** DU Exclusive** Interview With Saddam Hussein

[Wetzelbill]

**Exclusive**
Interview With Saddam Hussein
a bill wetzel joust

The Sunday morning capture of Iraqi maniac tough guy, Saddam Hussein has already become a phenomenon of epic, if not biblical, uh, Koranical proportions. To date, Saddam has turned down offers to pose in Playgirl, wrestle The Undertaker at Wrestlemania in a “Whose The Real Big Evil?” steel cage match, and to endorse P. Diddy’s new line of Evil Dictator’s Devils Food Cakes.

An interview has been downright impossible as Saddam has been busy getting tortur…uh, “interrogated” by U.S. authorities. However, investigative journalist/war profiteer/sex symbol, Bill Wetzel has managed to get permission from– he bribed Richard “The Doctor of Thugganomics” Perle - the proper authorities for an exclusive made-up interview with Mr. Hussein. This proves nothing except that you can pretty much get into anything as long as you invest in Mr. Perle’s Trireme fund. Or help Halliburton get a no-bid contract, but that is another matter altogether.

Once his debit card transaction had been completed, Wetzel was quickly shuttled into the small room where Hussein was lounging in a chair, basking in the searing bright light that is commonly used to tortu…oops, again, I mean “interrogate” uncooperative prisoners. Hussein looked in fine health, skinny, yet deloused, his flowing locks coruscating down his shoulders; his beard, scruffy, manly and “Russell Crowe in Gladiator-like” while he contentedly puffed on a cigar. Cuban? Now wouldn’t that be ironic? Hussein leaned back to reveal a red, white and blue shirt with the “ABB” logo – Anybody But Bush, before belting out a dictatorial “Bring it on!”

Apparently, he was ready to talk.

Here is Mr. Wetzel’s account of this interview.

Bill Wetzel: So Saddam, when you were pulled out of that spider hole my first inclination was that you looked like Tommy Chong rolling around in a ditch at the beginning of “Up In Smoke.” I was wondering, have you ever smoked some reefer?

The Butcher of Baghdad: Yeah, back in 1983. My homeboy, Donald Rumsfeld came to Iraq on behalf of President Reagan and Bechtel to help broker an oil pipeline deal. Rummy is so inept he couldn’t even pull off a shady deal between a greedy dictator and a greedy company. He had some good stuff, too! Judging by half the stunts he tries to pull he must still be toking up. But, I didn’t inhale. Honest.

BW: Uh, that’s good, I guess. So you and Rumsfeld are good buddies? What kind of a guy is he?

BOB: Oh yeah!! I mean you saw the pictures and the video of us. Hugging. Shaking hands. Rummy, well, I think he was even here one of those days I gassed the Iranians. Oh, good times. Back then I was America’s golden boy, being willing to joust with Iran for them and all. Rummy, yeah, he’s a good guy. A bit of an inveterate ass kisser though.

BW: So how embarrassing was it for you to get pulled out of that hole while you were scurrying around like a rat?

BOB: I resent that question! I wasn’t scurrying around like a rat. I was doing an impression of Paul Wolfowitz. Although, it was a little too much like Baby Bush scurrying away AWOL from his job protecting the Texas border from the Viet Cong during the Vietnam war. I need to work on getting that Wolfie impression down. People keep getting them mixed up. Next question!

BW: Ok, so besides Rummy, do you look forward to seeing anybody else?

BOB: Dick Cheney! That guy owes me money! He’s been doing business with me for years. I want my EXPLETIVE DELETED my back paycheck! Why do you think I’ve been living down in that spider hole? Not because of the war, because of Halliburton. Have you seen what they (over)charge these days? I had to lease out my palaces just to make ends meet. Living in a rathole is what happens when you do business with Cheney. You Americans think I’m ruthless! If that guy didn’t have a heart attack every other week I wouldn’t have even known he had one.

BW: Well, Saddam, you did start a fight with Iran, invaded Kuwait, plus maimed and tortured your own people. I think maybe you’re underestimating just what a dirty bastard you are…….

BOB: (Hussein laughs, a manly dictatorial laugh) Thanks for the compliment, but I can’t take all of the credit. I mean, really. Reagan and Daddy Bush made me who I am. I worked for those guys for years. They said it was ok for me to do all that, shucks they paid me plenty to do so. Except in Kuwait, that damn Big Bush reneged after he had April Glaspie tell me it was ok. I was just following orders! Those Neo-Cons used to love me. How do you think I got the cash for weapons of mass destruction? Which, of course, I don’t have anymore. Hell, just ask Scott Ritter. He made me destroy them all. Damn, I hate that guy. So persistent.

BW: (shocked and awed) Wait, are you saying that the former Presidents Reagan and Bush gave you money for the weapons you used to gas and murder your own citizens, as well as other people in the region? I find this hard to believe....

BOB: Believe it, infidel! I was on a gravy train with biscuit wheels! During the Cold War, I was important to the Americans. Supporting my fruitless fight with Iran was more important than my whacking out a few Kurds or Iranians with gas. All that torture business, my boys learned that from your CIA. The Saudis were even coerced by the U.S. to fork over a few billion so I could get some nukes. Then the Soviets collapsed and Cheney, the Bushes, Rummy, Wolfie and the boys needed a new enemy. Guess that ended up being me, although Bill Clinton was up there for awhile. All those bombings and sanctions sure screwed me over. And to think, I get blamed for all those mass graves....

BW: So why didn’t your friend Osama bin Laden help you?

BOB: My friend?!! EXPLETIVES DELETED

At this point, Saddam got a little out of control. Screaming something about how he hated how the “Liberal media” contorted his nonexistent relationship with bin laden. However, we all have seen the pictures on the "Weekly World News" of Saddam and Osama’s gay marriage. Cute couple. Saddam did manage to wrap his hands around Mr. Wetzel’s throat until, American Viceroy, L. Paul “Jerry” Bremer came in and personally headbutted Hussein into submission. Saddam’s last words before both he and Wetzel went unconscious were “Tell Cheney I want my check!” Mr. Wetzel was then placed on a stretcher by Mr. Perle, who promptly stole his wallet while the paramedics hauled him away.

For some people those tax cuts just aren’t big enough.
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Bill Wetzel is funny.