A very long, very personal rant (or: Sunday with the Repuke Family)

[Sapphocrat]

You might not want to stick with this one. It's long, and it might not mean much to anyone except me... although, if you've had to deal with idiots in your own family, it might provide some meager comfort in the Commiseration Department.

OK, so recently I replied to the question, " What do you do when a family member starts trashing liberals or democrats?" with "Cut them off..."

Yesterday, I was forced (by my own stupidly kindhearted self) not to cut them off.

I wish I had been more hardhearted, and refused to be within 100 miles of them, but it didn't work out that way.

I was supposed to go to NYC last Wednesday night. My flight was delayed due to inclement weather on the east coast by some six hours, and, rather than spend all that time hanging around the airport (San Jose, mind you, which isn't exactly the most fascinating place to waste that much of your life) -- and not really knowing whether or not my plane would really be ready to go by that time -- I opted for a later (next day) flight.

One thing led to another... To cut to the chase, I cancelled my trip, with the intention of trying again before the end of the year.

That's not all that important. What is important is (are?) the consequences of staying home.

By staying here, I was subjected to the visit of my Cousin from Idaho (capitalization due to her semi-legendary status here on DU) -- a generally screwed-up 50-something (screwed up thanks to a pair of really screwed-up parents) on whom I once spent an inordinate amount of time -- like, three years -- trying to convince that * was NOT a "good Christian" (and thus deserving of her, or anybody's vote)... and who has sent her son, pratically since birth, to one of those horrible "Christian academies" where they teach...

Well, let's re-cap:

A couple of years ago, Idaho Cousin's Son went on a field trip to the local natural history museum. After the museum curator was done taking the kids around and explaining the exhibits, Son's teacher quickly rounded up the class and said to the effect: "Don't you listen to what she (the curator) had to say... Everything she said is wrong. We all know that dinosaurs existed as the same time as man, and the earth is only 6,000 years old..."

Yeah, one of those schools. In a state where there's no such thing as Martin Luther King, Jr., Day, but "Human Rights Day." (Be surprised -- be very surprised -- that they don't just call it "Minimal Toleration of Non-White and/or Non-Heterosexual Heathens We'd Really Rather Stone to Death in the Streets Day.")

While none of my other cousins (there's a total of ten of us) would have anything to do with Idaho Cousin (more about that in a minute), I did my damnedest to overcome my own natural distaste for everything about her chosen lifestyle (sorry, Christians, but overzealous Xianity -- emphasis on the "X" -- is a chosen lifestyle) and tried to understand exactly where she was coming from. Part of my motivation was selfish -- of course I wanted to open her eyes and steer her away from the repukes, and the crackpot fundy community she was involved with. But part of it was a self-discipline thing; i.e., good liberals are supposed to be empathic and forgiving, and try to find whatever common threads that bind us all, so that we can come to an understanding, a--

Oh, what bullshit doing the "right" thing can be.

Over the past few years, she would visit out here from time to time, and I took advantage of those times to talk about many serious subjects with her. I didn't browbeat her, but I did question why she felt the way she did about certain issues. I tried, in as passive a way as I could, to make her understand that I didn't see everything through the filter of "politics"; what she called "politics" -- and "issues" -- were not mere politics or mere issues to me: they represented "core values," the thing that shaped your entire outlook on life, and the way you treated other people.

I also tried to make her understand that an informed opinion is the only valid opinion. I tried to make her understand that I didn't care what conclusion she came to, as long as she knew why she came to that conclusion -- that following what you were told to do by Faux News wasn't reason enough for doing anything.

And I tried to make her understand that her actions directly affected my life. I figured if she couldn't get past the numbing revelation (see also: "cognitive dissonance") that a vote for * was the unequivocal advocation of bombing little brown babies out of existence, maybe she could understand how her vote was directly keeping fc and me apart. (She knew fc, she actually validated our relationship despite her social conservatism about LGBT people, and she sensed at least some of our pain in being kept apart.)

By early 2004, she had made up her mind to vote for Kerry/Edwards in November. Or so she told me. After the election, she confessed to me on the phone that, once inside the booth, she again cast her vote for * -- because, in the end, he was a "good Christian man."

I'll wait until you're able to fight down your gag reflex. Go ahead, take your time -- I'll be here when you get back.

Better now? OK, have a stiff drink, or a toke or something, and we'll continue...

I couldn't forgive her -- not for voting for *, but for the "reason" she did -- and because I felt like a goddamned fool for wasting that much time with her.

And, until this weekend, I never spoke to her again.

Flash forward.

So, this past Saturday, Idaho Cousin comes and stays at my Mom's house, and I can't very well hide the fact that I'm in town. The reason Idaho Cousin is down here is her brother's birthday. She wants to throw him a surprise party, and, rather than make my Mom sad and miserable (Mom's a flaming lib, but the truly evolved sort that's too forgiving for her own good), I tell Mom: "Before we even get into the conversation, I'll make you happy right now and cave in, and go to this thing. But it's NOT for anyone else's sake -- it is to make YOU happy, and I'll tell you right now, I am NOT happy about my own decision."

Don't blame Mom -- I could have gotten out of it, but the woman is, like, 84 years old and a saint, and I figure it's a nice thing to do, for her, even if I have to grit my teeth through the whole damn thing.

