The Rapture Index

[Wink]

In yesterday's Chicago Tribune they were talking about The Rapture Index. It tells you how close we are to The Rapture. I sent the paper this letter:

Regarding the Rapture Index: I am considering buying into this Rapture business, should I get in while the Index is high or should I wait for it to plummet? Is the Index currently experiencing a bubble that will just burst once sanity is returned to Washington? Would joining any particular branch of Christianity get me a discount? Are Rapture stock options available? What would be a good number on the Rapture Index (plus or minus 10) for me to just quit buying groceries and stop going to work? How does The Rapture compare to similar stock portfolios, say the Sasquatch Fund, the Leprechaun and Pixie 500, Ghosts and Goblins Bond Market, or the Alien Abduction Group?

I understand the president currently has a ton of stock in The Rapture so wouldn't a rise in the Index caused by his administration's destabilization of the U.S. economy be considered a conflict of interest? Does the president's interest in The Rapture also explain why he doesn't care about the future of our environment, our civil liberties, the middle class and poor, world opinion, or his initiating an unjust war?

Let's say I support the president, when I try to cash in on my Rapture stock, will I incur any penalties for supporting the deaths of 100,000 plus innocent Iraqis and the needless deaths of 1500 plus American soldiers? Not to mention the creation of more terrorists and the failure to address the poor, diseased, uneducated and malnutrition masses worldwide who don't have the same insider priced access to The Rapture Index that our president apparently does

[liberal N proud]

1. Did they say how close we are?

days, weeks, months?
We must be getting close if everyone is so intense on getting everyone in line.

[mhr]

2. Satire And Sarcasm - Two Great Combinations! - Well Said!

eom

[oldtime dfl_er]

3. brilliant reply!

In my office, the whole Rapture business has become a running joke... it's replaced "when hell freezes over" as a standard response to questions about when projects will get done, raises handed out, etc. The one or two bornagains in the office are offended but can't really say much. Heh heh.

www.cafepress.com/blackoutbush

[BillZBubb]

4. Great letter!

I'd wait for them to introduce an option on the Rapture Index, then you can leverage your way to heaven.

I'm nominating this sucker!!!!

[Demeter]

5. Is there a Link?

[Wink]

6. Yes, but you must register.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-0504130178apr13,1,4739238.story

[REACTIVATED IN CT]

22. No need to register anymore

www.bugmenot.com

[pilgrimsoul]

7. LMAO!!!

That was absolutely fantastic! Made me laugh out loud. Rarely have I read such a stinging, dead-on indictment of all that's crazy in this country delivered in such an entertaining way. It strikes the perfect balance between truth and ridicule - it's so good, I wish Jon Stewart was saying this on the Daily Show tonight!

[Wink]

8. Thanks

And for such a rave review, you get my 400th.

[BlueEyedSon]

9. I would short it. nt

[davekriss]

10. Great reply. An alternate...

Dear Editor,

It is my duty to inform you that the Rapture has already happened and, sadly, we are the Left Behind.

Sincerely,
Burning Feet

[kliljedahl]

12. Must have posted at the same time

Great minds think alike


http://www.kliljedahl.net

[kliljedahl]

11. Wouldn't it be funny

if the Rapture had already happened? If we could convince them of that, the Fundie's heads would explode.


http://www.kliljedahl.net

[johnaries]

15. Yep, it already happened. The Pope and Terri Schiavo were the only

ones who made it.

[CrispyQ]

13. Very clever & humorous!

I hope they print it! Thanks for the good laugh!

[MsTryska]

14. hmm....

i wonder if there is a way of shorting the Rapture index or perhaps hedge my bets against it?

[Extend a Hand]

16. believe it or not

this "index site is serious

http://www.raptureindex.com


edited to point this out:
this index was lowered because:
29 Liberalism:
Liberals in the U.S. take huge beating

[kliljedahl]

17. That's a weird site

On edit: Kinda liked the thatched hut in heaven


http://www.kliljedahl.net

[knitter4democracy]

20. Yeah--scary, too.

Man, I'm glad no one talked about it when I was in college (small evangelical college), or that's all anyone would've talked about in between classes. :eyes:

On the other hand, it would've been fun to mock.

[yorkiemommie1]

23. #32

32 Mark of the Beast:
Wal-mart is falling behind in its plan to bar code all products
with radio tags.


Does this mean the fundies are going to boycott Wal-Mart or will
their lowpriced shoddy shit prove to be too enticing?

[Patiod]

18. Wow! The FAQ is amazingly great!!

Find out:
Is the Pope the Antichrist?
Are angels male or female?
Will the Antichrist be a homosexual?
Why did David grab five stones when he went out to fight Goliath
Is it wrong for TV preachers to drive fancy cars or live in luxurious mansions?
Is it all right for churches to have bake sales?
Would it be okay to get in touch with my deceased family members?
How do you plan to maintain this site after the rapture?
Why don't the Jewish people believe that Jesus was the Messiah?
Can the Mark of the Beast be accepted by mistake?

The only burning question they're missing is "Is Bill Clinton the Anti-Christ?"

[unhappycamper]

19. Praise JEEBUS!

Are angels real?

Angels are absolutely real. The angel, Gabriel, brought the message to Mary that she was to have a baby (read Luke 1:26-38). The angel, Michael, has been fighting wars on behalf of God since the fall of Satan. Revelation 12:7 says that there is a coming war where Satan will be defeated by Michael and his angels and will be cast out of heaven. And, speaking of Satan, He was the most beautiful of all angels until he decided that he was better than God and fell from his exalted position and became God's enemy and the enemy of the saints (read Isaiah 14).

Think I'll have a double martini tonite to celebrate.

[DistressedAmerican]

21. That's Funny. Just Made This Today. Life Imitating Art or Vice Vera

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

24. Well done!

Good enough to be an Opinion column in The Onion (which is often too true to be funny - case in point: Cost of Living Now Outweighs Benefits)

[Straight Shooter]

25. A most excellent letter.

At the Rapture, will we be deducted points if our clothes are not pressed and our shoes are not shined? This leaves a bad impression for those who come upon our disembodied attire on the hiking trail, does it not?