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on a different blog so it is a bit dated but all you would have to do is change the older names to the current "Soap Opera of the Day" and you have my feelings on what cable TV news has become. Before long they won't even be able to function as RW media outlets; they will be too busy keeping up with the supposed demand for trash.
Classified Intelligence Report on Earth Cable Media:).
To:). Leadership Swarm, Planet Urguya
From:). Bzzzzzzzz123, Surveillance Officer II
Date:). Sunday, March 06, 2005 (Earth Time)
BACKGROUND:
Psycho-anthropological research into the customs of the inhabitants of Planet Earth was conducted over the course of the last month using virtual surveillance field techniques. Recently advanced covert technology in telemetry --accomplished over vast distances—permitted the examination of the geography, political structure, and social organization of a relatively small portion of Planet Earth called the United States of America (USA). USA occupies about a third of a continent called North America, which is connected to the larger continent of South America via a small strip of land that the natives have designated as Central America. USA is divided into smaller political units called “states.” These states are commonly referred to by the inhabitants as “red states” or “blue states” but our visual inspection via maserite crystals divulged that, in fact, these land areas are mostly brown or green. The population of Earth suffers mass delusions, perhaps due to the use of red and blue maps by our units of analysis, the cable news channels, CNN, MSNBCFox News.
The Leadership Swarm must understand that there is a necessity on Earth for reproduction, unlike the situation here. Humans, the foremost species on Earth, along with many other lesser organisms, are divided into two groups for reproductive purposes: males and females. (The report that these two groups are called Democrats and Republicans proved to be unfounded.)
Males are slightly larger and louder than females, (and there may be other differences between them that we were unable to detect at a distance) but nonetheless, our investigation uncovered evidence suggesting that the smaller females of the species apparently usurp the leadership roles on Earth.
METHOD:
Field work by this office commenced at 36,000,000,0000,000006 milligends Urguyan time.
The research plan called for us to leverage improved surveillance technology, so we focused on three USA news organizations called CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News. “News” is apparently construed on Earth as stories about recent events that are then widely distributed to the inhabitants of the planet, although the dispersion of such is uneven and highly variant. There remains considerable question of the veracity of these “stories” but our primary concern over the units of analysis is the potential for selection bias on the part of these three information dispensing agents. We conducted a post hoc analysis of content to discern differences between the three.
Unlike communications on Urguya, which involves continuous feed from the central nervous systems of individuals to other individuals, reporting on Earth is channeled in roughly continuous but segmented packets through these business organizations to the inhabitants of Earth, who work at hard labor to pay for the privilege of receiving the stories.
Using our latest transformation technologies, a mini-swarm of Urguyan technicians monitored, recorded, then studied and analyzed communications from these “news” entities.
Although, due to the surveillance of limited sources operating out of one small segment of Earth, some distortion may be expected in our psycho-anthropological portrait of Earth’s population, we think we have captured the essence of these primitive societies and that the intelligence portrait thus drawn will be useful to the Leadership Swarm.
RESULTS:
During the period February 6 through March 5, 2005, Earth time, (our observation period), we analyzed the number, length, and content of communications from these three news purveyors.
Leadership One: From this analysis we concluded that a female human, labeled “Martha Stewart” by her peers, had recently, and after some difficulties, positioned herself into the primary leadership role for the USA. Evidence shows that, based on the accumulation of milligends of comment from the three business agencies, this person is the most important human on Earth. Further, there is a distinct trend for the number of stories on this individual to outpace the number of stories broadcast about any other individual or any other event during the observation period.
Content analysis shows that her power is derived from a magic ankle bracelet currently being guarded by an obscure inhabitant of the “blue” state called Connecticut; that power seems to be of such magnitude that she is isolated from the rest of the population to prevent them from being overwhelmed by her force field. We intercepted a small number of transmissions that indicated her enormous force was keyed, in part at least, to the production of cookies and bed sheets, but we were unable to confirm this. We believe that the power of this person far outranks the puny powers of the titular head of government, one George W. Bush.
Leadership Two: Much of the social organization on Earth (see above, also) appears to revolve around confinement areas called prisons or jails, those intelligence officers who feed individuals into the systems, and the “criminals” thus incarcerated. Further, unlike on Urguya, the causation of a cessation of life (virtually impossible here unless pre-programmed) appears to titillate those who pay for cable services.
The second most impressive accumulation of “on-air” durations in milligends and the second highest number of segmented “stories” broadcast were on the topic of “The BTK Killer.” After killing numerous humans, this person eluded intelligence officers on Earth for some time. Were this individual to be judged based on the number of “Breaking News” packets of information broadcast to viewers (or on the length of the content-free press conference held concerning him), he would be the most important human in the USA. Nevertheless, we have been unable to discern how the news can be physically broken and thus are unable to accurately gauge the significance of these observations. Nevertheless, it should be noted that BTK is from a “red state.”
Leadership Three – Eleven: - Judged on the basis of milligends of broadcasting duration and the number of segmented information packets sent out, the core pre-occupations of USA inhabitants, other than those listed above, can be ranked on this ordinal scale:
3. Weather events and natural disasters.
4. The health of an aged holy man in Europe.
5. Car chases, train wrecks, and roof collapses.
6. The anterior and posterior décolletage of young females nominated for an “Oscar” or a “Grammy” award –these are hired to simulate real persons in movies and television and on I Pods.
7. Shouting duels between individuals seated in chairs. Males have a slim advantage on this measure.
8. The strange custom of shouting duels of males with themselves, notably Chris Matthews, Bill O’Reilly, Joe Scarborough and Sean Hannity—(Colmes doesn’t count, thus Hannity, we feel, falls into this category rather than the one above).
9. Other criminal events.
10. A revolt by cedar trees in Lebanon, obviously triggered by environmental degradation.
11. Decreasingly, reports on unimportant topics such as “elections” (meaning unknown), policy, Europe, Iraq, Afghanistan, Social Security and something called “the economy” (According to a man by the name of Lou Dobbs, the leading cause of problems in the USA “economy” is “illegal aliens,” an obvious reference to Urguya covert operations there).
We measured a marked decline in the duration of the segmented information packets called “news stories” that has apparently evolved in correlation to the negative squared weight of the USA population—a measure that we believe to be related, in turn, to duration of individual-level viewing time.) The foremost practitioner of the reduced-length-of-time of news stories is an otherwise innocuous thin young male called Anderson Cooper.
Our original concern over bias was centered on selection, but our post hoc analysis of the three media pods revealed that interpretive bias might be the more deadly of the two sins. Anchors on Fox News invariably broadcast in an uncomfortable far-right-leaning position, placing their weight on the one right buttock, a phenomenon undoubtedly dictated by their lead advertiser, Pazo (a company that may be owned by Donald Rumsfeld and Richard Perle). All anchors on CNN seem to shift their weight from one buttock to the other, swaying from left to center to right and producing a dizzying effect on viewers. MSNBC anchors have more inter-anchor buttock variability, some leaning left and some leaning right.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Evacuate all Urguya covert operations personnel from Earth immediately.
2. Hit the “Delete” key and return to blogging.
(Note—I used to observe baboon behavior in exactly this manner, measuring the frequency, length, and content of their interactions. Thought it would be interesting to apply it to our cable television outlets).
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