BUSHIES REVOKE CLONING BAN: CLAIM THEY 'NEED' ANOTHER ZARQAWI

[Don Davis]

In a dramatic departure from their “Christian Fundamentalist” opposition to stem cell research and cloning, the Bush Administration has secret plans to use the DNA from the dead al-Zarqawi to clone an exact replica of the notorious terrorist.

In minutes from a secret National Security Council meeting obtained by the New Yorker’s Seymour Hersh, Vice-President Cheney is quoted as saying that the only way to justify the Administration’s perpetual power grabs and disregard of Constitutional norms is to have a high-profile villain as the face of terrorism.

The NSC secret minutes reveal that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld strongly echoed these sentiments: “We can’t keep announcing the capture of ‘Number 2′ — the American people think that’s just the guy with the eye-patch from the Austin Powers movies.”

Rumsfeld also stated that the best “metrics” for gauging who’s winning the war on terror is simply to kill the same guy over and over again: “It’s like the Yankees and the Red Sox; nobody complains when they beat the shit out of each other 19 times every year.”

Also weighing in at this meeting was U.N. Ambassador John Bolton, who proposed the cloning of Nikita Kruschev, complete with shoe in hand, so that Bolton’s own behavior at the U.N. wouldn’t seem so offensive.

In other news, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, fresh on the heels of the defeat of a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, has proposed a ban of same-sex bathrooms. President Bush immediately threw his support behind such initiative, claiming that there is nothing so private as the relationship between a man and his turd-blossom.

[shain from kane]

1. Put his balls on ice to mine his sperm. n/t