Is it okay for professors to date (quote-unquote) their students?

[jdj]

Who here has dated a professor at college? Was it healthy or unhealthy, serial opportunism or true love? Were they married or single, faithful or unfaithful?

Whether you have or not, does the power imbalance (not to mention age difference) make it wrong and twisted?

I have mixed feelings about it. I'm posting it here because I want people to opine about it. I love when people opine about something I am conflicted about, it helps me make a decision.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. It's not OK, and most schools have pretty strict rules against it.

Even tenured professors can be suspended or fired for dating students. There is a huge power imbalance, and students can easily be taken advantage of. Bad idea.

[jdj]

2. wow. I didn't know that. one of my prof's went through 3 of my

friends. My bestest friend was crazy about him, I mean crazy. They were both photo-journs. I didn't respect him for the fact that he was a serial student dater, probably is to this day, but now when I look back on it I respect my friend's emotions for him, he was a very talented and accomplished man, single, and she was a brilliant and beautiful young woman.

My sister just ended a sexual relationship with a professor of hers. He was married, he just wanted sex, but she fell in love...when she told him no more sex without committment, he said "ok". I think she did the right thing.

[FreedomAngel82]

9. I agree

Plus people will think of favoritisim even if the person is smart people would still be suspecious. I'd wait until the person gets out of college or switch schools.

[KaliTracy]

3. while taking a class? or a former professor? University probably

has a policy on it. While I don't feel that relationships should be regulated/legislated between consensual adults, if a student is in a sub-ordinate position (needs a grade for a class, etc.) I don't think it's appropriate. Age imbalance could be a factor, but not as much as the power imbalance.

If it is "true love" -- mutual chemistry, attraction, etc. getting to know a person better when the student is no longer dependent on the prof for a grade can wait.

[WFF]

13. Age imbalance?

I've often wondered about this. Sometimes I think the stigma against age different relationships is just a form of bigotry. If two people of differing ages are attracted to each other, then that's all that should matter. But tongues would certainly wag. In other cultures and at other times in history, it was more common. OTOH, I can see how people at different stages of their lives might be heading in different directions.

I agree with you on the power aspect however.

[jdj]

the only thing is a perception problem with very young women.

they always want to believe it's because they are somehow so much more mature and worldly wise than their peers. In reality it's because they obviously aren't that they are chosen by older serial smooth operators.

[KaliTracy]

18. I was just conceeding it "could" be a factor -- I personally don't have

trouble with relationship spans as long as everyone involved is legally an adult and consenting. I would be more wary of power imbalance.

[evlbstrd]

4. Bad move ethically, legally and morally on the prof's part.

And don't you suspect the student's grade in that class?

[FreedomAngel82]

11. That would be my worry

Even if your smart if other students knew of the relationship it would make people wonder and question. It wouldn't be good for either of them.

[Merope215]

5. At my school it's not against the rules

as long as the faculty member informs the head of the department, and he (or she) is not allowed to have any more bearing on the student's academic progress, including grades, advising, or thesis defense.

I don't know anyone who's had a relationship with a professor, but the idea of it doesn't really bother me that much, I guess. I think it depends on the situation and the two people involved. It sounds like your sister did the right thing, though.

[jdj]

12. however, in his defense.

my sister was a pseudo-patriotic retard before she met this man.

he is from the middle east, and he educated the hell out of her (in between the other activities). She is totally different now, he enlightened her on the war, and on the bullshit in the media. She had to see him go through the prejudice and discrimination he faces here daily as a middle easterner (though agnostic).

So I'm glad. I wish that he had wanted more of a relationship with her, though my family is relieved that they ended it, because they are afraid he's a potential terrorist. (yes, they do, and it's freaking embarassing to admit...but at least my sister is converted to sanity now).

[FreedomAngel82]

20. Nice story

Sad about the parents though. :( Some people will never give people the benefit of the doubt. *Sigh* Even when Bush said at the beginning not to go against them. Yeah, right. I'm glad at least someone has a better view of everything. I've always believed people come into our lives for some reason. Maybe that was your sisters.

[Top Lizard]

6. It's Generally Not Advisable Here

I teach at the college level, but I'm already married and haven't had to worry about such things! The previous advice about consulting school guidelines is sound. Faculty-student dating does sometimes occur, but I think it's more acceptable at the graduate level. Relationships between a professor and his/her student in a course he/she taught would be a no-no, because even an apparent conflict of interest could put both the student and the instructor's careers in jeopardy. If the pupil concerned is not in the same class, that issue is less thorny, but questions remain about relative maturities and possible power imbalances.

[mcctatas]

7. How bad do you need an A?? just kidding

:evilgrin: Generally speaking, probably not a great idea...that being said, as long as you discuss it first, and are willing to deal with a little awkwardness, it could work. As far as a power imbalance goes, I think it shifts to the students favor...especially if the school in question has a strict code of professional conduct. Good Luck!

[kodi]

8. no

its not.

[RPM]

10. agreed

3 words is all it takes.

[LiberallyInclined]

14. only the hot female profs-

especially the horny bi ones that always show up in penthouse letters. :evilgrin:

[grasswire]

15. one of my best friends lost his career

He made the mistake of inviting a student for coffee and sending her a travel book he thought she could use on an upcoming trip. It spooked her. Then he (the old fool) furthered the mistake by sending her a note of apology and explanation. She filed a sexual harassment complaint with the college. He was forced to resign a 25-year career, and it was devastating.