OK, so Idaho Cousin comes, and I am on my best behavior. No talk of politics, religion, or anything other controversial subjects -- which leaves me pretty much without anything to say. Not that politics is my life, but, just as in other households where subjects like football are the constant topic of conversation, politics is the constant topic with me and my Mom.

But I was good. And very, very quiet.

So, Sunday comes, and Mom and I go to this restaurant in Santa Clara where not only will there be Idaho Cousin and her extended family, but my own extended family (on Mom's side), most of whom I would detest, were it in my nature to actually admit I "detest" anyone. (Hypocritical? Yeah, but I never said I was Gandhi.)

We sat at a table with a bunch of old people (on Idaho Cousin's side) whom I barely knew/had never met, which was OK by me. I figured, by their age and income range, they were probably all repukes, but as long as nobody brought up anything political, I could cruise along on such innocuous subjects as health problems, the housing boom, parallel parking...

It worked, too -- at least until somebody mentioned the possibility of moving to Florida (which I am now convinced is the Old People's Valhalla), and somebody else mentioned the heat, the humidity, and the bugs. "Yeah, bugs" says one. "You mean the Cubans."

Har-de-har-de-fuckin'-har.

Oh, kids, don't even think we've got to the worst of it yet. Take another toke. It will help.

That really was the worst I heard out of the old folks at our table. It's bad, sure, but...

At some point, after running around playing hostess for a while, Idaho Cousin comes and sits next to me to eat her dinner. Nothing much happened -- I didn't give her (or anyone) any ammo... but then Eldest Cousin (the one who loves to goad me, the one who has a life-size standee of * in his office, the one whose son joined the Army and was shipped to Iraq last year, the one who tells me he'll "straighten me out" politically -- and who tried to "straighten" me out IN MY MOTHER'S ICU ROOM a couple of years ago) came and sat down next to Idaho Cousin to chat.

I did get a frosty hello from him when I first walked in, and that was the end of our contact. Until he came and sat down...

There is no doubt in my mind that his conversation with Idaho Cousin was purely for my benefit. It would be an understatement to say I was within earshot; I was within two feet of the sonofabitch.

And this is what he said...

"The media isn't telling the truth about what's REALLY going on in Iraq. My son's commander sends a weekly newsletter home to all the families... He tells us what's REALLY going on... They only show the bad things on the news, and that's so little of what's REALLY going on... The media is distorting everything, and trying to discredit Bush... There was this referendum they voted on in Iraq last Saturday, and my son's commander said you wouldn't believe how the streets of Baghdad were shut down... People were standing in line to vote... And when our soldiers came through, EVERYONE cheered and waved... ALL the Iraqis are HAPPY that we're there... They don't WANT us to pull out..."

It went on like this for more than an hour. And, for more than an hour, Idaho Cousin was, like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh..." She perked up more when Eldest Cousin told her, "ALL my children are Republicans," to which she related how her 14-year-old (the "young-earth" brainwashing victim) was already a dyed-in-the-wool Republican, how he wanted to join the Air Force and go off and bomb the enemy (!), and how, if he couldn't make it into the USAF, wanted to be a minister...

And, for more than an hour, my Mom watched the blood rise in my neck, and patted my hand under the table... and I told her that I felt like a thermometer that was about to pop, and if this wasn't her family, I would leap across the table and punch some sense into Eldest Cousin...

But I didn't.

Idaho Cousin did change the subject from time to time (not purposely, I'm sure, but simply because she is the sort who is easily distracted, especially by Bright, Shiny Objects), yet Eldest Cousin predictably dragged the subject back to pro-war politics.

At the end, he told her: "I really enjoy talking to you, (Her Name) -- you've got the right philosophy." Emphasis on the word "right."

It was deliberate. It was loud. It was for me.

He knows where I stand. We have gone head-to-head repeatedly, endlessly, until I finally told him I no longer wanted to discuss with him any subject more controversial than the weather, ever again.

Here's the kicker: He -- and ALL THE REST of my cousins -- NEVER had any use for Idaho Cousin. She was the outcast, the weird one, the geeky teacher's pet type no normal kid could stand to be around. The sort the most committed Zen Buddhist monk would be tempted to punch out, just for existing, she was so annoying.

Here's another kicker: The rest of the cousins never had any use for Birthday Cousin (Idaho Cousin's younger brother), either. Birthday Cousin is the youngest of all us cousins, four years younger than I am. Birthday Cousin used to be very annoying himself, mostly for the same reasons Idaho Cousin always was: Their mother (my aunt) was obsessively... neurotic. Not quite psychotic, but close. She was always "at" them, for lack of a better word. Overprotective is an understatement. Harsh. Shrill. Relatively harmless physically, but crazy.

What made things worse was the fact that Birthday Cousin is retarded. He had one of those labor-related incidents -- perfectly normal pregnancy, until they realized the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, cutting off oxygen to his brain. He ended up with an IQ of 40 (what the clinicians not so long ago placed in the "moron" catageory), and an emotional aptitude that would never go beyond the age of eight (if he was lucky).

His motor skills have always sucked. I remember holding him when he was an infant (what cuter photo is there than of a four-year-old holding a baby?), and he lay there, limbs akimbo, like a rag doll. When he was 7 or 8, he tripped (he always tripped, he stills trips, over nothing) in the bathroom, and didn't have the coordination to put his hands up as he went down, pitching face-first into the rim of the bathtub, knocking out his front teeth. Today, at 40, he has a strange, crippled gait, as if one leg were locked due to some sort of muscular condition. There's nothing physically wrong with him, say his doctors; they chalk it up to some cerebral short circuit they can't find.

