If you were approached by a guy who was married,

[Deja Q]

Would you go out with him?

Pretend I'm ethically challenged. Please say why you're for your yes or no answer.

Thx!

[bhunt70]

1. I would say no, because I am also a married man. :)

edit - well it depends on where dinner is.

[Donkeyboy75]

2. No, I'm straight.

But I didn't click on the poll because I'm not THAT much of an asshole.

[laruemtt]

3. run for the hills.

can't say it any more plainly. maybe somebody can learn from my stupid mistakes and not make them too. run. just run. there is NOTHING but heartache ahead for you and everybody involved. run.

[JPJones]

4. Not worth it. nt

[Lisa0825]

5. I seem to be one of the few around here (judging by a previous topic)

who thinks adultery is wrong. Now, if a couple chooses to have an open relationship, that's their choice, but when there is committment and trust involved, I will NOT be a party to breaking it.

[VelmaD]

9. I have to disagree with you...

every time I've seen this topic come up there has been an avalanche of holier-than-thou attitudes from people who think adutlery is wrong and they'd NEVERNEVERNEVER do it.

[Lisa0825]

13. I saw a topic in which just about everyone said monogamy was

unnatural, and another in the past in which many people posted about cheating. I guess I'd rather hang with the holier-than-thous on this one. Sure, I realize there are circumstances to be considered sometimes... the people I have a problem with are those who just don't care if their actions hurt others, because they just do what feels good to them.

[VelmaD]

15. I guess I'm remembering different threads...

than you are. A question similar to this one has been asked in the past and I was stunned at the level of bile directed at people who were not four-square opposed to cheating. I mean hell, we've had ugly threads where people insisted that looking at porn was cheating.

And there's a difference between believing that monogamy is not our natural state and advocating cheating on your spouse.

[AntiCoup2K4]

6. No.

First reason is that I'm straight and don't date men. But I did unintentionally fall in love with a married woman once, and that proved to be pure Hell :evilfrown:

[Wickerman]

7. One of you married = bad news

Been there, done it, regret it. You'll hear that a hundred times over and very few on the flip side.

[Whitacre D_WI]

8. I voted for yes...

...I'm straight, but I'd go out with a married woman.

You know, if she was hot. :evilgrin:

[Red_Viking]

10. You'll just inherit his existing problems

Any person in a committed relationship who is looking for something on the side has serious problems. By that, I mean their current relationship is either dead or floundering, but they won't end it. If someone is happy, they don't go looking for a little sumthin-sumthin. OK, so there are dirtbags who are serial philanderers. I'm excluding them.

Anyway, if someone is interested in you but currently in a relationship, you don't necessarily have to run screaming. But, don't get involved physically or emotionally. The best thing you can do for that person is to advise them to face their problems and come to some kind of resolution before starting something new.

I don't speak from personal experience, but vicarious experience. One of my good friends, a married female, had affairs behind her husband's back for years. It was truly bizarre. She treated her husband like he was her brother, and then she went around dating all kinds of people. Then she'd be confused why none of her extramarital relationships lasted. Huh? I urged her to get some counseling. Thankfully, she and her husband went together, but only after he found out what was going on. They've decided to divorce, which I think is for the best.

So, there's my 2 cents. You can be a friend, but let them work through the messy breakup stuff before dating them.

RV

[sallyseven]

11. I think too muvh of myself

I don't need someones discard.

[Deja Q]

14. I think I know what his problem is:

He freely admits his bisexuality on the internet service, but my impression is that he hides it from his wife.

He wants the best of both worlds.

I haven't seen his face, nor will I ask. I have a teeny tiny ethical problem with getting involved... I pity him on one level, but wouldn't begin to like him on another level, and I lack the moral bankruptcy needed to engage in such uncouth opportunism. (I'm quite the atypical American citizen...)

Ethical implications aside, the impact of pursuing such a relationship would be problematic at best. And then there are the ethical considerations (I've seen HOT men before and I've stayed away. Having led a life of misery, humiliation, and failure really does help when it comes to ethical considerations. :-) )

[Red_Viking]

18. We all have a purpose

Yeah, I really believe this.

