PALEONTOLOGISTS FIND MISSING LINK: FOSSIL OF NEO-CON MAN

[Don Davis]

Coming on the heels of the recent discovery of “Lucy’s Baby,” the fossilized remains of a child from 3.3 million years ago, paleontologists have made another startling discovery: the bones of the Neanderthal-era Neo-Con Man.

Not surprisingly, the bones were found in the Fertile Crescent of Mesopotamia — now Iraq — where Neo-Con Man was known to dwell. Perhaps most interesting is the precise location of the discovery — Baghdad’s heavily-fortified Green Zone — indicating Neo-Con Man’s instinct’s for fright and flight.

Nicknamed “Rosemary’s Baby,” for its distinct devil-like tendencies, scientists believe the fossilized bones establish a conclusive link between the ancient Neo-Con Man and its modern-day descendants.

First, the 100,000 year-old skull is extremely small but thick, and lacks any eyes or ears, suggesting a complete inability to understand the world around it.

In addition, the posture of the skeletal structure has a decidedly rightward tilt, forecasting the fate of its 21st Century cousins.

Also, its extremely long arms suggest a primitive desire to extend its reach beyond its own communities into foreign and hostile territories.

When asked whether this discovery provided further proof of evolution, President Bush stammered in the manner of the Honeymooner’s Ralph Cramden, exclaiming “Homined, Homined, Homined.”

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George Bush, who claims to have read The History of Salt, now has on his nightstand the Hugo Chavez Book-of-the-Month Club selection, The History of Sulphur.

By the way, Hugo, since you did so much for Noam Chomsky’s Amazon ranking, you have my permission to say I’m dead if you endorse my book.