He is generally a happy, optimistic 40-year-old man, who happens to be developmentally disabled. He wasn't always as easy to deal with as he is now; he had a long, terrifying bout with schizophrenia (related to his retardation? who knows?), and when they got that under control, the meds he was on turned him into a virtual zombie. Whatever the docs have done since, it's worked: He's now one of the most pleasant, agreeable people you'd ever want to meet, and he's not drugged up all the time.

He may be a "moron," but he's no idiot. Like my father before me, I have always kidded him mercilessly about one thing or another (girls, the amount of food he can pack away, harmless things like that) -- and he gets the joke. He's not stupid. And when I call him on the phone, all I say is "It's your favorite cousin," and he knows it's me, and he's happy to hear from me. He tells everybody I'm his "favorite cousin," and not under duress. Whether he really feels that way, I don't know (I hope so); maybe it just delights him to have an inside joke with me. It doesn't really matter.

That said...

When we were kids, the rest of my cousins wanted nothing to do with him. I thought he was a pain in the ass, too -- not because he was retarded, but because he was spoiled rotten by a mother who wouldn't let him do anything for himself. (That changed when he was a teenager, and went to live in a house for developmentally-disabled adults, where he has positively thrived. For many years now, he's had a job with City of Hope, where he labels boxes or stuffs envelopes. It doesn't pay much, but that's not the point; the point is, he's a working man, and proud of it.)

Nevertheless, it was always MY parents who -- especially after his father died, and his mother became ill and couldn't keep him at home anymore -- made sure he was taken care of, that he had a home (ours) to go on holidays, that somebody phoned him all the time, visited him, took him out for no special reason...

There were plenty of things about him that irritated me -- but my parents were the best role models on earth, and he was simply part of the family. I wasn't going to tiptoe around him, or treat him like he was going to break, just because he couldn't make change from a dollar to save his life. We treated him like we would treat anybody in the family. And it made -- and makes -- him happy. Of that I have no doubt.

That said...

Eldest Cousin has a bunch of kids. Not too long ago, Eldest Cousin's only daughter took some sort of religion class (these are hardcore Catholics), in which all participants had to find some out-of-class "project" to do for... Hell, I don't know, for the good of their fellow man, I guess.

So, Only Daughter got the idea to do something nice for Birthday Cousin (who is Eldest Cousin's cousin, and Only Daughter's second cousin). She took him out somewhere...

Since then, Eldest Cousin's family has gotten the idea to take Birthday Cousin to 49ers games, and out to dinner, and...

And I'm resenting it. Sure, it's nice of them to do. Sure, he enjoys it.

But they didn't pay one goddamned bit of attention to him for the first forty years of his life -- they weren't there when he had a schizo freak-out and ran down the road because some imaginary killer was chasing him, or when his mother seized and had to be taken to the hospital, or when his mother had to be moved from her house into a nursing home...

And now, all of a sudden, he is their special "project."

These are re-PUKES, rich, major * contributors, to a one, who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. And nothing in the world can convince me that their sudden fawning over their poor, little, retarded cousin is anything but a way to make themselves feel positively grand about themselves.

Never mind that my family has always been there for him, and for his mother while she was alive. Never mind that they always MOCKED him (and Idaho Cousin), and pointed fingers, and giggled over how fucked up that family was.

Never mind that they vote with their pocketbooks, and don't have to worry about his future, because his fucked-up family is so obsecenly wealthy, he's got a trust fund to take care of him for the rest of his life. (What if he didn't? What if he had to rely on Medicare? Would they take him in before letting him rot in some state-run "snake pit" somewhere?)

Never mind that my sister is named as his guardian in case something happens to his sister. Never mind how fucking huge a responsibility that is -- to agree to take charge of another human being's life, a human being who can't possibly look after his own affairs.

How dare they be so fucking holier-than-thou now? How dare they throw dinners for Birthday Cousin without so much as inviting my mother -- who has been the absolute ROCK of the whole damned, undeserving family for longer than these pukes have been alive?

They make me want to vomit. Literally. Something in the pit of me churns at the very thought of them.

You can respond to this post, DUers, or not, as you like. I always appreciate your feedback, even though I know, in this case, there's not a bit of advice that would "fix" any of this -- least of all my own revulsion at the mere exietence of these (to steal a most fitting word from NSMA) neanderfucks.

I just needed to get this off my chest, out of my system... and I know I always have a sympathetic ear here. And I thank you for that, for reading this, whether you reply or not.

I just had to get it out. Thanks for listening.

[Ken Burch]

1. Holy...Living...Fuck.....

I was actually shuddering as I read that.

If we lived in the same town, I'd buy you ten or twelve drinks just to help you recover from that event, but even that wouldn't be enough and the resulting hangover might actually be worse(barely possible, but possible, still).

God, what tricks of genetics make us put up with.

Rant more if you need to, my friend, that was truly horrific.

[Sapphocrat]

5. Thanks, Ken...

I think what I'm suffering is some sort of "karmic hangover" -- i.e., What did I do to deserve these people? - and - I sure hope my last life was worth this! LOL

I know it could be worse -- they could have been my immediate family! (God forbid!) That they're not is the one consolation.

