The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 343

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 343

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 343

June 30, 2008
Look Who's Protecting Marriage Now Edition

This week Sens. Larry Craig and David Vitter (1) make a triumphant return to the list as they... well, you won't quite believe it. Elsewhere John McCain (2,3,5) struggles along, Sam Brownback (8) gets it backwards, and George W. Bush (10) drops a clanger. As usual, don't forget the key!

Larry Craig and David Vitter

Let's begin this week with an entry from the "So Messed Up It Can't Possibly Be True - Oh My God It's True" file...

Two United States Senators implicated in extramarital sexual activity have named themselves as co-sponsors of S. J. RES. 43, dubbed the Marriage Protection Amendment. If ratified, the bill would amend the United States Constitution to state that marriage "shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman."

The two senators are of course Larry Craig (R-Naturally), who pleaded guilty to trolling for sex in an airport bathroom, and David Vitter (R-Obviously), who admitted to cheating on his wife with high-priced prostitutes in Washington DC. While wearing diapers.

Clearly their principled action comes not a moment too soon - after all, "traditional marriage" is truly under attack. Just take a look at this recent CNN story:

Breaking ground is nothing new in the nearly six-decade relationship of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon.

The lesbian couple were the first to participate in a 2004 challenge of California laws against same-sex marriage, exchanging wedding vows only to see the ceremony voided later.

But on Monday, Martin, 87, and Lyon, 84, exchanged vows again. This time, California law -- at least for now -- was on their side.

(snip)

"When you consider these two women, who have been denied their rights for 55 years -- put yourself in their shoes and you start to feel a little bit differently," said Newsom, adding that allowing gay and lesbians to marry is about giving them the respect and dignity they deserve.

So keep up the good work, Sens. Craig and Vitter. I'm so glad that you two fine, upstanding gentlemen have the values and integrity necessary to defend "traditional marriage" from despicable subhumans like Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon.

Charlie Black and John McCain

And the stale stench of John McCain's campaign reeks on... Last week Charlie Black, one of McCain's chief advisers, announced that a terrorist attack on U.S. soil before the November election "would be a big advantage" to his candidate.

John McCain immediately expressed outrage at the remark.

Questioned about Black's comments during a news conference, McCain said, "I cannot imagine why he would say it. It's not true. I've worked tirelessly since 9/11 to prevent another attack on the United States of America. My record is very clear."

Citing his work to establish a commission to investigate the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and his membership on the Senate Armed Services Committee, McCain added: "I cannot imagine it, and so, if he said that - and I don't know the context - I strenuously disagree."

Ready for the blatant hypocrisy? Let's rewind to 2004, when Osama bin Laden released a video tape shortly before the general election...

But as McCain greets two breakfast-eating business partners, one from Stamford and the other from Bridgeport, the topic turns to the presidential race. The two men tell the senator they support President George W. Bush, and to that end, McCain says, "(Osama) Bin Laden may have just given us a little boost. Amazing, huh?"....

The two men, who requested anonymity, nod their heads in agreement. Later, while riding with Shays on an RV to a rally at the Stamford Government Center, McCain further explains, "(The video) is helpful to President Bush because it puts the focus on the war on terrorism."

When confronted with this inconsistency McCain said, "I remember when you could get a soda pop and a hot dog and a ticket to the moving picture show for a NICKEL. What's going on? Where am I?"

John McCain

Okay, that's enough blatant hypocrisy. How about some terrifying apocalyptic foreshadowing? Last week the Huffington Post reported that:

John McCain said last night during a campaign tele-conference that he would bring back a military draft in the United States only in the case of a 'World War III' scenario.

Phew! That's okay then. But wait, what's this?

During a July 2006 interview on CNN, McCain was asked about the following statement by Newt Gingrich: "We're in the early stages of what I would describe as the Third World War and, frankly, our bureaucracies aren't responding fast enough." Asked whether he agreed, McCain said:

"I do to some extent. I think it's important to recognize that we have terrorist organizations which -- who are dangerous by themselves, are now being supported by radical Islamic governments, i.e., the Iranians, which makes them incredibly more dangerous because they are trained, equipped, motivated and assisted in every way by the Iranians."

So let me get this straight. According to McCain we won't have a draft unless World War III starts. Also according to McCain, World War III has already started.

Hey, John McCain!

Isn't it about time you learned the difference?

Assorted Neo-cons

And speaking of starting World War III... a few weeks ago I noted that Iraq War cheerleader Daniel Pipes had come to the conclusion that should Barack Obama win the election this November, George W. Bush will bomb Iran.

PIPES: What I suspect will be the case is, should the Democratic nominee win in November, President Bush will do something. And should it be Mr. McCain that wins, he'll punt, and let McCain decide what to do.

It appears that Mr. Pipes is not alone. Last week renowned douchebag Bill Kristol floated the exact same theory to Chris Wallace on Fox News:

KRISTOL: I think honestly, if the president felt John McCain were going to be the next president he would think it more appropriate to let the next president make that decision than do it on his way out. I do wonder with Sen. Obama, if president Bush thinks Sen, Obama win does he somehow think that, does he worry that Obama won't follow through on the policy…

WALLACE: So, you're suggesting that he might in fact, if Obama's going to win the election, either before or after the election—launch a military strike?

