The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 342

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 342

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 342

June 23, 2008
Trouble And Strife Edition

This week John McCain (1,5,10) is joined on the list for the first time by his good lady wife Cindy McCain (2). Elsewhere, George W. Bush (3) parties while the Midwest drowns, Jonathan Alcox (4) embarrasses the GOP, and Robert Hurt (7) tries to out-prude John Ashcroft. As usual, don't forget the key!

John McCain and the Wingnut Army

For weeks now the right-wing has been doing its best to smear Michelle Obama by taking her "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country" comment out of context and trying to turn her into the classic, racist stereotype of an "angry black woman." This tactic is hardly surprising, given that George W. Bush has spent the past eight years taking a dump on America and they've got absolutely no idea how to clean up the mess.

According to the wingnuts, Michelle's comments prove that she is an irate America-hating radical. Never mind the fact that she was speaking about America's political system - how dare she tangentially suggest that this great nation should not be given lots of back rubs and possibly a foot massage?

One wonders, then what the right-wing will make of these recently-discovered comments by Sen. John McCain...

Republican presidential candidate John McCain admitted on Saturday it can be difficult at times to be proud of the United States. "I'll admit to you ... that it's tough in some respects," McCain said when asked by a questioner at a town hall meeting how to be proud of the country.

It's difficult to be proud of the United States, senator? Surely not for you and your fellow Republicans. Don't you wake up every morning and masturbate into an American flag?

But it turns out that McCain's comments are just the tip of an insidious iceberg. You see, back in March, McCain told Fox News that:

"I didn't really love America until I was deprived of her company."

Uh oh. And it turns out that McCain has held this traitorous position for some time. Here he is back in 1999:

"It wasn't until I was deprived of her company that I fell in love with America."

Yet for some reason Sean Hannity has not been devoting every single second of his TV and radio shows to slamming McCain for admitting that he spent 31 of his 71 years not loving America. In fact, Fox News even managed to http://www.jedreport.com/2008/06/damaging-mccain.html">leave that entire segment out of their transcript. I wonder why?

Cindy McCain

I really wasn't going to go here, but since Cindy McCain has decided to add her two cents to the whole "let's turn Michelle Obama into a racist stereotype of an angry black woman" thing that the GOP seems to have going on at the moment, tough shit.

Here's Mrs. McCain on Good Morning America last week:

On the subject of patriotism, while Laura Bush may be ready to give Michelle Obama the benefit of the doubt, Cindy McCain is not.

"Everyone has their own experience," she says. "I don't know why she said what she said. All I know is that I have always been proud of my country."

Classy.

It's true though, everyone does have their own experience. For example, Michelle Obama grew up in a working class family on the south side of Chicago, excelled in school, was accepted to Princeton University and graduated cum laude before moving on to Harvard Law School where she attained a J.D. degree. She went to work at the Sidley Austin law firm in Chicago and met Barack Obama when he joined the firm as a summer associate; they married a few years later.

Cindy McCain, on the other hand, is a former cheerleader who grew up a multi-millionaire. She started banging John McCain, a man 17 years her senior, while he was still married to his first wife.

Ten years later Cindy got hooked on Percocet and Vicodin, which, according to Wikipedia, she "took to alleviate pain following two spinal surgeries for ruptured discs and to ease emotional stress during the Keating Five scandal, which involved her as a bookkeeper who had difficulty finding receipts."

In order to feed her habit, Cindy decided to steal drugs from the American Voluntary Medical Team she'd founded one year earlier. Unfortunately she was ratted out to the the DEA, although she managed to avoid prosecution by agreeing to pay a fine, perform community service, and enter a drug treatment program.

Still, unlike her husband, at least she's always been proud of her country. And thank goodness she has him around to stick up for her. Last week, according to CNN, he demanded that:

...every candidate's wife "should be treated with respect, and if there's any disrespectful conduct on the part of anyone, those people should be rejected."

Perhaps McCain ought to reject himself then, since he was once overheard telling Cindy, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."

Presumably Cindy was too busy popping opiates and being proud of her country to notice.

George W. Bush

Hey, remember when this happened to the Gulf Coast...

...and George W. Bush immediately leaped into action?

Well now it's the Midwest's turn to suffer a disastrous flood, and once again Our Great Leader has dropped everything and raced to help.

Bush soaks in Europe like only a president can

Tea at Windsor Castle with Queen Elizabeth II, bike rides in a Paris park and the lush German countryside, a stunning view from a Renaissance villa outside Rome, a rare stroll with the pope in the Vatican's private gardens?

Not a bad life. It seems President Bush is learning to enjoy the perks of traveling abroad as the most powerful man in the world.

(snip)

Evenings were busy for the typically early-to-bed president. On five of his seven nights away, he was the guest of honor at a lavish dinner.

