How to be a Republican

[no name no slogan]

If we really want to beat them, we need to understand them. So, in the effort to further our understanding of what makes Republicans tick, I submit to you the following:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today.

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U. N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall" for America means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[Wetzelbill]

1. Great stuff, haha!

You need to take your show on the road!

[loftycity]

2. Good one..

And it could be updated hourly.

[Solomon]

3. Kick

:kick:

[noonwitch]

4. I thought all you had to do was sell your soul to Satan

then, presto, you're a republican. Or is that how you become a lawyer?

[slippery_pete]

5. vote republican

Vote Republican! It's easy than thinking.

[11 Bravo]

9. I have that bumper sticker! (And welcome to DU).

n/t

[AmandaRuth]

6. addition to your list

21. It doesn't matter that we murdered over 10,000 innocent people in Iraq and Afghanistan who were in no way connected to 911 because well you know, they're brown people

[truthspeaker]

7. another one:

22. You think Ken Lay is an honest businessman and Tommy Chong is a master criminal.

[info being]

8. The fact that Democrats let them get away with this shit

makes me embarassed to be affiliated with this party...to be honest.

[11 Bravo]

10. I tried to be a Republican once, but ...

inserting my head in my ass really made my ears hurt.