KRISTOL: I don't know. I think he would worry about it. On the other hand, you can't, it's hard to make foreign policy based on guesses about election results...

Hmm. But if that wasn't enough, yet another member of the neo-con community popped up last week, this time asserting that Israel would bomb Iran if Obama is elected:

Former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton believes Israel will stage a raid against Iran's nuclear facilities if Democratic nominee Barack Obama wins the upcoming presidential election in November.

Bolton, often labeled a resolute neo-conservative, believes the Israeli attack would take place sometime between the day after Obama's win and his inauguration on January 20 of next year.

Their premise is this: we're going to war whether you like it or not, so who do you want to clean up the mess: Obama or McCain?

Fortunately these neo-con losers have been proven wrong so many times that this is probably just their way of getting a cheap thrill. Remember, if your erection lasts longer than four hours, you may be spending too much time thinking about bombing Iran.

John McCain

The Senate recently passed a new GI bill which will, among other things, give greater educational benefits to veterans. Here's John McCain bragging about the bill last week at a town hall meeting in Ohio:

"I'm happy to tell you that we probably agreed to an increase in educational benefits for our veterans that not only gives them that gives them an increase in their educational benefits, but if they stay in for a certain amount of time than they can transfer those educational benefits to their spouses and or children. That's a very important aspect I think of incentivizing people of staying in the military."

But as Raw Story points out, McCain "not only opposed the bill, but also did not show up for the vote in the Senate." It's true. According to a CNN piece last month:

Sen. John McCain on Monday defended his opposition to a Democratic bill that would expand education benefits for veterans, saying it would hurt the military that he hopes to lead.

The new GI Bill being debated in Congress would expand education benefits for veterans who served at least three years in the military after the September 11, 2001, attacks.

And according to the Boston Globe:

The Democratic National Committee accused John McCain of being AWOL from the Senate vote yesterday for a new GI Bill to provide better education benefits for returning veterans. McCain was in California on a campaign and fund-raising trip, while both Democratic contenders, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, left the campaign trail to vote for the bill, which passed by a veto-proof 75-to-22 majority.

Tune in next week to hear McCain describe how he won the Battle of Midway.

Peggy Noonan

Last week Peggy Noonan pinpointed the reason behind John McCain's sagging poll numbers and moribund presidential campaign: he's just not funny any more.

Let McCain be McCain. Get him in the papers being who he is, get people looking at his real nature. Maybe then they'll start taking him seriously when he talks policy. Maybe he'll start taking himself seriously when he talks policy.

The most interesting thing about Mr. McCain has always been the delight he takes in a certain unblinkered candor. There is also the antic part of his nature, his natural wit, his tropism toward comedy.

It seems that Ms. Noonan has not been paying attention. Just last week, McCain displayed his "natural wit" and "tropism toward comedy..."

In an interview with the Las Vegas Sun, Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., was asked by columnist Jon Ralston why he didn't choose Gov. Jim Gibbons to chair his Nevada campaign.

(snip)

Maybe it's the governor's approval rating and you are running from him like you are from the president? Asked Ralston in a question McCain clearly found loaded.

Said McCain, chuckling, "And I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago."

Touché! Just one problem...

Gibbons you may recall started his governorship amidst accusations that he assaulted a cocktail waitress named Chrissy Mazzeo three weeks before Election Day. Mazzeo said Gibbons grabbed her in a parking garage and threatened to sexually assault her.

Whoops.

But it's true, McCain is well known for his wit. Who could forget the time he told this great gag at a fundraiser in 1998?

JOHN McCAIN: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.

Clever stuff. And what about this 1992 classic?

CINDY McCAIN: (mussing John's hair) You're getting a little thin up there.

JOHN McCAIN: At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.

Eat your heart out, George Bernard Shaw. So come on, handlers. Take Peggy Noonan's advice and "Let McCain be McCain." It's a surefire recipe for success!

Karl Rove

Fox News commentator Karl Rove attempted to raise his head above the waterline of irrelevancy last week with this curious take on Barack Obama:

"Even if you never met him, you know this guy," Rove said... "He's the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by."

Really? I thought Barack Obama was the kind of guy you'd see hanging around at the mosque wearing a turban and plotting to introduce Sharia Law to the United States. Come on, Karl, you used to be good at this. Now you can't even get your smears straight.

Funnily enough, there is one person who fits Rove's country club description perfectly...

Sam Brownback

As demonstrated by Karl Rove (Barack Obama is a member of the Black Panthers! No, wait, he's a rich country club elitist!), John McCain's election strategy is all over the place. Last week the GOP revealed their latest plan of attack - paint Obama as a "typical politician." Good luck with that one...

And wait a minute - isn't Obama supposed to be the best friend of terrorists and crazy pastors? Well don't worry about that folks - it turns out he's just a typical politician after all. Phew, what a relief!

But apparently the McCain campaign hasn't mired itself in enough mixed messages just yet, so last week they enlisted Sen. Brownback to throw some more shit at the fan to see what, er, blows.

