Liposuction: The Key to Energy Independence By Barbara Ehrenreich

[Demeter]

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20080707/ehrenreich

I DON'T NEED TO TELL ANYONE THIS IS INTENDED AS HUMOR, I HOPE? SCREENSAVER WARNING!!



Barbara Ehrenreich: Obese America is literally sitting on vast energy reserves--all we need to do is extract it and turn it into fuel...I'm talking about liposuction, of course, and it's a mystery to me why it hasn't occurred to any of those geniuses who are constantly opining about fuel prices on MSNBC. The average liposuction removes about half a gallon of liquid fat, which may not seem like much. But think of the vast reserves our nation is literally sitting on! Thirty percent of Americans are obese, or about 90 million individuals or 45 million gallons of easily available fat--not from dead diatoms but from our very own bellies and butts.

This is the humane alternative to biofuels derived directly from erstwhile foodstuffs like corn. Biofuels, as you might have noticed, are exacerbating the global food crisis by turning edible plants into gasoline. But we could put humans back in the loop by first turning the corn into Doritos and hence into liposuctionable body fat. There would be a reason to live again, even a patriotic rationale for packing on the pounds.

True, liposuction is not risk-free, as the numerous doctors' websites on the subject inform us. And those of us who insist on driving gas-guzzlers may soon start depleting their personal fat reserves, much as heroin addicts run out of useable veins. But the gaunt, punctured look could become a fashion statement. Already, the combination of a tiny waist and a huge carbon footprint--generated by one's Hummer and private jet--is considered a sign of great wealth.

And think what it would do for our nation's self-esteem. We may not lead the world in scientific innovation, educational achievement or low infant mortality, but we are the global champions of obesity. Go to www. nationmaster.com and you'll find America well ahead of the pack when it comes to personal body fat, while those renowned oil-producers Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and Iran aren't even among the top twenty-nine. All we need is a healthy dose of fat pride and for CVS to start marketing home liposuction kits. That run for Mountain Dew and chips could soon be an energy-neutral proposition.


About Barbara Ehrenreich
Barbara Ehrenreich, the author of Nickel and Dimed (Owl), is the winner of the 2004 Puffin/Nation Prize. more...