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(note that this was crafted for a Canadian audience, which is why the focus shifts to Canadian persons, places and things for the last half or so...let me know what you think.)
If Bush Was Convicted Of Murder
To many, President Bush can do no wrong. The feeling is reinforced by the media’s unbalanced, uncritical coverage of him and his policies. But what if one day, hypothetically, Bush was convicted of murder? How would things change? Or would they at all?
The minute after the news hits the newswires, Howard Dean would scream, “George Bush is an evil villain, worse than Saddam Hussein—we must take this country back!” in an angry red-faced rant.
Dick Cheney would pop up out of his usual undisclosed location. “Just as I was certain about Saddam Hussein’s WMD capabilities, I am certain that our great President is innocent”. Afterwards, he’d be overheard speaking to a friend: “And if I’m caught lying again, I have a great bunker I can hide in”.
Bush would hold a much-needed press conference to keep his country’s spirits intact and deflect criticism from his murder charge. After lacing the handpicked, Bush-friendly reporters with silly nicknames and creepy jokes, he’d be hit with a barrage of questions—about the upcoming election. The sheepish press corps would choose to ignore his legal situation, for fear of losing access to the White House. One traitorous reporter would manage to sneak in a question about the charges, leaving Bush stuttering, fluttering and speechless for ten seconds, finally spitting out a short diatribe about how right it was to “disarm Saddam”, and how steroids pose a direct threat to America’s athletic purity. The press corps stand up and cheer for their Great President, secretly embarrassed at their conversion from reporters to whores.
The next day, with the White House anticipating a flurry of calls for impeachment, Tom Ridge would raise the terror alert level to ‘high’. The sudden talk of terror warnings and Osama’s latest video would displace all mention of Bush’s crimes from the media airwaves.
CNN’s Wolf Blitzer would blurt in his drab monotone, “The terror alert is high. I repeat, high. We’ll talk to Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge about how terrorists want to kill you, and then he’ll tell us why we must forget about Bush’s murder charge, because terrorists want to kill you and your family pets!”
John Ashcroft would tell Americans that any mention of Bush’s murder charge is equivalent to “an attack on liberty, freedom, and everything we hold dear”. Anyone who attempts to prosecute Bush is “collaborating with the terrorists”, he’d say, and “the courts must not interfere in this matter.” He’ll have his Justice Department hold an investigation of the President’s alleged crimes, but when he’s reminded that he still hasn’t found the White House Leaker, his eyes bulge out and he calls you “an evil lying Satanist”.
When a Canadian Liberal MP calls Bush a “murderer” for his partaking in murder, US Ambassador to Canada Paul Cellucci flies to Ottawa and tells us “this type of language will not be tolerated. If your leader killed someone, we’d support him, and I’m ashamed that you wouldn’t offer the same condolences. We will now proceed to raise softwood lumber tariffs. Apologize, and we’ll maybe, possibly, not raise them higher”.
Paul Martin is forced to save face, telling his Bush-bashing colleagues that “Bush is not a murderer—please refer to him as an ‘alleged liquidator of individual vitality’”.
Steven Harper and Belinda Stronach beg Martin to “send money to Washington to pay for Bush’s legal defense”, and both insist that “we give Bush all of Canada’s oil, because its just the right thing to do for our American friends”.
The National Post runs the headline, “Bush guilty of murder: Canadian politicians lagging far behind”. The accompanying article states that “the heinous, barbaric gun registry” and “high taxes on killing implements” are to blame for lack of Canadian competition in the world politico-murder marketplace.
Of course, Bush hasn’t been convicted of murder, nor has he been accused of it by anyone important. But, he’s still in strong shape after 9/11 happened on his watch, after a war based on deceit, after enormous deficits, high unemployment, destruction of the environment, and complete polarization of his citizenry—and the media and many Americans and Canadians still can’t bear to believe that Bush is anything less than perfect. So just how implausible is the above scenario?
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