http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-maher21-2009may21,0,7944770.storySuperheroes can't save California
Who are the villains in the comic mess the state has become? We are.
By Bill Maher
Stop believing you can solve your problems by electing a superhero. The skills they bring to problem-solving are different.
For example, when Spider-Man catches someone robbing a bank, he knocks the guy through an armored car. Whereas President Obama writes them a check.
Here in California, we experimented with making an action hero our leader. He was going to build roads and schools, cut taxes and balance the budget. How? Simple. Because he was a hulking man-monster who could bend lampposts and have sex with a Kennedy and live.
Five years ago, Arnold Schwarzenegger was handsome, smiling Gov. Arnold.
Now, it's Arnold as the Terminator with half a face.
Is the fiscal crisis here in California Arnold's fault? Absolutely not. This is a man who came to America with nothing but a jar of protein powder and a nice pair of 36D-cup breasts and became the biggest star in Hollywood despite never learning to speak English.
It's not Arnold's fault that California has a worse credit rating than Louisiana, a state that's half underwater and half in the bag.
You see, our state is designed to be ungovernable because we govern by ballot initiative, and we only write two kinds of them: "Spend money on things I like" and "Don't raise my taxes." More money for teachers and firefighters? Check "yes"! High-speed rail? "Cooool!" Drug treatment for former child actors? "Sure, why not?" But don't even think of taxing me for any of it.
That's not an answer! Newt Gingrich had it right when he said, "People don't elect presidents who tell them to sacrifice. They elect presidents who solve problems for them so they don't have to sacrifice."
Right, like Obama should solve global warming by working a little harder in his secret White House lab and coming up with a car that runs on seawater and emits gold doubloons. Someone who magically gives you everything and asks nothing in return? Bernie Madoff tried that plan; it didn't work.
This is why our founders wanted a representative democracy, because they knew that if you give the average guy the chance, he'll vote for a fantasy world with no taxes and free beer.
California used to be like the rest of the country, following the instructions in the Constitution and everything. But then we chucked that, and now our state is governed not by elected representatives but by special-interest people standing in front of the supermarket with clipboards asking, "Would you like to sign a petition to cut your taxes?" And then that becomes law. Proposition 14C: Two weeks paid leave for hangovers and universal teeth whitening, paid for by Central Valley cow gas. "Vote 'yes' on gain, 'no' on pain."
So the state will probably go bankrupt. It's sad that we'll be closing the schools, but you'll want to keep the kids at home anyway, because we're closing all the prisons and letting all the rapists out.
Obviously Schwarzenegger wasn't the answer. But there's a new "Terminator" movie; we could get Christian Bale.
Truth is, even superheroes couldn't get us out of the mess we're in now. Superman can stop bullets, move mountains and crush coal into diamonds, but he can't help us. He works for a newspaper. He needs a job. He wants to leap tall buildings and then crash on your couch. Batman can't help you. He can't get parts for his big, stupid American car. And Wonder Woman can't help you, because we don't allow gays in uniform.
But before you laugh at us, remember: This desire to have everything and give up nothing is a national condition, not just a California thing. Like everything else, we just take what's real, exaggerate it, add some explosions and give it a giant pair of fake breasts.
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