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NEW YORK: Fresh from the success of its revisionist version of the September 11 terrorist attacks, ABC announced its next major project will be another documentary-style miniseries centered on the Kennedy assassination. ABC’s version will show that the mastermind of the conspiracy was Kennedy himself.
Billed as a “docudrama”, the miniseries will focus on the theory that Kennedy took his own life to secure his rightful place as a top lieutenant for Satan. ABC claims the late President entered into an infernal pact to surrender the United States to liberals, communists and homosexuals, sealing the deal with a human sacrifice- Kennedy himself. Because suicide is one of the direst of Catholicism’s mortal sins, Kennedy was to have been instantly transported to Satan’s right hand, not only to act as His counsel, but also to devour the souls of un-baptized women and children.
The centerpiece of the Disney-owned network’s production will be a computer-enhanced version of the famous Zapruder film, the only known visual recording of Kennedy’s death. ABC says the new version clearly shows what was originally thought to be Kennedy holding his throat after being hit by the first bullet is actually the President placing the gun under his chin before firing the fatal shot. When asked why the new version does not account for the wounding of Texas Governor Connally, a network representative said, “Critics are being premature in judging this film, especially since the editing process is not yet complete. We urge that all fair-minded individuals refrain from making any comments until advanced copies can be forwarded to all the right-wing blogs.”
Conservative columnist Maggie Gallagher has been tapped to write the teleplay. As always, Ms. Gallagher denied any compensation from the Bush Administration.
Several prominent conservatives have already weighed in on the matter, including noted pundit/smarmy prick Joe Scarborough. During a recent broadcast of his MSNBC show Scarborough Country, he said, “Anyone who complains about this film is just another pawn of the Liberal censors. Some day, these people need to wake up and realize we live in a country protected by the First Amendment, and that if ABC wants to run a story, regardless of whether or not it’s actually ‘true’, they have the right to do so.”
However, when asked why he worked so tireless to get a CBS miniseries based on the life of Ronald Reagan pulled back in 2003, Scarborough scoffed, “Ronald Reagan, who unlike Kennedy never engaged in any acts of carnal sin, is on the fast-track to sainthood! In fact, all the miracles Reagan needed for canonization have already been confirmed! Two of his children were conceived via Immaculate Conception, since everybody knows it is physically impossible for any man to impregnate the Holy Nancy. Not only was her countenance so fearful as to prevent the necessary ardor to prepare the loins for insemination, but her vagina was so constricted that not even light could escape its folds.”
Mr. Scarborough later apologized and said he was thinking of Ann Coulter.
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