it is for me

Your experiences which you described match mine. It does trouble me when I cannot help those that I am feeling compassion towards.
I haven't considered Buddhism much. My spirituality is more Christian centered but I hear that these are not necessarily exclusive of one another. Msybe that is something that I should look into.
Thanks.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

7. Buddhism can be many things...

from a full-blown religion to a philosophy to a tool to deal with daily life in a more balanced and effective way.

I studied Shambhala, which is a completely secular Buddhism that would in no way conflict with the teachings/practice of Christianity. This branch was started by Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

You can find out more about it at http://www.shambhala.org/

[SarahB]

8. It will catch up with you

I was like this for years. Similar in a way. I grew up with parents with their own problems and found the only source of approval I could get from my mother involved me being there to help her with her problems. When I could no longer do this and wanted a more reciprocal relationship, basically I was the bad guy and she had no problem cutting me out of her life.

Same thing with my marriage. I tolerated certain attitudes and behaviors for many years that was undesirable to me simply because I was afraid of the fights the 'could' ensue. To an extent he was the same way. Now here I am at 32 (also with my husband since I was 19) trying to put together some healthier patterns for the sake of our children basically. I'm trying but old patterns die hard and a lot is expected out of me still it feels to provide him with this sort of continual reassurance no matter how many hostilities are thrown at me on occasion. I don't have it anymore to give most of the time.

Empathy is one thing. Loving yourself enough (and trusting in the love others have for YOU) to be honest is another. I don't want to step on toes, but I think I know how you feel. Having a big heart and being a caring person is inherently a good quality. Just don't let anyone step on you too much in the process.