“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”
By David Glenn Cox
The other night it was late and I couldn’t sleep. I was cruising the Internet looking for entertainment when I came across a website that offered only “classic” entertainment. I’ve always been a fan of old movies, even silent movies, because what they lack in special effects and computer-generated graphics is made up for by plot and story lines.
The movie “Key Largo” had just come on and I hadn’t seen that film in forever. The film stared Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall and Lionel Barrymore. Robinson played a counterfeiter and he and his gang had taken over a resort hotel during a hurricane.
Through dialog and acting ability you quickly discerned that the movie wasn’t about the hotel or the storm but about courage. Moral courage, physical courage, actual courage and hypothetical courage. Bogart was a former war hero who was thought to be a coward for refusing to fight Robinson. Robinson’s courage came from his gun and his gang. A tree crashes through a window and Robinson jumps and asks, “How bad can these storms get?” Barrymore begins to tell tales of storms and waves killing hundreds and just by the subtle looks on Robinson’s face you can see that his courage is failing him. Robinson’s alcoholic girlfriend needs a drink because her courage comes from a bottle.
The plot twists and turns as the storm raises in intensity; you never know for sure what will happen next. It was a hell of an entertaining film. Now it appears the genre of the movie with a plot is dead. I began to think of my favorite films, "Twelve Angry Men," "Treasure of Sierra Madre," "Gone with the Wind," "The General," and one that might surprise you, "The Wizard of Oz." For a film going on seventy-years-old it still has a lot to offer. The scenery, the costumes and songs, and above all the acting, still captivates. Yet it was a movie with a back-story and a plot. A little girl grappling with growing up and the questions that we all ask ourselves. Am I smart enough and loving enough or brave enough?
That got me to thinking about the Academy Awards and the new era of modern filmmaking. It is obvious to me at fifty-three years of age that I’m about forty years too old to go to the movies. Disney studios recently purchased Marvel Comics and their catalog of superhero stories with the intention of moving their core demographic to teenage boys.
I can’t afford to go to the movies anyway, so the movies I do watch, think three-corner hat with a patch over one eye and a parrot on my shoulder. I didn’t see all the Oscar winners but the few that I did see helped to convince me that writing screen plays is a dying art, like barrel making. I decided to come up with my own movie awards and I based them on the solid foundation that “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is the worst film ever made.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/112508/santa-claus-conquers-the-martiansI was one of the unfortunate nine-year-olds who conned my parents into giving me seventy-five cents for that movie ticket, popcorn and a drink. Even at nine I remember leaving the theater thinking, “Man, did that movie suck or what?” So, in having seen the worst movie ever made, I will use it as a basis for my Ralph awards. If a movie makes you ralph like a drunken frat boy, it deserves a Ralph. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is five Ralphs, the worst score possible.
Now, before you get upset at my choices and start calling me names, understand that the basis for a Ralph is a story lacking credibility, over-dependence on special effects in lieu of plot, and just an otherwise dumb premise.
Best Picture from an idea created by a child’s toy designed for prepubescent boys.
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Giant robots return to earth to do battle because they discover the lack of intelligent life on Earth, especially in movie theaters.
{3 Ralphs}
Best Picture taken from a heavy metal song by a rock artist who once bit the head off of a bat.
“Ironman,” staring Explosions and more explosions! Explosions gave a strong performance, and even when you thought that there was nothing left to break, shoot or damage, you’re in for a big finish. So exciting that I could hardly put my transformer down. Great performances by pure good and pure evil, I’m waiting for the director’s cut, now available in two dimensions.
{2 Ralphs}
Best Picture from a great director, which missed completely.
“Inglorious Basterds.” I realize that this isn’t a popular choice, but I was traumatized by this film one night. I wanted to stop watching but couldn’t until I figured out if they were serious or putting me on. I love Quentin Tarantino, I loved “Pulp Fiction” and thought it was a great movie, but this was no “Pulp Fiction.” This was Ralph reality. Look, I loved Willie Mays, too, but even he struck out and dropped the ball sometimes. Look for Explosion's cameo in the closing scene.
{2 Ralphs}
Our special Aren’t Rich White People Wonderful Award goes out to “The Blind Side.”
"The Blind Side" depicts the story of Michael Oher, a homeless African-American youngster from a broken home, taken in by the Tuohys, a well-to-do white family who help him fulfill his potential.
Mr. Tuohy owns a string of fast food restaurants, lives his life in a mansion and drives expensive cars. The Tuohys send their children to expensive, lily-white private schools and they never stop to question why there are so many Michael Ohers in their town. Mrs. Tuohy, played by Sandra Bullock, is the tough-minded, white woman who isn’t afraid of the ghetto Negroes, no matter how menacing they appear to be. The Tuohys show that with love, kindness, and private tutors, that even a poor black child can excel academically.
They never stop to consider that maybe if they paid a little higher taxes or better wages that perhaps they could help hundreds if not thousands of Michaels. If you are a rich white person, it is the feel-good movie of the year. Remember that society can never have too many rich white folks.
{2 Ralphs} for no explosions.
The Best Picture for movies based on black light posters goes to…
The envelope please. Aw, you guessed it, “Avatar.”
Jake is a paraplegic Marine dispatched to the moon Pandora on a unique mission. He becomes torn between following his orders and protecting the world he feels is his home. When the Marine wears his full-body robot suit he is somehow no longer paralyzed. I still haven’t figured that one out, but it is a minor point. The blue, nine foot tall, indigenous "Na'vi" don’t like humans, but somehow if they are wearing robot suits, they like them just fine.
It is a little known historical fact that Columbus used to don a leather thong and smear his body with brown dye and wear a native wig to negotiate with the indigenous natives in the Caribbean.
In his orientation Jake is warned that the "Na'vi" are fierce warriors and almost impossible to kill because of a substance in their bones, a naturally occurring carbon fiber. Okay, that’s one Ralph right there! Corporate and military interests seek to rob the Pandorians of their precious element, unobtainium. Unobtainium defies gravity and floats in midair, yet it never blows away or even sways in the wind. Okay, Ralph number two. There was an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle where Bullwinkle, the moose, and Rocky, the flying squirrel, were seeking upsidaisyium; same story, minus the blue folks.
Jake is captured and sentenced to death by the king when Pocahontas, er... um, Neytiri, the king's daughter, says please spare John Smith’s life and I shall teach him our ways and we shall call him Dances with Kevin Costner. The plot takes another interesting turn when the greatest source for unobtainium, those big islands that are floating in the sky all over the place, is found to be under the Na'vi's sacred tree. Sure, that makes sense, the mother lode of the floating element is under the giant tree. In the climactic battle scene these fierce and almost impossible to kill, nine-foot tall blue warriors are slaughtered by the hundreds by space-age attack helicopters.
The brave blue warriors fight back with homemade spears and bows and arrows. I guess they were hard to kill unless you happened to carry a gun with you.
The picture is one long special effect with a movie made around it. It leans heavily on the audience not paying attention to the story or dialog. Just tags of good guys, bad guys and trusting that the audience will be mesmerized by the special effects.
{4 Ralphs}
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