But each one was held in a beautiful old-world setting, like a baroque lakeside castle north of Berlin, Paris' elegant presidential Elysee Palace, 10 Downing Street in London and the ornate residence of the American ambassador to France.

And Bush is certainly seeming to enjoy the food.

How nice. But it wasn't all lush banquets and tea with the Queen. One of his ports of call was a school in Northern Ireland, where Bush http://blog.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/06/16/bushs_hoop_dreams_fall_to_eart.html">tried his hand at a little basketball. So to recap, while this was going on:

This was going on.

Will. The. Madness. Never. End.

Oh, by the way, if you were wondering what Barack Obama was up to while George was goofing around on his European vacation...

...he was actually doing something useful.

Jonathan Alcox

The GOP has no small number of problems in this election year. Eight out of ten Americans think the country is heading in the wrong direction. George W. Bush won't go away. And their desperately shite presidential candidate John S. McSame doesn't know whether he's coming or going.

Add to that list the fact that between now and November - and beyond, if Barack Obama becomes president - they're going to be constantly apologizing for all the racists who are magnetically attracted to the Republican Party.

The Republican Party of Texas will donate proceeds from a vendor who sold a racist campaign button at the state convention last weekend, a party spokesman said Wednesday.

A vendor called Republicanmarket.com sold a button that read "If Obama is president ... will we still call it The White House?" The button was sold in a pavilion adjoining the convention hall in Houston.

And here it is:

Mind you, the button's creator, Jonathan Alcox, was quick to defend himself.

"We're into humor, not racism," said Alcox, who described himself as an independent who still may vote for Obama in November. "Why would I do that purposely? I thought it was funny."

Sure it was. Why, you only have to look at some of the other buttons Alcox has created to see what an independently-minded, not-at-all-racist fellow he is...

John McCain

"McCain ad puts distance with Bush on environment" blared the Associated Press headline last week as John McCain unveiled a new campaign ad touting his green credentials.

Announcer: John McCain stood up to the president and sounded the alarm on global warming, five years ago. Today, he has a realistic plan that will curb greenhouse gas emissions. A plan that will help grow our economy and protect our environment. Reform. Prosperity. Peace. John McCain.

Good stuff. Just one problem.

...the ad aired a day after McCain's announcement Monday that, like Bush, he favors lifting the federal moratorium on offshore drilling.

Very nice. And how about some flip flop with that hypocrisy, senator?

The announcement, a reversal from his position in his first presidential campaign in 2000, when he said he favored the ban, upset environmental groups.

Splendid. Now top the whole thing off by reminding everyone how thoroughly confused you are.

McCain also had indicated he was open to a windfall profits tax on the oil industry, but on Tuesday criticized Democratic rival Barack Obama for demanding the same thing.

This is really getting too easy.

Tony Fratto

Case in point: last week White House spokesman Tony Fratto told reporters that, "There is no tool in the toolbox out there that will lower gas prices overnight or in weeks, and probably not even in months."

White House spokesman Tony Fratto, during today's briefing, said that "anyone out there saying that something can be done overnight or in a matter of months to deal with high gasoline prices is trying to fool people."

Really? From John McCain's official campaign website:

John McCain Will Help Americans Hurting From High Gasoline And Food Costs. Americans need relief right now from high gas prices. John McCain will act immediately to reduce the pain of high gas prices.

The assembled reporters immediately pressed Fratto on whether he was suggesting that McCain was trying to fool people. But fortunately Tony is a professional - he finessed his way out of trouble with this refined, eloquent statement:

FRATTO: No, look, that's -- you know, he has a view on the tax moratorium, and that's his position. And we -- you know, we talked about looking forward. But what -- the president's been looking at it, but what the president's been focused on is, you know, the root of the problem, which is supply and demand.

So, er, I guess that clears that up.

Robert Hurt

Oh, you stupid wingnuts, will you never go away?

They're everywhere, from the bare-breasted ladies who decorate the fountain at Dupont Circle to the peekaboo statue in the Justice Department's Great Hall to the countless nudes in our museums. But while those of us who live here hardly blink at the public nudity, it can shock some of our visitors. Such was the case for Robert Hurt, who last week tried to add the issue of artistic indecency in the nation's capital to the platform of the Texas GOP.

(snip)

Hurt, 54, a Kerrville, Tex., rancher and father of 14, told us in a phone interview he first came to Washington a decade ago for a gathering of the evangelical Promise Keepers on the Mall. "It was probably not much different than 'The Beverly Hillbillies' going to Beverly Hills," he joked. At the National Gallery, he was appalled to see statues of unclothed people. "I found it very inappropriate," he said. Returning a few years later, he discovered Arlington Memorial Bridge, flanked by the bare-chested figures of Valor and Sacrifice.