[Ken Burch]

48. Here's something I just came up with to help take your mind off

those relatives:

(Obviously, sung to the tune of the "Addams Family" theme):

They're arrogant and greedy
they make fun of the needy
they're altogether seedy
The Repuke Family!

They're smug and overbearing
And fur coats they are wearing
They don't believe in sharing
The Repuke Family!

duhduhduhduh...They're fools
duhduhduhduh...They're cruel
duhduhduhduh...They're skunks
duhduhduhduh...They're drunk!

They're grasping and they're stealing
They're totally unfeeling
They make you hit the ceiling
The Repuke Family!

They think they can't be beaten
Cause they're sides best at cheatin'
But soon we'll be unseatin'
The Whole Bush Family!

[cornermouse]

2. Well

Retardation and schizophrenia are not the same. If he is able, his ability to recognize that he can't and won't have a normal life and inability to cope with that fact could be the key?

I'd have walked out and collected Mom later. Was there a shopping center near the restaurant?

[Sapphocrat]

7. Could be...

Although, the schizophrenia kicked in full-force not long after the death of his father. (Related? Impossible to know.) He was consumed by thoughts of death for years (although when his mother died, he reacted quite well, and has since)... but that could be coincidental, too.

Yep, there doesn't seem to be a correlation between retardation & schizophrenia -- I've always figured he could have ended up schizophrenic anyway. Who knows?

LOL... I did warn Mom that there was every possibility I would walk out and pick her up in a couple of hours. I walked out three or four times just to get some fresh air, but I couldn't follow through on blowing out completely.

Contrary to my reputation around here, I can be too nice at times. ;)

[cornermouse]

8. I should say so.

Speaking from personal experience, when his grandfather died, I had to cope with my disabled child's reversion to behavior that he had stopped long ago. And I do know that if they can recognize the difference between their own life and the stages that everyone else goes through; driver's licenses, moving out of the house and into an apartment, that it sometimes makes them unhappy and they react. Often inappropriately because they don't know how to handle the frustration.

[Sapphocrat]

12. I think he recognizes the limitations...

...but I also thinks he just accepts it all (driving, moving out, etc.) as things that some people do, and others don't. Maybe for my cousin, it's "cushioned" somewhat because the difference between the obsessively sheltered life his mother provided and the life he has now is so marked.

For example, his mother trailed him around as if he couldn't do anything on his own without falling apart. They lived in a two-level house; she wouldn't let him climb the stairs by himself (and we're talking up until the point he did move out, around age 16, 17). When he finally landed in his first adult-care home, the caretakers were aghast at how much he couldn't do; they actually had to teach him how to wield a broom and a rake; I don't think he knew how to dial the phone by himself. (He sure does now; the guy is a phone fanatic, calling his aunts and uncles constantly just to say hello. LOL) The caretakers' biggest initial complaint was how awfully lazy he was; well, of course he was -- his mother wouldn't think of allowing him to actually go to the kitchen and pour a glass of milk for himself.

Now, he's got a reason to get up every morning (his job), and he's sharper than he ever was during his "limbo" time at home. Even his vocabulary has improved; he uses words I never would have expected. He surprises me constantly. And delights me. He synthesizes ideas in unexpected ways, too; his sense of humor is actually very, very funny! :)

So maybe the contrast between nothingness (then) and having a routine (now) is so marked, his limitations are minimized. (Does that make sense?)

Btw, his father was as much as fault as his mother -- only to the opposite extreme: His father was in denial about his disability; I swear to you, his dad always said, "He'll outgrow it" (?!?!?!), and expressed the expectation that his son would indeed drive, move out, get married, raise a family... (They say it's always the father who has more trouble with a disabled child, as if it were some sort of slur on his masculinity. I'm not saying I agree with that or not -- it could just be a cruel generalization -- but in my uncle's case, I think it was true.)

How old is your son? Has he been able to process his grandfather's death?

[cornermouse]

37. It took at least 6 months before he started to settle back down.

That was several years ago.

[cornermouse]

44. By the way, you're a better person than I am.

I would have given the birthday boy a hug, given him his present, and left before the others could get started.

[tsuki]

3. Thank God, my aunts grew up during the Great Depression.

I don't know what to say. And that's unusual for me.

[Sapphocrat]

9. So did mine...

...Aunts (and Mom) grew up during the Depression, that is.

I think it instilled a lot of fantastic "core values" in the whole generation -- not taking anything for granted, appreciating what one has, etc.

I like to think those values were passed on, too. I've been rich, and I've been poor -- but I could never understand indiscriminate squandering (like my rich cousins).

The thing with the cousins is: Their parents worked their way up from rags to riches (I come from seriously just-offa-da-boat, blue-collar immigrant stock), and the cousins have always had everything they ever wanted. Eldest Cousin is rich because his father passed the family business directly to him; Eldest Cousin has NEVER had to interview for a REAL job in his life.

Btw, something I didn't mention: Eldest Cousin has something very significant in common with a certain someone: Eldest Cousin's daddy pulled some strings during the Vietnam War to move Eldest Cousin's name to the top of the National Guard list. Eldest Cousin trained in Texas (!) for a while, then came home, having never seen combat.

