Episode 20: On the Ground in Denver

[ThShifties]

A small group of young men stand on a street corner in downtown Denver. They carry signs and chant slogans in support of John McCain and against Barack Obama. After a while, they are approached by a large man dressed entirely in Army fatigues. He wears a sergeant’s insignia.

McCain supporter: Wow, man. Are you like on active duty?

Sergeant: Sure am, my loyal American patriot brothers. And I can’t tell you how good it is for the heart of an old soldier, to see you strong young American’s out here carrying Freedom’s message.

McCain supporter #1: That’s why we do it, man. We love America!

Sergeant: I know it. Anyway, I was wonderin’ if maybe you fellas might be up for somethin’ a little stronger. In the way of commitment, I mean.

McCain Supporter #1: Commitment’s what we’re all about, bro! We’re not pussies like those Obama guys over there! Gestures at group of college students across the street. \Nobama! Nobama!

Sergeant: Yeah, that’s a terrific yell you got, man. I was thinkin’ of something a little longer term, y’know?

McCain supporter #2: Such as?

Sergeant: See, we got some troops over there, we need to rotate’em out. They done three or even four tours already, and they’re pretty tired. Plus they got kids they ain’t seen, knowhutI’msayin?

McCain supporter #3: Sure man. They did their tours. Bring’em back. All together, chanting Bring’em back! Give’em a parade!

Sergeant: Exactly, my brother. But see, there’s a slight problem. We don’t have nobody to replace’em.

McCain supporter #2: You mean like, new recruits?

Sergeant: relieved Yeah, you got it right the first time. And those pussies over there… indicating the young Democrats… we wouldn’t even want those guys. Not that they’d ever volunteer.

McCain supporters jeering They wouldn’t even want you, ya pussies!!

Sergeant: Would you want somebody in your unit, somebody you depended on in a firefight, who didn’t even believe in the cause of Iraqi Freedom? That thought the whole damn war was a mistake?

McCain supporters: Boo! Traitors!

Sergeant: What we need over there is loyal American patriots, like you guys.

McCain supporters grow suddenly quiet

Sergeant to supporter #1: Like, how old are you?

McCain supporter 1: Twenty-three.

Sergeant: I bet you graduated from college.

McCain supporter: Last June.

Sergeant: Marrried? Got young kids?

McCain supporter: No. My girlfriend dumped me for this musician.

Sergeant: They do that, man. But think about it: ain’t this a perfect time for national service? Why not give up a year or two that you probably would just spend drinkin’ anyway? For your country?

McCain supporter #2: In the military.

Sergeant: That’s what John McCain would do. “Course, his dad was an Admiral, so he had to go into the Naval Academy and be a Captain. Family tradition and all. But I bet he really wanted to be a grunt in Vietnam. That’s where the real action was.

McCain Supporters together: Big John! Big Bad John!

Supporter 1: Gosh, I don’t know…

Sergeant: You got to realize, the modern Army is not your dad’s army. We’ve practically eliminated all the downside. Say, I think it’s time for some musical accompaniment. Pay attention, men.

Three little figures run out from the bushes. It’s Alvin and the Chipmunks. They begin to sing.

SINGING (to the tune of Randy Newmans’ “Sail Away”)
In Iraq, there’s plenty junk food to eat,
In a couple of days, you don’t even notice the heat.
And under them burkas, them native girls is sweet,
They love a man in a uniform.

There’s no life sweeter than a new recruit’s,
You just sit around and polish your boots.
You get a gun, we even teach you to shoot.
The beer is free, in the military.

CHORUS
Sign away, Sign away,
Once the paperwork is done, then we can play.
Sign away, sign away,
You’re gonna love it in the military.

(Music fades to gentle background chorus)

McCain supporter #2: But look, don’t soldiers get shot at? And what about the IED’s?

Sergeant shakes head in dismay: Man, ain’t you heard of the Surge? That’s ancient history. Bagdad’s safer’n New York City. Well, maybe not Brooklyn. But look, you got a gun! You can protect yourself!

McCain supporters: Yeah! We got guns!!

Sergeant: And if you sign up today, when you get out, you get to keep the gun! When you’re back here in The World, I mean.

McCain supporter:# 2: Really? Izzat legal?

Sergeant: Hell yes. Or at least, it will be when John McCain is President. You watch, he’ll make the Second Amendment the First Amendment! That free speech stuff is trouble anyway.

Music swells again. The Chipmunks in full throat…

Sign away. Sign away.
Once the paperwork is done, then we can play.
Sign away, sign away,
You’re gonna love it in Fallujah.