[jdj]

21. I don't see how that qualified as harassment unless the school

had a pre-existing policy and his actions violated it.

weird situation, all around.

I had a prof. come into a store I worked at and totally come on to me, he was obviously a serial and it ws nauseating. He bought a candy bar and put it in my face and asked me if I wanted a bite. He for no reason started talking about how the tops of eastern buildings look like penises. But he was a Phd, so I guess that made it okay.

[FreedomAngel82]

22. Wow

Why did she do that? He didn't make a move on her did he?

[LisaLynne]

16. I was just having a discussion about this with a professor ...

How odd to come here and find a thread about it!

What this (female, by the way) said about it was that while she has seen actual marriages come out of such relationships, the power imbalance is just icky. I think I have to, in general, come down on the icky side. It's a power thing, unfortunately.

[jdj]

23. it kind of makes me wonder if when it's a mle professor and

a female student if the female is missing Daddy.

[mike_c]

17. I'm a university prof....

Short answer: no friggin' way. Longer answer: it depends. Some institutions have explicit policies that prohibit ANY romantic contact between profs and students, but that is very difficult to actually enforce, and probably leads to lots of abuses. A better policy is that profs should not date anyone that they have any academic involvement with, e.g. students in their classes, their own grad students or student's whose committee they serve on, etc. In short, anyone they have any "power" over-- that rule of thumb makes it difficult to deal with the gray areas. In my experience, I have a couple of colleagues who have been involved with grad students in my department, but they've dealt with the ethical complications by making certain that the relationship is not secret, and that they are themselves removed from any direct academic influence on the student's success, even to the extent of being banned from attending thesis defenses and the like, even simply as a member of the department.

My personal preference is for the short answer. The power issues are just too strange. As a single male, surrounded by attractive females, this REALLY makes one pay attention to personal ethics! Oddly enough, my ex-wife was extremely jealous of some of my female students, despite the fact that I would have sooner chewed off my leg than gotten involved with any of them under any circumstances.

[Cleita]

25. I think you have the right answer.

As long as a that person is your student in any capacity, it should be hands off until such time that there is a green light to date that is above board. You never know, you may not even like each other after a couple of dates. It makes it so much easier to move on then without having to be part of that person's academic program.

[dudoll]

19. Not while they are in the class

I don't think that any teacher should be dating their student... crosses a line.

After they are no longer teacher-student is different...

[Cleita]

24. I knew a professor who dated one of his students

when they were both married to other people. (She was a grad student.) The student had his baby, which her husband accepted as his own. He, philanderer that he was, moved on to another girlfriend in a couple of years. Both marriages fell apart. Both remarried to other people. It didn't ruin either of their careers but it didn't make them happy either.

I thought it was a bad idea. It seems that, if they were both single, they still should have waited until she was no longer his student. If the flame was that hot then it would still be alive to be stoked at another and better time.

It sort of like I don't think you should date your boss or employee until maybe after you don't work together anymore. But nothing is written in granite.

[Stinky The Clown]

26. I'm kinda absolute on this point ... in a word ... NO

It seems to me to violate any standard of ethics one could logically concoct. For the student (who could probably be forgiven a transgression because of immaturity) and for the prof ..... who oughtta just fucking know better.

[Divernan]

27. Often a negative impact on other students' grades/fellowships, etc.

I saw a lot of male professors "dating" female students, both grad and undergrad when I was a sociology grad student. The thing is, universitites I have taught at have had strict policies about grading curves, i.e., limited the number of A's and B's. So, as it ALWAYS happened, the girl friend got an A (often without attending too many classes), causing some more deserving student to be cheated out of that A. Same thing for which grad students were chosen to receive teaching and research fellowships, or which faculty members agreed to serve on their doctoral committees. Girl friends always got generous funding and the most influential faculty on their committees - and seemed to be cut breaks all over the place, cause all the other faculty members didn't want to piss off their colleague. Just in this one incestuous little department, there were several serial adulteror profs, one ex-priest who literally married his girl friend hours before their child was delivered (and subsequently cheated on her until they divorced), and my personally most despised prof - the supercharmer with a really lovely wife and two little kids who was so busy sexually that he was heard to say, "I slept with three women today, none of them my wife."

[jdj]

28. that's horrible.

utterly depressing.

but I guess some folks get into that field for the 'benefits'.

[freeplessinseattle]

29. I haven't dated any, but

have fantasized and semi-flirted. One prof did ask me out near the end of the quarter, specifically stating after the quarter ended, but I ended up declining bc I was too afraid of being not as intriguing and articulate as he might expect. He probably just wanted to get laid and didn't care actually. The thing is I did always wonder if my high grade was influenced by his attraction to me, and for some reason that really bothered me, I wasn't sure if I was getting accurate unbiased feedback or not. The same thing with a couple of other profs I lightly semi flirted with (one prof would just blush whenever I stared at him, poor guy, he seemed afraid of me, lol) as nice as it is to get high grades, it really is disconcerting when you're not really sure if it's about your brain or your body.

[Vektor]

30. I find it thrilling.

:evilgrin:
Ok - back then I did.

[Biology]

31. professors viewpoint

Each institution has different rules. In the absence of any formal rules, and in general, one is taught as a graduate student that 1) it is improper to date any student who is a current member of your class or who might be your student in the future, but 2) it is OK to date students who are not, or never will be, in one of your classes or whose program of study you won't affect.