U.S. Dedicates $64 Billion To Undermining Gates Foundation Efforts--Onion

[Demeter]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51595/print/

August 15, 2006 | Issue 42•33

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration unveiled a new $64 billion spending package Monday for a joint CIA–Pentagon program aimed at neutralizing the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation's global humanitarian network.

"The fight against Gates will not be easy, will not be quick, and will not be without enormous cost," said Director Of National Intelligence John D. Negroponte of the new program, which calls for the creation of a new $20 billion counter-philanthropy unit aimed at punishing those countries that accept or use, directly or indirectly, any financial support from the Gates Foundation. "If they want to use this money to purify a well, we will be there to fill it in with bacteria-infested soil before they get the chance," Negroponte said. "If they want to ensure that millions of children receive immunity shots for typhoid, whooping cough, or diphtheria, we will ensure that country's medicine is never received." Added Negroponte: "This bill gives us the power to take on these extremists before they create positive global change that will haunt us for generations."

According to congressional testimony, the CIA sees Gates' intention to bring improvements in health and learning to the poorest corners of the world as the most serious threat to American foreign interests since the wave of independence-granting that plagued Africa in the 1960s and '70s. "Our enemies want to eliminate disease in the Third World, which is exactly why we're creating a $900 million pro-AIDS campaign that makes the deadly disease available to millions of uneducated poor people," said CIA Africa specialist Alberto O'Hara, who briefed the Senate Foreign Affairs Committee Monday. "We're also considering an $800 million food-interception initiative."

A CIA statement outlined phase one of the initiative, dubbed "Freeze And Punish," to be spearheaded by the new counter-philanthropy unit. It will "focus on disrupting the Gates Foundation's international support network by freezing the accounts of countries that attempt to use the financial aid, and then providing small arms to violent rebel movements to fight them." This, combined with the release of over 10 million parasitic Guinea worms into their drinking water, is expected to severely impede Gates' impact on Africa and the rest of the developing world.

The initiative, a rider to a larger defense spending bill signed into law by the President Bush earlier this month, will also create state-of-the-art training facilities for leaders of the struggling nations, which will teach them how to intercept the Gates money and funnel it into buying larger, more opulent presidential estates rather than homes and infrastructure for the poor.

IT WOULD BE SCREAMINGLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T TRUE....

[tridim]

1. Maybe the U.S. should ally themselves with the Macheads

:P

[AlinPA]

2. I showed the article to my wife and she believed it at first! n/t

[skids]

3. The Onion is always a riot...

...but why do I get that sinking "scaringly accurate Stephen Colbert portrayal" feeling about this one. Too much meta-truth mixed in there, I guess.

[Vidar]

4. Thanks for clearly labelling " the Onion". I can't tell anymore.

[Drewskie]

5. nice lol (nt)