Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

[Lautremont]

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

more: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_passionate_defender_of


Area Man Laughs, Winces At Unnervingly Accurate Freeper Caricature

[Ian David]

1. Wasn't it McCain that made that mistake? n/t

[5X]

2. I see it is the onion, but this is waaaaay too close to the truth.

that is the truth as seen by fans of limpuke and hannity and such.

[wroberts189]

3. +1

[HughMoran]

4. seemed real enough to me

I know people who talk like that :rofl:

[Autonomy]

5. The Limbaugh Test proves this story true:

"If it SEEMS real, it is real."

Also, don't miss the shot at liberals:

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

[mwb970]

6. I can no longer distinguish between parody and actual conservative behavior.

How do you "parody" batshit crazy?