On a McCain campaign conference call with reporters this morning, Brownback - who was briefly one of McCain's rivals for the Republican nomination - said Obama was all talk and no action when it came to working across the aisle.

"John McCain's a maverick. He's fought for a bipartisan fashion," Brownback said. "I think that the biggest thing I've seen from Barack Obama is a willingness, aggressiveness, to talk bipartisan and yet to vote the hard left - most liberal member of the United States Senate."

So there you have it folks - not only is Barack Obama a scary exotic typical politician radical Christian Muslim country club member, he's also a hardcore partisan who has refused to reach across the aisle and grasp Sam Brownback's friendly Republican hand! Egad!

Just one tiny problem...

...Obama's rapid-response team quickly fired off an e-mail listing the projects on which he worked with Brownback. They include a Brownback bill that authorized sanctions against people who were involved with the genocide in Darfur, a version of which became law in 2006. They also teamed up on an Obama bill that required the administration to provide humanitarian relief and other aid to the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

Brownback also co-sponsored Obama's bill to impose sanctions against Iran. And the two were involved - though not the principal players - in the 2006 immigration overhaul effort that McCain worked on with Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts.

And another one bites the dust.

Grover Norquist

So let's see: Scary radical Muslim? Fail. Scary radical Christian? Fail. Country club elitist? Fail. Typical politician? Fail. Uncompromising partisan? Fail. Looks like the GOP has only got one place left to go...

John McCain has been trying hard of late to link Barack Obama with Jimmy Carter in the public consciousness, hoping that the "ineffectual" label that many voters affix to the former president will prove transferable.

But Grover Norquist -- the conservative activist who specializes in promoting an anti-tax agenda and, more generally, revels in the role of agent provocateur -- is offering a different comparison.

Norquist dropped by The Times' Washington bureau today and, as part of his negative critique of Obama's liberal stances on economic issues and other matters, he termed the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee "John Kerry with a tan."

That's right folks - he's not just John Kerry, he's John Kerry with a tan.

Or to put it another way, LOOK OUT!!! THERE'S A NEGRO ON THE LOOSE!!!!!!

George W. Bush

And finally, last week Our Great Leader hosted the president of the Phillipines, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, at the White House. As per usual, he totally blew it.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that -- in which there's a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House.

Let's put that in perspective shall we?

I mean, really.

The Top 10 is taking a break next week, and will return on July 14. To keep you going until then, let's take a look at...

White House offcials came up with a clever new way to pass the buck last week - they refused to accept a new EPA report on greenhouse gases by "telling agency officials that an e-mail message containing the document would not be opened."

Cindy McCain revealed that "she wants to become a figurehead for humanitarian work like the late Diana, Princess of Wales, if she makes it to the White House." There was no word on whether she'll bother to carry out this humanitarian work if she doesn't make it to the White House.

Also in Cindy McCain news: http://thinkprogress.org/2008/06/28/mccains-home-in-california-about-to-enter-into-tax-default/">according to Think Progress, the McCains have "failed to pay taxes on their beach-front home in La Jolla, California, for the last four years and are about to enter into default. ... the McCains had been delinquent in paying taxes until Newsweek inquired about the matter. The McCains then paid off $6,744.42 in back taxes, but still owe more." Wait a minute, they've got a beach-front home in http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-137020111.html">La Jolla? I thought Barack Obama was supposed to be the elitist...

Dino Rossi, Republican candidate for governor of Washington, illustrated the depths that the Republican party has sunk to last week when he announced that he will be identified as a member of the "G.O.P. Party" on the ballot this fall. Apparently the word "Republican" is now only to be mentioned in hushed, furtive whispers after the clock strikes midnight.

It was pointed out last week that much like our current great president George W. Bush, John McCain doesn't work on weekends. To be fair, McCain does need to spend those weekends hooked up to a machine which replenishes his energy by sucking the life force out of virgins.

Religious wingnut James Dobson attacked Barack Obama recently, which prompted Rev. Kirbyjon Caldwell, "leader of the largest Methodist congregation in the country," to announce his support for Obama and launch a website called "James Dobson Does Not Speak For Me." To rub it in, it turns out that Rev. Caldwell is the guy who introduced George W. Bush at the 2000 Republican National Convention. Karl Rove really has destroyed the Republican party, hasn't he?

Stop the presses! Ted Haggard is a sexaholic.

Thanks to CrooksAndLiars.com, we learn that John McCain believes it's bad luck to be handed a salt shaker, throw a hat onto a bed, or pick up a coin that's tails up. He also carries a lucky feather, a lucky compass, a lucky pen, a laminated four-leaf clover, a lucky penny, a lucky nickel, a lucky quarter - in fact, lucky change that adds up to 31 cents. And recently, he had his staff relabel the 13th floor of his campaign headquarters in Virginia to the "M floor." According to CNN, "The whole floor was renamed and relabeled by the campaign, right down to the buttons on the elevators." Did I mention he also owns a machine that sucks the life force out of virgins?

Okay, that's it - see you in two weeks!

-- EarlG