You could give this guy some wonderful advice. I assume you've been through the agony of "coming out." Imagine being trapped in a marriage and desperately wanting to change your life but not knowing how. A little support and encouragement could help. The threat of the stigma alone is probably killing him. And if he has kids...wow. The fear must be overwhelming.

Maybe you could be his anonymous Internet friend? You seem to have such a good head on your shoulders.

And dude, don't be so hard on yourself! Has it really been that bad? Hey, when I was 24, my husband left me for a 19-year-old bimbo. Turns out he's a dipshit, but that didn't help at the time. I think you have a terrific amount of character, and a great sense of humor.

Rock on, brother--

RV

[Throckmorton]

34. Was Married, or Is Married?

Was Married, well if he is cute.
Is Married, No, not into the home wrecker role.

[fudge stripe cookays]

12. I could never do it.

I'm very happy in my marriage, and the thought of lying to my husband (after looking so long and hard for him...) makes me physically ill.

[SOteric]

16. Probably not, but there could be extenuation.

If I'm otherwise available and interested in him, and I had certain knowledge of his marriage being 'open' or over but for the signing of the documents, then possibly yes.

I'm not the Acme Judgement Company, but if a fella is sneaking around on his wife I'm not likely to play along with it. I don't want to be a party to a duplicity that's likely to hurt someone. It's not the adultery concept versus my religious faith, it's a concept I like to call 'sisterhood/brotherhood.' One doesn't undertake activity with a high likelihood of hurting others. Breaking vows, lying and sneaking around has a high potential for hurting someone, and not in an ethical, honourable way for a noble reason.

I think a lot of it, too, would depend upon my view of relationships at the time. In that, I mean that I've never really had a hard time generating positive male attention. I'm fairly social, make connections easily and have never felt romantic attention to be rare or hard to get. I also have a peculiar, limited view of relationship 'destiny.' Very probably, if I felt differently about these things, my willingness to be responsive to a married man's overtures would be more negotiable.

[NightTrain]

17. I personally wouldn't, but...

...I'm a heterosexual male! :)

[SarahB]

19. Not unless

His relationship was ending and everyone could be completely honest about what was going on. I have been hit on by more than one married person in life, and I was always one of those "NEVER EVER BAD BAD BAD" people until I got into my own gray areas in my own marriage. What do you when you easily attract people and can't separate due to circumstances somehow at least for awhile? So far, my own answer is nothing, but I don't know if that's healthy either on simply a human level. Then again, I don't find I'm attracted to that many people in return, enough to think about actually doing something anyway, but on occasion when I have been, it's all rather torturous.

If everyone's honest with all parties, whether separating or in an open relationship, then it's a personal matter really and we have to use our own moral compass. Being judgemental serves no purpose. Sometimes, life isn't so simple.

In this case, Hypnotoad, I'd say that you'd only go out with him if you can ask his wife directly if it's okay with her. Otherwise, he's being deceptive and that's just not right.

[demgurl]

20. No!

I would say no because I, myself, am married. I always wonder why people cheat. If it is over, leave the person. Why drag it out? JMO.

Christina

[Mobius]

21. No, I dont care if hes separated or not happy...

or what ever other bullshit they tell you to get laid. Bottom line is that if you havent ended the relationship already, you sure as hell arent ready to start a new one.

[VelmaD]

22. I normally don't do this but...

I'm gonna speak from personal experience on this topic. I cannot tell you how many of my married friends, both male and female, are disatisfied with one aspect of their marriages...SEX. Some of them are perfectly happy otherwise but they are not compatable sexually with their spouse. Some of them are not totally happy otherwise but are not ready to call the relationship quits, often because there are children involved.

What do you do when you're not getting what you need sexually but your spouse adamantly refuses to either make changes in your sex life or let you find what you want somewhere else?

I know what people end up doing. They have affairs. Sometimes they get emotionally involved and sometimes they don't. Sometimes it really is just about sex.