Talk about your rich, spoiled chickenhawks. (And I swear, their last name is not *!)

[FVZA_Colonel]

41. Both my grandparents did as well.

Honest to God, they were (and thankfully, still are, in the case of my grandmother) some of the most down to earth, no nonsense, just plain moral people I've ever met. I don't what it was about that time, but it just did something to the people who went through it.

[xchrom]

4. first sappho -- if you write it and i'm here -- i read it.

second -- my father is slowly dying -- this is an event that has taken all of this year and who knows how much longer and it's all filled with a good deal of suffering.

but to make a long story short my parents are with me in my home -- he's 94 and she's 95.

my mom accepted an invitationfrom one of my born again, rush limbaugh listening repuke cousins to come stay with us to help.

i'm losing my mind -- i'm keeping my mouth shut for the sake of peace.

but she doesn't and she knows she is in a house full of dem voters and liberal one's at that.

fox news on the tv and rush on the car radio{i had never listened to rush before now}.

snide bullshit comments flying everywhere -- and i've become very depressed.

i feel like i'm back in the midwest instead of here in the east bay of norcal -- yes i know the san jose airport.

you know damn it -- my father is dying and i have to listen this shit?!? oy fuck.

[Sapphocrat]

14. Oh, xchrom, how painful!

The last thing you need on top of your father dying...!!

Is there any way you can have a "family meeting" and set some ground rules, being it's your home?

I understand, that's much easier said than done, as I'm sure you don't want to upset your parents. Man, do I ever understand that -- no matter how liberal one's parents, it's all about love and respect... My Mom understands exactly what I went through yesterday, but I just couldn't lay waste to her entire family, either, for her sake. I try not to rag too much about her family (the way they turned out is not her fault; she didn't raise them), but I do explain why I feel as I do. Even then, I feel bad at times; she get this pained look and says, sincerely and apologetically, "Well, they're my nieces and nephews... I was there when they were babies, and I can't help but love them, no matter what."

How do you deal with somebody so evolved and unconditionally-loving as that?

Rhetorical question.

Anyway... My contact with my crazy extended family is a far cry from having to deal with it on a daily basis, as you are now, and a far cry from having to deal with it while a parent is slipping away.

My dad went through a long decline (esophageal cancer, which took him in about 11, 12 months after diagnosis), and I know my mom could have used a lot more help than she was willing to admit. Point of this is: Other than our immediate family, no one knew how serious his condition was, because my dad specifically requested (read: ordered) we not spread the news around. He didn't want a bunch of relatives descending on the house and making things harder than they already were (perhaps just to make themselves feel needed, or feel "good"). In the end, there were quite a few wingnut relatives upset that they never had the opportunity to "help" while he was alive.

But, as you know, "help" can more a hindrance than anything. My dad knew that. And his last weeks, as painful and frightening as they were, were as peaceful as possible, because he didn't have to deal with the emotional baggage of a bunch of self-serving "helpers."

Oh, xchrom, I wish there was something I could say or do for you. I mean that. If you think of anything, say it and it's done, even if it's just an evening away from the situation.

Just say the word. That's what we're here for.

[xchrom]

19. thank you sappho -- very kind.

you and i should exchange nightmare stories sometime -- i have another when my partner died and his father. curl. your. hair.

anyway -- my mom as you can imagine is very ''old school''.
and she adores the company of women -- she feels very close to this niece of hers because of her father, my mom's brother.

she's a ''girl's girl'' -- and loves having a woman companion to chat with and go to church with -- and she avoids or overlooks the ''political''.

for her sake -- i can put up up with this.
but i will say this -- it puts a flavor on my dads journey from this world to the next for me -- and that part is really sad.

you did well sappho -- and are to be commended for your generosity of spirit -- it didn't have to be that way -- you did a ''yeoman's job'' of it.

[Mairead]

36. You don't have to put up with that shit--it's YOUR house!

Take your crap cousin aside and set some limits. Tell her she's not a guest, she's family, and so she plays by your rules or takes a hike.

It is not doing your parents any good for you to martyr yourself!

[Nay]

6. Good god. You are a paragon of self-restraint. What a

nightmare. I too would have bought you drinks afterward to ease the agony. Arrrrrgh.

[Sapphocrat]

15. I'm no saint - LOL

But I'll take the 10 or 12 drinks, thanks! ;)

[area51]

10. I'm sorry this happened to you, Sapphocrat.

I also have Kool-Aid drinking rightwing relatives. I'd almost gnaw my arm off to avoid being w/them. I've never seen such a group of people so impervious to logic & filled w/hate (this is about rightwingers in general).

[Sapphocrat]

30. And under normal circumstances...

...I'll bet politics seldom came up, did it? I always knew my Mom's side was filled with Nixonites, Reaganites, and Bush I bots, but before Mr. Uniter-Not-A-Divider came along, our biggest arguments were over how much sauce to put on the spaghetti.

There's something about that Kool-Aid that seems to cause a permanent genetic mutation.

[DemonFighterLives]

11. Interesting story

That holier than thou Eldest cousin does sound like an ass. Although I would never feel bad about anyone helping Birthday boy. Strange as it seems, when I was younger, I didn't care as much about family things. Now, mid 40's it has all become more important. Mom died last Dec. and I had a cousin die at 42 a month ago. The relatives matter more, though most of them are dems. There are few fundied repukes, but I try to steer conversations around them, generally couching everything in whether you are republican or democrat; This makes sense. Can't argue with good logic.

