Family rift

[Locut0s]

Recent events in my family have brought to light a growing ideological rift that has long existed between several members of our family, on my fathers side. I'm not going to go into the exact details at the moment, maybe when things settle down a bit. It's mostly a money issue having to do with looking after my grandparents, and as such is not a political issue in and of itself. The real issue is who should pay how much and even how much money they really need. There has always been an ideological rift in our family between my immediate family and the families of my three uncles, well the biggest gap is really between two of the families. My family is pretty far left, as is one of my other uncles. Both of my other uncles have fairly rich families and are conservative to varying degrees. The one that lives near us is really more fiscally conservative and is pretty far left on most other issues. The rift between us and the remaining uncle however is very wide, they are a very conservative right wing family, compounding this is the fact that they live on the other side of the country. When we do visit them, which isn't very often, I've always felt very alienated even though they are of course a loving family, I just can't get close to the strong right wing values that run just under the surface all the time. Even my father feels uncomfortable around them a lot of times.

I don't mean to make this sound like a cold family since it is not, my father loves all of his brothers dearly, however there have long been strained tensions running just under the surface at times. For the longest time this usually only meant the occasional awkward moment, and since we don't live close to the most conservative of my uncles even these moments were few and far between. However this issue is really threatening to tear the family apart. My conservative uncle feels that we have turned our backs on the family by claiming that we can not afford to pay the amount of money that he feels is owed to the two members of the family at the heart of this. By the way he is arguing that we all pay equal sums of money despite the fact that he easily makes 3-5 times what we do if not a LOT more, which is not to say that we are badly off though. He came up with this sum after having talked with my grandparents and basically made it sound like this is what was going to happen, didn't consult us over the issue, and didn't let my grandparents know what he was proposing. As I said one of my uncles is solidly on our side and the other is more on his side. I think we have come to a solution, bringing my grandparents out here and having them stay in a slightly less nice place while having to give up a few amenities, like my grandfathers car which they can't afford anyways and I'm not sure he should be driving at his age. This they would be able to do on their own salaries with some help from us now and then, and of course three of their sons are out here to look after them. This solution though may just cause further anger amongst the brothers. It's at the point now though that my father is not really on speaking terms with his two other brothers and we may never fully repair the rift.

Anyways sorry for the long rant, what I really wanted to know is do any other members here have any similar family issues that have been exacerbated by differing political ideals. Anyone who is no longer on speaking terms with members of their family either because you just can't stand each other's points of views or because you just don't have anything in common? Anyone else have family relations strained to the braking point fuelled my misunderstandings and ideological gulfs?

[Swamp Rat]

1. I can relate n/t

[Ladyhawk]

2. Political and ideological differences were the proverbial straw...

...that broke the camel's back in my familial relations. There were other severe problems, but we also have nothing in common. After November 2, a couple of shitty things happened that reminded me my mother is religiously insane and my brother seems to think cruelty is funny. I decided they were simply too toxic for me and cut them out of my life. My mother tried to have me committed shortly thereafter, which proved to me I had made the right decision. I've been family-free since early November. It's been hard in some ways, but in other ways it's been much easier. A toxic, controlling family is worse than not having a family at all.

[Tux]

3. My family sucks

Well, my mom's side of the family tried to have me release my inheritance so they can buy a car or send their kids on a cruise. I won my part, they lost theirs to lawyers, and we won't speak to each other again.

On my dad's side, they aren't well educated and very Christian. Some are upset that I graduated college but can't find a job. EMU's career services won't help me at all, employers don't call, or if they do, interviews tend to take weird turns. Some of my aunts and uncles think I'm stupid, lazy, and ignorant. Another set of them think I'm wrong on everything since I won't take the Bible literally and let a minister tell me how to think or what to think. We're barely speaking.

Overall, politics, religion, family, and a crappy degree in a crappy economy sucks.

[Locut0s]

4. Thanks for the support guys!...

To tell you the truth I am no longer completely sure which side is in the right, probably no side entirely. There are varying degrees of selfishness all round in this mess and it seems guilt tripping is the name of the game on both sides, though more so on his side. The uncle that supports us said that while he can not afford the amount of money that is being asked he could help to pay for my grandfathers monthly golfing membership, not cheap. To which he got a reply that the amount he was willing to pay was insulting. He has also tried the "honour they father and mother" line on us, despite the fact that he is not religious. Perhaps we are not willing to pay as much money as we should but if bringing my grandparents out here and offering to spent time with them, time he does not have, as a family is not honouring them I don't know what is.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this type of situation. And from the looks of it I have by far the best situation of the lot here. I feel for you all who are going through hard times!

[grasswire]

5. how old are your grandparents?

It sounds as if a lot of other people are making decisions about their lives, even siblings.

[Locut0s]

6. Late 80s with ailing health so..

It is a good thing that we are talking about the issue as they need to move out of the house they are in and into more realistic surroundings, both financially and from a medial standpoint. My grandfather recovered from Cancer a few years back but unfortunately he has relapsed and my grandmothers mental condition has deteriorated seriously in the past few years. The problem is not if they should move into a facility, even they have decided that they should, but what they can afford. They have been living an unrealistic lifestyle that while good for many years they simply can no longer financially support. My grandfather drives a large car that he can't afford to keep on the road much longer, and they spend money on some things that they shouldn't. Amazingly at his age he still golfs and curls when he can though. Basically my uncle wants them to move into a really nice facility while at the same time have the family fund the life style they are living now. The problem is not that we do not want to do this but that we can't afford the amount of money that he proposes we all spend. The thing is that he proposes we all spend the same equal sum when the reality is that he earns easily 3-4 if not 5 or 6 times what we do, for example they have a million dollar home and a cottage that is almost as expensive that they are adding on to. My other uncle is also quite well off. We don't live poorly by any means, our house is probably around 500k, however we live very close to our means, in fact my father has to take on extra work. If we were to go ahead with this my father would have to take on another job, basically working all the time while my uncle would not have to do anything of the kind. My other uncle who is on our side can afford this even less. Basically our solution is to bring our grandparents out west to a cheaper facility out here and have them live a more realistic frugal lifestyle. However a plus is that three of their 4 sons are out here to keep them company.

The truth is with all the guilt tripping and selfishness on all sides I have no idea where we stand anymore. Luckily as a grandchild I'm more on the periphery, my father has been going through maddening stress over this!

[JohnnyRingo]

7. The only normal families you know.....

...are families you don't know very well.

[fleabert]

8. yep. one of my uncles and I can barely speak to each other...

he's not just a republican; he's loud and opinionated, and watches Fox like it's going out of style. He also enjoys pushing my buttons, so I stopped responding to his prodding.

[Jokinomx]

9. Good Luck...

Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do....

That is how I tackle difficult situations. Listen to your heart and follow through.

We all just can do the best we can then we die. When your time comes ... you will know that you did your best regardless of others lack of such.

[Locut0s]

10. Thanks

[BigBearJohn]

11. I have this problem too; however we just agree not to talk politics

We came to the conclusion that above all else, we love each other.
I asked my brother (who is a repug) if I were in bed dying, how
important would our political differences be? He told me he would
be the first one at my bed. So, we just accept the fact that the
other is ignorant in the ways of the world, and move on from there.
I would hate to sit at his grave thinking, "I stayed away from own
brother simple over a political argument."

[Locut0s]

12. In the end I think things will work out ok. But it's going to take time.