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ST. PAUL, MINN. (Spurious News Network) -- American Legion halls are less expensive to rent if you don't ask for the heat to be turned on. Norm Coleman, perennial senatorial challenger from Minnesota, is aware of this. He's crisscrossed this northern state all these many years to persuade Minnesota's judges to continue counting the votes in his never-ending campaign to be elected Senator of Minnesota in 2008.
The judges aren't listening. "Mr. Coleman," intoned one judge, "we are trying to figure out just what the hell's your point. Every time we recount the ballots in the election, Mr. Franken's lead gets wider and wider."
And yesterday, his lead grew to what may have been an insurmountable margin. On November 4, 2014, a date his 2008 Democrat-Farmer-Laborer challenger Al Franken called "a day that will live in infamy, at least as far as Norm Coleman's concerned," Mr. Franken defeated erstwhile Republican challenger Garrison Keillor by a record 99-1 margin. Said Senator-Elect Franken, "we still can't find the one percent that admits to voting for Garrison."
When asked why he decided to run for office as a Republican, Mr. Keillor's face broke into the biggest shit-eating grin you've ever seen. "Well, someone had to. We noticed that Norm Coleman was spending so much time running back and forth between DC, Fresno and Minnesota challenging the results of the 2008 election he'd forgotten to register to run in this one. I've been DFL forever, but I really didn't think it was right for Al to run unopposed even though Norm Coleman's managed to turn so many people off from the Republican Party, half the Democrats in the state ran unopposed this year. I need to congratulate State Representative-Elect Frederico Mussolini, State Representative-Elect George Tojo and Congressman-Elect Mary Stalin on their wins. Unfortunately, Jeffrey Hitler lost by thirty votes in his race, so that 'Austin-Albert Lea-Blue Earth Axis' thing they were running on didn't come to fruition. Better luck next time, guys."
We asked Mr. Keillor if he felt the series of attack ads directed against him were effective, receiving another huge grin in reply. "Yes, about four percent, which is why we ran them. We were intent on getting stomped, which only partially explains why I campaigned drunk so much. Also, remember all the unusual endorsements? We sought them all. I bet no other candidate for any office in this election was endorsed by the Minnesota Meth Manufacturers. God, 3M was pissed when they heard about that one. I don't think they'll ever donate money to a Republican again, which is fine with me."
Mr. Keillor congratulated Senator-Elect Franken on his devastating win, and directed this message toward Mr. Coleman: "You lost twice, Norm. Go home."
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