I have a nephew that has been put in a controlled group home. I feel so bad for Tommy. He is a big strong kid and I don't know what all is wrong with him, but he started having seizures when he was like 2 years old. My saintly mother saw him turn blue and took him to the hospital. He is too hard to handle for my brother (divorced) and Tommy has seemed to stick at about a 10 yr old mentality. His meds have made him a virtual zombie. I liked him better as himself, although the last time I saw him he was acting a little more normal.

When everyone marches off to war, there will still be some of us free livers(sp- is that a word) left.
Hang with your mom and let the others figure it out for themselves!
:hi:

[Sapphocrat]

31. That seems to go along with the territory of middle age...

I read once that you can pretty much count on growing apart from your siblings in your 20s, and then, sometime in your mid- to late 30s, you start getting closer again. I think that's applicable to family in general, and just a natural outgrowth of re-prioritizing everything, as well as recognizing your own mortality. (Although the thing about the bond with siblings is that a brother or a sister is the only other person on earth who comes closest to understanding your life experience from birth. Kind of a neat thought, if you have a close bond with a sibling.)

And you expect to lose grandparents by then -- but when your own parents start dying, and then your own generation starts dying, reconnecting with the people you've known all your life becomes more urgent. And gratifying too; when we're younger, I doubt we have the capacity for the patience it takes to be truly involved or even interested in somebody else's life. (Losing my favorite cousin -- actually Eldest Cousin's older sister, a sweetheart of a woman -- when she was just 37 was a very sobering, "re-prioritizing" moment for me, too.)

Thank God I still have two cousins who have somehow managed to stay nice, normal, and relatively liberal. They're Eldest Cousin's younger brothers -- and they do NOT get along with Eldest. Serves him right. LOL

Oh, I'm happy for Birthday Cousin -- he's loving the attention, and it's wonderful to see him basking in it. (Silly relatives were worried about shouting "Surprise!" when he walked in, lest everyone scare him. Oh, brother. He was thrilled.)

I'm sorry about your nephew -- I know how hard it is to watch somebody you love reduced to walking-dead state. That's how it was for Birthday Cousin (ironically, he's also a Tommy!) for years, while he was going through the worst of the schizo episodes. I don't think his doctors were trying to fix that so much as they were trying to keep him subdued, as he's a tall guy himself, and they were worried about him getting violent.

Whatever they've done with his meds in the past 10 years or so, however, changed everything. He's always going to have his problems, but now he's relaxed, happy, and much quicker on the uptake.

So it can change, depending on what they're pumping into him. I hope they can find the right combo for your nephew!

[no_hypocrisy]

13. You are the humanist equivalent of a saint.

You were goaded, teased, persecuted at a family gathering, which in theory is supposed to BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER, and you rose to the occasion.

You are a better person than me. I don't think I could have restrained myself.

Thanks for the post. I hope you feel better sharing your story with compatriots.

[Sapphocrat]

32. Oh, I wish I were, n_h!

If I were a saint, I wouldn't even need to vent about it; it would just roll off. The best I can say for myself is that I think I was able to keep a poker face throughout most of it (which, for this heart-on-the-sleeve lib, is a miracle! LOL).

I do feel better having shared. I know somebody (many somebodies) here will always get it... and I know that mine isn't the worst situation in the world. (God, I could have been born into that family! In which case, I probably would have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge by the time I could walk. LOL)

[donco6]

16. I had to laugh and cry at the same time.

So Birthday Cousin is now the fundie project? Good Gawd. That's a fate worse than death. And you're right, if there is a God, he/she would surely be wretching with the irony of it all. I think this lack of shame is one of the worst qualities of fundamentalists. As I recall, Jesus had some serious problems with hypocrites, too.

You amaze me with your ability to hang through that. I think my head would have exploded.

[Sapphocrat]

33. That's the phrase!

"The fundie project" -- exactly. What I could never figure out was how a bunch of second-generation Italian-Americans and one-time Kennedy lovers (think "American Dreams," and you've got a bead on the way the whole family used to be) turned into, well, this. But money corrupts, and lots of money...! (Not surprisingly, my family was never rich, and we stayed Dems.)

I didn't quite hang through it; by the end of four hours of this hell, the opening to leave presented itself... and you've never seen an 84-year-old lady with leg problems boogie so quickly out of a banquet room and into a car, lest her about-to-explode daughter drive off without her. LOL

(Nah, I wouldn't have left without Mom -- but she did hustle!)

[JNelson6563]

17. Great rant

I suspect it might have been cleansing too (I hope so!).

Your writing style is enjoyable and your kindheartedness is commendable. You have a mighty tolerance. I wouldn't have gotten out of there without some kind of assault charges pending.

:toast:

Julie

[Sapphocrat]

34. Thanks for the kind words, JN...

Glad you like the writing style; now you know exactly how I speak. :)

Very cleansing, yes. Venting and commiseration is sometimes all we've got.

And... I'll toss one back with you!
:toast:

[radwriter0555]

18. Honey, you need a Radwriter HUG. Come on over here and get a big HUGE

head on the shoulder, boobs smashed up together, huge sighs HUG. I'll squeeze you tight and expect the same in return for at least 2 whole minutes.