[Ophelia]

24. You are so right

I have to hide under a pseudonym here on this one which I rarely do, but yes. I am a woman who absolutely loves sex and to try new things, etc. It's all good when it comes to sex IMHO, but not him. My partner has actually laughed at me in bed for things and acts like it's no big deal. He has "issues" I don't have. He thinks sex with me is great (because frankly, it has been with my ongoing appetite). I look at sex with him as better than nothing and at least I can usually get off. I have tried for so long to be open and he's has tried to an extent, but I can barely ever get him to even initiate it. He's so insecure that he would take a no on occasion as a personal rejection, so he doesn't try much. It's exhausting having to constantly take charge in the bedroom and I'm sick of it. There's other stuff, but this alone has been a huge problem for me. This is probably the biggie though. No, I haven't cheated.

[VelmaD]

26. I'm gonna wonder all night...

who you "really" are now. :)

I can't go into too much detail about my own situation but if you ever need to talk about it feel free to pm me. I've been on both sides of this situation and may have some perspective to offer. :)

[fortyfeetunder]

23. It happened once and I won't tolerate it

Having been a victim of sorts from my dad's infidelity..let's say in one of my careers, I have to report all siblings (whole and half-)...and Dad has at least one who ain't my mom's kid. Heaven forbid if any more show up...

Anyway, after starting my first professional job, one of my colleagues said one of the supervisors was interested in me. At the time I had just relocated, already dating someone and I was not in the least bit interested. But this colleague insisted I connect with this guy.

Fortunately, I found out in time that this guy was married and I just told him, no I was certainly not interested. The guy said he and his wife were separated, and I said, well I hope you get back together real soon.

thank goodness it didn't go very far.

[pagerbear]

25. Remember my guy with the husband AND the wife?

[Screaming Lord Byron]

27. I uh...interfered with other people's girlfriends before I was married.

And, unlike 99% of this sort of post, I'm going to give no advice whatsoever. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
But....never do it while the other partner is in the house. You're just asking for trouble. That's all I'm sayin'.

[VelmaD]

35. Thanks Byron...

I needed that laugh amongst all the moralizing from people who I don't think have a clue what they're talking about.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

40. That's alright Vel. You can rely on me to be predictably amoral.

[radwriter0555]

28. Who wants some lame-ass cheating man who lies? He has no morals,

no ethics and apparently is just a sleaze ball looking for sex.

If he cheats on HER, he's GOING to cheat on you. He has few morals or ethics, he doesn't tell the truth to himself or those he loves; he isn't HONEST with himself, and obviously has a LOT of problems dealing with intimacy.

He wants SEX. He hopes you'll give it to him. He will never give you his heart, his love, or his all.

If you want just SEX, if you want to feel dirty, dishonest, sleazy, amoral, illicit and unfaithful, go for it.

Just remember, while you're schtupping him, you will be emotionally unavailable for a real man who IS looking for LOVE.

[Misunderestimator]

29. No, I'm gay :) n/t

[Bridget Burke]

30. No.

If he just wants a little variety, let him find some bored wifey. Of course, it's harder to arrange logistics when the other woman (or man) isn't single. Motels, etc.

"Open relationship", "separated", "staying together for the children"--I've heard all the excuses. It's not worth the trouble.

Remember, every time a man marries his mistress--a job opening is created!

[MissMillie]

31. If you're only looking for a romp

and are "ethically challenged" then there's no need to run.

But if you want something more than just a romp, someone else's life partner won't be able to give you what you're looking for.

Oh... and it's true, a man who leaves his wife for you, will leave you for someone else someday.

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. No. There are many more unmarried men. I just could not see myself

as the other woman. I could not do that to his family. :hi:

[LWolf]

33. No.

I despise cheats. They are on the lowest rung of my moral compass.

I also despise those who are willing to participate in the cheater's choice. They belong right down there on the bottom of the ladder with the cheater.

Of course, since I was married to two cheating husbands, that response might be expected. But I'll stand by it.

If I were approached by a guy who was married, I would coolly turn him down, mention how lucky he was to be married to _________________, and how glad she must be that she could trust him.

Mentally, I would nail his scrotum to a wall and leave it there as a warning for other cheaters.

[Cuban_Liberal]

36. No, because if he'd cheat on her, he'd also cheat on you.

That's the best reason I can think of.

[VelmaD]

37. That presupposes...

that you care whether he "cheats" on you.

