The Newest Weight-Loss Craze Sweeping Septic Right Wing Talk Show Hosts

[babylonsister]

http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/23152

The Newest Weight-Loss Craze Sweeping Septic Right Wing Talk Show Hosts

by Stacie Adams | August 6, 2009


I once knew a fat girl who shed an exorbitant amount of weight one summer after being overweight her entire life. What was her secret, you ask? Diet and exercise? Stomach stapling? Over the counter pep pills? No, she took the lo-fi root and started dating a drug dealer who plied her with all the free pills she could suck down.

In other news, Rush Limbaugh shed 90 lbs in a relatively brief period of time, leaving many of his followers scratching their empty heads. Limbaugh credits the Quick Weight Loss Center for his svelte new figure and from at least a cursory glance at the company's website, they seem no different from the myriad of manic weight loss methods flooding the market.

I have a feeling Limbaugh just googled "quick weight loss" and cited the first shoddy ad he came across. The reason his rapid reduction is so curious is because last time this happened we all found out that Limbaugh was little more than an OxyContin junkie.

Anyone immersed in drug culture know that OxyContin is usually the last gasp before one moves on to harder, more devastating substances (like heroin). There are probably no casual OxyContin users because OxyContin is not a social, feel-good drug. You don't want to spend the evening laughing it up with your friends; you want to crawl into a hole and die. I wouldn't put a person with a past OxyContin addiction in charge of a basket full of puppies, let alone allow them to helm a wildly popular talk show aimed at disgruntled white grand-pappies.

But the rules are different for Limbaugh, as they've always been. Destitute welfare moms and suburban teenagers are junkies, Limbaugh has a drug problem. He should be pampered and coddled and sent to a nice facility where he can drink gourmet coffee out on the patio while hobnobbing with the celebrity addict elite. Then he can release a tear-stained statement apologizing to his fans for disappointing them while concurrently promising to "do better in the future."

If you've ever had the displeasure of knowing a junkie personally, you are surely aware that this is the same exact thing they say every time they mess up.
_______

[MADem]

1. I think he got "the band" myself.

He could be high as a kite, too. Who knows?

[TlalocW]

2. Stuff like this is why I will - if I can - forgo taking any kinds of medication

It seems to me that the side effects are worse than anything the pill solves, and they're constantly pushing out new ones for "diseases" I never knew existed like "Restless Leg Syndrome." Sure, the pretty woman playing with kids in the backyard looks like she's happy now that her RLS is under control, but as she and the little ones are throwing a tennis ball for the family dog, THE VOICE comes on, speaking very low and very rapidly...

"Side effects for maldexahydrenapopcatapetl include headache, eyeache, earache, heart palpitations, night sweats, ingrown toenails, runny nose, rasping cough, restless leg syndrome (wait, what?), the heartbreak of psoriasis, mudbutt, fever, night fever, boogie fever, cankles, shin splits, rickets, scurvy, hotdog fingers, Count Choculitis, spontaneous dental hydroplosion, and bleeding from every bodily orifice at the same time. Contact your doctor to see if maldexahydrenapopcatapetl is right for you."

I suffered through two weeks of pain after getting my tonsils removed as an adult instead of taking the Codeine prescribed to me because the name scared me. I also refused the Valium offered to me before my LASIK operation. Hearing all these stories has got me pretty well scared.

TlalocW