TOP TEN PLANKS FOR THE DEMOCRATS’ CONTRACT WITH AMERICA

[Don Davis]

As confirmed by the latest Zogby Poll, GOP voters are clearly the most ignorant, with 65% still believing that there was a connection between Saddam and 9/11. Only slightly less also thought there was a connection between Saddam and Seven Elevens.

But the poll also showed that 32% of Democrats and 39% of Independents were equally misguided.

The obvious lesson is that if Democrats are serious about re-taking the Congress in the upcoming midterms, forget about the Iraq War, GOP corruption and incompetence, gasoline prices, or other “bread and butter” issues. The key to victory is playing to the politically oblivious, people who think the Florida recount was about a Wet T-Shirt contest in Delray, or that the culture wars are a fight for market share between Dannon and Yoplait.

So here’s some advice on how the Dems can tailor their message to address the everyday obnoxious things that really piss people off. Here, then, are the Top Ten Planks that would virtually assure a Democratic victory this Fall:

10. Eliminate the decibel gap between TV shows, and those ear-splitting commercials.

9. Get rid of all road tolls — replace with a surcharge on seven-figure incomes.

8. The total running time of movie trailers must be shorter than the movie itself.

7. Ban all prescription drugs where the side effects are worse than the underlying ailment.

6. All holidays to fall on Tuesdays and Thurdays, to help ensure four-day weekends.

5. Two-minute limit for bank transactions at teller’s window, before trap door opens up.

4. Capital punishment for drivers that tailgate, or refuse to use turn signals.

3. Incentive bonuses, not prosecutions, for female teachers seducing male middle school students.

2. Promote more diversity — in Diner menus.

1. Censor all HBO Real Sex episodes that feature fat, disgusting people.

[TlalocW]

1. In, "Why Not Me,"

Al Franken runs on a platform of eliminating ATM fees. I could get behind that.

Also, as a sub-plank to the movies one, when I go to an IMAX film, I don't want to be given a 10 minute demonstration on what makes IMAX so great. I've paid for the hooker - I don't need her convincing me I need a date anymore

My analogies are the best.

TlalocW

[Warpy]

2. 3 is not funny at all

and 1 is disgusting.

I can go for the rest of them, though.

[TechBear_Seattle]

3. Unfortunately, this seems to be what the Dems are working on

Where is meaningful opposition to the costly, pointless occupation of Iraq? Where is the outrage that, under US occupation, opium production in Afghanistan has exploded to where opiate drugs are the country's principle export? Where is the support for American workers in the face of pension plan eliminations and outsourcing? Where is the action to further civil and equal rights? Where is legislation to improve education, as opposed to imposing meaningless bureaucratic nonsense that only makes things worse?

Where is the Democratic leadership?