I'm the Son of God. Ask Me anything!

[Jesus Christ]

And no, My children, I am not a Freeper disruptor. The stench of that place hath reached all the way to Heaven and neither Dad or Myself would be caught dead - resurrected or otherwise - in such a place.

[BurtWorm]

1. Hey, Jesus!

How you doin'?

PS: You back fa good? Where was you in 2000? Why come you're late?

[Fridays Child]

7. Yeah. What he said.

Hmm?

[Jesus Christ]

14. The calendars are not exactly accurate.

For one thing, I was actually born in 3 BC, so the real Millenium, ironically enough, was neither 2000 nor 2001.

Also, remember that I said that no one, not even Me, would know the day or the hour of My return, and that it was all on Dad's timetable. But I gave My Posse some major clues, such as Matthew's 24th chapter, concerning what to look for as signs of My return. :-)

[BurtWorm]

43. Where were you in 1003, then, hmmm?

That was the real millennium.

[Maple]

2. How's your mom?

I only wanna talk to REAL power

[Jesus Christ]

11. Mom's doing great.

Though she's threatening to avoid checking her Prayer Messaging mailbox because of all the right wing Catholics asking her to prevent gay marriages. What do they want her to do? Appear on a tortilla in Scalia's lunch box?? :shrug:

[MoonGod]

16. Scalia eats tortillas?

And he carries a lunchbox?

http://enemyoftheearth.org/cartoons.asp?idnum=16&dir=b

[Jesus Christ]

19. He and Clarence Thomas visit Taco Bell often

Clarence avoids drinking cola from cans for some reason, so he spends a lot of time in fast food establishments.

[Occulus]

3. You know,

we need Jesus here.

I mean, seriously. What priest would advocate war?

[Jesus Christ]

15. What priest would advocate war?

None that have truly dedicated themselves to My teachings. For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. And verily, the Catholic church hath sins that the entire world knoweth about. But they did right by My teachings in opposing the Son of Bush and his invasion of the Chaldeans.

[IranianDemocrat]

96. Invasion of the Chaldeans LOL

thats great...

[WilliamPitt]

4. Welcome aboard, Jesus!

I hope to break bread with you some day...without all that messy getting-nailed-to-a-tree stuff for dessert.

[Jesus Christ]

10. The "nailed to a tree stuff" was a one shot deal.

And thank Dad for that!

Ye may all break bread with Me one day very soon. This is where I have to give you all the standard disclaimer, you know "Only the Father knows the exact day and time " and all that, but trust Me, it ain't that far off. Why else would Satan have unleashed PNAC upon the Earth. For the Devil comes to you in great wrath when his time is short.

[WilliamPitt]

13. Are you still able to play the piano?

:)

[Jesus Christ]

21. As good as I ever did

Which is not saying much. Remember that I was unemployed and basically homeless for the three years of My ministry. What would I hath done with a piano? Better I bless others with such musical talent so they could put it to use.

[leftist_rebel1569]

5. so...

do you still have Shrub's lie clock as your ceiling fan?

[Jesus Christ]

8. I loaned it to Satan

figured he needed it down there a lot more than I did in Heaven, where the weather is always perfect. And verily, Lucifer tells me that his office hath never been cooler.

[leftist_rebel1569]

24. But I bet it's still pretty hot, correct?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

6. Love your profile Jesus.

I'm sitting here breaking into a round of "What if God was one of us?" It just seems so fitting. :D

[Insider]

22. pardon me

speaking of profiles, if your post count was a zip code, you'd be right next door to me.

carry on.

[Jesus Christ]

23. I actually like that song

It goes great with My teaching that, as you have done unto the least of these, ye have done unto Me.

This I can tell you. Even though I will not walk the earth again until the appointed time, there are angels who visit this place. Call them Dad's "intelligence agency" if ye will, though unlike some in thy country, they do not wish to take away thy constitution and imprison you.

[leftofthedial]

9. I'm Zeus and I want to know

what makes you think you can crash my party?

Seriously, come on in and have fun.

Want a beer? Or some wine? What am I saying, you probably brought your own wine!

[leftofthedial]

12. Jesus, what was it like

when your dad, in fromt of everyone, wagged his finger and said, "I did not have sex with that virgin."?

Must have been pretty weird.

[Jesus Christ]

18. Contrary to right wing opinions, God does hath a sense of humor

so ye will not be plagued with locusts for that comment. But verily, Dad did not have sex with Mom. It was an "in vitro" fertilization assisted by the angel Gabriel.

[leftofthedial]

20. Man! I could never talk about my mom's vitro that way

in public.

you must be divine.

So do you call him "Uncle Gabriel?"


(thanks for the locust thing.)

[sujan]

25. did your daddy

tell Bush to kill all those muslims?

Bush says he did.

[Jesus Christ]

32. Neither Dad nor Myself said any such thing.

Dad said "Thou shalt not kill".
I said "Love your enemies. Bless them that curse you".

We don't know who George, the son of Bush was listening to.

Hmmmm.... could it be.................. SATAN??

(Yes We do get Saturday Night Live up here)

[Insider]

17. a personal favor

could you say hi to sister helen jean, my old latin teacher. tell her i did much better on that SAT thanks to her. i hope you gave her a nice new hip. she earned it.

e pluribus unum

[Insider]

79. THIS is why i go directly to God

is it me, or has my request been promptly skipped over by the son of God?

[Wonk]

26. What came before the Big Bang?

[liberalpress]

69. I'm not Jesus...

..but that's easy. What came before the big bang was a big dinner and an even bigger bottle of wine!

[never cry wolf]

78. LMAO

i love this site!!

[maveric]

27. Can you see me when I touch myself in an impure manner?

And will I really go to hell for doing so?

[ComerPerro]

30. I can

But don't stop.
Please don't stop.........

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

28. I am the Daughter of God

Hi, Bro!


"Those who love Loving pour forth radiance
These are the sons and daughters of God....
In my lifetime, love in every heart
In my lifetime, peace, peace on earth"....from the Dances of Universal Peace Dance "Those Who Love"

[ComerPerro]

29. What does your middle initial stand for

You know, the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ"?

Thanks.

[Jesus Christ]

33. Actually, it doesn't stand for anything.

The "H" was only added when the Romans insisted that I have a middle initial for my Caesar Security card. They claimed that "everybody" has a middle name. I didn't, so I threw in the initial just so they would shut up about it.

[salin]

66. I thought that it was either a) Holy... or b) the romans playing a pun and

holey. :D

[catpower2000]

31. How could you let "Gigli" happen? nt

[Jesus Christ]

34. Verily, the Messiah does not involve Himself in the movie industry

For if I did, would most of them be total crap? I did hear a rumor that Satan wrote the script for Gigli, but that hath not yet been confirmed.

[catpower2000]

35. Thank you! I would also really like to know the answer above...

about when one touches oneself. Can you really see that, and are we in deep shit later on?

Cat

[GOPisEvil]

36. When you die...ask to be buried in your summer clothes!

:evilgrin: Hey - I'll be right there with ya, shorts and a t-shirt, please.

[Jesus Christ]

37. The Son of God is no pervert, and neither is My Dad

We have better things to do than spy on the human race in their private moments all day long. As for the act itself..... well, let's just say it's better than fornication or adultery. Adultery was on Dad's top 10 list. Seems that many have forgotten that.

[CO Liberal]

38. Is Your Father's Name Really "Howard"?

As in "Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."

[Jesus Christ]

39. No, that was a mistranslation.

My Father hath many names, but Howard is not among them.

[bearfartinthewoods]

100. thank Go...i mean thank goodness

i'm so relieved to hear that howard is not God.

bad bear....BAD bear...flame me if you must.

NO NO NO...i take that back,,,no flames please.

what was i thinking?

[trogdor]

40. Dude, can you teach me how to make wine out of water?

Maybe transform a bottle of Evian into a really nice merlot. That would be swell.

[Jesus Christ]

55. If ye had the faith of a mustard seed, ye could do it thyself.

.... but then, who would drink mustard wine? (yuck!)

[Lady Freedom]

41. Are you...

afraid that the man upstairs is going to fry your but with a lighting bolt for possing?

[Jesus Christ]

56. Not in the least....

.... for if ye do not believe that I am truly the Son of Man than at least believe that My presence here is in no way meant to mock or belittle His teachings, but rather to provide the "other side" of all the negative press that Dad and I have received lately as a result of the Republican ignorance and hatred.

[soleft]

42. What do you think of Mel Gibson

Should he use subtitles?

[Jesus Christ]

57. I have not yet seen the movie.

But since Me and Mel seem to be the only two people alive who speaketh Aramaic, then perhaps he should asketh himself how those not completely familiar with My story are supposed to follow the movie. Then again, visuals of scenes such as the Sermon on the Mount, the Last Supper, and the Crucifixion should be obvious to most even without understanding dialog.

[kentuck]

44. Just to settle an argument....

What kind of car do you drive?

[Jesus Christ]

59. I hath no need of a car in Heaven.

If there had been motor vehicles during My time on earth, I suppose I might have owned one. In My case, since I always had 12 guys travelling with Me, and often even more people, I might have needed a large vehicle like a Suburban or an Excursion. For one vehicle for the 13 of us would hath been better for the environment than 13 individual smaller cars. Judas probably would hath owned an SUV anyway, as materialistic as he was.

[CO Liberal]

45. Do You Want to Bitch-Slap Jerry Falwell......

... for spreading hatred in Your name????

[Jesus Christ]

60. Yes

For he who preaches in My name and does not keep My teachings and commandments is like the hypocritical Pharisees. At the day of Judgment such will be turned away from My kingdom as workers of iniquity.

[LearnedHand]

46. What WOULD Jesus Do?

Do you have to ask Yourself that?

[deutsey]

47. Boxers of briefs?

.

[Jesus Christ]

52. Boxers now, but...

.....loincloth back in the day (as seen in the Crucifixion pictures)

[Hubert Flottz]

48. Is Gawd's real name Andy?

Andy walks with me;
Andy talks with me;
Andy tells me I am his own;
Are those really hidden clues?

[LincolnMcGrath]

49. Why do women always

scream your name when I`m with them?

[Jesus Christ]

53. Careful, My son...

...sounds like ye are confessing to sin!

[linazelle]

50. Did Your Dad Really Tell Bush to Wage War?

:eyes:

[Jesus Christ]

54. Absolutely not!

The last time Dad said anything to the son of Bush was in November of 2000.

He said "Ye lost. Get over it!!"

Obviously Bush was not listening.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

51. What did you write in the sand? n/t

[Jesus Christ]

83. It was just some random doodling

I do that when I am deep in thought sometimes. And besides, it sure messed with the Pharisees' minds, did it not?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

58. How much do you charge for

kitchen cabinets?

Do you do bathroom tile work too?

My house needs serious redemption...

[Jesus Christ]

61. I gave up the carpentry business.....

...after learning first hand (and second, and feet as well) what the wood feels like with nails being pounded into it.

[Birthmark]

62. What does the "H" stand for?

I keep hearing people say, "Jesus H. Christ", so I'm wondering since I can't find it in the Bible anywhere? What does the "H" stand for? Henry? Hermann? Howie (my favorite)?

[dolo amber]

63. YAY!! I've wanted to ask you this for years!!

Right, so which is it, fer chrissake? Are we God's *chosen people* or are we not?? Why does everyone I know who is a *Christian* insist that we ARE God's chosen, but, due to a change of policy, we now DO have to accept that you are the Messiah and that you indeed, have already come? And WHY did you not bother mentioning this to any of us, or did I just miss the memo that day at temple when I was actually out back in the garden smooching with Robert Simon? :shrug:

[Jesus Christ]

84. Let not your heart be troubled....

....for ye must remember that I am also a Jew. My disciples were Jews and the audience who I spoke to when I walked this earth were mostly Jews. I know that many of My own people rejected Me as the Messiah the first time I was here, and some continue to do so. That does not offend Me, for I know that the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob shall recognize Me when I return. As long as ye are keeping the laws which My Father gave unto Moses, thou art cool with Me :thumbsup:

[ronnykmarshall]

64. You have great abs.

How do you stay in such good shape?

[Jesus Christ]

95. My Dad designed the human body, remember?

So, verily, I hath a copy of the blueprints :D

Also there is no junk food in Heaven, so it is easy to keep thy carbs low.

[maveric]

65. Why did you all sit on the same side of the table at The Last Supper?

Was the place full and you had to take the table by the kitchen?

[Jesus Christ]

98. The actual table was smaller and round.

Da Vinci painted it the way he did so he wouldn't get the back of any of the Apostles' heads.

[Samuraimad]

67. What is this shit jesus!?!??

I hope to your father this is not you trying to rap, or I'll crucify you myself!! :mad: He goes by White Jesus.
Warnign to anyone who clicks this link, this guy is REALLY bad. Yet I can't stop laughing.

http://www.soundclick.com/util/streamM3U.m3u?ID=176541&q=Lo

[AntiCoup2K4]

68. If Jesus DID rap, would He sound like the Beastie Boys??

Or are there any other Jewish rappers?

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

70. OHH I have a question!

When Judas betrayed you or whatever, did you secretly want to kick his ass? I know I probably would have! :D

On edit: Why'd you set up www.datejesus.com? Getting lonely up there in the pearly gates? :shrug:

[Jesus Christ]

85. Of course I wanted to kick his ass!

For I was as human then as any of you. Even though I had known what would happen to Me, that did not make betrayal any easier to take. But verily, if I had struck down Judas, the religious hypocrites, or the Roman soldiers who came to arrest Me, then how would I be any better than they?

Which is what I told Simon Peter when he tried to kick some ass. As for Judas, the guilt of his betrayal drove him to punish himself for his sins. He was dead before I was, by his own hand.

[catpower2000]

71. I just want you to know, this is one of the all-time best threads on DU...

Very, very nice job.

Cat

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

72. I bookmarked it!

LOL :)

[Bake]

73. Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?

And if so, did You die for them too? I've always wondered about that. Oh, and just exactly how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Not trying to be a pain, but I know some people have argued about that last one for centuries now.

Bake

[Jesus Christ]

91. Remember my last sermon to My disciples before I ascended to heaven?

Did I not tell them that I had other sheep who were not of their fold and them I also must visit??

I can understand the primitive minds of the writers of Old Testament scripture who believed that Earth was the center of thy universe and that the sun, moon, and stars were merely lightbulbs that Dad placed in the sky for thy benefit.

What I cannot understand are those today, who look upon the vast universe and believe that We put all of those galaxies out there just for thy amusement and that earth is the only planet with life. Such people talk much but understand little. We do not create anything without a purpose.

As for the number of angels on the head of the pin, it dependeth on the size of the pin.

[LynneSin]

74. Are you white or brown skinned?

I was always amazed at all of the pictures of Jesus being shown as a "WASP" so to speak even though he lived in an area where 'brown' skin was much the norm.

Can you clear this up for me. I really believe there are alot of pictures out there painted incorrectly.

[Jesus Christ]

90. I will answer thy question with another question.

Why does it matter?

For how does it matter whether or not the Son of Man hath this skin color or that one?

The prophecies said I would be born in Bethlehem, the city of David. And so I was. The prophecies also said I would be from David's lineage, which I was through My stepfather Joseph, who was considered My father by all who knew Me as a child. And so for these reasons of fulfilled prophecy, was the Son of Man born a Jew in a city which, ironically enough, is now considered Palestinian territory by most.

Verily, ye hath seen people from the Middle East, surely.. While it's true that many Jews now living in Israel are very light skinned, it is because they or their parents returned to the land of their ancestors after centuries in Europe. Those who hath always lived in the Middle East and hath not intermarried with northern Gentiles hath a darker skin color.

I love My Mormon children as much as I do any others, but let's face it, their depictions of Me as blonde and blue-eyed are total fabrications.

Does that answer thy question? :-)

[ButterflyBlood]

75. Who's more a man of Your Father?

Jerry Falwell or Gene Robinson?

[Jesus Christ]

92. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

For if ye make it thy place to determine whether Jerry Falwell or Gene Robinson is a better Christian or "more of a man of God" then someone shall judge you by the same standard.

(Strictly off the record though, it's Gene by a long shot)

[Cocoa]

76. why do bad things happen to good people?

[Jesus Christ]

93. Because Satan is the god of this world

And the Bushes work for him.

[TEXASYANKEE]

77. Thanks

for being my friend. I have no questions at this time.

[Bake]

80. And thanks for being there.

When I needed you, and when I didn't even know I needed you.

Your friend,
Bake

[Jesus Christ]

94. Ye are both welcome.

And remember that Dad and I are always there. Even when the darkness seemeth overwhelming :-(

[BansheeBarbie]

81. Is There Reincarnation?

Were you married to Mary Magdalene?

[Jesus Christ]

97. Ah, I was waiting for the Mary Magdalene question.....

.....What I can tell you is that I cared for Mary very much. Not just as her Lord and Savior but as a man with all the temptations of any other. I did not marry her and begin a family with her because it would not hath been right. I knew I would be leaving this world at the age of 33 and did not want to leave a widow to care for children. My stepfather Joseph died when I was in My late teens and I had younger brothers and sisters who then lost their father at such an age. Joseph didn't know his future, but I knew Mine.

If I had been able to live unto an old age on this world, I probably would have taken Mary as My wife.

[SweetZombieJesus]

82. What does the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stand for?

I suspect it's Hyman.

[Zhade]

86. Perhaps only You can answer this...

It has plagued me for years.

With a name like Smuckers, does it have to be good?

[never cry wolf]

87. Is it true

as the Catholic Church and many Christian religions espouse that only people in "their" branch, or Christians in general will get to go to heaven? How about all of the good jews, muslims, bhuddists, etc. How about Ghandi, for Cripe sakes.

As a follow up, how literally should we take the Bible? I mean, even the new testament was passed down by word of mouth for hundreds of years and had gone through numerous language translations and interpretations. If we are to take it literally, which version??

[sujan]

88. what do you think of evolution?

and Charles Darwin?
and the creationists?
and the Evangelists?
and Homosexuality and heterosexuality?
and Masturbation and sex?
and Stem Cell Research?
and Science in general?

[sujan]

89. what would you drive?

SUVs? Cars? Jet Planes?

I reckon if you say what and who you are, you'd walk.

[maveric]

99. Will the Red Sox ever win the World Series again?

And did getting rid of Babe Ruth really warrant such a curse?
Could you ask him to cut us some slack here?

[bearfartinthewoods]

101. thank you Lord for thinkin' bout me

i'm alive and doin' fine.

[Ein]

102. Am I going to hell?

I'm agnostic and greatly admire your teachings. I try to live well, but do not openly declare myself a Christian, Islamic, or Jew... does that mean I am going to hell?

Isn't Sunday your Dads day off?

[Quahog]

103. This is such a cool thread

Thanks, JC, for keepin' it real. And thanks, DUers, for doing this right rather than sinking down into flamedom.

I have no questions at this time, Jesus. I'll be seeing you... but please, not TOO soon, there's still some stuff I'd like to get done down here!

[GOPisEvil]

104. This thread is going down amongst the classics in DU history.

I have enjoyed The Savior's responses immensely! :-)

[sangh0]

105. Does you really save?

Or does it just seem that way because your Dad provides you with a really big expense account?

[BansheeBarbie]

106. Who Would Of Thought I'd Get To Kick Jesus' Thread?

:)

[sangh0]

107. It looks like

Christ has forsaken us!!

[catzies]

108. Jesus, what about the Eastern religions?

Have you met the Buddha, either on the road or otherwise? What about Vishnu, or Shiva or Brahma? Do you believe in karma? If you and your Dad are the highest power and people believe in you, what do you believe in?

[myrna minx]

109. This is my all time favorite thread on DU.

Thank you Jesus. :hi: This has made my day. :-)