Then, just sit next to me on the couch and tell me all about it some more. And you can cry a little if you want to....

Your momma raised you right. You're a good, kind woman, the kind I'd be proud to know up close and in real life.

When you're ready, shake it all out, square up your shoulders, heave a HUGE sigh and concentrate on thinking of something else, that warms your heart, gives you the warm fuzzies and makes you remember good, wholesome, clean happy things... and when those nasty people creep back into your thoughts, think of the nice things on purpose to remove that trash from your head.

Lots of love.... lots of love.

[Sapphocrat]

35. My heart was just warmed...

I just got a big, boob-squishing hug for two whole minutes. :):):)

You're a sweetheart, rad. :hug: :loveya:

[Tesha]

20. There are people you can't "save". Don't interact with them.

SC:

In life, while the natural tendency of us liberals is to believe that
we can "save" everyone (from their problems) and convert everyone to
a way of thinking that is oriented towards the maximal good for the
maximum number, it turns out that a lot of people simply can't be
saved or converted.

They are permanently broken beyond repair.

And interacting with them for a long enough time will break you
as well; don't do it.

You don't need to tell (for example) Blowhard Reich-Wing Cousin to
"go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on 'cause it's attitudes
like yours that have made my life so unnecessarily difficult you
pompous, self-righteous, ignorant bastard of a fool!", but you can
simply say to yourself "I will never deal with these folks again
under any circumstances" and then stick to it.

Your mom is probably wise enough in the ways of the world to under-
stand your actions, and if she doesn't immediately "get it", I'm
sure you can explain it to her.

Tesha

[Sapphocrat]

38. Truer words were never spoken.

The good news is that I've stopped trying to save anyone (at least, against their will); the bad news is that it took most of my life to realize that you're lucky if the worst you get from banging your head against a brick wall is a headache.

One of the drawbacks of liberalism seems to be an unfounded optimism that comes with the territory. But I guess without that, we'd never fight back.

I managed to avoid being in the same room with "Blowhard Reich-Wing Cousin" (I love that! LOL) for years (save for his mother's funeral -- the one time his thoughts were on something other than his precious *), and I'd like to think I can manage it again, this time for good. It's hard to avoid funerals without appearing uncaring -- but if I can stick to funeral face-time only, I'll consider it an accomplishment.

After my own Mom is gone, I can't see any reason on earth to have any contact with these people again. That's not a trade-off I'm looking forward to... just the reality of it.

[China_cat]

21. On top of all the other stuff

I think you're right to be worried about your cousin. You say "he's got a trust fund to take care of him for the rest of his life". Mix that with repuke relatives just taking an interest and I'll bet you that Only Daughter just found out how big that trust fund is right before she started her 'project'.

Which project could easily be to part the 'moron' (not meant as a pejorative on my part) from his money.

I'd keep a close eye on it if I were you (or ask your mom to do it) and if it looks like any hanky-panky is going on, ask for a guardian ad litem to be appointed to protect him.

[Sapphocrat]

39. You know, that never occurred to me...

And you could be right. My initial reaction is that I couldn't imagine it -- but that's probably only because I don't want to imagine it. (That, or I'm still way too trusting.)

I have, however, watched some relatives literally swoop in after the death of one family member or another and lay claim to everything not nailed down, so the idea isn't out of the question.

I'm pretty sure his trust is airtight; only his sister has any control, and after her, it would fall to my sister to handle. (And I can't think of anyone more trustworthy than my sis; she'd starve to death before mishandling a penny.) So the odds are good that the Bushy Bunch wouldn't be able to come near it, except under extraordinary circumstances (like, my whole side of the family were dead first). Even if the responsibility never fell to me (an idea that Idaho Cousin has floated), I'd be in there fighting tooth and nail for him.

Disturbing food for thought, but worth thinking about. I honestly hadn't even considered the money end of it. Hmmmmmmmm.

[jedr]

22. Boiling this down to a simpler example;

One of the things I hate most about the polarization of the public for political gain, is the fact that you can no longer have family get-togethers. Your always have some LImbaugh-spewing relative , that's going to "set you straight" and if you say nothing , it's like the elephant in the living room.. I just trimmed my relative list for the holidays , as to who I will tolerate and who I will not, and it's not a decision I really enjoyed, but a matter of self-presrvation....These bastards will do anything to keep their money and power, even destroy your family.:grr:

[Sapphocrat]

40. The transformation is stunning, isn't it?

It never used to be that way, did it? As I said earlier, I always knew most of my rich relatives were Republicans, but it was just never an issue -- until *.

I don't understand exactly what it is the Limpbutt/Hannity/etc. brigades do to cast such an evil, seemingly unbreakable spell over the dittoheads; I wish I could reverse-engineer it, and bottle an antidote. (Could it be that liberalism is genetic? We seem immune; I've known plenty of Repugs who were, if not saved, at least shaken after a single viewing of "Fahrenheit 911," but I've never known a lib who bought into the Dark Side after being subjected to prolonged viewing of Faux News. Uh, I'm only half-kidding about the genetic immunity.)

Anyway... Just as I used to wonder why the "good Germans" never fought back against the Nazis (and now, I know exactly why), I could never understand how the U.S. Civil War could literally turn "brother against brother."

Now I understand that too.

