INTRODUCING: Ask a Lobbyist (Horrifying, and fairly accurate!)

[MADem]

What does a lobbyist do, exactly?

So, back in the day, �lobbyists�� were sleazebags that hung out in the lobby of the Willard (unsolicited advert: stiff pours, but pricey) to suck up to important people. Obviously, little other than the venue has changed.

Well, I take that back. Back in the day, the �important� people were Congress members. These days, as a lobbyist, I basically have to suck up to everyone, all the time. It�s sort of like all those really Important Newspaper Articles about grade inflation at Ivy League schools � like, all those poor little Ivy Leaguers egos won�t take being told that they aren�t A students for the amount of money that they�re paying for school? Well, Legislative Assistants get paid shit money (though, notably, so do young lobbyists or anyone who works for the NRA) to serve their country/party, so, goddamnit, where are their fucking Wizards tickets and when are you paying for a 3-martini lunch at Oceanaire. Don�t even get me started on Congress members.

And, by the way, they�ll still tell you to go fuck yourself on a vote that you need, regardless of how many drinks/blowjobs you provide.

Um, wait, was there a question? Oh, right, what do I do? I email like I�m still in college, leave voicemails like that desperate intern who didn�t mean to sleep with you, get drunk, and pretend like I don�t notice some Congressman is talking to my tits. Like, hello? No ears down there. Bert and Ernie don�t care how you vote on H.R. Whogivesashit....

Much, much more Here!