"The Lady Godiva thing -- that's what it conjured up, and that's not what our country's about," he said.

Here's a shocking picture of one of the statues. Warning!!! NSFW!!!!

Aah, my eyes! Naked bronze statue lady!

Hurt notified his elected officials of his concerns but believes nothing was done.

Gee, I wonder why not.

While he said he respects free speech, "I believe art affects a country indirectly. I have been studying the decline of morals in this country. It's sending the wrong message to children that nudity is fine, that nakedness is fine. ... There are degrees of vulgarity, and it opens up the door for the other stuff."

Oh my god! Not.... the other stuff.

Fortunately, Mr. Hurt has a plan to end our national shame.

Hurt said he'll pursue the issue, possibly with another trip here to videotape the evidence.

Yes, I'm sure he will. No doubt the man has an extensive collection of such "evidence" locked up in his basement, right next to a year's supply of Kleenex.

John Freshwater

Oh, you stupid wingnuts, will you really never go away?

Members of the Mount Vernon school board met Friday to discuss a finding that a middle school teacher preached his Christian beliefs despite staff complaints, even using a device to burn the image of a cross on students' arms.

(snip)

The report comes one week after a family filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Columbus against Freshwater and the school district, saying Freshwater burned a cross on their child's arm that remained for three or four weeks.

But before you pass judgment, let's get the other side of the story.

Freshwater's friend Dave Daubenmire defended him.

"With the exception of the cross-burning episode ... I believe John Freshwater is teaching the values of the parents in the Mount Vernon school district," he told The Columbus Dispatch for a story published Friday.

See? If you ignore the fact that Freshwater likes to forcibly mutilate his students, he's a great teacher.

Rudy Giuliani

The last time Rudy Giuliani was featured in the Top 10 he'd just finished blowing $50 million on the most embarrassing campaign in history and was recovering down in Florida.

But it seems that Rudy is done licking his wounds - he returned to the campaign trail last week as a surrogate for John McCain, and wasted no time laying into Barack Obama.

Republican Sen. John McCain on Wednesday brought out the big guns -- America's Mayor -- in an effort to continue bashing Democrat Barack Obama as soft on terrorism.

In a conference call with reporters, former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani reiterated the McCain campaign's claim that Obama has a "September 10" mentality and said he was puzzled by what he said was the Democrat's "softer" approach to terrorism.

Obama immediately hit back.

"I think (Giuliani) displayed leadership at a time that Americans needed some steady hand, and I think that his conduct was very laudatory following 9/11 ... I don't think it translates, necessarily, into foreign policy or national security expertise. I know of nothing in his background that indicates that he has any experience in it."

Oh, wait, sorry, that wasn't Barack Obama - it was John McCain last year.

Here's Obama:

"(Giuliani) didn't show interest in the Iraq Study Group, which was about where Americans are fighting and dying. The Iraq Study Group met without his participation and he either voluntarily withdrew or was asked to withdraw from the Iraq Study Group which was trying to sort out the tremendous challenge we have."

Just kidding. That was http://tpmelectioncentral.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/06/flashback_mccain_himself_said.php">John McCain last year as well.

Is it just me or does the McCain campaign have an April 1st mentality?

John McCain

And finally, last week I noted that John McCain is a serious luddite - when asked by an interviewer whether he uses a Mac or a PC, he responded, "Neither. I am, I am a, er, illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance that I can get."

Well it's a good job that Cindy is on board, because last week the John McCain Facebook page launched its debut application and there's now no doubt that come November McCain is going to snatch that youth vote right out from under Barack Obama's nose.

After all, who wouldn't want to get a taste of John McCain's Campaign Cribs? The Campaign Cribs application gives you all kinds of exciting facts about the Straight Talk Express, such as:

* The Straight Talk Express has a shower that's never been used.

* Every member of McCain's advance team has to know how tall the Straight Talk Express is, so they don't get it stuck under a bridge.

* They store luggage underneath the Straight Talk Express, just like a regular bus.

* It has a 550 horsepower engine, just like a regular bus.

* The McCain campaign likes to "roll in style" so the Straight Talk Express has "eight tires sitting on 22 inch rims." Just like a regular bus.

When you're done with the Campaign Cribs video, don't forget to check out McCain's newest Facebook application, Pork Invaders. No, it's not a title from the Straight Talk XXXpress DVD library, it's an exciting videogame where, according to CNN, players must...

...dodge incoming projectiles from flying pigs. If a user takes a hit from one of the application's pigs, the user loses one of the three lives granted at the beginning of the game. How do you kill the flying pigs? By shooting off vetoes. With each pig killed by a veto, users rack up millions of tax dollars as their score, and progress to the next level.

You know what, I think I'll stick with Grand Theft Auto IV thanks.

See you next week!

-- EarlG