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Television 2040
By David Glenn Cox (author)
“We'll be right back to Celebrity Hobo Boxing after these important words from our sponsors.”
“Win the lottery! That's right, win the lottery! How many times have you said to yourself, 'I'm tired of spending my whole unemployment check on lottery tickets and still not winning'? Well, no more! Hi, I'm Vince from Damn I Want To Win The Lottery, and with our proven system anyone can win the lottery! For only $29.95 you, too, can win the lottery, and if for any reason you're dissatisfied simply return the unused worksheets for a full money back refund (Disclaimer, money will not actually be refunded.) Cars! Hookers! Drugs! All yours and all just six numbers away, so order today!”
“I'm getting worried about Dad. He's not getting around like he once was and he's becoming forgetful, and that worries me.”
“Do you think it's time we dump him in a home and steal his assets?”
“Isn't there another way?”
“Hi, friends, is this you? Are you hounded by geriatric relatives who just don't know when to say good night? Modern science has made it possible to live almost forever and now modern science has found the answer! Geri-gone. Yes, Geri-gone is the safe and effective pill from your friends at Cheney Industries. Just one pill at bed time and your loved one is off to the land that Social Security checks forgot. (Disclaimer, this product has not yet been proven safe or effective by the FDA)”
Weeks later, “That was the best game of tennis I've had in a long time now that I can concentrate on me again. Thanks Geri-gone! That's Geri-gone, from the makers of Go Kavorkyourself.”
“And now back to Celebrity Hobo Boxing. In the red corner, weighing one hundred and ninety-three pounds, the Cutey With the Booty! Britney Spears! And in the blue corner, weighing in at one hundred and seventy-three pounds, the Bald Bastard, Nick Jonas!
“Well, Bob, I think this is going to be an exceptional bout tonight. I was backstage and Nick's trainer said he hasn't had a hit of crack in three days so that fifty dollar first prize money must look mighty attractive to him right about now. Let's not forget, though, that Britney was voted toughest girl in rehab three years in a row.”
Click, click.
“You're watching Fox News, so just sit there and shut up!”
“Bill, it's not that I disagree with you. I just think your position is a little extreme, that's all!”
“Why? Because I say shoot the bastards? Then you start calling me names like extremist!”
“Bill, they're Girl Scouts selling cookies door to door.”
“There you go again with that mamby pamby mainstream liberal media crap. You don't know what their agenda is! You ever notice those green outfits they wear? You know who else wears green outfits? Hamas, you pin head! The Iranian Revolutionary Guard wears green sashes, too! You want to buy cookies that are possibly tainted with God knows what from Islamofascists and then you have the nerve to call me an extremist because I say shoot them. I'm glad one us has got the balls to stand up for freedom in this country, you despicable little pin head.”
Click, click.
“Like a vir-er-er-er-gin...”
“That was wonderful! Come on, give it up for little Cammy Sue Prettyface from Fort Backwoods, Arkansas! Let's see what our American Idol judges think of Cammy Sue's performance singing that lovely piece of classical music.”
“Well, as the one token black judge on the panel I don't have any feelings either way. You seen one fourteen-year-old white chick in a string bikini and you've seen them all. So I gave her a ten, so we can all get the hell out of here.”
“I thought that she was wonderful, and singing while holding a sex toy in your little hand was inspired! Can, can I get something in my cup besides Coke? I'm gonna give it to you straight, honey, go to school. They'll chew you up and spit you out in this business just like they did me. Hey! I asked for something in my drink here! I'm not playing with...”
Click, click.
“This sorry ass sack of shit is lying his ass off and won't answer the fucking question!”
“Your honor, I object. The prosecutor is completely out of line with these remarks.”
“Overruled, the sorry ass sack of shit will answer the fucking question.”
“Didn't you once say that you didn't like the victim Sarah Jane Beautiful Sex Kitten Spokes Model?”
“Well, yes, after she got me fired from my job as fashion photographer for the Wall Street Journal. She ran off with my wife and ruined my career as a Hollywood writer by stealing all my cliches.”
“So you killed her, didn't you? You couldn't fall back on recycled pap and special effects like everyone else, could you? No, short skirts and plunging neck lines weren't good enough for you! You had to have a plot and a sub-plot and meaning. So you killed her, didn't you?”
“Your Honor?”
“Yes.”
“If I confess here I'm going to get the death penalty, aren't I?”
“That is in the hands of the jury, but undoubtedly so.”
“Then I admit it! I killed her because I loved her! She was carrying our love child. When she (snivel, weep) talked about doing away with it I went crazy and I killed her!”
“Hi, friends. If you're like me you're always looking for ways to make some extra money! Who doesn't need extra money for a new car or a boat or maybe a special getaway with that special someone? I know what you're thinking, 'I'm working sixty hours a week now and I haven't had a raise in ten years, so how can I earn more money?' The answer is easier than you might imagine. Simply by turning in your friends and neighbors you become eligible for a host of cash awards from your friends at the Department of Homeland Security.
“Cash just when you need it. Do you ever wonder about those neighbors who don't fly the flag on patriotic holidays? Tell us and we'll find out!”
Click, click.
“She's got him down! She's giving the top of his head a canvas burn! Wait, he's hit her with an elbow to the nose! Britney is staggered.”
“She's really pissed off now, Bob!”
“Nick Jonas is circling her now and he's slapped the cigarette out of her mouth. He's moving in for the kill. But wait, she's cut him! Jonas is down and bleeding on the mat. She's pulled a knife on him and the judges have stopped the bout.
“You know, Bob, this is the second match this year where she's pulled a weapon. If she does that one more time she could be reprimanded.”
Click, click.
“Our C-Span question of the day asks, 'Are corporations really wonderful or would you rather have jack-booted Nazis raping your daughters and rationing your food?'
“Our number for Democrats is 1-888- 212-1112, and our number for Republicans is 1-888-121-2111, and our number for people who just have no intention of following the rules is 1-888-222-1234.”
Click, click.
“Hey, Moe, look!”
“Why, you imbecile, I ought to murder you!”
“Oh, oh, oh, Moe, no don't!”
This is PBS.
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