[jedr]

45. late post , hope you get to read it;

It makes me sooo mad. So for Christmas Eve instead of kids running around the dinning room and groups of adults grouped up talking and joking, and honoring the eldest of our clan ( Hoping they will be there next year)...We all sit on pins and needles for 3 or 4 hours and get the hell out of there before there's and other screaming fight....All provided by Karl Rove so they can have their way....

[Rowdyboy]

23. You have far more patience than I.....

My level of tolerance for fools has dropped in recent years. Actually, the older I get, the less restrained my tongue has become. I admire your serenity.

[Sapphocrat]

42. I sound... serene?

LOL Thanks, Rowdy, you're very kind -- but you give me far too much credit. :)

You know what saves my sanity? (I'd like to say meditation, but I can't.) Creating bumper stickers. Blogging didn't seem to get through to anybody, and face-to-face "re-education" sessions obviously haven't worked... but there's something supremely satisfying about knowing that somebody agrees with my opinion enough to sport it on their car. I guess it's a passive-aggressive, hit-and-run way for me to get in-your-face with thousands of RWers every single day, without having to put up with their crap myself.

Maybe that's why I was able to restrain myself at all Sunday; I'm getting a lot of hostility out through another channel.

And my patience and tolerance are in the basement too.

[foreigncorrespondent]

24. Well it is nothing I didn't expect!

It isn't the worst. And especially not what I was thinking might happen.

Nevertheless I am sorry you had to go through that. Next time, Catholic guilt for your mum aside, you are NOT attending a God damned thing they do. EVER AGAIN!

I much prefer helping you deal with the Catholic guilt, than getting worked up right along with you, about these people who are so false as to accept us to our faces, but vote against us, when our backs are turned.

I'll not say anything about how I truly feel about them, as you already know all of that. Given half a chance though, I would bloody well tell them exactly what I think of their self righteous kind.

Good rant, baby!!!

I am proud of you for putting up with it. :)

[Sapphocrat]

43. What were you thinking...

...might happen?? You know my commitment to nonviolence, no matter how severely it's tested. LOL

Well, as I said before, you know there will be a couple of funerals, eventually, that I won't be able to avoid. But, other than that, you're right: No more. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Fini.

Thanks for the kudos, love -- that means a lot (but you know that).

And I know how you feel about them; you have taught me many new and useful words in our convos about these people. LOL

[foreigncorrespondent]

46. Well I knew you would...

...be able to hold your tongue, but I thought it would only be to a point. I figured that eldest idiot cousin and that thing from the Abyss would really push their shit down your throat to the point of you exploding, and an all out war happening. LOL

Good! I am glad I am teaching you new and useful words about them. :)

[Coventina]

25. Hugs to you.

I can't offer any advice.

You are already dealing with things better than I would, probably.

:hug:

[DiverDave]

26. I, too, would be suspicious of the motives

Rethugs don't do the "human kindness" gig.

Are you able to monitor the trust fund?
I would.
Money is the over riding factor here, I'm afraid.

[PA Democrat]

27. Oh Sapphocrat, I know how you feel

I love my family, but they're all Fox news watching Bushbots, and we have had more than one angry exchange over family dinners. What is strange, is that until Bush came into office, it really didn't affect my relationship with my family, but now I feel guilty because I have cut down on my contact with them. It's self-preservation.

When I visit my parents they are usually watching Fox or the 700 Club. My mom used to be pretty liberal, but then she started watching Bill O'Reilly with my dad. I told her my opinion of Fox and O'Reilly in pretty strong terms and she has at least stopped watching that one Fox show. I felt guilty after I had literally lectured her on the topic because she has a lot of health issues, but I just can't stand what the right wing media has done to my parents.

I have a child with autism and I get incredibly angry that they have supported politicians who would literally step on the throats of the disabled in order to make their campaign contributors happy. I have in the past 5 years been very vocal about the impact of Bush's and the Republicans' policies on the lives of my daughter and the disabled. I know I have made family members feel badly, but I can't keep my mouth shut. If they are going to vote for those bastards, they are going to do so in the knowledge that they are hurting my child and millions of other disabled people in this country.

The way that the political division in this country has split apart friends and families is another thing I blame on Bush and his band of thieves.

[Arkana]

28. Holy fuck, Sapph.

Wanna trade families for a while? Mine's nothing but liberal--except for one stupid uncle who everyone thinks is an idiot. :)

[sinkingfeeling]

29. I can't imagine being in that situation. I only have to deal with my

Republican brother-in-law. We do get into it alot and my sister is the one who gets mad, because she doesn't want us to argue. However, I still like my BIL even though we will never agree. He's not a RW'er and has told my sister that Bush isn't good for the country, but he will never admit that to me. He says he votes GOP because of the gun issue...claims the Dems want to take all of them away. He watches Faux. But in his heart, he's liberal on most things like help for the poor.

[hunter]

47. Pretend you are an anthropologist studying the neanderfucks.

Take a few deep breaths.

Thank you. This was the best rant I've seen on DU in a long time.

I'm very lucky. The very small right wing of my extended family is terrified of the left. They used to apologize for bringing Coors beer to family parties. They've seen us arguing with Priests and Bishops and their favorite congress critters, and they are afraid...

But hell, beer is beer, so long as it isn't "light" beer, and family is family.

:toast: