BREAKING: Santa Only Gifting Rich Kids This Year Due to War on Christmas!

[wakemewhenitsover]

Through his spokes-elf, Jingle McBellan, Santa explained that, due to necessary North Pole spending cuts related to the War on Christmas...

Children of low-income families and in foster care will have to make do with lumps of coal and switches in their Christmas stockings.

McBellan reassured children of the wealthiest 10%, however, that they will still be receiving iPod's, Xbox's, PlayStations, and, for rich girls who've been especially good...

The new Plastic Surgery Barbie Doll, complete with mini-botox and collagen lip injection kit, plus Ferragamo dominatrix doll shoes, just like Condi Rice's!

[ticapnews]

1. I liked Denis Leary's "Merry F&$#ing Christmas" special on Comedy Central

with Carmen Electra pimping a new cause: Tits for tots. Because millions of teenage girls who are flat-chested will not have the benefit of knowing they can get whatever they want just because of their massive chests. They will have to actually go on casting calls, they will have to spend time talking with nerds and fat losers to get dates and will have to work for a living. It was a brilliant piece of satire, which probably offended a bunch of people who make their own living by being offended by satire.

[LisaM]

2. Y'know, I was thinking almost exactly the same thing today

I was doing some shopping, and really, the streets and stores seemed quiet. I think sales are going to take a dive this year (everyone I know just got hit with their first home heating bill...) It seemed that Christmas this year really is just for rich people.

[wakemewhenitsover]

5. Especially cutting back on foster-care grandparents today.

[unpossibles]

3. on the bright side, when given coal and switches...

...the children said, "at least we have a little bit of fuel for warmth." Upon hearing this, the White House has successfully petitioned to have the traditional coal replaced with toxic polymer coal-replica rocks. Story at 11.

[wakemewhenitsover]

4. lol