Seems to me that everyone on this thread is making a huge assumption that the man in this situation is nothing more than a ball of raging hormones and the other person (usually assumed to be a woman) would want some sort of emotional committment as opposed to just sex. That's not the way it happens all the time.

This isn't aimed at you specifically Cuban_Liberal...just an observation on the number of times this particular argument against it has come up.

[Screaming Lord Byron]

42. Yeah, I picked up on that. If people just want sex, why not?

And believe me, there are plenty of women out there who just want meaningless sex every now and then, perhaps as many as there are men. If people want to cheat, the only people they have to answer to are themselves and their partners. No one else.

[VelmaD]

45. There are plenty of women...

who want "just sex" sometimes.

Granted, I'd like to find someone to have more than that with...but when you're between relationships and you still need to take care of your body...sometimes a little meaningless sex does the trick. Sex doesn't always have to be about deep abiding committment. Sometimes it's just about having fun. :)

[bratcatinok]

46. Speaking only for myself

I don't get near the physical gratification with sex if my heart isn't somewhat involved. I don't have to be in love but I do have to like the person and that requires some degree of intimacy. If I open myself up a little then I'm also taking a chance at opening myself up all of the way because feelings aren't something I can always keep an iron control of. If he's unavailable to be as open as I am then I'm just asking for some degree of emotional pain. Why go there in the first place when there are men who are available for me?

If the man is willing to cheat on his marriage vows what else is he willing to cheat on and what does that say about his character?

I've been a wife who was cheated on and for me it wasn't so much the physical aspect of the cheating as it was his lack of emotional involvement with me while he was with her. The times he was with other women were times when his loyalties were divided even if it wasn't much more than physical for him. He used time and effort on the other women that could have been used on our relationship. Eventually one of his physical flings turned into an emotional one and he fell in love. Of course, she was devastated when he fell in love with someone else and left her too.

All of his affairs weren't really about sex, they were about the excitement of falling "in love". Sexually he and I were very compatible. If he could have found a way to keep me while falling in and out of love, he would have. Even though he's married now he'd take me back in a second if I chose to do that. It's not conceit on my part since he's approached me repeatedly over the years. Last week was just the latest try.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. i say "yes" if you want to

you are not the one who promised to be faithful to his spouse. he did. i dont think the ethical responsibility is your. however you will get hurt if you get emotionally embroiled in said married man, so be careful.

[VelmaD]

39. Absolutely...

The other thing you have to do is be scrupulously honest with yourself about why you're doing it and what you expect to get out of it. If you hide that kind of thing from yourself you can end up getting a nasty surprise later when you realize you aren't getting what you really wanted.

And you have to be prepared for huge amounts of shit from your friends if you decide to tell them. (As exemplified by many people on this very thread.)

It's not an easy situation for someone to find themselves in.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. huge amounts of shit from your friends

that it possible especially if you have been judgemental about your friends in the past

(a friend of mine once referred to me as a slut, years later she had sex with a married man, normally i am non-judgemental about sexual issues but that one i had much moral ground to be all judgemental

[VelmaD]

43. It's also possible when you haven't

One thing I'm really holding against some of my friends right now is the way they have dumped on me about my percieved moral failings since my breakup with my ex after years of my being supportive and non-judgmental of them.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

44. ofcourse thats entirely possible

[Lisa0825]

54. I don't get how the non-cheaters seem to be the bad guys in your view.

So we think we're right and you're wrong. Big deal. In order for it to BE cheating, there must be some committment involved. Otherwise, there is no problem. But if you do *cheat* you are breaking a trust and committment you made to someone, and yes, that in my view is morally wrong.

Why even MAKE a committment to someone if you know that you will not be able to uphold it? Just have open relationships with people who feel the same as you, or break up when you have the urge to shop around.

To me, the problem is not with the idea that someone wants sex with another person. It's that the cheaters misrepresent themselves as committed and then sneak around.

I have dated guys with no intention of having a committment before, and I honestly didn't care, nor try to find out if they saw other women. I assumed they did. That's where I was at that point in my life. But when I decide I want to be in a committed relationship, and someone makes that committment with me, then yes, I expect trust and loyalty to be part of the bargain.

