Episode 19: T Boone Goes To Denver

[ThShifties]

Scene: Legendary billionaire T. Boone Pickens is being interviewed on a Fox affiliate in Colorado.

Interviewer: Mr. Pickens, you’re scheduled to present in Denver on your Pickens Plan to develop alternative energy sources including wind and natural gas. I can’t help but wonder if, as a funder of the Swift Boat Veterans smear campaign in 2004, you aren’t a bit nervous about addressing an audience of Democrats.

Pickens: Democrats? Who said they’re Democrats?

Interviewer: It’s Convention week. You’ll be in the Big Tent.

Pickens: Damn.

Interviewer: You didn’t know?

Pickens: recovering quickly ‘Course I knew. And let me tell you, I got no problem with Democrats. Or Libertarians. Or Greens. I’m willing to spend a few hours jawin’ with anybody. Long as they got a vote on the Federal energy budget, I mean.

Interviewer: Do you still speak to the Swift Boaters?

Pickens: Nope. I made a misjudgeriment there. Them guys are cockroaches.

Interviewer: chuckling You’re speaking metaphorically, of course.

Pickens: No I ain’t.

Interviewer: So you aren’t a partisan in the election?

Pickens: Used to be, back in 04. Can’t afford it nowadays. You got to stay upwind of your money sources. If the Republicans get in, you can always bribe’em. But that don’t work with Democrats. They got no sense of humor about bidness.

Interviewer: May I ask your opinion of Senator McCain?

Pickens: considers Better’n some, worser nor others. One thing about Johnny, he’s got friends in the oil bidness. Or maybe ‘employers’ is the term I’m lookin’ for. John’s a friendly guy. Used to was he had friends in the Savings & Loan bidness, afore that went to crap.

Interviewer: Hmmm. In your opinion, is he qualified to be President?

Pickens: Qualified? What the hell does that mean? He’s a Senator, goddammit. He probably ain’t ‘qualified’ for dogcatcher. But hell, he’s no badder’n that bunch of nose hair trimmers we got up in the White House now.

Interviewer: He’s very experienced.

Pickens: In what? He went from the Navy to the Senate, with a stop at Barry Goldwater’s butt. That means his main skills is one, droppin’ bombs, and two, makin’ speeches. I expect he’ll do plenty of both if he gets a chance.

Outside those two areas, he’ll struggle a bit. Probably have to start a war the Russkies. They’re fun to fight. That Putin guy likes to pose with his shirt off, don’t he? Don’t seem like it’d be hard to get him riled up enough to send a couple battalions out there where John could get a shot off.

Interviewer: That’s a scary thought.

Pickens: Not for John McCain. It’s more like porn.

Interviewer: Do you have an opinion on his apparent gaffe regarding the number of houses that he owns?

Pickens: Hell, I don’t know how many houses I got, either. Look, if you’re married to Miss Budweiser, you’re gonna be wantin’ a few alternatives as to where you lay your head at night.

Interviewer: Your opinion of Cindy McCain as First Lady?

Pickens: I’ll just say that if she gets to plant her hope chest in the Lincoln bedroom, you can bet Medicare will start payin’ for botox treatments.

Interviewer: Would that be so awful?

Pickens: Hell, yes. I don’t own a lick of botox stock. Thinks I might could stock up on some canned vegetables with dents in ‘em.

Interviewer: One last question. I understand you’re forming a corps of volunteers to carry the message about your Pickens Plan to the citizenry.

Pickens: Yep. Students. Regular fools for the environment. Got a name for’em and everything.

Interviewer: May I ask what they’re called?

Pickens: The Pickens Ninnies.