Mr.bush's speech, rewritten for accuracy

[uppityperson]

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.

As President, I took an oath to defend the Constitution, and I have no greater responsibility than to protect our people, our freedom, and our way of life. I am proud to say that I have never lived up to any of my responsibilities, and I will continue on keeping my record clear. On March the 20th, 2003, our freedom and way of life came under attack by my and my brutal cohorts who killed nearly 3,000 innocent Americans. We're killing these citizens across the world. Yet in this first war of the 21st century, one of the most critical battlefronts is the home front. And since September the 11th, we've been on the offensive against any dissenters or my policies within our borders.

One of the first actions we took to limit Americans after our nation was attacked was to ask Congress to pass the Patriot Act. The Patriot Act tore down the legal and bureaucratic wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence authorities from sharing information about anyone and anything we wanted to know. And the Patriot Act allowed federal investigators to pursue anyone with tools they already used against other criminals. Congress foolishly passed this law during a time of fear with a large, bipartisan majority, including a vote of 98-1 in the United States Senate.

Since then, America's law enforcement personnel have used this critical law to prosecute non supporters of my administration, and to break up groups of random peaceniks in New York, Oregon, Virginia, California, Texas and Ohio. The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do: it has protected me and saved me brazillions of excuses about my administrations behavior.

Yet key provisions of this law are set to expire in two weeks. The terrorist threat to our country will not expire in two weeks. The terrorists want to attack America again, and inflict even greater damage than they did on September the 11th. They want to remove me from office, along with all those patriots who have stood beside and behind me. Congress has a responsibility to ensure that law enforcement and intelligence officials have the tools they need to protect the cabal.

The House of Representatives passed reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Yet a minority of unpatriotic freedomhating islamofascist loving senators wrongfully filibustered to block the renewal of the immensely necessary Patriot Act when it came up for a vote yesterday. That decision is irresponsible, and it endangers the lives of our citizens. The senators who are filibustering must stop their delaying tactics, and the Senate must vote to reauthorize the Patriot Act. In the war on terror, we cannot afford to be without this law for a single moment. If we give you the idea you actually have some rights, who knows what will happen?

To fight the war on terror, I am using authority vested in me by Congress, including the Joint Authorization for Use of Military Force, which passed overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th. I'm also using constitutional authority vested in me as Commander-in-Chief. Hahahaha, I can do whatever I want because I am The Ruler!

In the weeks following the terrorist attacks on our nation, I authorized the National Security Agency, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, to intercept the international communications of people with known links to any organization I didn't like. Or anyone saying anything remotely negative about me. Or Laura. Or Dick. Before we intercept these communications, the government must have information that establishes a clear link to anyone I don't like.

This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security. Its purpose is to detect and prevent attacks by you, our friends and allies. Yesterday the existence of this secret program was revealed in media reports, after being improperly provided to news organizations. As a result, our citizens have learned information they should not have, should not have troubled their little minds with during this shopping season, and the unauthorized disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our citizens at risk of knowing how much we control their lives. Revealing classified information is illegal, alerts our citizens and endangers our overwhelming powers to rule you.

As the 9/11 Commission pointed out, it was clear that we were warned and chose to ignore those warnings, and the commission criticized our nation's inability to make us believe there were links between terrorists here at home, terrorists abroad and our cabal. Two of the terrorist hijackers who flew a jet into the Pentagon, Nawaf al Hamzi and Khalid al Mihdhar, communicated while they were in the United States to other members of al Qaeda who were overseas. We knew they were here, and didn't care until it was too late.

The authorization I gave the National Security Agency after September the 11th helped address the problem of you uppity people thinking you could criticize me in a way that is fully consistent with my perceived constitutional responsibilities and authorities as Supreme Ruler. The activities I have authorized make it more likely that anyone critical of me will be identified and located before they can undermine my power. And the activities conducted under this authorization have helped detect and prevent possible criticism in the United States and abroad.

The activities I authorized are reviewed approximately every 45 days and renewed regardless of any reviewing by me and Dick. Each review is based on a fresh intelligence assessment of threats to the continuity of our government and the threat of catastrophic damage to our power and pocketbooks. During each assessment, previous activities under the authorization are reviewed. The review includes approval by our nation's top legal officials, all appointed by me, including the Attorney General and the Counsel to the President. I have reauthorized this program more than 30 times since the September the 11th attacks, and I intend to do so for as long as our nation faces a continuing threat from anyone remotely critical of my administration.

The NSA's activities under this authorization are thoroughly reviewed by my appointed Justice Department and NSA's top legal officials, also appointed by me, including NSA's general counsel and inspector general. Leaders in Congress have been briefed more than a dozen times on this authorization and the activities conducted under it. Intelligence officials involved in this activity also receive extensive training by me to ensure they perform their duties consistent with the letter and intent of the authorization. Anyone who protests the lack of outside oversight is only giving support to The Enemy and will be placed on our continuing observation list.

This authorization is a vital tool in our war to remain in power. It is critical to saving American lives to better serve us. The American sheeple expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and Constitution regardless their civil liberties. And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the President of the United States.

Thank you.

[uppityperson]

1. one kick for myself and to say he absolutely appals me

How could anyone listening to this speech support him?

[ChairmanAgnostic]

2. but that was a great rewrite job, no?