[VelmaD]

55. I'm not sure where you got...

that I think the non-"cheaters" are the bad guys.

What irritates me is the people who cop a holier-than-thou attitude about it as if somehow they are better people than us mere mortals. For me it's a matter of looking at the beam in your own eye before giving someone else hell for the splinter in theirs. Unless someone has never done anything "immoral" in their life, then I don't think they have the right to make such sweeping generalizations about the people who have extra-marital sex.

[Lisa0825]

57. If you repeatedly break the trust of someone you profess to be committed

to, then yes, that will affect what my opinion of you is. If you see that as judgemental, then I guess I am.

[KinkyDem]

56. I'm facing this right now on several fronts

First of all, I am in an open relationship. Typicaly we share partners but partners away from the other is an option, even if it seldom used.

I have a married friend in a more closed relationship than mine, her and her husband share partners but outside is off limits for her, but not him. The problem is that he get's what he wants but he is unwilling and maybe incapable of providing my friend what she really wants/desires/needs. At this point, I would, with her and never let her husband know. This is the FIRST time I have ever contemplated such actions, decieving not only a potential partners mate, but a friend of mine. Nothing has happened yet and I almost hope/doubt it ever will but it does bring all of this to the forfront for some interesting mental excersizes on the subject.

So, for her, a woman I have known and loved for 15 or 16 years, yes I would help her cheat on her husband. It may be doubly bad that I would help her cheat AND who she is cheating on is my friend. It's a shitty place to be. I want her to be happy. She wants so much to stay with her husband. He simply will not and now seems totaly unwilling to try to please her. It seems odd that part of my willingness is in order to help her keep her marriage, cause if she doesn't find a way to get what she watns she's end it. And that would suck worse for everyone involved.

[VelmaD]

59. You probably already know what I'm gonna say...

about your friend's relationship. :) If her partner is allowed to have sex with people outside the relationship and she is not...she needs to dump his ass anyway 'cause he's obviously not enough of a grown-up to really handle a truly open relationship. She's getting shafted. And not in the good way. ;)

[XNASA]

47. This topic always brings out the worst in everyone.

I'm taken aback, quite frankly. How does "go out" equate to "purposely try to hurt someone else"?

Not all men are dogs. Not all women aren't. And anyway, it would seem that married people who have extramarital sex can distance themselves and not get too emotionally involved. Wouldn't it? It's been going on since time began.

And if someone were to get too emotionally involved, well that's a whole other issue then, isn't it?

It's just sex. If you make a big deal out of it, it will become a 'big deal'.

[VelmaD]

48. People are probably gonna argue with me, but...

this is what I think. I think it taps into something primal in everyone. Despite what some people on this thread will say, everyone contemplates "cheating" from time to time...even if it's just a fleeting thought. But we've been programmed by society to think those thoughts are bad so we have guilt about it. When someone comes along who doesn't seem to suffer from that guilt it really sticks in the craw of some people. So they over-react and get all judgmental and put on a sound and light show to try to hide what they really feel from themselves.

[XNASA]

53. You won't get any argument from me.

I think you're on to something very important when you bring up the 'guilt' aspect. The real guilt isn't from having fun, it's from 'not' being able to have fun within the boundries of one's own relationship.

That's the source of the problem.

[noonwitch]

49. No, because it's wrong

The guy asking would repulse me for that reason alone-I'd feel bad for his wife.

[bearfan454]

50. I'm a married man myself.

Besides, Mrs bearfan is too special to me.

[SoCalDem]

51. Not unless you want to be the "inbetween" person.

If he has kids, he may NEVER leave.. Or, you may be his "adventure", to see if he even WANTS to leave..

If he's willing to hook up with someone he met online, and he admits to being bisexual (but his wife probably doesn't know), who knows "where he's been".. It's a dangerous world out there, and even with precautions, ask yourself.. Is it worth risking YOUR life, for someone you don't even really know, to experiment a bit???

[SW FL Dem]

52. No,

First, I am married and second, the "other woman" always loses.

[TrogL]

58. Presumably he found out he was gay and saved his wife the misery

Note it says was married.